/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>>10178916
can we consider this a classic copy pasta yet?

>>10178916
I'm still waiting for the good part.

>>10178916
A history of what? Shitposting??

>>10178956
>>10178957
its copy pasta you fucking newfags

You sound like a working class chump. I bet you thought it would be a great "investment", how you would wake up to a warm, healthy breakfast to start off your long day. Maybe, you even had a couple thoughts about all the other nifty little uses you could find for the thing, how it would help you cook healthier meals in general, shed a couple pounds off the old gut, boost your confidence around work and with the ladies. Yeah, maybe that slow cooker would start your life cooking again, wouldn't it? I can see your strained hands holding the box and reading through it carefully at the store. A little bit pricey, but you're the type of guy who thinks everything is more than you can spend, aren't you. And look what happened to you. Look what the slow cooker did to you. Fucked you over, and made you clean it like a useless bitch. You don't even fucking like oatmeal. Piece of shit, you've been repeating those three words your whole life, haven't you. Yeah, how was work after that piece of shit fucked you over? I bet it was on your mind the whole day, you probably didn't say shit to nobody. Can't be telling people about your mistakes. How your little fix yourself plan, failed you. Don't want people to start thinking you're the failure. You're the piece of shit, all along. You don't want that do you? You don't want to be the piece of shit everybody secretly whispers about, do you? Was your father a piece of shit like you? I bet he never had a slow cooker. He had a woman, a house, a damn good job. I bet it's slow cooking you the fuck alive, isn't it. Comparing yourself to him. How one day when all the steam runs our of your life, you'll discover how you're nothing more than burnt shit to be scrapped off and thrown in the trash.

>>10178969
no shit, faggot

I am HIV positive and have cooked for over 40 people multiple times and have had 0 fucking reports of HIV. HIV simply doesn't transfer through food in that way
FYI - I am no fag. I have HIV because I was experimenting with anal sex and accidentally caught the disease because the guy I experimented with had the disease.
There are literally thousands of meals that can be cooked with minimal chance of ANY contaminated blood anyway and I am sure that this would be the type of food this restaurant will serve/ When I do dinner parties I make sure EVERY guest knows I am HIV positive and they don't mind.

In fact most of my guests prefer my food.
They KNOW I am taking care in the kitchen due to the risks involved. They KNOW they won't find a hair in their soup because if they do, I'd have to worry that I may have also accidentally got blood or semen in the Tiramisu. They KNOW for a fucking fact that every dish has been bleached and cleaned 10 times before dinner because I masturbate onto my plates and don't want the disease to have any chance of spreading. They KNOW that everything I prepare has been seasoned to perfection to remove any potential taste of blood in case I accidentally spilled some, so they won't taste blood and worry I gave them HIV.

My food is a celebration of my disease and also a celebration of the food. Pic related is a steak that has not been cooked well done - and i KNOW that people here would eat it - so why wouldn't they eat a salad with some blood? The risk of Bovine HIV from steak is just as high as the risk of HIV from any dish I could prepare unless I intentionally bled into it.

FYI I ALWAYS serve crispy croutons with soup, crispy enough for people to cut their mouths. If I got blood into my food they WOULD get HIV from the blood entering the crouton scratches and NOBODY ever has.

Thank you for your service

>>10178916
Your wife probably cooks like mine, I don't blame you. Let me give you some personal insight on the matter.

I've been with my wife for 10 years now. We met in high school, and I got her pregnant.
She is and always has been a lazy person and a shit cook. I wouldn't even mind eating shit food if she at least made it on time. But she rarely did.

We'd get into screaming arguments constantly about how lazy and worthless she was. I felt like an asshole for it, but goddamn she was a real piece of work. The only reason I dealt with all this was for the kids, and also because the sex is great.

But one night, I got fed up. Not only did she get drunk, neglect the kids, and made me top Ramen for dinner, but she decided to give me attitude too. She was being real fucking bitchy. So I told my grandparents to keep an eye on the kids and told my wife we were going to go out and have dinner together. I drove maybe 3 blocks to a quiet area (we live in Oregon, it's not hard to find a quiet field) and I got out of the car, went around like I was going to open her door for her and let her out, and I just beat the shit out of her while she was still seatbelted. After a few punches, I asked her if she wanted to go back to her parents. She started screaming and yelling and said yes, so I beat the shit out of her again. Then I asked her what she wanted to do. She finally got smart and said she wanted to go home. So I took her home and dared her to start trouble. I even handed her my cellphone and dialed her mom's number on the drive home. I made her talk to her mom, while daring her to fucking say something.

Before that incident, I had never laid a hand on her. But I had always threatened it. I told her "one of these days, if you don't straighten up, I'm going to lay hands on you."

All my meals have been on time, and she just recently tried to make a meatloaf. It was mediocre, but I was just thrilled that she tried.

Do with this information what you will.

>>10178916
>I was 23 and home from the Air Force with my new wife
>23
>airforce
>new wife
How many tons does she weigh?

>>10178916
we fuck your wife whenever you leave

>>10178916
so you're 23 huh
and in the military
and married?
gl

>>10179561

It is honestly depressing how few people in this thread recognise this pasta.

>>10178975
I hole-hardedly agree, but allow me to play doubles advocate here for a moment. For all intensive purposes I think you are wrong. In an age where false morals are a diamond dozen, true virtues are a blessing in the skies. We often put our false morality on a petal stool like a bunch of pre-Madonnas, but you all seem to be taking something very valuable for granite. So I ask of you to mustard up all the strength you can because it is a doggy dog world out there. Although there is some merit to what you are saying it seems like you have a huge ship on your shoulder. In your argument you seem to throw everything in but the kids Nsync, and even though you are having a feel day with this I am here to bring you back into reality. I have a sick sense when it comes to these types of things. It is almost spooky, because I cannot turn a blonde eye to these glaring flaws in your rhetoric. I have zero taller ants when it comes to people spouting out hate in the name of moral righteousness. You just need to remember what comes around is all around, and when supply and command fails you will be the first to go. Make my words, when you get down to brass stacks it doesn't take rocket appliances to get two birds stoned at once. It's clear who makes the pants in this relationship, and sometimes you just have to swallow your prize and accept the facts.You might have to come to this conclusion through denial and error but I swear on my mother's mating name that when you put the petal to the medal you will pass with flying carpets like it’s a peach of cake.

>tfw no Tug Boat Annie's in Guangzhou (a city in China)