/ck/ - Food & Cooking

he can't say shit because a burger and fries at wendys is as good as a burger and fries in any expensive restaurant

>>4687724
He physically assaults me for making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

I've learned that he values flavor over plating, so as long as it tastes good he won't hit me hopefully.

>LOOK AT THIS FUCKING MESS
>YOU HAVE THE KNIFE SKILLS OF A BLOODY PARAPLEGIC

Had a green bell pepper, an onion, and some pre-sliced baby bellas that were getting too soft, I rough chopped everything and sauteed them in a pan with some olive oil and garlic. Then I added some chopped up Italian sausage and s swig of beer and let it simmer until some of the liquid reduced. Ate over linguine.

Fuck you Gordon, it tasted good and emptied out the fridge

turkey-cheese sandwiches with cucumber, lettuce and tomato.

he wouldn't go apeshit, probably, because the bread was from a real bakery and the cheese was proper cheese and the ingredients were of decent quality all around but he wouldn't like it either.

>>4687724
He tells me my eggplant parmesan looks like crap, tries it. Tells me its average.

Grilled cheese sandwich, made on rye with smoked gouda and mozzarella.

He'd probably shrug and go "s'ok".

>What the fuck is this?
>Top Ramen?
>For fucks sake!
>I'm not even going to touch that.
>Get your shit together, mate.

>Top Ramen...
>Simple.
>Elegant.
>Delectable.
>It's perfect.
>How would you like to come work in one of my restaurants, Anon?

>"Cabbage soup"
>Cabbage and potato as only ingredients
>Salt as only seasoning
>Water, no broth

"Shit nigga you broke."

Then he takes me out to eat with his billion dollars

"these plain melted cheese sticks are the epitome of an educated palette"

>shrimp stirfry with noodles
>"Why are there so many goddamn noodles?"
>"Do you even seafood?"
>"THESE SHRIMPS MIGHT AS WELL BE CARNIVAL TOKENS."
>slams bowl into my chest
>knocks me to the dining room floor
>violates my ass while screaming British obscenities at me
>cut to commercial
>Zest soap~

Mate, these tacos are exactly what I need for my new restaurant in the upper class side of Houston, TX. Would you be willing to cook tacos 16 hours a day 6 days a week?

....well...i guess so

>>4687844
Gordon can't spell 'palate.'

>Organic brown rice cooked in chicken broth
>With: Carrot, celery, onion, green, yellow, and red bell peppers (small dice)
>Flavored with my own special mix of spices that, I have been told, would make for an excellent BBQ dry rub
I actually don't fucking care to watch his show or know much more than he's an asshole, so I actually haven't a clue what he'd say about it. Thoughts?

>>4687868
>implying he wasn't talking about a an educated board of wood used to mix colors on while painting.

>>4687724
>Home made Lobster Mac and Cheese
>Beef skewers on the grill

It turned out pretty great for having never made it before, I think he'd be okay

>two frozen hamburgers cooked in a pan directly from frozen with a slice of bread

>"Fuck me, it's dry as old boots. This guy's pulling my fucking plonker."
>"I wouldn't feed this to my dog"
>"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??"

Sees the main dish.
>Frozen burger?
>FROZEN BURGER?!
>ARE YOU *BLEEP* KIDDING ME?!
>WHAT'S NEXT?! ARE YOU GONNA SERVE ME UP SOME *BLEEP* FROZEN FRENCH FRIES TO GO WITH THAT TOO?!
Sees the bag of frozen garlic fries in the garbage.
>*ten minute long BLEEP*

>>4687724
He'd bash the presentation, taste it, and say that it's decent.

prime rib w/ brussle sprouts and bacon

" Perfect medium, very fresh, seasoned properly good work!"

He would be nice and respectful because real life isn't a drama reality show where he needs to pretend to be a cunt to get more viewers.

Hard to fuck up Kielbasa Soup and toasted bread, so I'm sure he'd... not kill me? I guess.

>braunschweiger with mustard and spinach on wheat toast
I... I don't know if he would like that or not.

>>4687876
Yes. That's exactly what I was implying.

This corned beef is so tough it makes snake plisken look like a pussy!

>>4687871
>"It's like Whole Foods shit all over itself, and then got boiled in it's own fucking pretension."

>protein shake with 3 scoops of whey and some peanut butter

He'd flip his shit

>>4687923
Nah, Gordon appreciates being healthy. He'd understand. He'd wanna know where your oatz were though.

>>4687908
We all fucking know that, killjoy.

Well? Which one is it?

http://strawpoll.me/303932

Pic not related, except its yellow

>>4687923
>3 scoops

what the fuck man, why do you need to slam 80gs of protein in one meal

>>4687925
oatz are tucked away for dat winter bulk

>>4687929
He prolly has the weight to go with it. I was doing 4 of those a day at the height of my lifting. So much fucking protein.

>>4687933

You don't need more than 1g/lb/day max, man. That's some extreme overkill.

Baked salmon and carrots that I just tossed into the oven and forgot about for 10 minutes too long.

He'd crucify me. Then I'd kick him in the shins for that "how to cook a steak" video where he tells you to use olive oil.

Fuck you Gordon - the smoke point is way too low, the oil burns, and my new york strip tastes like burnt oil. Why the fuck does he recommend using olive oil when pan-searing steaks? It's flat-out wrong and he should know better.

>>4687940
I always read 2g/lbs

Even if it boxed it's delicious.

Presentation was shit though, small bowl.

Meh, probably get yelled at.

home made meat sauce , bretty good
no pasta , im on the paleo diet

> WHERES THE FUCKING PASTA ?

>>4687724
It's overcooked, but not bad considering it was the 1st time I baked a chocolate cake.

What a shame

>>4687925
>Reply
yeah, you gotta maintain to be able to take your shirt off on every single episode of kitchen nightmares

>>4687929
>>4687933
>>4687940

>taking nutritional advices from /ck/
Lel

I would fucking LOVE to hear Ramsay chew someone out about 'ants on a log'

>>4687724
>make a peanut butter sandwich on light rye
>no jam, just smooth peanut butter

I fully expect cooking nerdrage. But, meh, its his problem for eating shit that I made for myself while feeling lazy

>sauteed peppers and onions with cheese filled brats

Hmm...probablly going to lose my hearing for the month

>>4687724
>the last meal I made was a mcgangbang for myself.

welp.

Tenderloin, baked potato, creamed spinach, corn.

Think mediocre, then you can imagine his disgust.

> Velveeta chicken and broccoli cheese skillet
Rice shaped pasta. All I'm saying.

>>4688002
call it orzo and feel fancy with me

>>4688019
I hear that and I think barley. Its a very confusing name.

>had some honey bunches of oats as a quick snack

I'll either be ignored or assaulted.

The last meal I made was for breakfast this morning and it was just 3 eggs, a splash of milk, a little flour and baking powder + s&p. I cooked it slow so it had a chance to rise and then when a crust formed on both sides I topped it with cheese which melted and created a nice crust. That shit is great with ketchup+sriracha (inb4 you call this pleb breakfast food pretentious because sriracha)

No I personally love this greasy grub shit but I bet Gordon would have a good laugh because he probably was fucked in the ass by some French chef when he was younger for not cooking a perfect L'omelette.

>>4687724
>Bologna and cheese with mayo
>Warm bottle of Yuengling

He will not be a happy m8, m8s.

>>4688019
I do that already. Classy as fuck.

Cleaning out the fridge mode, so...
A pack of slightly freezerburnt bratwurst boiled from frozen, then tossed into a pan with oil until browned. Rice cooked in the bratwater. Old mushrooms sliced and cooked in the brat pan while I cut them into rounds then put them back in. A pack of slightly freezerburnt peas added, and a splash of vinegar. Combined everything in a large bowl and pretty much ate it out of the large bowl.
Being single means never having to explain what the fuck you're making.

>>4687724

>almond museli, fruit salad canned fruit (in juice, not syrup) and yogurt flavoured with honey and cinnamon, mixed into a gloopy mess.

he'd say it looks like cat puke. he would be right, but it's a good quick breakfast.

ITS RAW!

Coincidentally, I made sushi earlier.

>>4687724
>Two hot dogs and an egg
I don't know because I don't watch any of his stuff. Someone tell me

>>4688027
that what u get for actually speaking italian

>2 cups of milk with 2 scoops of protein and 4 cookies

his face when

>>4688068
it hit that

>Penne with arrabiatta meat sauce that i made in the slow cooker

>"Sauce is bland and why did you use ground beef instead of sausage?!"
>"The pasta is over done and sticking together!"
>Dumps the food and bowl into garbage can
>Tells me to get out of my own kitchen


>mfw :(

>scrambled eggs with too much milk in them
>A FUCKING DISGRACE!
He would probably throw the eggs at my face.

>blue cheese onion sauce, and because I was lazy and needed to bulk it up, half a roast chicken and a couple handfuls of peas
>shell pasta
He'd probably call it a great fucking mess and refuses to taste it.

What a shame too. Tastes pretty good.

Uh oh guys.

I made dog food this morning.

>>4687822
>How would you like to come work in one of my restaurants, Anon?

Has there ever been an episode where Ramsay thought the food was good and the problem with the restaurant was something else?

>>4688212
Yes, 3 niggers were running a restaurant in an attic

He loved the food, but they ran the place in a fucking attic

>>4688214
.... seriously? Which episode?

>>4688217
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1WYbDYGEAI

he is fooled into believing the delicious shish kebabs from whole foods were made by me.

>>4688222
Thanks, watching now.

>Chicken barbacoa with corn tortillas
>he would eat that shit up

>>4687958
mm dat lower stomach

>>4687724
Haha oh dear..
It was Eggs Benedict and I attempted it TWICE today
Second time round the yolk broke in the pan so I just scooped it up as fast as possible and threw it on the plate
Fuuuucked that shit up, I imagine he would be displeased.

>>4687724
>gordon ramsey looks down at the ham and cheese hotpockets with potato chips and ketchup
>gordon ramsey walks away without speaking, without looking, just walking, away, forever

>Nutella sandwich on white bread
I'm getting murdered. I deserve it, too.

>>4687724
I made some white rice. It came out a little wet.

He would complain that I am not making it properly.
>fried rice
>no veggies aside from spring onion
>heavy handed spices
>use of sausage patties for breakfast
>too oily
I could keep going, but it was good enough to eat without complaints. I wanted to cook the rice before hand, but I was too lazy. So I cooked the rice and stuck it in the freezer while the sausage cooked. I am a poorfag cook.

>crock pot chicken noodle soup
>hearty as fuck. like 3 pounds of mirepoix, about 2.5 pounds of chicken thighs, and a half pound of kluski egg noodles. Salt, pepper, bouquet garni.
>after stewing on low for 6 hours or so, pull the chicken and shred. should be like diced, but my knife work on cooked chicken is basically ripping it apart.
>leftovers, reheated in microwave
>with some sourdough no-knead toast as a sop

I don't think he'd really have anything particularly negative to say, aside from the leftovers thing. It's pedestrian as all get out, but competently executed.
it's not restaurant food. The quickest item on that list was 8 hours in a crock pot.

>>4687724
Honestly I made stew, It was amazing, only garnished with parsley because I dont give a fuck what it looks like.
ITT: He would have killed me

>>4688280
>my knife work on cooked chicken is basically ripping it apart
I hear that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2RzhwuKP5c

I imagine it would go exactly like this

>>4688299
wat

>>4687941
Are you by chance using extra virgin or something? non-virgin olive oil has a plenty high enough smoke point.

>>4688333
Why would I want to cook with oil some dude has jizzed in?

homemade Salisbury steak with scratch made gravy over a bed of mini penne pasta al dente. cauliflower mash with raw diced radishes folded in before serving, sweet corn fresh off the cob steamed with a dash of cider vinegar. served with guiness and strongbow floater. lucky its the weekend i dont put alot of time into weekday meals if any.

>>4688057
You obviously have no fucking idea what you're talking about.

>>4688147
>> you never stop stirring the eggs from the second they hit the pan always use heavy cream and if it stiffens up in the pan your a fucking failure

>>4687958
not even impressive
poor dieting skills detected if you have to down 90+ g protein at once

brainwashed cracker

I dont use protein powder anymore and im bigger than you.

>>4687724
Spagetthi and bolognese sauce, i dont know what could have been wrong with them

I actually watched an episode of the UK running of Kitchen Nightmares

It's a totally fucking different show. It's like a heart warming, slice of life deal. The difference in US television nearly makes me feel sick

>Frozen pizza with extra onion and cheese

>The onion is FUCKING RAW!
>There's way too much cheese on this. It's disgusting!
>This was a frozen pizza you put a few things on before you cooked it, isn't it?
>This is terrible, I can't believe another human being is eating this slop.


Eh, I respect the guy, but I'm no chef, and sometime I don't give a shit about making a pizza from scratch.

Last meal was home made cabbage rolls. I guess he'd say something about them looking awful, but he'd probably come around if he tasted it, it's my mothers recipe, she knows what she's doing.

Last meal I made was salmon with mashed potato, steamed carrot and broccoli.

I don't think he'd be too upset about it apart from being a bit boring and the fish had a few bones in it.

it was sushi that i made and he'll like it because im a fucking bad ass.

>>4688380

>You don't need more than 1g/lb/day max

1g of protein per lb is the minimum for bodybuilders, son. Double that is commonly recommended. I'm also not sure how you decided that eating lots of protein = brainwashed, either.

UK Ramsay:

>You really need to learn to check on your bread, mate. The sourdough thing is good, but the top is hard as a rock, innit?
>I can't believe you're using fucking Miracle Whip with roast beef and muenster.
>Are those honey barbecue twists? Tell me you're joking!

US Ramsay:

>ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME WITH THIS THING? I ALMOST LOST A [BEEP]ING TOOTH!
>[BEEP]ING HELL, DID YOU SERIOUSLY USING [BEEP]ING MIRACLE WHIP ON THIS [BEEP]ING ROAST BEEF SANDWICH?!
>[BEEP]ING FRITO [BEEP]ING LAY [BEEP]ING [BEEP], ARE YOU [BEEP]ING [BEEP]ING ME?!

Personally, I prefer UK Ramsay, but US Ramsay can be fun in a Jerry Springer kind of way.

>>4688488
In Murrikkkan Ramsay's defense, you are using miracle whip.

>>4688488

Sometimes I feel kind of bad for the people on the US shows, because he starts with the yelling, which makes people angry or upset, and then when he gets to the advice people are too angry/upset to listen properly.

>"WHO ARE YOU? WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO CHEF?" YOUR OMLTTE IS ABSOLUTE SHITE! "TELL THE PERSON WHO TAUGHT YOU THIS THAT THEY OUGHT TO BE CASTRATED"

>s-sorry chef

>>4688496
http://youtu.be/_XDW6xo5scU
He's an interesting character. Ninja reflexes, though.

>>4688500
Ninja Ramsay just got even more points from me. That's a lot of fucking points. Definitely my favourite chef in the world.

Sorry, dad.

I had a boneless skinless chicken breast cooked on medium low for a minimum of 30 minutes. It was seasoned with generic "chicken seasoning" (msg) and in the last few minutes basted with store bought bottled bbw sauce. Turned out OK for my tastes.

>>4688494
I grabbed the wrong jar. Caught it as I was opening it, but by that point I was like 'meh'. At least I baked the roll myself. Sourdough in a muffin tin for sliders, turned out a bit of a disaster. Their second rise was higher than I expected, and I overcooked them a bit :(

Still edible, and make for a good little sandwich.

>>4688496
Damn sensationalist Americans, bringing out the worst in Ramsay and using it as his top selling point...

>>4688497
10/10 would eat again
Inb4 raw tomato

>slab of sharp cheddar, melted onto a tortilla in a microwave, then rolled up and dipped in tapatio hotsauce

>hfw

And I give zero fucks, it tastes goddamn delicious.

I heated up some pizza in the microwave.

He admitted in several interviews that he eats takeout almost exclusively when he's at home so he'd probably think I'm a pretty cool guy.

>>4687724

>studying maths all day
>feel hungry
>hear the doorbell
>It's Gordon Ramsay
>he says nothing, sits at the table, and says "you're hungry, fucking cook something... or have you forgotten how since the last shitty dish you made"
>time to cook
>manicotti stuffed with chicken, ricotta, spinach, etc
>chop and assemble
>put oil on the pan
>Ramsay starts yelling at me about something to do with plants and how much less oil my pan has than the middle east
>drop the pan, try to put the manicotti back in the pan
>"YOU ARE A DISGUSTING HUMAN."
>"s-sorry chef"
>put it in the oven for 25 minutes
>take it out to test done-ness
>"IT'S RAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW"
>"y-yes chef
>put it back in for 10-12 minutes
>time to look again
>"LOOKS LIKE YOU LITERALLY TOOK A SHIT INSIDE A NOODLE"
>"t-thanks chef"
>cry myself to sleep

at least my fiance enjoyed it

>>4688380
>bigger

Post a pic faggot.

Homemade coffee-flavoured müesli with homemade skyr (because it's a newfangled product to me and novel).
I had some milk that had soured, so I decided to skyrify it rather than throw it out. Works surprisingly well!

Anyway, I think he'd be generally underwhelmed with the simplicity of it all, but it's the early fucking morning here and I've not had any meal other than this light breakfast, so he can fuck right off.

He would probably compliment me for making an absolutely perfect pork chop but then go on a tirade of expletives for doing a too-oily, too-overpowering pan sauce, not serving anything else with it and eating the whole damn thing with my hands.

simple but good spaghetti. He would probably be indifferent, or accept it in the low price kid menu.

leftover Spaghetti with loads of butter and ketchup topped with shredded gouda

>>4688691
he'd probably spit in my face

>taco salad
>made with ground beef, shredded iceberg, shredded cheddar, hot Pace salsa, Old El Paso refried black beans, guacamole I got on sale, fresh jalapenos, and crumpled tortilla chips

Welp.

>overcooked fried potatoes
>fried leberkäse
>fried egg

Nope.

>>4687887
>>4687895
More of these

The last meal I made was burgers, brats, and hot dogs plus macaroni salad and potato casserole for about 40 people. Pretty simple food, but it all turned out good. I don't know if he'd criticize that or not.

bacon in a oven baked half baguette? I think he'd like it regardless of look

>A can of beans eaten out of a pot with cold tortillas.

oh dear...

I made ground Italian sausage patties and a fruit/vegetable medley cooked in different fats and different ways. Roasted potatoes, carrots and onions in bacon fat, sauteed broccoli in olive oil and fried apples in butter.

He'd probably complain it was too greasy, but hopefully he'd appreciate the flavors and colorful plate.

>>4688772

iktfb

>>4687724
>Kraft Mac-n-Cheese I spiced up with some cayenne, paprika, and nutmeg

The real problem is i ate it out of the pot. -0 for presentation.

he wouldn't say anything, just shove the food aside so we could have dirty hot rough sex on my kitchen table. ;_;

"Wow, that's disgusting. HURRGGHH!"
Made burgers. Store-bought buns and I slightly overcooked the patties. Which is enough to make the dude dry-heave, if his shows are anything to go by.

>Frosted Flakes in a cup
At least I ought to get something for slightly original presentation

>>4687732
>made

>>4688486
Your fucking retarded.

your suggesting 2g/1lb?

HA oh my god.

>>4687724
>hot dogs with cheese, pickles, onions, mustard on honey wheat sliced bread
>sliced FUCKING bread?!
>THE CHEESE HAS BEEN EXPIRED FOR HALF A FUCKING YEAR?!
>*vomit and gag sounds*

>>4688840
9/10 would eat

he likes it very much

>A grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich on a paper plate

"What the hell is this?"

>>4687724
Cornflakes.

He would say its fucking shit, what else would he say. Can he even say other things?

>>4687822
this!

>this is the best fucking pair of eggo waffles with peanut butter and sriracha that i've ever fucking tasted anon, bloody hell you should run a few of my restaurants for me. let me suck your dick as well.

I heated up some canned beans without rinsing them first.

He'd probaby smash the plate in my face

>>4688027
That's why in Shitaly we call it called risoni.

>>4688142
Well, for starters, I think he would bash your fucking illiterate face in for spelling it "arrabiatta".
Then he'll chop your fucking hands off for putting meat in the sauce.

>>4689029
Don't be so angry, fellow ItaliAnon. we must understand that abroad, our cuisine will change just as foreign cuisines that enter Italy are altered to suit our tastes. There's no need to be upset about the spelling, either: our language is not his/her language, so spelling errors are certain to be made. Regardless of how it's spelt, we all knew what s/he meant.

>>4689041
It wasn't me getting angry. It was Gordon.

>>4689054
Of course it was.
Tell me more about Gordon. Does Gordon often get angry? Does he get angry with people you dislike? Does he do bad things to people who've offended you in minor ways?
Do you talk to Gordon whenever you want or no? Does he talk to you?

>>4689004

Were you high?

>>4689070

I'll have you know I'm making this into a comic, now.

Let's see, the last meal I made was ramen noodles in the 5-pack

>WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH THE STORE BOUGHT CRAP?
>NO! YOU LEAVE THE WATER *IN* WHEN YOU BEGIN MIXING THE SEASONING!
>ARE YOU SERVING FOOD FOR A PRINCE OR FOR A FUCKING PEASANT?
>NO VEGETABLES? NO MEATS? NO HERBS? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? ARE YOU MAKING NOODLES FOR A CHILD?
>WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? YOU AREN'T SUPPOSED TO MAKE SPAGHETTI WITH RAMEN YOU TWAT, THIS LOOKS DISGUSTING

He'd give it a 3/10 and kick me off the show, basically.

I was at a restaurant with him once, and the chef brought out some kind of seafood he had prepared specially for him. As hes eating it he tells him its lovely, is very gracious. Then as soon as hes gone he mutters bloody hell and stops eating

>>4689219
That sounds like something he'd do. He doesn't really go around yelling all the time.

>mix bbq sauce, tomato sauce, sweet chilli sauce
>put onto crackers

he better fucking like it

>>4689117
>spaghetti ramen

b-but that's delicious

>>4689302
No, basically what I do when I make ramen is I let the noodles get really, really soft, and it actually looks like spaghetti a bit when I'm done

"I wouldn't pay for it. There are too many large chunks of potato for my liking, but on the whole it's not bad for a first time leek soup. The bread soaking up the juices is good."

>>4687724
Probably that toast and canned soup is fine if I'm not trying to make money off of it.

He made be a food snob, but if he's hungry enough to be eating food I made he probably wouldn't care.

"This chilli lacks thickness, but flavourwise. its quite a solid meal."

>extra crunchy peanut butter and grape jelly on white bread with the crusts cut off
he'd probably say something about how i don't know how to spread jelly or cut the crusts off of sandwiches, because i don't. jelly clumps up in certain spots and i can never make it a perfect square

You should have oiled your griddle more, the fried polenta slices lost alot of their crust to sticking. The short ribs are very tender and well flavored but there's alot of gooey, sticky braised fat still on them.

>>4687724
black miso cod. I have no idea. I broiled it in a pan after marinating it for 24 hours; everyone at the party loved it but me. he might think my plating is shit though, and I certainly didn't portion it elegantly, just cut in half perpandiculur to where the spine would be about 1/3rd the ways up from the head, sat on two plates.

>>4691177
>extra crunchy
why dont you just cut up some peanuts and put them there faggot

>blueberry pancakes
The pancakes aren't circular

>vanilla cupcakes from a box with canned vanilla frosting
He'd probably vomit and then punch my mother for making them.

>cheese on toast with a bit of salt and pepper with a cuppa tea

SO MUCH FUCKING SALT IT RESEMBLES THE NORTH AFTER 1066, FUCKING HELL

>>4687748

>baby bellas
>bellas
>I bought crimini by a different name and paid a premium

>>4691250
I would have gone with carthage in 146 BC.

Dang, he would probably kill me.

Just finished making shark fin soup for family that just brought some back from Vietnam.

>>4691231
i don't have any peanuts

>>4688714
>leberkäse
god damn it now I am craving that goodness and am stuck in fucking Ching Chong Shanghai.

I guess the mystery meat "hot dogs" on a stick will have to do...

>>4689070
Sometimes he tells me to FUCK OFF.

>bowl of farfalle with Ragu sauce that was in a large pan with hamburger
"I have never felt so indifferent in my life."

An avocado tostada, a refried bean tostata, and a sausage wrap with mustard.

I think he would wonder if I was nearing suicide.

>>4691312
would this be accurate?

>>4691315
I just eat like it

Blackened Salmon with Red Roasted Pepper Quinoa "It's not bad, but you need to step out of your comfort zone"

>leftover blackened chicken
>rice
>steamed broccoli

i mixed those all up in a bowl. it was pretty good, but looked ugly.

>French fries made on a frying pan
>And hot dogs

I-I-I-I'm sorry Senpai!

>>4687761
>Using regular Parmesan
>Implying he wouldn't beat you to death

>>4687951
Tell him it's bolognese.

>guest wanted meatballs and penne
>this is not on the menu, neither of these things

Yeah he's going to harm me. I slathered the fucker in extra sauce, shitty parm, and parsley all over everywhere.

I have no idea what he would say about the food I make. I don't like cooking, I like to make meals as quickly as possible.

Just now I ate a peanut butter sandwich (peanut butter between two slices of regular wheat bread) and a microwaved potato. With a glass of water.

>lightly seasoned scotch fillet, rare
>greek salad

"Where's the fucking effort!?" Maybe? Idk.

If it was Jamie Oliver I'd be praised to high heaven because I'm a student and unfortunately look like a sped.

>>4691431
Jamie Oliver isn't a chef though

>>4691265
Vietnamese eat shark fin soup?

I honestly don't care what he'd say. I don't watch TV so I don't really know much about him, and from what I do know I am not interested in learning more.

>>4691436
That pizza looks moldy

>>4691436
*Tips fedorah*

>>4691436
This
The only thing I know about him is that he yells and curses at people in a British accent and that is why he is famous.
Basically an overly angry Simon Cowell but with food instead of singing.

>>4691439
Capers and blue cheese. We discussed that pic and he probably got the image from that thread.
There was also a lot of bitching about his clothing even though it looks pretty normal to me

I just made macaroni casserole for our staff restaurant's buffet. Made both ground beef and vegetarian. It tastes great but it looks like, well, macaroni casserole. The buffet looks great though, and the salads (chick peas and cabbage salad with our own while balsamic marinades, normal salad with cucumber, gherkin, pickled beetroots, tomatoes separately because there are people allergic to that here, grated carrots and our balsamic dressing) look nice and fresh, plus we make our bread ourselves so I guess he couldn't hate it?

>>4687724
...3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with a cup of hot tea?'
He'll probably stomp on the sandwiches, saying "IT'S FUCKING RAW, THERE ARE STILL FUCKING PEANUTS AND STRAWBERRIES IN HERE YOU FUCKIN WANKER!"
Then throw the tea in my face and throw the glass on the ground, "THIS HOT TEA IS STONE FUCKING COLD!!! FUCKING CREAMER IS UNDERDONE, YOU LIMEY FUCK!!! GET THE FUCK OUT THE KITCHEN YOU FUCKING DONKEY!"

>>4691480
>creamer
>tea

lolwut

>>4691484
You know, like French Vanilla? The one I used though was Vanilla Caramel.

>it looks fuckin stewpeed
>but it's bloody delicious

>garlic and salt seasoned shark cutlet
>served with baked potato and broccoli

He would probably flip out because it's shark but at least it's not shark fin. I think he'd tell me my potato were as hard as jawbreakers because they are a little under cooked. Gordon, please. I have spent the past 8 hours on a plane.

>Oatmeal
>Half a bottle of Strawberry Kiwi yogurt drink

I don't even have sugar. Maybe he'd feel bad.

>I-I learned from watching you cook scrambled eggs, sir.

I hope I do him justice.

>>4691542
What does he do to his scrambled eggs?

>>4691544
http://youtu.be/PUP7U5vTMM0

I'm serious, dude. I didn't know you cooked scrambled eggs like that. I thought you scrambled it on the plate and add it.

>>4691545
I've never thought of doing them in a pot like that. Hmm

He beats the shit out of me and then proceeds slaughtering everyone in a 2 mile radius with a butchers knife.

>>4691542
I also learned how to make scrambled eggs from him.

>>4691549
I was pretty surprised at how good it came out. Needless to say, if I wanted a scrambled egg, I'd cook it that way. Didn't bother with the chives though. He is right about the eggs and toast. Gets soggy real fast.

>>4691265

I would kill you. fucking ass

"Dump this shit in the nearest sty."

>>4687724
The eggs were dry and bland, the bacon was good, and the toast was toast.

I'm down to dry ingredients and spices till the end of the week so I made some dough, flattened it a bit, threw on some garlic, olive oil, oregano, salt and pepper and tossed it on the pizza stone till it was crispy.

I don't think I've ever seen Ramsey bake bread or judge anyone baking bread before. He probably still would not be very pleased with it.

>>4691993
His first job in the cooking department was pastery/bakery, of course he would know about it.

>>4689312
Like he said, that's delicious

>Thai yellow curry
>This is fantastic mate, it makes my pad thai taste even more authentic.
>and you cut the carrots into flowers, that's adorable anon.
>I want to fuck you in the most romantic way possible.

>>4692409
>>and you cut the carrots into flowers, that's adorable anon.
Please tell me you didn't eat alone, because that's gay as fuck.

>>4687724
>Watching an episode of Hell's Kitchen
>Brings a bunch of sammiches from a Conviance store.
>He goes off on them for liking them.

Fucking Jesus, hes a twat.

>>4692528
>not realizing its american television

What his british shows for the softer side of him. I concede he can be an asshole but most of the shit on his american shows are blown up for viewership purposes.

>>4687724
>A whole egg with two whites, buttered toast, a glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee

HOW THE FUCK DO YOU OVERCOOK A WHITE

SURE JUST FUCKING THROW IT ON THERE UNDER THE TOAST, FUCK PRESENTATION

YOU FUCKING TWAT YOU SPILLED SOME OF THE ORANGE JUICE, CAN YOU NOT HANDLE A FUCKING GLASS

>>4687895
>>4687890
>>4687887
i'm almost in tears

>>4687724
He'd probably feel pitty for me and give me some money to spend on actual food.
Either that or he has no soul.

>>4687724
He says it's mediocre and looks like something a boy barely out of his teens probably made while still living at home with his parents
And he'd be 100% accurate.

>>4693134
>Rich people should give me money
>1% ! 1%! 1%!

Fuck off you hipster hippe stoner

>>4687861
my sides

I used his scrambled egg recipe and mixed some spicy ground turkey in there. Awesome breakfast. The toast was shitty white bread though.. MIght lost some points.

>Sausage boiled in a teaspoon of lemon juice and 1 cup tap water
>Served on a single slice of bread from my local bakery with Bama mayonnaise
I don't think he'd flip shit but he would be pretty disappointed.

>>4693164
>Eating poison

Slightly too wet rice, tonkatsu with the cutlet too thick and the breading too thin, fried egg with an overcooked bottom ... I don't really want to think about how he'd bash me.

>>4693170
Most of us drink "poison" (alcohol), so what?

homemade tortellini with garlic butter sauce and fresh basil.

he'd probably yell at me for too much garlic.

>>4691549
>>4691553

Seriously? I'm Ausfag and that's pretty much the only way to do it. Doing it on a pan is pretty much for omelettes

Not a damn thing. I just finished making Bolognese sauce, and it was fucking perfect.

>>4691448
watch his cookery course on YT

watch?v=Ol9eMu8NO34

>Ribeye steak (bone in) grilled medium-rare
>Spicy Corn with Cream Cheese
>Green Salad with homemade balsamic vinaigrette

I think he'd say the steak was goddamn perfect. He say the corn was tasty but mediocre in style and presentation, and he'd probably rag on the the ordinariness of the salad and have said the lettuce wasn't fresh enough (had to use my last piddly little romaine heart).

>pasta that i accidentally put salsa in instead of ragu
oh gosh, i dont even want to think about it

>>4687724
>This luncheon meat sushi is spectacularly chopped
>BUT WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU SERVING, A FUCKING CHILD?
>"Y-yes, my son asked for it."

>>4693810
Why do people like that course? He just provides instructions for specific dishes, and barely provides any explanations.

Penne pasta with a made-up, paprika and balsamic heavy tomato sauce. Topped with feta and fresh basil

>Oh look, he's used feta cheese. I bet you think you're the peak of fucking culinary art, Mr lower middle-class yuppie.
>And would you like some tomato with your fucking paprika? You're supposed to use a tablespoon's worth, not a fucking front-end loader full.
>Piss poor effort, now fuck off.

I don't give a shit what that rage-addicted faggot has to say about my leftover chili and spaghetti, and OP, you're a faggot for suggesting that what he thinks matters to a single fucking degree.

>>4687724

I'd eat ramen with Ramsay.

Risotto with mushrooms... Turned out okay, so he would probably only call me a donkey once.

>>4687724
>WHAT THE FUCK WHY WERE YOU EATING 1 LITRE OF COTTAGE CHEESE

>>seafood chowder
clams are too fucking tough, and what the fuck are you trying to do? drown all your flavors in cream? your chops are uneven and shitty,

he says hurtful stuff but then throws up halfway through because one of my ingredients has gone bad

>Marinated Garlic and Herb Kangaroo Fillets
There's no consistency in the doneness of the meat, with one being over cooked and the other two fillets slightly too ray for my taste. You over salted the meat, and you should never pour burnt blood and marinade on top of your meat to serve.

And you need a fucking side dish. Sweet Potato or some cum.

Guajillo and ancho carne picada enchiladas.
He'd probably say it looks like a plate of hot vomit (valid point) but would probably enjoy the red sauce. Shit took a lot of time and effort to perfect, mang

>>4693997
/fit/ go home yer drunk.

>>4687724
>German Pancake

Too much fucking lemon juice. If I wanted Lemon cake I would have ordered fucking lemon cake! And the cake itself is just flavorless!

>>4694507
well, when life gives you lemons, dont make lemonade for goardan, make anything but lemonade with those lemons and shove it his mouth and burn his house down with said non-lemonade-lemon-products.

>Ghetto Biryani

WHY is it so SPICY
WHERE ARE DA VEGETABLES
Jesus Christ

>>4687908
>implying
He is really anal about kitchen hygiene

>>4687944
>rabbit dinner

fuck yes

>>4688212
it happens quite a bit actually.

>>4688497
>taught
Jokes on you m8
I'm self taught

>>4694030
dont sweat it anon, kangaroo is hard to get right unless youve cooked it a few times.
>slightly too rare for my taste
what a fucking dumb cunt pommy limey poofter git. rare is how you eat kangaroo. anything else and you have ruined it. it becomes tough and flavourless far sooner than beef. i eat mine rare with habanero sauce on the side, you only need a small dip of each piece of meat in the sauce. seriously, its one of those magical pairings in food, like lamb and rosemary. has to be habanero though for the smokiness.

>>4689219
>make new untested dish
>give to fancy britbong

top lel

he will probably beat me to death for eating cold pasta salad but

i do have a manflu so potent i could contaminate him, i guess

and at least i mashed an avocado into it

he'd probably call it dry because it's leftover mexican food, which doesn't normally heat up well

>>4688500
>http://youtu.be/_XDW6xo5scU

I can't wait for Celebrity MMA to be a thing.

> are ye takin' the piss mate?
n...no chef...
> oh I think you are. you made, what? chicken liver sautee, is it supposed to be?
y...yes chef
> AND WHY DID YOU NOT SEASON THE LIVERS, YOU SILLY BUGGER?
mi...my girlfriend is al-lergic to p-pepper, chef
> AND THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SAUCE, YOU SAD EXCUSE FOR A LINE COOK? WHAT IS THIS BROWN GOOP? IT'S A BLOODY GRAVY IS WHAT IT IS, THIS IS NOT SAUCE! WHY DID YOU NOT DEGLAZE THE PAN PROPERLY?!
th-
> NO! ANSWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON AND STOP STUTTERING FOR FUCKS' SAKES OR SO HELP ME
I h-had no wine, chef
> STUTTER AT ME ONE MORE TIME, I DARE YOU. I DOUBLE DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!

the last thing i made was shitty fried rice, eating the leftovers now actually
used a bit too much soy sauce
was out of green onion

i know he wouldn't like it, so i would tie him down and blow it into ever orifice of his body

id watch him squirm and gasp for air as the oyster sauce burns the inside of his dick

gordon you cheeky bastard

>>4687724
>Toasted pita bread with lettuce, cucumber, humus, bell pepper and feta cheese.

"I sure hope that isn't what I think it is... Yes that's store bought pita bread and it's probably been heated in a toaster by the look of it. Is this some sort of sick joke? Allrigh I'll have a bite of thing but I will surely regret it. *DUNNN DUNNN DUNNN* The... I can't believe this...The humus and feta are store bought too... THE HUMUS AND FETA CHEESE ARE STORE BOUGHT TOO!!! Are you trying to insult me with this shit? Disguting. I was expecting plain fare but I wouldn't feed this excrement to the dog. I'm off and thank you for wasting my time."

>>4687724
>Toasted pita bread with lettuce, cucumber, humus, bell pepper and feta cheese.

"I sure hope that isn't what I think it is... Yes, that's store bought pita bread and it's probably been heated in a toaster by the look of it. Is this some sort of sick joke? Allright I'll have a bite of this... thing but I will surely regret it. *DUNNN DUNNN DUNNN* The... I can't believe this...The humus and feta are store bought too... THE HUMUS AND FETA CHEESE ARE STORE BOUGHT TOO!!! Are you trying to insult me with this shit? Disgusting. I was expecting plain fare but I wouldn't feed this excrement to the dog. I'm off and thank you for wasting my time."

IT'S RAW!
> B-but chef...
IT'S!
> B-but
FUCKING!
> Chef, it's j-
RAAAAAAWWWWW!
> Chef it's carpaccio.
...
Carry on, then. And don't look at me when I'm eating, it makes me uncomfortable.

>>4694638
>squirm and gasp

Damn it, dick

Roasted a turkey and made mashed potatoes.

He'd probably be pissed that the breast isn't juicy as fuck, but the rest of it was, Limey cunt.

>bowl of pretzels
>whole apple

gordon weeps openly

Braised chicken ballontine, zucchini and spinach filling, roasted veg, rye bread.

He'd find something wrong with it.

Potstickers?

They were perfectly cooked, but the folding of them wasn't always perfect or consistent. Good flavor, so I doubt he would hate it.

>>4688488
Though asshole Ramsey definitely isn't just an act. Watch the documentary "Boiling Point" from 1998, when Ramsay was a very promising chef, but still on his quest for three stars and see how he behaves in the kitchen and talks to his staff. It isn't quite "Hell's Kitchen" hyperbole and mad screaming, but you can definitely see that this guy can be quite a prick to work for.

>a bowl of shredded wheat
I dont even fucking know what he'd say.
I don't think he'd mind.

>>4688222
this was my favourite episode of them all I think
>Dem 'murrica feels

>Kraft mac & cheese with sliced hotdogs in it
>He eats it silently, indifferently
>Leaves without saying a word
>6 weeks later I'm found dead in an alley, asphyxiated with mac & cheese, with hotdogs shoved in all my orifices

>>4687724
>rice noodles with chicken (pad thai)
>chicken soaked in a bit of soy sauce
>ginger root, fingerhot chilies, minced garlic, green onion whites
>sauce of chicken stock, brown sugar, fish sauce, rice vinegar, white pepper, cayenne pepper
>fold in green onion greens directly before service, garnish with lime zest and wedge of lime

"Well it looks like a passable pad thai. let's give it a taste, shall we?"

>after you, chef ramsay

"no shrimp, eh? is this not usually served with peanuts? tell me, did you use galangal or common ginger root in this?"

>no shrimp on hand. same for the nuts. i used another teaspoon of fish sauce to compensate the shrimp. common ginger, as well.

"it's a bit savory, isn't it?"

>yes, i cut a bit of the sugar out. the last batch i prepared was a bit overly sweet.

"well it's isn't BAD... it isn't GREAT either. tell me how many times have you prepared this dish?"

>this is the third time

"well the rice noodles and chicken are prepared fantastically, at least. the aromatics are used properly... but work on this sauce a bit, yeah? with a bit more experience this could be a good dish. overall nice try - but work on it, yes?"

>>4694765

>>4687943
where the fuck am i supposed to get 360g of protein? i mean come on, man.

.he stabs me for using ramen

grilled sausages with beef casserole stew (no beef, just boiled leek, trimmed beans and mushrooms) served with a flour tortilla wrap

at least he can't say its not imaginative

>>4695611
>drop a heavy, flat, non-porous cake into a pan of superheated oil

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG

In a quiet voice, he asks "You go through all this effort, ten minutes, to make stove ramen with egg and spices? Why don't you just get the ingredients and make a real soup?"

"It's easier," I say.

He covers his mouth and smiles to himself. "F[BEEP]k me."

>>4687724
Well, the last thing I cooked was a special cake I cooked for my bros because we were celebrating a birthday.

>Bottom Layer
Reeses Peanut Butter Cups inside of brownies
>Middle Layer
Chocolate Chip Cookies with M&Ms inside
>Top Layer
Frosting and Candles

Served on paper plates with a glass of milk

I might get points for inventiveness, put he would strangle me for presentation

>>4694765
I made this but added in sharp chedder and instead of hot dogs added tuna.

>>4695635
He would beat your ass since that's nasty as shit

>shitty salmon fillet with pesto
>boxed rice pilaf

;_;

>>4688089
that was deliberate and heinous

>>4691436
>mfw that outfit cost about $18,000

I'm ok with this

>fresh everything bagel lightly toasted
>fresh farmers' market tomato
>Oscar Mayer turkey breast
>oregano
>cayenne pepper
>Taco Bell hot sauce

Well, I'm going to die. Ramsay's going to kill me dead.

>bologna 'n' cheese sandwich and canned whole potatoes

He'll probably scream and yell until he realizes that I'm getting off on it.