/ck/ - Food & Cooking

I drank a bottle of rum, pissed and vomited in my bed and the neighbors don't want me in their house anymore, I'm not sure what I did.

>>9881777
I spent 3 years and 4 months in prison for intoxicated manslaughter. Sitting on 5 of 7 years of probation.I killed my older brother.

>>9881777
I once started shitting myself while throwing up in my toilet, so I grabbed the garbage can and held it up to my ass while I continued to puke. Realized what I was doing, turned around to sit on the toilet to finishing spraying shit and throw up in garbage... smelled my bender shit and created a whole new type of vomit and ascended.

>>9881777
have been drinking heavily for 20 years ruining my life and destroying my health, used to drink up to 2-3 bottles of vodka per day, i have woken up countless times in hospitals, psychiatric wards and several times in jail, quit drinking but am old now and it feels like i have been in a semi-coma my entire life, have had a good life so am not complaining, guess that would be my outrageous drinking story, marry Christmas

>>9881942
>marry Christmas

korsakoffs detected.

lol

>>9881799
Hahahahah that's hilarious, could be a comic scene

>>9881794
Shit dog. Can you roleplay and tell us how you did it in great detail? Also, if you're not lying, how are you doing?

>>9881794
fucking women..

>>9881777

Why do people do this cliche "lets hold our glasses up like we're having a good time" bullshit?

Went to some birthday party a while back and the birthday "girl" attempted to do this. It was awkward and I could see pain in everyone's faces.

This can't be a real thing. It has to be something they saw on TV or in a movie and feel they need to do it because it's normie shit or they want to be a protagonist.

>>9881942

Thanks, anon.

I drink about 1/2 to 1/3 bottle of whiskey a day. I thought that was bad. You made me feel a little better.

New new year's resolution: stop drinking.

>>9882041
>the birthday "girl"

what

Ever have an experience with a drug where the uncomfortable results of a drug compound with your guilt of taking the drug in the first place? That's how I felt when I took a small amount of liquor up my ass. I didn't have fun at that party after the butt shot. Don't do butt shots, I say that sincerely, don't do it

I'm not a heavy drinker, but my friends have a few good stories.

>still living with parents, late teens
>gets home shitfaced drunk
>managed to get upstairs without waking anyone
>has to puke, so he opens one of the windows
>pukes right into the bug screen which filtered all the chunks

Other friend, later life
>gets home drunk, wife's asleep
>stumbles at the top of the stairs
>falls to his knees and immediately pukes
>noise scared the wife, she comes running
>she slips on the puke and falls right into it, flat on her back

>uncle with drinking problem
>he goes help one of his buddies to tow a car
>uncle in driver seat of the towed car for some reason
>halfway the drive to the shop he farts
>except it was a beerfart accompanied with liquid shit
>soaked into a customers' cars' driver seat

got drunk with my younger sister one night when our parents were out and we made out and she let me finger her

>>9882071
das hawt

i loudly made very very racist jokes about japanese people in a sushi restaurant. it had to do with japanese people dying in the 2011 tsunami and i was making the jokes while the tsunami was still in the news. no one could do anything about it because me and everyone with me was black but i still feel awful when i think about it.

Alright, here's one of my more outrageous stories.

>Be around 25, mid 2000s
>Newyears eve party in a small Swedish town.

>Drinking with friends, decide to join another party at a friend of a friends apartment, know some of the people there.
>We leave for the place, arrive, the apartment is mostly filled with garbage, small road to traverse inside the apartment to the tv-room.
>Sofa, three guys sitting there, drinking and merry.
>The apartment owner is Finnish/Indian and dressed in a penguin suit, for no apparent reason. He's drinking heavily and gets progressivly more drunk.
>We sit down, drink, converse, everything is fine and we're having fun.
>Suddenly the apartment owner stands up, leaves the room, comes back in with a fire axe.
>There's a wooden chair in the middle of the room, we're all sitting in the sofa, a table between us and the chair.
>He proceeds to completely trash the chair with his fire axe, we're all slightly uncomfortable.

>He finishes trashing the chair, we stand up and thank him for a nice party and leave.

>>9881794
story?

>>9882041
I'm getting the feeling that everyone was actually having a good time and you're just an autistic loner

>>9882081
Why could no one do anything about it? Who cares about a tribe of boons?

>>9882047
He hangs out with trannies and doesn't want to admit it.

>>9882071
Fuck off, Lena, you're a hideous hambeast.

>>9882081
>no one could do anything about it because me and everyone with me was black
#justniggerthings

>>9882113
>autistic loner

Is this even an insult anymore? Autism is some pretty great shit.

>New Years 2014
>At a bar downtown with roommates
>Start talking to a gorgeous older woman (early 40s) at a bar in an outside courtyard
>Hey gay friend is behind the fence of the courtyard in an alley smoking a joint
>Offers me a hit through the fence and say “no I don’t smoke gay weed” and this woman thinks it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard
>Tell roommates not to worry about me coming home
>Takes me to her hotel suite, proceeds to strip me and bath me in the hot tub, oils herself up and gives me a full body nuru massage with her whole body
>Fuck her raw, cum in her
>Last thing I remember before blacking our is her sticking her ass in my face while I lick and suck her asshole
>Wake up and she’s gone
>Left a note saying she loved our time together and that she had to leave early that morning to catch a flight to New York because she’s a makeup company executive and to leave when I’m ready because she already checked out
>Phone is dead
>Hotel downtown where I am is nine miles away from my house
>No one on the street becaus New Years, so cant borrow a phone from people and no stores or restaurants are open
>Walk the 9 miles to my apartment
>Legs give out as I get through the door
>Text her a little and don’t hear from her for a month
>She calls to tell me she’s pregnant
>Now have a 3 year old daughter with the CEO of a makeup company nearly twice my age

Alcohol is a hell of a drug

>be me
>sit around drinking water or some soda
>people watch all the drunk people
>try to shrug off any drunk girls that try to talk to me
>manage everyone so they dont ruin their lives
>always be this person at every event
>been completely sober my entire life

Thats basically every gathering of people who drink I'm at

>>9882144
Maybe it's the alcohol
Maybe it's Maybelline

>>9882144

coo story, bro

>>9882081
Nobody said anything because you guys would probably have chimped the fuck out.

>Be me
>19
>Drunk
>Walking home from bar
>Gang of 5 15 - 16 year olds coming my way
>They jump me and start kicking and punching the shit out me
>Grabbed one and started punching him in the face until my hand went numb
>Threw him against the other fuckers
>Ran like fuck
>One went to block me, swung at him and flattened him on the ground
>Kept running
>Started puking while running

Woke up the next day covered in bruises, couldn't move out of the bed, my back and shoulders were fucked for about a month

>at high school party
>drunk as fuck
>also really into opiates/heroin
>sketch off and leave the party in my bmw 328i
>have to drive 20 miles to meet dealer
>driving there i hit like 2 mail boxes spin out and completely pop tire
>driving on straight rim going home
>sparks everywhere
>it's like 3am so no one on road
>get home without being pulled over

crazy night desu

>>9882205
Niggers are harmless except against each other and whites we need culled anyway. Look at the stats. They are not tough... thats why the fight with guns. The reason some of them look swoll is because that is type that sold well in America back in the day. They are passive.

One time my best friend jumped over a bonfire, landed in a squatting position on the other side still clutching a fifth of Old Crow and this retarded smile on his face. Then in like slow motion he tilts backward and falls directly into the fire and everyone starts laughing and freaking out. We pulled him out and he appeared to be ok. Funny as fuck. That was the first time i ever killed a fifth of liquor and i puked all down the side of this chicks car. Good times

>>9882144
>downtown hotel that doesn't have someone on duty 24/7
Sure, buddy.

>>9882041
Youve never done cheers?
Its not uncommon at all. Although some people make a point of knowing as many other cultures "cheers" as possible and act all enlightened because they said Prost instead

>>9882169
>been completely sober my entire life
You sound horribly boring

>>9881777
Drank a shit ton with my mates at the club.
Some random guy I made friends with was given a sample by some paki.
I drank almost the whole thing.
Turns out the drug was fucking whack and I collapsed.
I had to be dragged home since I was practically comatose.
I survived and the random guy was pleased he didn't get spiked.

Went camping out in the Tasmanian wilderness near a waterfall with a few friends.
Got black out drunk and don't remember anything, woke up in hospital with 6 missing teeth and a broken jaw.
Apparently I fell down the waterfall head first and got helicoptered to the nearest hospital.

>>9882252

I didn’t realise my phone was dead until I’d left. You give shithole mid-tier georgia cities boutique hotels too much credit. I stayed there visiting the town a couple years later and some guy walked in on me and the girl I was seeing naked about 30 seconds after we were done having sex. Some nog, just randomly walking into the room and then u-turning when he saw people were in it

>>9882257

Didn't say it was uncommon. Said it was cringy as fuck.

>>9882438
Pretty sure it's you and possibly your autistic tranny friends who are cringy.
Drinking to the person the party is for or just to signal the start of the meal, like Christmas dinner, is not only reasonable and good manners, it's probably also as old as humanity itself.
You probably think eating with others at all is "cringy" and you're "above it" when you take your plate to your room tonight, don't you, faggot?

>>9882315
Sounds like you were pretty lucky that at least one friend was less drunk that you. Holy shit.

>>9882471
>when you take your plate to your room tonight, don't you, faggot?

Wew. If you projected anymore Samsung might try to sell you as a licensed product for business presentations.

>>9882047
Birthday girl (male)

2 years ago at nye I drank 6 bottles of wine and half a bottle of Montenegro.
we were at some shitty restaurant that had a dinner for nye, filled with old fucks and gypsies. I vomited exactly at midnight after the wine then I drank the Montenegro. also smoked hash at a cop's house with his daughter and my friends.

>>9882438
what are you even talking about? have you never drank with a group of people before?

>>9882662

People? Sure. People are just fine. They get drunk and shoot the shit.
You seem to be referencing "people" to normies though. I don't drink with those faggots. Nobody should, except other normies.

Shouldn't you be on reddit or something?

>>9882272
You sound dependent on a substance for fun

>>9882144
didn't happen, not even an interesting story
0/10

>>9882197
he can't eat all those eggs.

>>9882041
It's a perfectly ordinary gesture of respect, no different from a wave or a hand shake.

>>9882739
>He drinks at all
>He must have to drink for fun!
The only reason you get invited anywhere is to be DD, guarantee it.

>>9881777
Drank an entire bottle of Tanqueray and woke up at 6am the next morning in the playground of the elementary school I went to covered in what I believe was my vomit.

>>9882071
Wincest? In my /ck/?

>>9882187
hahahahahahaaaaaa

>>9882169
I have a similar thing. I try to get completely drunk, but I end up feeling fine except a slight dizziness and stomach pain, throwing up many times, but I always be like "Excuse me", go throw up in the toilet, return and continue drinking.

>>9881777
Overseas port, drinking, bar.
I have no brains in my head, having the time of my life, despite doing basically nothing.
Hear some shouting.
Look over, see a mate get punched.
It was like a god of fury possessed every sailor in that room, we went berserk. I never felt anything like that in my life or ever again.
Next time I remember having a normal thought, my knuckles are busted, my face is busted, one of us clearly needs stitches, and we were the victors.

We rationalized that the most sensible thing to do was to continue our original plans to keep drinking.

It was a different life.

>Drank too much tequila
>took the very last city bus back home (~20km away)
>get off within the first five minutes to projectile vomit in front of a church
>pass out in a bus shelter (about -10C, but I’m dressed warm)
>wake up to some guy hollering about being kicked out of a taxi for punching a window
>vomit at his feet
>guy runs off
>pass out again
>wake up and muster the energy to walk to Tim Hortons
>eat two bagels and call a cab
>$75 ride
>fuck

>>9881777
i can't remember

>>9881777
>Living in Japan, have conversational Japanese but not great
>Have a shy but basically fluent friend
>Drinking and he mentions his girl broke up with him
>Convince him to go to an all you can drink sex bar I took a female friend to a few months back
>Walking around in our boxers jacked up, we both have the biggest dicks in the room.
>Participate in all the dick rating and examination games to get interest
>I initially starting the conversation and him coming in with the fluent Japanese
>End up getting back and forth blown then double teaming a girl who looks like she was straight out of AKB while her impotent boyfriend looks on

Was a lot of fun but that place was a lot better when you were mostly sober and only had a few drinks for courage.

>>9883171
>>vomit at his feet
>>guy runs off
kek

>Overseas staying with my chink friends for a few months
>Turn 21
>Even though I could already drink there, we go out and get fucking wasted anyways because "bro you're 21!!"
>Asians start drinking at fucking 6pm and go until 6am
>I am NOT used to that, and keep getting egged on to drink more than I should because "you're white dude you can drink better" and because birthday
>Start blacking out around 2am
>Made a really bad pass at some korean girl who was interested in talking to me
>Ended up eating live octopus
>Got really hungry and got some pork dish from the 7/11, the cashier kept trying to get me to microwave it and I just drunkenly said "okay" and left
>Ate a big bowl of ice cold, mostly raw pork
>Pretty sure I tried to cuddle somebody after I passed out on the floor, only vaguely remember getting shoved off of something
>Woke up the next day with my face smooshed into a bunch of rice cakes with shrimp heads laying everywhere
Still cringe at the memory of trying to kiss that girl.

>>9881799
>hold garbage up to catch feces
I like the way you think

>>9883262
>all you can drink sex bar
I'm sorry a WHAT

>>9882144
>early 40's
>daughter
Does she have downs or is she merely on the spectrum?

>Asians start drinking at fucking 6pm and go until 6am

Yeah, man. There's a specific type of Asian that doesn't fuck around with alcohol. You met that those types.

>am Asian
>just recently turn 21, haven't really drank before
>get invited to friend of friend's NYE party
>just slowly drinking
>some guy brings over his take out
>eat all of it while everyone else is gone
>because this was in the city, we watched the fireworks at the Space Needle on the rooftop
>we ran out of nice cups
>I only had a Solo
>I went up to random people and asked for champagne
>I must have had 3-6 full cups of champagne
>start blacking out
>before I completely black out I start calling everyone else there chinks
>everyone there is also Asian
>I eventually get kicked out

Since then, I know my limit and have probably gotten more fucked up, but I don't call people chinks or pretty much anything anymore.

>>9883283
Japan is a godless, heathen nation

>>9883290
Is that a regional thing or something? That sounds fucking crazy

I'm a wise (i.e. boring) drunk so nothing too crazy, but once we got so drunk after a long dishbitch shift at the restaurant I couldn't feel my face.
I remember early subway commuters looking at me like an ayylium while I was trying to feel my face.

>>9881777
>years ago
>regularly video skype with odd assortment of people around the world
>had a tradition of "drinking nights"
>one night the tiny british girl decides she's going to try to match the angry canadian drink for drink
>hefts large bottle of gin onto her desk and puts bin on the floor nearby
>everyone starts drinking
>initially she actually manages to hold her own
>...
>but as the night gets later it's clear she's getting pretty tipsy
>someone makes a joke
>tiny british girl starts to laugh then freezes
>she grabs the bin and puts it on her lap as quick as she can
>entire call grows silent as we realize what's about to happen
>like a train-wreck in slow motion the call watches in a mix of laughter and horror
>as tiny british girl expels at least 80% of a handle of gin all over the bottom of her upsidown bin

Y'know how water gets sprayed off a spoon at odd angles if you hold it under a faucet?

It was both exactly like that and yet so much worse.

>>9883292
No they're all over the major cities, but two years ago when I was going you only needed atleast conversational Japanese to get a membership.

Was extremely disappointed on my list trip out there after moving away to find that they have made it so you can only get a membership if you have evidence of being an actual resident in the country. I used to take friends there pretty often and vouch for them when I was living there. I assume because of the fucking olympics and new money Chinese that don't know how to act

>>9883363
How am I supposed to enjoy a crazy sex party now

>>9883368
Imagine having a year long planned trip to only find out that the police raided all of the bars literally a week before you landed and made them implement that rule. Fucking 1000 days until the olympics

>>9883374
God damn.
Although honestly I'm surprised they foreigners in at all in the first place, when I was in korea there were tons and tons of bars that just told you to fuck off if you weren't blatantly korean, and even then you had to present some form of proof you lived there.

>>9881777
90% of the stories ITT

>>9882144

>>9882144
>No phone in a hotel

Literally have one in the room you can dial out from not to mention usually a business center area unless the NYC CEO baby mama went to super 8 which is doubtful

>>9883262
>then double teaming a girl who looks like she was straight out of AKB while her impotent boyfriend looks on
Thanks now I'll be depressed as fuck until the day I die because something like this will never happen to me

>>9883359
did u faggots fuk her after?

>21st
>first time ever touching alcohol
>mum wants me to learn hard way to drink in moderation
>parents take me to texmex restaurant
>get margarita in fishbowl
>down it in 10mins
>chips arent even out yet
>havent eaten all day
>start feeling it
>mum orders me one of those corona margarita things
>same size as other one
>gripping onto chair keeping self up at this point
>orders me 2 shots of tequila with no chaser
>too gone to even contemplate it
>take first
>no clue how to do shot
>keep it in mouth
>swish like mouth wash
>tastebuds decimated
>swallow in gulps
>chase with chips n salsa
>other shot is same way
>drunk enough to puke but still conscious of autismo behavior
>stumble to bathroom
>wait to vomit
>shit
>come back
>bill paid
>get a thing of ice cream and leave
>mum has to grab me and push me to car
>takes hands off and I end up on other side of lot
>sober up in 3 hours and play prison architect
I also threw up the ice cream in the car

>>9883442
kek
I'm fairly certain the angry canadian did at one point actually.

>>9882169
You seem like a good person.

I only really have 1 notable bad drinking story and it happens to be one of my first times drinking a lot at once, but first is worst

>16
>house party at friend's
>helping him set up
>get a friend's sister to buy us alcohol
>for some reason feel this obligation from my small effort to get as drunk as I can
>end up finishing at least a fifth in about an hour
>people decide they want Denny's and there's enough DD's
>completely shitfaced upon arrival
>sit down and get placed square in the middle of a giant circular booth squished between 5-6 of my close friends
>order a coke
>breathing heavy and slurring hard
>black family sits down in sight of our booth
>16 fucked up edgy little shit me decides it would be a funny prank on my friends to start loudly saying "niggers" under my hand so they might get in trouble for it
>black family apparently didn't hear this luckily
>"hey bro you alright? need to go to the bathroom?"
>from position slumped into my coke glass insist I'm ok and don't need to go to bathroom
>30 seconds later
>"i need to go to the bathr-BLRGGLL"
>vomit into my coke glass and it overflows with coke and puke
>friends immediately nope the fuck out, luckily avoiding any of this pukacola
>projectile vomit into my hands as they make an attempt to cover my mouth
>as the barf is turned into a fountain being angled off my hands and pouring all over me and the booth
>my best friend wisely scoops me up while I pay for the coke and apologize profusely to everyone involved but most of all the sighing waitress holding a gang of towels as I'm exiting the Denny's
>barf once more just outside of friend's nice car on the way home
>try my best to get boozebarf soaked jacket into wash covertly in garage
>sneak key into door quietly
>mom's awake and sitting on couch
>take one cautious step into the house
>"you reek of alcohol and I could hear you messing around in the garage for the last ten minutes"
>got off with a light scolding and a "hangover will be punishment enough"

>>9883451
>mum wants me to learn hard way to drink in moderation by ordering drinks, making me drink them, and forcing me to be a drunk retard in public
Fuck your parents. That's fucking stupid.

>>9882041

it's "cheers" anon holy fuck

>>9883832

Oh and the kicker to that story

>years later
>famous Denny's story comes up
>friend who was there at another table stayed after my barfstravaganza and saw another group get seated there
>however the waitress neglected to clean the little sunken area behind the booth where I was seated, so it was just a small pool of cola, rum, and vodka barf
>girl with nice homecoming/similar getup sits right in front of the putrid puddle
>friend watches as the girl leans back at some point, dipping her nice styled hair into the sick and then curiously touch her wet curls trying to figure out what happened
>apparently never realized what it was unless it was after the party left

still think about that a lot even though it was more than 10 years ago at this point

>>9883837

agreed, it's like pushing your kid into oncoming traffic so he will know the dangers of skateboarding

>>9883262
nice fake story but this sort of degeneracy isn't any more common in japan than it is in the rest of the world

Open bar party at school.
Wake up with no memories in the middle of the night cuffed to a bed in a hospital.
Escape through the window wearing only an underwear with the mattress still attached to my arm.
Run into a firefighter truck.
I hop in.
They get a call from the hospital: «a patient escaped !»
«Mmmh yes I think he’s with us...»

> be me
> Drinking at home with a friend
> Apperently the neighbors throw a party
> Friend and I decided to take a look
> Have fun at neighbors getting totally wasted.
> Feel urge to take a huge shit.
> Turns out neighbors have a golden toilet
> Shits amazing
> Next day tell my friend about it.
> Doesnt believe me so I ask my neighbor wo is in the front yard.
> Turns out it was a tuba

>>9882187

>with friends out in the city
>drunk and stoned as fuck
>manage to catch the last train after a 2.5 mile walk
>in my drunken stupor, get a moment of clarity and stay close to the train's toilet
>train starts moving, I instantly become nauseous
>run into the toilet
>narrowly closing the door, I projectile vomit all over the room
>panicmode.jpeg
>look outside the stall, no one there
>rush out and shuffle to the last train stall to sit
>feel like the world is going to end
>more people get on the train
>plz don't sit next to me
>yestheydo.tiff
>train moves once more, instant urge to vomit again
>fuck I think, my dignity is gone
>itshappening.exe
>my stomach contracts and forces out the most violent burps I've ever done
>my stomach is screaming in German; echoing throughout the train
>I can't stop and keep burping violently, and loudly
>girl next to me is absolutely disgusting by stomach-powered vuvuzela cries while the guy sitting in front of me is laughing loudly with tears rolling down his face
>this goes on for what seemed like forever
>when the train stops at my stop, I let out one more violent burp
>gondorcallsforaid.rar
>while I leave the train, everyone looks at me in horror

DUDE ALCOHOL LMAO

>>9883900
good post

When i was 14 y/o i was drinking gin with my friend, we end up sucking eachothers dicks

>>9882144
OH MY GOD NINE WHILE MILES ARE YOU OKAY?!

>>9883109
Were you un the navy?

>>9882041
Just people having a good time and saying cheers?

Fucking hell...

>>9881777
21st birthday
>drank 17 to 18 shots in rapid session
>at about 13 or 14 i blacked out
I had always heard of blacking out and thought it was bullshit that alchos make up to do stupid shit.
>got alcohol poisoning and was sick for a good week or two.
I now have a superpower that lets me taste alcohol and artificial sweetener in anything.

oh fuck I don't even know where to start

>>9884290
Thanks for sharing. Please return when you do.

>>9884294
I'm working on it hold on

>>9883269
That part fucking killed me

>>9883289
>before I completely black out I start calling everyone else there chinks
>everyone there is also Asian
Holy shit lmfao

sorry guys I'm just really tired, I keep trying to think of crazy shit I've gotten myself into but all I can think about is this weird night I had with this crazy girl this weekend. Its not really worth posting about, nothing really out of the ordinary tale wise its just bumming me out. have a merry Christmas and get lit senpai, I know I will

>>9881777

>Host a party at my place
>all goes mostly well
>this dude who was the only one who drank like a fucking retard manages to vomit in the bathroom
>we continue and ignore the noises
>next morning
>go to bathroom
>the fucking faggot managed to puke on the ceiling

How on Earth did he manage to vomit 4 meters in the air, is beyond me.

>>9882093
Finns, not even once

>>9881777
Drunk AF, after going to the prostitutes with my friend whom we verbally abused horribly and banged them side by side on the same bed, we jokingly robbed a old dude and landed in prison for 2 months

Myself & friend were driving like sip cunts in an empty neighborhood,ended up in a cop chase during midnight on a a public holiday
Copes stopped us to ask if we were drunk and prep an arrest.Told them them since it was a holiday we had to do an ancestral ritual and drink traditional beer(we're south africans) they laughed handcuffed one wrist until we could provide a bribe,cops took like 1K from my pocket and whatever was in friends wallet then they let us go.then again its better than an unwanted pregnancy and disease

>>9882813
That wasn't me. Please stop bullying just because I don't drink

>>9883359
Sounds pretty fucking funny

>>9884214
> I now have a superpower that lets me taste alcohol and artificial sweetener in anything.
So you are the alcoholic version of spiderman. Did your favorite bartender die and tell you about the responsibility of drinking and driving?

>>9882215
Kek

>>9882041
Have you ever seen alcohol in your entire life a non?

>>9885324
A oui!

>>9881777
Roommate pooped on me in my bed while he was blackout drunk

>>9883880

>got beyond shitfaced at Southern Illinois University's unofficial Halloween celebration
>drinking tequila and 4 Loko like I only have hours to live
>group of equally drunk guys as me are with us, like a fuck ton of them
>I'd accidentally become a member of a huge, drunk mob
>we decided it was time to flip a car we passed by, wasn't my idea but I quickly went all in
>cops get called, too many bodies for them to do anything
>they start getting pelted with beer bottles
>they come back in riot gear and I split
Luckily I was in constume, but I was blacked out drunk long before this all occurred
>mfw I was told what I was apart of the next day

>>9883893
I'm wheezing

>>9882218
did you get your heroin

>>9881999
I had a really bad drinking problem, where is was constantly near blackout 24/7. No one really realized how much I drank. We were hanging out and I feel asleep at the wheel. Not much more than that.

>>9882020
I have weiner.

>>9882112
See above.

>>9882947
Cold day in hell, take note

>>9883893
>stomach-powered vuvuzela

>>9881942
I love you dad, hope you're warm and safe

> 16 years old
> go to a blow out kegger party
> get completely wasted
> try to drive home - car is blocked in by other cars
> “welp, I’ll just walk!”
> stumble down sidewalk, finally get home
> promptly puke in the bushes
> lay down on the lawn for a moment
> wake up at dawn with the sun shining in my eyes
> freezing my ass off, soaked in dew
> my shoes and socks randomly scattered across the lawn
> gather them up and head in, grab the morning paper off the porch
> suddenly realize the paperboy had to step over me to deliver the paper…

>>9886841
send money

>>9881794
Cain and Abel type shit. Nothing can change the past, but you can change the future. I couldn't fathom doing that to any of my brother's though. Rip toya older bro.

>>9881777
Started a bar fight that ended up bringing in 2 different bars across the street

>>9881777
/b/-tier thread

sage

>>9881777
>buy a couple packs of nice beer
>wait till lady friend gets off work late at night
>she picks me up
>we drive up to a spot in the middle of the woods
>knock back several beers while listening to music
>she sucks me off in the back of her van
>we don’t do p in v but only because she’s on her period
>cuddle and eat snacks
>look at the stars and the view of the city in the valley below
>drive back buzzed
>kiss her goodnight
>go to sleep and text here memes the next afternoon
Being fwb is top-tier cu/ck/s.

>>9881777
I am a terrible drunk and worst part is I am the kinda drunk who can pull off the terrible ideas I get no matter how far fetched. Below is just one of my shameful stories...


>Wake up on a private jet
>Strange how the fuck did I get here.jpg
>Get up to leave but a chick wakes up asks me 'Are we there yet'
>Full reality of my situation finally hits me
>Stumble out in a panic and look around
>Pitch black but when I look back at the jet for some reason my face is painted on the side
>Wtf
>See the pilot approach
>Oh thank god ask him how this happened
>He gave me a strange look and tells me he got a call in the middle of the night from his boss
>Upon arriving to work he sees the 'client' who for some reason had his face painted on its side
>Last time I checked I did not own a plane much less a jet
>Asks me if I made up my mind on the destination
>...wait does that mean we haven't left yet
>Yup you said you wanted to sleep on it so did you finally make up your mind?
>Nearly shat a brick in relief...but he does not know much

Turned out I took a short nap which sobered me up as I wasn't sure where I wanted to go yet.

To this day I still haven't figured out how the flying fuck I pulled that off in less than a single night and I've tried. Ended up getting rid of the plane because maintenance and storage costs are no joke. Still, have no idea how I got it or I arranged everything while so wasted. Despite looking into it.

Wish I could say that was my most outrageous story that happened to me...but I am no ordinary drunk.

>>9882187

>>9886921
i don't really think this needs saying but...
didn't happen

>>9882169
I used to be like this with my friends when I still lived in my home city. I would drink, but only mildly, and olften stop my friends from doing stupid/retarded/dangerous/illegal things, because they are fucking retarded.

One time I stopped them from setting an advertisment billboard on fire.
Another time I stopped them from going out onto the roof of a house in the middle of a rainy night.
Another time I stopped a group of friends from climbind construction scaffolding.
Don't even get me started on helping drunk friends that had to puke or did puke outside of the bathroom. Arranging cleanup and thei return home.

It's tough being responsible, but I know they really appreciate it. And they've grown out of this shit so it's fine.

>>9886921
>no joke
Dr. Peterson, the patreon bux are getting out of hand.

>>9881777
Flipped a van after drinking beer with Klonopin. A bottle of wine I had broke during the flip and when I unbuckled my seat belt, I fell onto the broken glass (van was sideways), which caused me to bleed quite a bit for the next hour. Also cried like a bitch in front of a police officer and a doctor at the hospital after realizing what was happening and what was going to happen later. For the next 2 weeks, I felt like someone had beaten the shit out of me, was covered in bruises but nothing was broken.

Somehow, I didn't go to jail, but still had fines and mandatory drug abuse classes.

>>9881942
I smoke a heavy amount of weed (been smoking since I was 12, smoke about an 1/8 a day unless I've already spent all my paycheck on it), and your life just sounds so appealing. I wish I had the strength to throw my life away and eventually either kill myself or let disease get me early but I just can't get into alcohol like that, I don't enjoy the act as much as smoking. Its a shame really

>>9888004
Work out before smoking weed. Since weed is a habitual addiction you can harness it and it will cause you to crave the workout every time you want to get high. You smoke a lot so you can get ripped, then you probably won't want to die as much.

>>9882081
Michael Richards words ring truer and truer each day

>>9887805
I wish i could go on drunk escapades with jordan peterson

>>9881777
> Be me, just turned 21, on "business trip" to security convention in Las Vegas

> Start drinking at 9am erryday and chainsmoking because I'm in fucking Vegas and have disposable income, several days of drinking + not eating + previously being on a diet means I'm actually pretty skinny by this point and I'm showing it off (I used to be a fatass) by wearing all these tight clothes I bought drunk at the airport

> Wander around in drunken stupor, no idea where I am or where I'm going

> Wander into group of gay guys from every corner of the earth, eating at this fancy ass restaurant, free food amirite? Better than casino buffet, for sure. Don't eat much because my clothes are so tight that any good amount of food would cause a noticeable bulge. Get ogled at because I look younger than my age and I'm barely 21 anyway.

> Somehow end up in this top-floor fancy-ass hotel suite rented by some rich gay guys throwing a huge gay hacker party

> Find myself on a couch next to this drunk Australian guy watching softcore gay porn, listening to some kind of electronic music, and drinking liquors I can't pronounce

> Be in a literal circlejerk in the bathroom with someone I just met

> Puke expensive restaurant food all the way back to my hotel room afterwards

>>9883837
>>9883850
Fucking wimp libshit cunts.
It's good for him to know the limit, what's more the family accompanied him. It is much better than getting intoxicafion in the middle of bumfuck and froze to death alone.

>>9888053
The Aristocrats!

>>9888105

Reference?

>>9888198
its an ancient joke, google it

>>9888201
it is more of an anti-joke, exercise for comedians. It is about the freedom to invent the framework of the joke provides.

>>9888019
Thanks, I got a new basketball for Christmas to try to do pretty close to that. Will it also make it si my high school teacher never took advantage of me?

So, before leading my troops into battle, we would get drunk and drugged up, sacrifice a local teenager, drink the blood, then strip down to our shoes and go into battle wearing colorful wigs and carrying imaginary purses we'd looted from civilians. We'd slaughter anyone we saw, chop their heads off and use them as soccer balls. We were nude, fearless, drunk yet strategic. We killed hundreds of people--so many I lost coun

>>9881942
Smirnoffbro?

>>9881777
I almost crossed the border with Ukraine when trying to get home after being kicked out of a party because I hit the host's sister with a bottle in the head.

>>9881777
Got mamájuana at a dangerous and shady underground strip club in the ghetto with a chick I knew from uni and fucked her in the ass hard and choked her out in the car before I took her back to her dorm.

She was engaged the whole time.

>>9885376
Are you non white by chance?

>>9888976