/ck/ - Food & Cooking

>Insulted his host at the fucking thanksgiving table
Jesus fuck, you boorish piece of shit.

>>9743341
Hey I tried being nice and they kept trying to push the issue m8.

>>9743356
If you need to wow on Christmas a standing rib roast never fails to impress.

I wish my family dinner had an exciting neckbeard vs grandma argument

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUCUsNx1HTs

>>9743335
>insults the host saying he can cook better
>thinks cooking is all about following directions and measurements
off yourself m8

>>9743421
Now's not the time for even more insults, it's the time for performing so I don't have to apologize.

>>9743335

Is this the same copypasta in the vein of the irish stew and homemade recipes stories?

>>9743423
Seconding rib roast. Find a local butcher, get a small cut to practice with. Perfect your recipe. Go back and buy a better roast. Pour your heart and soul into making the best roast possible. Make traditional sides using organic ingredients.

You will succeed if you do this.

>>9743423
you sound like a real stand-up dude. you're probably going to fail

>>9743410
>put the camera away
>we're going to look back on this and enjoy it, it's fine
kek

>>9743335
If you really want to BTFO this person then make the same dishes they made for Thanksgiving, but do them way better. But we're going to need some greentext about how this went down today.

>>9743335
Again with this stale pasta?

>>9743500
it's not pasta its turkey

>>9743335
if you got the money then do a prime rib.
buy one and find a recipe. pray it comes out good
reproduce on christmas.
perfect another meat and look like a boss

>>9743335
Is that you, Irish Stew poster?

>>9743423
>it's the time for performing so I don't have to apologize

You petty piece of shit.
I wish you the best of luck.

>>9743545
No, not that Anon.

>>9743356
I really need to know how this happened so I can see if you're being an arsehole or not

details please

>>9743410
this can't be real, it has to be scripted. it's too perfect

>>9743370
Only true if the family isn't used to christmas duck. Imy family is used to duck and I can guarantee people would be pissed if they didn't get duck. It is easily the best christmas centerpiece

>>9743938
The grandmas acting is way too realistic

>>9743467
>At uncle's house
>One of those certified grill master™ types that is hardly a master outdoors, and especially not with kitchen fare.
>Been socializing with family. Everyone asking me about going back to school or getting a girlfriend.
>Already accepted impending wizardom in like middle school
>Get a plate.
>Really don't think he can cook, but try everything out of courtesy.
>Stovetop stuffing tastes like a $5 whore after a $1 cigar.
>Walmart turkey has been reseasoned, baked a little longer, and claimed as home-cooked.
>Beans undercooked, still almost crunchy.
>Store-bought ham is at least honest in its origin.
>Mediocre greens.
>Sitting at the table, dining with family, typical conversations.
>Getting onto typical relationship shit.
>Oh boy, here we go.
>"You find a girl yet, Anon? You're not some kind of faggot, are you?"
>"No, Uncle Anon, I'm not gay."
>"You know what they called a 20 year old that wasn't gay and never dated when I was your age? A retard. You're not retarded, are you?"
>"No, Uncle Anon, I'm not retarded."
>Uncle drags out the retarded bit.
>Conversation mercifully shifts to work.
>Try to join in on this conversation about the trip I took for my shitty restaurant job.
>Uncle cuts me off.
>"We're talking about real jobs here, Anon."
>Finished eating because the food is garbage, but can't just get up with a plate half full now.
>The only thing at the table my uncle could roast properly is me.
>Just sort of quietly linger at the table for half an hour while the conversation continues.
>Uncle notices I haven't finished my food.
>"Oh, did I hurt your feelings, Anon?"
>"No, I'm just full."
>"Be honest, Anon."
>I honestly get shit-talked by my family all the time, so it's no big deal, but the food is seriously nasty and now I can't bin the rest of the plate without looking like a bitch.
>"Really, I'm fine. Just full."
>"Do you need your handler to feed you the rest?"
>"Hey, even a retard could make a better dressing than this."
Post limit 1/2

>>9743954
>No, Uncle Anon, I'm not gay."
Why not?

>>9743954
>Table gets that awkward silence
>I've never cooked for my family before, so my competency is undetermined.
>We all talk shit about relative's cooking ability all the time but never to their face.
>"Oh, so I can't cook? I've been handling meat since before you started handling your own."
>"I'm just being honest, Uncle Anon."
>"Well, if you're such a critic, why don't you cook something?"
>"I guarantee I can do a better job, Uncle Anon."
>"Well then, you're doing Christmas."
>I'm definitely not ready to do a holiday.
>I hardly make the money to even host a holiday meal.
>Table of smug assholes that aren't going to let me back out of this one bit.
>"Yeah, okay. I'll do Christmas."
>Dumb fucking cousin tries to chime in.
>"Anon you know you can't cook for shit, just say sorry."
>"Uncle Anon should apologize for serving this food."
>Refuse to apologize.
>Leave before Uncle Anon leaves to go shopping.
>Have no idea what the fuck to cook next month.
>At least 12 people coming for Christmas.

>>9743984
What do you usually have for christmas?

>said nigger at dinner table

>>9743988
We usually went to my grandmother's house, but she passed earlier this year.
It was typically a remix of Thanksgiving but with ham replacing turkey as the centerpiece. Also, the pies are for some reason a Christmas thing here and not a Thanksgiving thing. Christmas is typically:
>Ham
>Sweet potatoes
>Dressing
>Stewed greens of some variety.
>Pies
>Cheesecake

>>9743954
>>9743984
Fucking hell dude, that guy doesn't deserve the energy it takes to make a meal like that

>>9744007
Shouldn't you do the best possible version of that, then? Breaking tradition is a dangerous game

>>9743954

Alright, after that story, you got my help. First thing first: make what you can make ahead of time, and make the things you can on the day of, so you don't get overwhelmed.
tl;dr pace yourself of cooking over several days.
Gravy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myxMo-VCGTQ
shit simple rich onion gravy. Even if for some reason your mashed potatos fail, and your turkey is lackluster, gravy can save you in many instances.

You ever made mashed potatoes? The sooner you figure out your food list for xmas, the better.

>>9744014
Yeah, but I feel it'd be even weirder doing the same stuff my grandmother did because any failure to nail it exactly will be just as bad as doing something totally different but well.

>>9744009
My family is very strong with the banter, but I got all the short ends of the genetic stick, down to being the only manlet.

>>9744021
Yes, I've made mashed potatoes before, with varying butter ratios.

>>9744024
what else do you want to make? do you want to do the turkey to show him up? beans?
someone linked this in the thanksgiving thread, and its easy enough you could try making it beforehand so you know what to expect and makes a lot of portions
http://foodwishes.blogspot.com/2012/12/rosemary-honey-pull-apart-dinner-rolls.html

>>9744042
The rolls look neat. I honestly don't care much for beans unless I'm making a bulk batch for my week, but I do black beans and season them in a manner that wouldn't go well with the rest of the items. I can try turkey, though.

>>9743954
>>9743984
>The only thing at the table my uncle could roast properly is me.
lmao

It sounds like you have a shitty family, anon. But to answer your question, if you're really going to try to one up your uncle with the inferiority complex, then I would suggest you stick to more traditional fare. Your uncle sounds like a rube, so if you present some exotic kind of dish he's gonna think he won no matter how good it is.

Other anons have suggested standing rib roast, which is very good, but you have to be careful with heat control and timing to make that work. I would seriously "do your homework" and make sure you don't fuck this up. Try London Broil, maybe a pancetta-wrapped beef tenderloin, or lamb. Here's what I'm doing for my family's Christmas Eve dinner.

>roasted tomato soup with sliced french bread topped with goat cheese and herbs
>a beautiful caesar salad with homemade caesar dressing (see gordon ramsay's recipe)
>whole beef tenderloin wrapped in pancetta served with roasted asparagus, mashed potatoes, and wild rice
>red velvet cake with cream cheese icing
>brandy alexanders to wash it all down

Wah fucking lah

>>9743954
Gee. And I thought letting my family assume my faghag is my girlfriend was awkward.

Im not a good cook, but cant you ask tips from your resturant job chef.. maybe even get some free vegetables or something ?

also post after christmas also

>>9744007
Buy a sugar cured ham and smoke it over cherry or apple wood at 275 until the IT is 135. Apply glaze. Let glaze set until IT is 145.

>>9744107
can you ask your family for help on getting your revenge? like money to buy food you can practice on?

Cheat and order a personal chef or caterer. No asshole deserves honest effort if your story is true. I'd say stick to tradition, duck isn't too hard if you do the prep work. Do everything in advance so you have plenty of time to learn and not fuck up. I don't know your family but I doubt the majority of them would hold a grudge for that long and it'd suck worse to ruin everyone else's holiday with rivalry. That said, bread rolls can be made, prebaked partially, frozen and finished in the oven the day of. Mashed potatoes loaded with butter and creme fraiche are great and can be prepared ahead of time. Brussel sprouts are classic, but you'd probably need to do them the day of to be good

Alternative is to apologize and be graceful. Or weasel out by breaking an arm or something

hey anon,

i used to be the head chef of a couple fine dining restaurants- here's what i would make

my favorite christmas dish is beef bourguignon. this is a solid rendition
https://www.epicurious.com/recipes/member/views/julia-childs-beef-bourguignon-50159695
it's a very rich stew that only improves in the following days, very good for leftovers. you will need roughly a pound of meat per person, and must begin cooking several hours before dinner
serve with several loaves of fresh french bread (buy at store)

green bean casserole- old country food, canned green beans, cream of mushroom, topped with fried onion crisps and baked into a casserole. tastier than it sounds.

stuffing- this is your time to shine. look up some recipes and figure out what works best. you'll be a much better cook for it

everyone likes scalloped potatoes. in a casserole dish- butter cheese milk sliced potatoes salt pepper chives. make sure the potatoes cook thru.

walnut, pomegranite, and golden raisin salad (greens not romaine) with any sweeter vinaigrette (just taste)

for dessert, make 4 cheesecakes the day before
http://www.geniuskitchen.com/recipe/new-york-cheesecake-57025
top two with Bonne Maman's blueberry jelly (2 jars) and melted drizzled white chocolate. two plain

find a plain chocolate mousse and whipped cream recipe- make a couple gallons of it. great for feeding guests


do candied orange peels if you're up to it. they're very good. always boil them 3x- the bitterness is stubborn.

>>9745184
>head chef of a couple fine dining restaurants
>canned cream of mushroom soup

stopped reading

>inb4 they still rag on OP anyway because its obvious no one in his family actually respects him or cares about him

>>9745547
Seriously, after that story I doubt there is any winning here.
It sounds more they they would rather watch you fail and get put in your place by your uncle, than see you succeed. They are setting you up for failure by forcing you to cook a meal they know you have never attempted, and don't even have the money for. As for your uncle, I see two outcomes. Either he's going to think your food is inferior no matter what and declare himself the winner, or he's going to realize you are better at cooking and resent the fuck out of you, ostracizing you even more.
If your goal is to win admiration, this sounds like a poor way of doing it. I'd say don't take the bait. But you obviously know your family better than any of us do.

>>9743423
I vote for weird shit that you think will taste good.

>>9745184
this seems pretty ambitious to do at one time if you've never made these dishes before, especially if you are making these for a group.

You do know what's classic/traditional to you and your culture could be strange and out-there to someone from another, right?

I recently-ish learnt that Brits eat turkey at Christmas, Americans eat ham and Central Americans eat tamales, each of which seem weird to me, though I'm more than sure our Christmas of smoked, pickled/marinated, roasted and stewed fish dishes would seem bizarre to Americans, Brits and Mexicans.

That said, doing traditional and doing it well is, to me, more impressive than doing your own thing, no matter how delicious it may be. Reason being is that tradition is a set of rules and guidelines and if you can work within those rules/guidelines and yield something good that, to me, is more indicative of talent than just tossing tradition to the wayside and cooking something you know you can do well.

I vote tradition.

>>9743984
just apologize and admit you couldn't do better and would probably do the same shit he did.

>>9743938
>>9743949
There is a whole series featuring this guy and his "family" doing this like this. I wanted it to be real as well but YT popped up all the other vids when it finished.

>>9743992
>said nigger at the dinner table
>in front of my gf's black boyfriend

When your family gets there, give a brief presentation about world hunger and say you've made a generous donation to a feed the homeless charity with the money for the meal. Then hand out some chips and salsa.

>>9746303
This. Honestly dude unless you live at home fuck your family. You have no obligation to hang out with them during the holidays and you certainly don't have to bend over backwards and spend money you don't have cooking for the ungrateful fucks.

My suggestions is to take the money would you dump down the drain cooking Christmas dinner and spend it on yourself. Have a nice day alone from your family or buy a whore or some drugs or both; whatever floats your boat. I certainly wouldn't waste it on something as ridiculous as this. Nothing good will come of it.

>>9746890
If I succeed, I win. Even had he refuses to admit that I outcooked him, he'll know. I want that smug asshole to take a bite, realize he's been played, and be left unable to finish his plate. Because he'll know. And he might even try to lie, but I'll know he knows. And I'll look at his plate and look at him, and I'll mouth the words when only he's looking. "This gay retard can cook"

>>9747557
jesus

>>9746873
Kek

>>9746832
your girlfriends boyfriend?