/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.10570870]

most autistic things you've done?
>me 16
>burn pizza
>bury it in garden so parents won't find out

[Anonymous No.10571205]

actually laughed out loud

[Anonymous No.10571215]

>>10570870
ITS CALLED A GARBAGE CANPUT IT IN THERE ITS EASIER BRAH I NEED A FIVE GUYS BURGER I NNNEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDD IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

[Anonymous No.10571248]

>>10570870
>Anywhere with those little dumdum suckers
>Take a flavor I like
>Bite through it immediately
>Suck the candy on the stick
>Chew the stick
>Eat the unfurling paper from the stick until its gone

[Anonymous No.10571277]

>>10570870
threw tupperware away on accident

[Anonymous No.10571286]

I think this is somewhat common but whenever I have chips and onion dip and I'm almost done the chips I'll just pour the rest into the jar and eat it with a spoon.

Also I like mixing sriracha with peanutbutter on a sandwich

[Anonymous No.10571290]

>in mcdonalds drive through
>order 20 nuggies
>they only give me one cup of honey mustard
>pull back around and park in their lot
>walk into their restroom
>take a shit on the closed toilet seat
>walk out
Sure showed them

[Anonymous No.10571306]

>cooking shells & cheese
>forget while I'm playing ps2 and the pot boils over
>try to throw the macaroni mush in the yard so mom won't find out
>arm hits fence and it splats all over the patio
>mom comes home
>I deny everything

[Anonymous No.10572101]

Drove to 3 different places to make a meal because I didn't like the meals at each place. Ended up spending 6-10 dollars more than a simple burger, fries, and drink combo

[Anonymous No.10572108]

>>10571290
This is normal and acceptable. Fuck them.

[Anonymous No.10572132]

>>10572101
what was the unique drink?

[Anonymous No.10573339]

>>10572132
Red icee

[Anonymous No.10573343]

>>10570870
>be twelve or so
>on vacation in upstate NY
>family orders a bunch of pizza
>there are a lot of leftovers
>wake up at 3 A.M. and eat a few pieces
>half-eat a piece and leave it under the dining room tablecloth
Family still brings it up at every reunion.

[Anonymous No.10573352]

>>10570870
Well?
Did it grow or what? Don't leave us hanging.

[Anonymous No.10573383]

>be fat 10yo in europe
>not allowed to buy fast food
>ride bike to town and buy a bunch of cheesy toast at McDonalds
>get some coin change, throw it to people as im cycling home so my parents wont find out

>fat kid on bike throwing coins to people

[Anonymous No.10573402]

>am on a starvation diet
>friends came over to stay at university
>they brought a cheesecake for themselves
>whilst they're asleep I go to the communal kitchen and "have a slice" of the cake
>continue taking slivers and slivers until whole thing is gone
>ohshit.png
>go back to bed
>next morning they say they'll eat cheesecake for breakfast
>go downstairs and no cheesecake obviously
>lie and say someone in the form must have stolen it

They wrote a passive aggressive note and put it on the communal fridge. Once they left I tore down that note asap

Pic related: the cake in question

[Anonymous No.10573410]

>>10571290
>honey mustard

They were only trying to contain the degeneracy, a pity it didn't work.

[Anonymous No.10573422]

>>10570870
Flushed a chicken leg bone down the toilet so my mother wouldn't yell at me for leaving it in my room all night.

[Anonymous No.10573426]

I would throw food I didn't like outside my window so that parent's wouldn't think that I'm picky.

[Anonymous No.10573428]

>>10571277
On accident or by accident?

[Anonymous No.10573429]

>>10570870
Burn food in pan. Throw the pan away instead of cleaning it.

[Anonymous No.10573437]

>>10573402
>starvation diet
>eat a whole cheesecake
>deny it
typical fatfuck

[Anonymous No.10573719]

>>10570870
>be 14
>scout troop is doing cooking practice
>our group needs to find somewhere to put our dutch oven
>church we meet at doesn't have fire pits so we do it in the parking lot
>coals melt the asphalt and permanently stain it with ash

[Anonymous No.10573750]

I didn't like the pickles in my cheeseburgers when i was little. I threw the pickles at the windows in McDonald's because i saw it on TV

[Anonymous No.10574773]

>>10571248
Fuck, I'm sure 1 in 3 people at least have eaten some lolly stick.

[Anonymous No.10574782]

>>10571205
fpbp

[Anonymous No.10574788]

>order food
>don't like it
>don't want to ask them to fix it because I don't want the workers to be upset with me

[Anonymous No.10574793]

>make a sandwich
>sit down to eat
>take it apart and eat components separately

[Anonymous No.10574800]

>>10570870
No joke this happened to me with popcorn but a day later the dog carried the burnt popcorn chunk into the kitchen

[Anonymous No.10576332]

>>10573428
autistic or autistic?

[Anonymous No.10576369]

>>10573343
hahahahaha

[Anonymous No.10576428]

>>10571286
>I think this is somewhat common but whenever I have chips and onion dip and I'm almost done the chips I'll just pour the rest into the jar and eat it with a spoon.
I do the same

But I make my own dip

[Anonymous No.10576440]

>be me 9
>ask mom to put mustard on top of bread
>thought it was the best shit on earth

[Anonymous No.10576446]

>>10571286
Well I know what I am getting tonight

[Anonymous No.10576454]

>>10570870
Mother was keeping cooking oil in this novelty water bottle with those pullcaps, so she could just squirt a bit without going overboard. It was this bright green alligator we got at the zoo, and it used to contain juice. Me, being the retard I was, saw it sitting in the cabinet, thought "hey, more juice!", and took a big fucking swig of it. The sensation of a large slug of oil going down my throat was fucking awful. 2nd worst thing I've ever drank, next to a guy's tobacco spit bottle I thought was an unfinished beer (since I'd already found 3 or 4).

[Anonymous No.10576462]

>>10570870
I went halves buying weed once when I was like 16-17 but couldn't figure out a fair measurement without a scale so threw some away (don't know why I thought that would help lol), the next day dug threw the trash to find it and then smoked that trash weed.

Not something Im proud of.

[Anonymous No.10576528]

>meet tinder qt at mall
>we browse shops before going to eat
>she buys me a hat and I buy her one
>put hat on
>realize I cannot eat wearing a hat due to stupid autism
>I cannot remove my hat without washing hair due to stupid autism
>FUCK
>we get to restaurant
>she orders food
>I order nothing but drinks and am too embarrassed to explain why
>rest of night is awkward as fuck
>she never calls or messages me again

[Anonymous No.10576570]

>>10576528
why cant you eat with a hat on...

[Anonymous No.10576592]

>>10576528
Lmao what the fuck is wrong with you

[Anonymous No.10576596]

>>10570870
This just made my day.

[Anonymous No.10576618]

>>10576528
I've seen autism. I've seen advanced autism. But this...this is the most autistic thing I have ever read

[Anonymous No.10576622]

>>10576440
Mustard and mayo on freshly baked bread is delicious.

[Anonymous No.10576624]

>>10576618
It's not autism, seems like crippling OCD

[Anonymous No.10576677]

once tried to flush a banan peel down the toilet

[Anonymous No.10576689]

>>10576570
I can feel it there because of the spot above my temples moving while I chew. It's unbearable. Can't take the hat off without a rinse of the hair because I'm very self-conscious of how my hair looks.

[Anonymous No.10576810]

>>10573719
>Dutch oven
Please don't appropriate my culture,thanks.

[Anonymous No.10576830]

One time I threw a pizza in the oven with the cardboard under it. After 40 minutes the top was burnt and the bottom was raw

[Anonymous No.10576841]

>>10576624
t. Doesn't know what autism or OCD is

[Anonymous No.10576843]

I once tried to make grilled cheese in a sideways toaster, but the toaster I had was a trapezoid, so everything fell out.

[Anonymous No.10576848]

>>10570870
>16th birthday party
>parents buy me supreme digiorno pizza
>invite friends over
>undercook pizza; too doughy to be edible
>nobody wants it
>oh well, more for me
>drop the whole thing on the floor
>dogs won't even eat it
>parents yell at me
>friends never come over again
>never have another birthday party
I'm 26

[Anonymous No.10576859]

>>10570870
I almost lost a mouthful of beer over my laptop when I read this.

[Anonymous No.10576863]

>>10576859
I spilled a beer on my MacBook last year. Thought it was broke. Wouldn’t turn on. Left it in my trunk for 6 months. Randomly opened it up the other day and it works fine

[Anonymous No.10576866]

>>10573339

worth driving for, and if you got it at burger king, you were smart to not get any food there

[Anonymous No.10577025]

>>10576841
nah that's pretty damn close to OCD
>superstitious belief that something can't be done because of feeling of hat
>inability to disregard thought
>thought ruins the entire night

[Anonymous No.10577112]

>Be me hungry and lazy
>Have plenty of ingredients to cook something good
>Boil rice
>In a haze of autism throw in a shit ton of different asian sauces
>Every single sauce went bad
>Only realised this after dying on my tolet for 5 hours.

[Anonymous No.10577175]

>Mom makes anise cookies a lot
>Me and brother jokingly call them "anus cookies" because we are very mature
>One day, coworker brings in some cookies with frosting
>Ask what they are
>"Oh, anise cookies!"
>Before I can think say, "Oh, haha, anus cookies."

[Anonymous No.10577181]

>>10570870
>be 19
>home aloen for the first time
>full NEET mode
>mom left me money for food
>too afraid of ordering delivery and answering door so eat whatever is in kitchen
>scavenge pasta, black beans, and tomato sauce
>just throw random spices in pot
>cook
>ok.webm time to eat
>it tastes miserable
>need to get rid of it
>don't want to go outside or see anyone
>remember watching YouTube videos of cool people flushing food down the toilet
>bingo
>flush all of it down the toilet
>try to use toilet, flush
>water leaking from under it
>start panicking
>not going to call maintenance
>try pouring boiling water
>no work
>clean entire bathroom and resolve not to use it
>don't use it for 6 months since in theory it should dissolve
>it did
>nobody ever found out

[Anonymous No.10577189]

>>10570870

>mum tells 5yr old me if I dont like her cooking, make my own
>wait till her and dad are showering
>make ketchup, carrot, bologne sammich
>heck yeah, fuck you mom
>take bite, instantly regret it
>try to feed to dog
>fuckhuge rottweiler that would occasionally bite me
>he dont want it cause its fucking gross
>but it's his
>decide I need to throw the evidence away so mom wont know her son is retarded
>try to grab sandwich
>get bitten
>tell parents dog just doesn't like me to cover for reason

[Anonymous No.10577207]

>>10577025
Na man
>movement of hat bugs him
>doesn't remove hat due to internalized habit related to hats
>unable to explain reasoning due to awkwardness
It helps that I have a touch of the tism so I know how he feels

[Anonymous No.10577208]

>>10570870

[Anonymous No.10577213]

>be me at 12/13years old
>put pizza in micowave oven
>play CoD4
>remember the pizza an hour later when the whole house started to smell like it was burning
Shit was literally a brick by the time I got to it

I also added cumin and oregano to scrambled eggs

[Anonymous No.10577255]

>>10576843
yeah my little brother tried that once and the melted cheese fell on the glowing parts of the toaster and set it on fire.
our whole kitchen is pretty much wood so when I came in I just tossed it out of the window.
parents were mad as fuck lel.

[Anonymous No.10577284]

>>10577181
kek.

[Anonymous No.10577312]

>be like 10
>summer, up at 2AM playing on my playstation or watching Adult Swim for le epic funny grown up cartoons
>gotta pee
>hallway is super dark and scary tho
>lay on my side, on the floor next to the bed
>pee under the mattress

Room had carpet. I'm sure mom found out, but she never mentioned it.

[Anonymous No.10577344]

>>10577189
>ketchup, carrot, bologne sammich

Sounds good, tbqh.

[Anonymous No.10577387]

>Cooking pasta sauce
>Add uncooked pasta to the sauce as per the instructions and cook for 10 minutes
>Turns out horrible

5 years later

>Tell gf at the time
>She says you need to cook pasta in water idiot
>Life changes

[Anonymous No.10577661]

Not so much autism but I used to masturbate by rubbing my penis against shirts and sheets. I'd hide them in a box under my bed. When I moved out I forgot to take them with me and my mom found them. They were more cum than fabric at that point.

[Anonymous No.10577675]

>>10576528
>illogical rituals
nigger you have ocd

[Anonymous No.10577867]

>>10577661

>Not so much autism

[Anonymous No.10577931]

>>10576689
Holy shit anon I think I understand this feel.
Whenever I go a while without wearing my glasses and put them back on again I avoid eating until I re-acclimate for that exact reason, just feels uncomfortable because of the jaw motion.
I have autism too.

[Anonymous No.10577945]

>>10577661
>Mom unearths the spunk sepulcher

[Anonymous No.10578030]

>be me
>be 13~
>start boiling eggs
>forget about them
>some time later hear a loud noise
>eggs exploded
>2 on the ceiling, 1 stuck to the bottom of the pot and 1 on the couch in the other room

[Anonymous No.10578052]

>>10573402
Elaine?

[Anonymous No.10578062]

>>10577189
This would have been funnier if the dog had to be put down due to your 5 year old autism

[Anonymous No.10578091]

>>10577181
>home alone for the first time at 19

[Anonymous No.10578095]

>>10577189
>>fuckhuge rottweiler that would occasionally bite me
I want to beat the shit out of your parents.

[Anonymous No.10578097]

>be around 15/16
>Sleeping and dreaming
>A green field covered with toilets.
>Itsatrap dot jay peg
>Wake up with pee on my bed
> Mum asks me whether if it's pee or... something else
>"What the fuck mum? There is way too much for it to be... That. It's clearly pee"
>"It's ok anon, you are getting older and these things are normal. I will buy you a box of tissues today"
Never mentioned this again.
It was pee all along. I hope my mother believed me

[Anonymous No.10578122]

>>10578097
that was just your mom being autistic tbqh

[Anonymous No.10578137]

>>10570870
>7 years old
>decide i'm going to make dinner for the first time
>mother is in the lounge and father is out at work
>sneakily enter kitchen, do some retarded ass looney tunes sneak motion
>pic related
>grab a pot and throw raw eggs and spices in it, some uncooked chicken as well
>slam my fist in it repeatedly so it mixes
>hear dad arrive home from work
>hear mom get up from couch
>ohfuck.jpg
>start punching it faster and faster to get it ready so i can sprint back into my room with it and chow down
>in fucking synch, dad enters the kitchen at the same time mom does
>idea
>remember seeing batman on tv throw objects at the bad guys as a distraction so he can escape
>fuck yeah i'll do that
>grab a handful of the monstrosity in the pot, pelt it at my dads face
>turn around and catapult some cutlery at my mom
>start moving my little legs as fast as they can go
>hear stomping behind me, dad's yelling
>shit myself on the spot
>shit runs down from leg onto the floor
>got grounded for a month
my sister punched me in the face when she found out what happened

[Anonymous No.10578139]

>>10578097
She wanted to fug

[Anonymous No.10578148]

>>10578137
How old was she?

[Anonymous No.10578167]

>>10578122
What kind of non autistic person peeis their bed at 15?
It's normal she thought that it's more possible that it's just an ejaculation gone wrong

[Anonymous No.10578196]

>>10578148
13

[Anonymous No.10578207]

>>10570870
>me 16
>up late at night so I pee in a bottle so my parents won't notice me being up so late
>hide bottle in drawer
>mom comes in with fresh clothes in the morning and finds the bottle
>thinks it's hidden alcohol
>go along with it as it seemed less weird
>she pours it out in the sink
>notices the piss smell
>awkward talk ensued

[Anonymous No.10578334]

not really me being the autist but
>mom keeps making bad food
>tell her ill do dinner one day
>laughs and says go ahead, hoping id fail
>it turns out great nd everyone loves it
>she gets pissed and says I should cook now cus apparently she sucks
>2 years later im still stuck making dinner and breakfast for my family

Fuck you mom

[Anonymous No.10578359]

>>10573383
Are you still fat?

[Anonymous No.10578363]

>>10576332
nigger or nigger?

[Anonymous No.10578367]

>>10578052
Jenny?

[Anonymous No.10578377]

>>10573429
I've done this with moldy cups/glasses /mugs... Plastic, porcelain, and glass.

[Anonymous No.10578387]

>>10570870
did they find it the eayr after when they tilled the soil?

[Anonymous No.10578436]

>>10576528
Haha fucking retard, she dodged a bullet there.

[Anonymous No.10578461]

>>10573402
Easily the worst person ITT

[Anonymous No.10578834]

My brother would put ketchup in his Sprite.

[Anonymous No.10578848]

>>10578387
yeah but instead of moldy pizza it was his cp collection

[Anonymous No.10578872]

>>10570870
>be me
>20
>useless NEET for whole life
>know shit about cooking
>move to the city
>learn basics from watching my housemates
>have house to myself one day
>go to fry up a burger
>oven hub turned up to the last
>I leave to take a shit
>sitting on the toilet for about 10 minutes
>get out of the bathroom
>frying pan is on fire
>I pick it up and it burns my fingers
>it falls to the floor
>beat the flames down with a wet towel
>bought floor mats to hide the big hole burned into the floor

[Anonymous No.10578893]

>>10578872

i thought you were going to walk the dinosaur

[Anonymous No.10579198]

>>10576454
>guy's tobacco spit bottle I thought was an unfinished beer (since I'd already found 3 or 4)
>drink 3 or 4 beer
>drink the spit of a guy

basedboy

[Anonymous No.10579266]

>>10570870
>Used to stay up until 7 am during the summers in middle school watching tv and surfing the 'net
>Would make these horrendous abortions during like 4 am for dinner, like roach eatan spaghetti with the tomato sauce your supposed to make salsa or chili with or shit out of the trash
>Feel like eating corn in a cup one day, empty several years old can of corn into bowl and mix with some random red spice that had to be a minimum of 4 years old along with old ass mayonnaise
It was one of the worst things I ever ate desu.

[Anonymous No.10579369]

>>10570870
Laughed out loud

[Anonymous No.10579381]

>>10571290
You know only psychopaths do this right?

[Anonymous No.10579393]

>was 7 years old
>got tired of eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
>used to hide them under the dresser
>mom ended up finding like 20 of them under there

:S

[Anonymous No.10579405]

I pooped in the bath sink for my parents to find the turd there. It just popped into my mind I have suppressed this memory all these years

[Anonymous No.10579424]

>>10571286
you just changed my life, like the family guy scene "a dry sponge is a happy sponge"

[Anonymous No.10579446]

>>10578367
Beorge?

[Anonymous No.10579460]

>>10576462
that trash weed sounds delicious bro xD

[Anonymous No.10579466]

>>10579460
DUDE WEED LMAO XXXDDD
100 100 XD

[Anonymous No.10579478]

>>10576462
Typical druggie degenerate.

[Anonymous No.10579483]

>make a delicious chicken breast in reduced chicken broth with an assload of different spices and peppers
>everyone loves it
>now I can only be truly happy cooking if I first sear it in a cast iron skillet and then bake it to perfection for anything I cook

[Anonymous No.10579490]

>>10576848

[Anonymous No.10579500]

>>10579483
>9gag watermark

[Anonymous No.10579512]

I once walked out of a restaurant after being seated because the price were too damn high, with a chick

[Anonymous No.10579514]

>>10570870
>12 years old
>went on an exchange trip to Germany
>staying with German guy same age
>don't like the gay kraut food his parents make
>hide it in my backpack and pretend I've eaten it

Needless to say they found the load of moulding food when the smell started to get too much. I can't imagine how relieved they were when I finally went home.

[Anonymous No.10579521]

>>10576454
I did that once but didn't swallow,i noticed the taste before then. It was dark oil in a coke bottle, idk who thought that was a good idea

[Anonymous No.10579525]

>>10578196
Was she hot?

[Anonymous No.10579617]

>>10578207

[Anonymous No.10579618]

>be me. 12.
>buy lollipop. while walking home start unwrapping it and forget what I was doing.
>put lollipop in mouth. half-wrapped wrapper comes off. accidentally fucking swallow it.
>drop lollipop on sidewalk in panick and run home.
>2 days later.
>take a dump. see the wrapper lodged in my log.
>flush and start laughing while coming out of the toilet.
>mom asks why I’m laughing.
>umm.gif
>panic.jpeg
>shout “LOLLIPOP” and run into room.
>didn’t tell my mom to this day.

[Anonymous No.10579622]

Soyboy
Soy

[Anonymous No.10579652]

>>10578137
Jfc, I'm fucking done.

[Anonymous No.10579680]

>retarded teenager me, never cooked anything before
>parents are out and won't be back for a few hours
>hungry
>look in freezer, birds eye fish fingers and this frozen microwavable rice packet thing
>ok shouldn't be too hard
>have no idea how to work the oven or the microwave (yes, i know i'm a fucking retard)
>get the fish fingers into the oven and figure out how to work it
>cant for the love of god figure out how the microwave works
>minutes go by and the fish fingers are done, still cant turn the fucking microwave on
>my autism dictates that i can't eat the fish fingers now because my rice isnt ready
>panic and try everything on the microwave
>nothing
>the fish fingers are now burnt and the rice is still frozen/defrosting
>fuck it i'll just eat it like this
>it's godawful, manage to stomach the fish fingers but after a few mouthfuls of frozen rice and vegetables i've had enough
>parents will be back soon and i would die of embarrassment if they found out i was too retarded to operate a fucking microwave of all things, need to dispose of the evidence
>wrap all the rice and shit into a plastic bag, run down to the end of the back garden and throw it over the fence into the neighbours garden
>it's behind their shed
>still there to this day

[Anonymous No.10579710]

>>10579680
I bet the rice has thawed by now

[Anonymous No.10579820]

>>10579405
Around 5 years old, I took a GIANT shit in the tub. I ran to my mom and said the dog did it. He was an elderly dachshund. Mom asked how the dog got in the tub. I said, “I dunno. He probably climbed up on the toilet and jumped into the tub and then jumped back out.” She looked at me like I was fucking crazy. When dad came home, he beat the fuck out of me. Good memory.

[Anonymous No.10579828]

>Didn't realize that the red wax outside nicer cheeses twas supposed to be taken off.
>Used to eat cheese like that all the time.
>"Anon, you are not supposed to eat it like that"

I felt like the biggest dumbass after that.

[Anonymous No.10579849]

>>10577661
Did this to the bed. I bled

[Anonymous No.10579851]

>>10570870
Not food related but it reminds me of this.

>riding home from scout camp on a van full of unwashed middle schoolers
>stomach killing me
>try to ease out a sneaky li'l fart but the situation gets out of control
>straight up sharted myself with over an hour left in the trip
>try to stay calm, horrified that someone is going to find out
>get back to town, one of my parents pick me up and it takes about 20 more minutes to get home
>turns out my parents are having guests over that day
>executing hardmode.exe
>give quick acknowledgement to the houseguests and book it upstairs
>hide my sharted briefs until I can smuggle them past my parents
>bury them in the woods out back and hope they'll stay hidden through the ages like some kind of unholy Necronomicon

[Anonymous No.10579902]

>>10579851
Once i sharted in an airport before my flight departed and i cut up the underwear with a plastic knife and flushed it. I was like 9.

[Anonymous No.10579964]

>>10571248
...I'm not alone

[Anonymous No.10580012]

>>10579710
Made me smile/10

[Anonymous No.10580055]

>>10577181
so you were left alone for 6 months?
are you ok?

[Anonymous No.10580092]

>>10579964
>>10571248
everyone does this

[Anonymous No.10580104]

>>10579828
to be fair if you mean you were eating a Babybel or some shit (which is not "nicer cheese") the waxy outside is meant to simulate the actual hard outer covering that develops on soft cheeses that aren't sealed in something

[Anonymous No.10580123]

Sometimes when I’m finished with a carton of ice cream I’ll put the spoon I used to eat the ice cream in the carton, shut it, and then throw away the empty carton with the spoon inside. It gives me a sense of satisfaction in a way I can’t explain. When I was growing up my parents would always wonder how we were losing spoons, I was throwing them away for fun.

[Anonymous No.10580138]

I used to break these open and only eat the filled ones, keeping the empty ones in a bag under my bed. My dad found the nearly filled bag and made me eat them out of a mixing bowl until I puked.

[Anonymous No.10580150]

>only needed egg yolks for a recipe
>stupidly threw the whites down the sink and clogged it up a bit

[Anonymous No.10580161]

>>10576528
I used to have weird ocd tendencies like this (like not being able to poop while wearing a shirt), but I became an alcoholic and all that shit went away

[Anonymous No.10580216]

>>10580161
>not being able to poop while wearing a shirt

[Anonymous No.10580226]

>>10580216
not the guy you're replying to but I had thst too for s good long ehile. I still feel uncomfortsble dhitting with a shirt on but I can do it now.

[Anonymous No.10580233]

>>10580226
Did you have a fucking stroke while typing this?

[Anonymous No.10580244]

>>10579446
Bane?

[Anonymous No.10580269]

>>10580233
na just a bit tipsy my dude

[Anonymous No.10580275]

>>10580226
>>10580216
>>10580161
My grandfather was a WW2 vet, worked on the SR71 Blackbird and was one of the greatest men I've ever met. But 20 years ago (i was 5 or 6) I saw him walking out of the bathroom with the back of his shirt covered in shit, and he went to my grandmother to help him take it off. After seeing it, it was about 15 years before I was able to poop with a shirt on, and even now I shit completely nude when I can.

[Anonymous No.10580283]

>>10580275
It's tough as hell watching a great man grow old and feeble, anon. I feel you :(

[Anonymous No.10580332]

>come home from school
>2 slices of pizza in fridge
>i just wanted 1
>pulls out plate
>drops one slice
>shit.mp4
>throws it out in backyard
>cooks other slice
>hour later mom comes home
>lets dog out
>he eats the entire fucking slice

>god damn

>shits everywhere

[Anonymous No.10580417]

>>10580138
fuck your dad honestly

[Anonymous No.10580426]

>>10580275
Lol, did he get alzheimers and die broke in a medicaid nursing home with Tyrone as the night janitor? The way we treat our aged will ultimately have to be addressed with sensibility. Boomers are too numerous and have about enough savings to last 3 years in a private nursing home.

[Anonymous No.10580433]

>>10571290
Wow sure shown the cleaning staff who had nothing to do with your order

[Anonymous No.10580438]

>>10580426
Boomers are at fault for things anon but they aren't literally satan's spawn chill.

[Anonymous No.10580440]

>>10573343
Do they know it was you, or is it a case of the Half-Pizza Bandit?

[Anonymous No.10580450]

>>10580244
aye

[Anonymous No.10580459]

>>10580269
Oh, fair enough. I'm also an alcoholic

[Anonymous No.10580463]

>>10576528
I'm guessing you watched Gay sex with hats on a few too many times

[Anonymous No.10580490]

>home alone when I was 19
>watch a movie so I wanted to make some microwave popcorn
>don't have normal ones anymore just one pack of caramel popcorn that has been lying there for 5+ years
>never had caramel popcorn before but thinking whatever, should be fine
>put it in there for way too long
>eventually hear the bing of the microwave
>go down to the kitchen
>smoke fucking everywhere
>popcorn exploded in the microwave, the entire thing was covered with burnt caramel
>entire house smells like burnt caramel and smoke
>FUCK
>open all the windows over night so the smell goes away
>wake up the next day around 1pm
>go down
>entire fucking house is full of flies and bugs that came in through the windows
>spend the rest of the day killing flies

On the plus side, I was wearing a headband and was pretending to be Rambo so that was kinda fun

[Anonymous No.10580511]

>>10580490

god damn, this nigga turned his house into a jungle and he turned into rambo

[Anonymous No.10580530]

>visiting relatives
>alone in da house and hungry
>they only have frozen pizza
>noice.jpeg
>don't know how to operate their oven
>let's use the microwave instead
>didn't defrost
>hard time cutting it in half to fit inside
>put 5 min
>i doesn't even heat
>go watch porn
>put another 5 min
>back to porn
>smokey smell on the air
>burned the top completely while the middle was still frozen
>pick it up and throw it in the middle of the street
>put other half in and runs for only 5 min
>eat it cold while crying
>family get home
>wow anon you ate the whole pizza ?
>y-yeah

[Anonymous No.10580536]

>>10570870
Alright lads here the tale of my magical pee pee puddle.
>be 9
>Had a giant phobia of the dark as a kid
>closest toilet to my bedroom is across a dark hallway with no light
>too scared to even walk into the hallway
>but I need to pee
>so without any options I simply pee on the floor
>I feel so relived
>I feel so safe
>For the next two months every time I need to pee I simply pee on my magical pee pee area
>I put the blame on my dog when my mum finds it
>for peeing in the same spot everynight
>for making a giant puddle that is simply too big for my dog to actually produce
>Its obvious its me
the incident has never been mentioned in conversation
I'm now 26

[Anonymous No.10580551]

>>10580536
Christ I hope my kids aren't this weird.

[Anonymous No.10580607]

>>10570870
>Be 14
>Drink a bottle and a half of pic related
>The day after I can't even move
>My back feels bad, thinking my kidneys are dead
>Eventually manage to get up and go pee
>It's fucking brown
>Never drink pastis again
Ah, to be young again...

[Anonymous No.10580683]

>>10580216
I poop naked, I only poop with clothes when Ii'm not at home.

[Anonymous No.10580714]

>be 10 year old retarded yurocuck
>at dining table with lots of family members
>go to the toilet with some biscuits
>chew the biscuits up until they turn into a ball of mush
>throw the mush on the ceiling above the toilet for absolutely no reason
>grandpa finds out and thinks it's shit
>grandpa yells at me
>finds out it's biscuits and laughs
my family still brings it up every once in a while

[Anonymous No.10580754]

>>10580216
>not pooping naked

[Anonymous No.10580774]

>>10571248
>Take a dumdum
>Peel off the wrapper
>Pop it in my mouth
>Wedge it between my front teeth and front bottom teeth
>Yank the candy off the stick like a pin and toss away the stick like a grenade
>Enjoy my circle shaped jolly rancher

[Anonymous No.10581055]

>>10571306
don't do other stuff while cooking, it would burn your house down one day

[Anonymous No.10581063]

>>10578359
you are on /ck/ so

[Anonymous No.10581074]

>be a kid with no self control
>parents bake brownies and I'm only allowed one piece after school
>theres 6 pieces left and I eat them all
>tell parents the cats ate them
>tfw they still talk about it 20 years later everytime we get together
Fuck you guys

[Anonymous No.10581077]

>>10576454
>>10579521
lol at these fatties

[Anonymous No.10581086]

>>10570870
cookie dough with too little oil before i had any idea about baking. kept adding sugar, water, and flour ro "fix it" without replacing eggs, levener, ect. didn't let it rest either. ended up taking the cookies to the fire pit where the failed to burn completely because of the high moisture and a fuckton of ants set up shop

[Anonymous No.10581116]

>>10576848
>I'm 26
imagine 60 more years without having any birthday celebrated

[Anonymous No.10581143]

>be me in college
>Rice everyday, no seasoning
>Put rice in slow cooker and come back at night hungry af
>Half rice turned to wet mush, Other half absorbed no water
> forcefully ate crunchy rice mush for dinner

[Anonymous No.10581209]

>>10579828
i did this but with sausages instead

[Anonymous No.10581290]

>be in college
>drinking with friends
>put pizza in oven
>promptly forget about it
>pass out
>wake up to burning smell
>small black charcoal disc in oven
>no fire, no alarm
>turn off oven and go back to sleep
>wake up in the morning
>roommate asks about pizza
>start throwing it like a frisbee
>go to fire escape to launch charcoal disc into nearby woods
>thing is aerodynamic
>catches a breeze and changes course towards parking lot
>shatters on a truck window
>window didn’t fare much better
>investigated by campus police later that day
>deny everything

[Anonymous No.10581360]

>>10580551
the dark's fuckin scary man

[Anonymous No.10581365]

>>10570870
what the fuck am I reading

[Anonymous No.10581366]

>>10581086
nature's janitors

[Anonymous No.10581397]

>>10570870
>never had anchovies on pizza before
>how bad could it be?
>its horrible
>tried scraping off the fish flavor
>didnt work
>tried drowning the pizza in hot sauce to mask the flavor
>didnt work
>did the same thing with sardines later

[Anonymous No.10581413]

>>10579512
should've check on internet before tbqh

[Anonymous No.10581414]

>>10580607
Holy fucking shit how tall/heavy were you? I would've died

[Anonymous No.10581610]

>>10576462
How do you buy half a marijuana?

[Anonymous No.10581617]

>>10576528
Did your uncle diddle you at the dinner table while you had a hat on?

[Anonymous No.10581676]

>>10577189
You interrupted your parents' shower fuck because you made shitty food and then blamed the dog? Go fuck yourself, child Anon.

[Anonymous No.10581686]

>>10581209
Anon...I did this as well. And recently too, although it was hard to tell that there was a thin paper layer on what I ate.

[Anonymous No.10581875]

>lived alone for about ten years
>bachelor slobbishness commences
>when eating always grab a fork from the drawer
>always end up eating solid foods with my hands because who cares
>toss fork in sink despite not being used
>mfw I have washed hundreds if not thousands of clean forks over the years

[Anonymous No.10581909]

>>10581875
>>bachelor slobbishness
>>I have washed dishes

[Anonymous No.10581935]

>>10576830
How?

[Anonymous No.10581990]

>>10573343
where in upstate?

[Anonymous No.10582008]

>>10573343
Pizza Jester

[Anonymous No.10582025]

>>10581397
why the hell do people eat anchovy pizza?

[Anonymous No.10582458]

>>10579618
This is the most autistic thing I've ever read.

[Anonymous No.10582510]

>>10581074
No wonder they only allowed you one piece fatty

[Anonymous No.10582619]

>>10581909
>>

[Anonymous No.10582675]

>>10579381
>implying that there's anything wrong with showing wagies their place

[Anonymous No.10582804]

>>10581414
182cm 75kg at the time, so neither tall nor heavy for /ck/ standards

[Anonymous No.10582809]

>>10578091
Not him but not as unusual as you might think. Most of our family lived in town or nearby so there was rarely a reason for my parents to leave overnight. I think I was 18 when they first left me home alone.

[Anonymous No.10582826]

>>10570870
Here's something that triggered some people a while ago.

>Be me, from ages 16-20
>Mom always bought El Monterey burritos/chimichangas
>For some reason, developed a strange way of eating them
>First, peeled the shells open and let them cool a bit
>Ate the fillings with a fork while leaving the shells intact
>Filled the shells with sour cream
>Picked them up with my hand and ate them

It doesn't even occur to me to do this anymore, but it was a near-daily thing back then.

[Anonymous No.10582837]

>>10580511
>>>twitter
>>>facebook

[Anonymous No.10582855]

>Was a really picky eater until about 14
>Parents still act like I'm afraid of vegetables or something
>Everytime we go to a restaurant and I'm offered a soup or salad they always go "Oh anon be careful! don't eat anything green!
>Been eating salad for years just prefer soup

[Anonymous No.10582880]

>>10573402
I hope you didn't lie to people and say your diet didn't work.

[Anonymous No.10582895]

>>10580161
Interesting. I too became an alcoholic and most of the weird obsessive habits went away.

[Anonymous No.10582906]

>>10577312
I peed out the window once.

[Anonymous No.10582912]

>>10570870
>be 10
>road trip
>still in car at 1am because traffic jam
>take chewing gum to cure boredom
>eat the gum strip, with the aluminium foil and paper
>too tired eat a new one instead
>chew on it for an hour to the point of equal consistency of gum, pulp and fine aluminium foil bits
>reach hotel
>go to hotel bathroom
>spit out gum
>mfw the whole thing was silver
>mfw my tongue was silver from the aluminium foil bits
>brushed my tongue thrice to get 95% of it off

[Anonymous No.10582936]

I used to suck the red part off of hot tamales and spit out the nasty gummy insides.

Don't ask me why I don't just buy red hots. It's not the same.

I also used to ask for extra maraschino cherries for my dr pepper as a kid. Like fuck that shit up witb cherries please ms. waitress.

[Anonymous No.10582942]

>>10581909
>>10581875
I buy plastic silverwear, red plastic cups, and paper plates so that I don't have to do dishes. The dishwasher at my first apartment didn't work well and my second one had a bunch of rust in it. I was so used to the disposable life that I didn't complain. I'm eating off of real plates for the first time in years because I have a functional dishwasher.

[Anonymous No.10582955]

>>10573719
Isn't a Dutch oven a place you go to shit?

[Anonymous No.10582991]

>>10571290
but now your tendies are cold

[Anonymous No.10582994]

>>10582955
It's a fucking cast iron pot

[Anonymous No.10582999]

>>10576528
she sure dodged a bullet there

[Anonymous No.10583000]

>>10574793
> Mom insists on open sandwhiches with bizarre ingredients (Pepper slices, iceberg lettuce, pickles)
> Gets mad when I eat it part by part

[Anonymous No.10583033]

>>10581209
Me too, once I moved abroad. In my home country, Finland, sausages are quite a different breed.

[Anonymous No.10583113]

>>10576528
How do you even develop autism this severe

[Anonymous No.10583180]

>Get invited to a marijuana party
>1st time using marijuana
>Didn't want to get AIDS
>Brought my own pot needles

[Anonymous No.10583205]

>>10570870
I've always had urges specifically to piss in places I shouldn't. I can resist it now, but when I was young I pissed into the bathroom trashcan and sink a few times. I think I did it in the kitchen sink at one point too. I did this for like two months before my parents really had a talk with me about it.

[Anonymous No.10583288]

>>10576528
Can you have gay sex?

[Anonymous No.10583303]

>>10583180
Can Superman get high? He doesn't seem to need to breathe at all. I wonder what he actually absorbs when he does it manually. Like you're doing now.

[Anonymous No.10583329]

>be 10
>stay with grandparent because parents divorce
>grandma is already senile and short-tempered
>cooks burger patties
>they taste fucking sour
>have to eat 2 patties otherwise she'd get mad

>next day notice the red beet salad is moldy
>inform her about the white fuzzy flakes on it
>she screams at me for being ungrateful and throws the bowl in the sink, shattering it with beet all over the counter

>few days later she cooks soup with a side of moldy bread
>say nothing this time
>grandpa notices the mold after a few bites, also says nothing and later on secretly throws the bread away

>have to flush rancid watermelon pieces down the toilet in the middle of the night, so I wouldn't have to eat it
>get screamed at for peeling hard boiled eggs wrong
>get screamed at if i don't feel hungry
>have to help her pluck her chin hairs with a tweezer
>my dad got sole custody of me and the day I finally could go back to him grandma screamed at me for being happy.

told my dad about this as well as my aunt, explaining why i dont really wanna visit them anymore and they just shrugged it off or say I have to accept her behavior, she is sick.

[Anonymous No.10583331]

>>10583329

I'm 26 now btw and I still get flashbacks

[Anonymous No.10583337]

>>10576528
Incredible, this might be /ck the post.

[Anonymous No.10583348]

>>10577189
top kek anon, thx for sharing

[Anonymous No.10583372]

>>10583329
Make her something shitty and then guilt trip her when she doesn't like it. Fuck old people, old enough to know better, you're supposed to be a god damn role model, a guide

[Anonymous No.10583379]

>citric acids from fruits make my mouth painfully burn
>eat it anyway because otherwise I wouldn't eat anything healthy
>milk gives me stomach pain and a hard time on the toilet
>drink it anyway
Why am I doing this to myself

[Anonymous No.10583383]

>>10580774
I do this as well except I take two mystery ones because I'm a gambling addict

[Anonymous No.10583389]

>>10580511
you admin a facebook meme group don't you faggot

[Anonymous No.10583420]

>>10583389
sounds like being a drumpflet but ok

[Anonymous No.10583425]

>>10583420
(You)

[Anonymous No.10583429]

>>10582804
182 cm is pretty tall

t. 92 cm skinnyfat homo

[Anonymous No.10583433]

>>10582912
why :'(

[Anonymous No.10583437]

>>10578207
>>10578097
>>10577312
>be me
>17
>were out the night drinking some beer
>wake up
>im not in bed, im standing infront of it
>Shirt wraped arround my dick, im peeing
>wtf i cant stop, the kind of pee you CANT interrupt
>grab another shirt, try to contain the mess
>rub the wet floor with another shirt
>overall, 3 shirts are stained
>hide them in bottom of closet, go back to bed

>the next day, wait for mom to leave the house (it was Saturday)
>take shirts into shower, spray them with water and wind them out
>dry with hair dryer on floor
>put them in the laundry

im not sure if anyone ever found out, still wearing the shirts some times

[Anonymous No.10583488]

>be like 4 or 5 year old
>eating spaghetti with mom
>phone rings and she goes answer it
>for whatever reason decide to stuff the toaster full of spaghetti
>mom luckily returns before I manage to turn it on

[Anonymous No.10583503]

>>10571290
We're talking about autistic things.
What you did was perfectly normal and expected.

[Anonymous No.10583513]

>>10583329
>>10583331
I'm really sorry anon...

[Anonymous No.10583517]

>>10583303
He can if it's grown next to kryptonite.

[Anonymous No.10583519]

>>10583420
haha yeah definitely. What the shit is a drumflet tho?

[Anonymous No.10583523]

>>10583488
>for whatever reason decide to stuff the toaster full of spaghetti
>>mom luckily returns before I manage to turn it on

[Anonymous No.10583524]

>>10573402
Oy mate where your cheesecake loicense eh?

[Anonymous No.10583531]

>>10576454
I gagged

[Anonymous No.10583539]

>>10583524
cringe

[Anonymous No.10583545]

>>10583329
My grandma also had fowl food and got mad when I didn't eat enough
Is this a common thing?

[Anonymous No.10583575]

>>10583545
old people are gay

[Anonymous No.10583587]

>>10583539
(You)

[Anonymous No.10583598]

>>10571290
>always has a revenge shit loaded in the chamber

[Anonymous No.10583601]

>>10570870
>most autistic things you've done?
I've always practiced the ulillillia prep method even as a child. I even applied it to french fries, chicken, etc. Boiled ground beef and double rinsed it before making chili.

[Anonymous No.10583607]

>>10573402
>they bought a cheesecake to eat in front of their fasting friend
You must have bonded with them over being fucking horrible people.

[Anonymous No.10583620]

>>10577189
>have 5 year old child
>buy aggressive rottweiler to bite child at random
>leave child unsupervised to plow husband in shower
Don't give that slut flowers this Sunday.

[Anonymous No.10583622]

>be me
>16
>really like cooking, really bad at it
>decide to make a tuna dish
>sounded simple enough, but a bit challenging
>it goes to shit real quick
>the final product ends up a violation of the laws of God and men
>parents in the living room, kitchen is thankfully separated from it
>in a desperate attemptto hide it, cool the thing down with water, drain it holding it in my hands, grab a condom from my wallet and stuff it with the now cold and soggy tuna mess
>hide it on school bag, take it to my room, go back down
>lie to parents about how good it was and how I ate it all in the kitchen
>forget about tuna condom
>next day it tears inside my bag during first period
>after class had started
>throw it in the school dumps during recess
>tell parents my bag had been robbed

I'm 20 now. I still cook sometimes.

[Anonymous No.10583638]

>>10577181
You can call this thread Pizza Hut because it truly delivers.

>>10577189
>>try to feed to dog
>>fuckhuge rottweiler that would occasionally bite me
>>he dont want it cause its fucking gross
>>but it's his
>>decide I need to throw the evidence away so mom wont know her son is retarded
>>try to grab sandwich
>>get bitten
>>tell parents dog just doesn't like me to cover for reason
See pic related, it's you.

[Anonymous No.10583640]

>>10583601
the what prep method

[Anonymous No.10583641]

>>10583640
https://encyclopediadramatica.rs/Ulillillia#Eating_Habits

[Anonymous No.10583642]

>>10576454
oh god I have done this exact thing with the oil in a juice bottle with family members sleeping nearby

woke them all up spluttering, I gagged when recalling it just then

[Anonymous No.10583664]

>>10578137
I cannot express my laughter enough.

[Anonymous No.10583699]

>>10578137
>remember seeing batman on tv throw objects at the bad guys as a distraction so he can escape

[Anonymous No.10583716]

>>10580138
>I used to break these open and only eat the filled ones, keeping the empty ones in a bag under my bed. My dad found the nearly filled bag and made me eat them out of a mixing bowl until I puked.

That's kind of a harsh overreaction to some weird autism that I assume could have been solved by just asking you not to do that anymore.

[Anonymous No.10583720]

>>10580683
I never poop when I'm not home.
I won't even sit on a toilet that isn't mine.
When I do poop I try to immediately take a shower afterward because I never really feel clean post-bowel movement regardless of the amount of toilet paper I use. When it's not convenient I literally strip my clothes and get in the shower and spider climb the tub walls like pic related over the shower faucet to act as a bidet to wash myself and then put my pants back on.

[Anonymous No.10583740]

>>10583113
It's just actual autism, not meme autism

[Anonymous No.10583795]

>>10581397
I don't understand how people don't like anchovies on pizza. The only flavor to them is saltiness. Goes perfectly with most pizza toppings

[Anonymous No.10583824]

>>10583620
I got mauled when I was a kid by a friend's parent's rottweiler. They are as bad as pitbulls and need to be killed

[Anonymous No.10583833]

>>10578436
>>10582999
Fuck you fags, bet you can't get anyone to message you on tinder.

[Anonymous No.10583849]

>>10583716
>Ask a child not to do something
>They comply

What fantasy world is this

[Anonymous No.10583853]

>>10583720
Soo...you don't eat ass?

[Anonymous No.10583869]

>>10583524
It's the Brits that do the license thing. You're thinking of australians.

[Anonymous No.10583873]

>>10583329
Why the fuck did she have so much rotting food?

[Anonymous No.10583884]

>>10581290
Don't know why I laughed so hard.

[Anonymous No.10583922]

Not me but this is shit my best friend does.
>Have food in fridge
>Never fucking finish anything entirely
>Never clean leftovers out of fridge
>Fridge constantly full of Tupperware housing rotting masses of mold and fungi
Looks like a fucking science experiment
>Smell is horrible even with the door closed
>wonders why he is constantly getting sick or why women never want to come over.
>Wonders why I never accept any food

[Anonymous No.10583937]

who are y'all be quoting

[Anonymous No.10584060]

>>10583873
Probably because she's senile. Also, depending on just how old she is, she might have lived through an ETA when she was really young where she was taught to not waste food.

[Anonymous No.10584065]

>>10578030
I did this a week ago
I'm 28

[Anonymous No.10584130]

>>10579851
>>10579902
>went to go see infinity war with 2 friends
>went to go piss.
>fart while pissing and turns out to be a shart
>can feel warm shit run down leg
>panick
>take shoes off and take pants off. shit stains on different parts on pants
>no toilet paper desu
>bathroom full of people cause another movie just finished, hear people laughing
>naked waist down, what do
>stick underwear in empty toilet paper holder
>use used tissue laying around to wipe myself/leg
>put pants and shoes back on, go back to movie but dont want to sit next to friends again cause i was afraid i smelled like shit
>stand in the back for the rest of the movie
>meet up with friends outside
>fake a phone call and leave immediately.
>had to take train for an hour home
had a hard cry when i got home.

[Anonymous No.10584138]

>>10584130
how do you actually shart? are you like 430lbs, food poisoning or something

i havent sharted since i was 13 and had the flu

[Anonymous No.10584149]

>>10584138
im 26, 6'2 about 200ibs. I have ibs so farts are always a gamble. It feels like a fart till its not.

[Anonymous No.10584164]

>>10584149
>farts are ever a gamble
>you ever fart while pissing

just sit down to piss dude. holy shit.

[Anonymous No.10584181]

>be like 10 years old
>didn't like eating vegetables
>aunt taught me a trick to swallow them with drinks like orange juice
>get sick of this one day
>my dumb ass decides to hide my peas behind my parents pillow
>when they go to bed they find the peas
>get called out
they still bring it up

[Anonymous No.10584185]

>>10584181
>aunt taught you to choke yourself

did you ever tell your parents this? id have fucking given her a black eye

[Anonymous No.10584209]

>>10584185
i didn't just straight up swallow them i would chew them the juice was just to make it taste better

[Anonymous No.10584213]

>>10584209
but orange juice + vegetables in your mouth at once tastes incredibly horrible like ten times worse

[Anonymous No.10584235]

>>10584213
idk man for 10 year old me it made it more bearable

[Anonymous No.10584708]

>be 9 years old
>at cousin's house, and the adults are drinking fernet with coke, I'm drinkiny regular coke
>see a cup on the table, think its coke
>take a gulp and immediately spit it back into the cup because it tastes disgusting
>put the cup back

Sometimes I wonder if someone ever ended up drinking it

[Anonymous No.10584751]

>>10573402
they know it was you, fatfuck

[Anonymous No.10584827]

>>10583379
Brush your teeth and floss more
Take lactaid if having milk

[Anonymous No.10584829]

>>10578137
this is gold

[Anonymous No.10584839]

>>10584708
It probably helped cut the flavor of nasty fernet

[Anonymous No.10584909]

>>10583429
>92cm
nigger, you are not 3 feet tall. stop lying

[Anonymous No.10584914]

>this thread makes me feel a lot better
> trying to teach myself how to cook this year
>2 hours ago, i decided to make french toast
>everything goes great, french toast comes out perfect
>turn stove off
>notice pan is still smoking slightly
>am super nervous about hot oil and how to dispose of it because i’m an idiot
>decide to pour cold water on pan because that makes sense
>water immediately starts sizzling and smoking like one of those grills at a japanese steakhouse
>younger brother runs in very alarmed and tells me you aren’t supposed to pour water on hot oil
>am slightly afraid to cook now
>at least the french toast was good

[Anonymous No.10584948]

>over at neighbors house with parents
>they’re having a barbecue
>eat my food and get sauce all over my hands
>want to rinse it away so I can go back to playing vidya with their son
>grab a cup of vodka thinking it’s water
>pour it on my hands
>everyone stops talking and looks at me like i’m retarded

[Anonymous No.10584975]

>>10570870
I peed in a keurig well to see what a cup of pee coffee tasted like

[Anonymous No.10584984]

>be 14
>cooking a quick batch of rice pilaf
>set pot on stove, put on high heat, add olive oil
>go to chop onion and garlic
>oil catches on fire
>put lid on pot and shut off heat
>take off lid, oil catches back on fire

[Anonymous No.10585002]

>>10576528

[Anonymous No.10585018]

>>10578137

[Anonymous No.10585020]

>>10577025
It sounded like OCD until I read the explanation. The touch makes me think of sensory overload, which is not something I experience outside of sound (which is my ADHD thing and not my OCD thing)

>>10580161
>>10580683
I have literally never met anyone else who does this. Nice to know I'm not alone. My mediation fortunately stops a lot of the stupid shit my OCD does, but not this one apparently.

>>10583720
This does sound like OCD, and medication will make this not as bad. I can only use bathrooms that are not my own if I'm really desperate. I have gotten UTIs from refusing to use public restrooms, so I try to force myself. I just never feel clean afterwards.

My OCD won't let me take a bath afterwards though, otherwise the water will be "contaminated". Showers are fine, but I generally don't resort to that unless I'm having a really bad OCD day.

[Anonymous No.10585026]

>>10580216
I always take my shirt off when using the bath room

[Anonymous No.10585040]

>>10580161
>like not being able to poop while wearing a shirt
Costanza is that you?

[Anonymous No.10585067]

>>10580714
>go to the toilet with some biscuits

I feel like this part was kind of glossed over

[Anonymous No.10585090]

>be like 12
>home alone and hungry
>see some crinkle cut fries in the freezer
>always remember seeing cooked fries in this green plastic container whenever we had them
>so this must be how they are cooked
>turn the oven on to uhhhh heat
>put the fries in the plastic bowl, into the oven, and just sit there and wait
>eventually start to smell burnt plastic from the kitchen
>of course, the green plastic container had melted into a water fall
>didn't know what to do so just waited for my mom to get back
>plastic became hard by then
>she spent forever scraping everything out and I'm pretty sure the oven had a plastic smell for a long time whenever it was used
I can't even remember what my plan was. I just turned the oven on and sat the fries in there. Didn't think about how long it would take or what temp I put it on.

[Anonymous No.10585096]

>>10584975
How was it

[Anonymous No.10585102]

>>10585096
The coffee was strong enough to overpower most of the pee flavor so it just made everything more bitter. I somehow managed to finish half the cup before dumping it.

[Anonymous No.10585110]

My mom got me lime hot cheetos instead of regular hot cheetos so I sperged out and threw it in the bathroom trash can. Then I took the bag out 30 minutes later and ate it.

[Anonymous No.10585141]

>living in University dorm
>never cooked for myself before
>try to make a tin of soup
>only have crappy plastic bowls
>bowl half melts in the microwave, so the soup is spilling out over the side
>one of the girls living on the dorm walks in and asks why I am eating out of a melted bowl and asks if I want to use a bowl of hers
>get nervous and say no
>explain that I have to eat out of half melted plastic due to an anxiety condition
>she sort of looks skeptical
>don't want to seem like I lied
>for the next year everytime I eat in that kitchen, do it out of a half melted plastic bowl, even if it is cornflakes or something
>tfw whole dorm made fun of me because I was an autist, used to draw snowmen on my plastic bowls screaming 'i'm meeelting'
>tfw think I may have given myself some sort of poisoning from all the plastic I ingested

[Anonymous No.10585189]

>pic related
>be like 10
>in car with mom dad and my 2 sisters
>driving home from dinner
>been holding in a big shit for a while
>Oh shit cant hold on anymore
>lift my arse of the seat with my arms
>take the biggest most compressed shit of my life
>with maximum focus im hovering above this log
>dad pulls over at this house he bought so we could check it out
>get out of car last and lag behind the rest of family so i can dispose of turd
>place turd on the grass nature strip so it looks like a dog did it
>noone suspected a thing, perfect crime

[Anonymous No.10585204]

>>10585141
that is the dumbest thing i read today

[Anonymous No.10585223]

>>10585189
wa la

[Anonymous No.10585228]

>>10583849
better than forceing them to eat something untill they puke like some kind of troubled fuckwit

[Anonymous No.10585247]

>>10585223
word up

[tim the tool man taylor No.10585256]

>>10580433
mcdonalds doesnt have dedicated cleaning staff

the front line people who bag your food also clean the bathrooms

[Anonymous No.10585319]

>>10578334
holy shit ur mum sucks

[Anonymous No.10585332]

>>10584060
>through an ETA
PHONEPOSTER BEGONE

[Anonymous No.10585339]

>>10582955
a dutch oven is an actual piece of cookware but the joke version is when you cover someones head with something and fart under taht covering

[Anonymous No.10585349]

>>10582942
the absolute state of americans holy shit

[Anonymous No.10585350]

>>10583795
It's extreme briny fish saltiness. Pizza already has enough sodium, it doesn't need an extra salt bomb or any fishy flavor

[Anonymous No.10585358]

>>10574793
i always overbuild my sandwiches and end up having to do this because they fall apart. i dont know why i even try

[Anonymous No.10585361]

>>10583795
im with >>10585350 its just too salty
same for olives. the brine flavor overpowers everything else. a pizza should be light and fluffy and subtle, not just salt on salt

[Anonymous No.10585385]

>alone in home
>piss in cup
>microwave it
>piss gets extra hot
>like, really really hot, feels like it has been in a volcano
>there's white wormy things in it
>throw it in the garden, smokes come right out of it
>decides to do the same thing, but with shit
>shit in the cup and microwave it
>big mistake, the oven and the whole kitchen now smell like literal shit
>try to microwave some gorgonzola cheese to overcome the smell
>it doesn't work
>ohshitohshitohshit
>mom and grandma come back home
>nobody even notices the shit smell

I just wanted to have some fun...

[Anonymous No.10585393]

>>10585349
Jelly?

[Anonymous No.10585474]

Finished today eating thirty bagels between now and Wednesday evening. I have such a rude fart growing inside me I am experiencing discomfort all way up to my right shoulder.

[Anonymous No.10585662]

>>10585474
How much you weigh with height

[Anonymous No.10585663]

>>10585385
>>there's white wormy things in it
That is not fucking normal, anon

[Anonymous No.10585721]

>>10585385
How old were you? Did you just do this today, anon?

[Anonymous No.10585831]

>>10577661
>Daddy discovered the demonic cum donuts

[Anonymous No.10586021]

>>10583601
it's normal to dab the oil off to some degree, i doubt you've gone full uli

[Anonymous No.10586109]

>>10578137

[Anonymous No.10586367]

>>10585662
One-forty at five foot eight. I have between eight and ten pounds of bagels sitting inside of me right now.

[Anonymous No.10586405]

>Used to smuggle cans of mountain dew and packets of swiss miss cocoa mix to my room
>Eat the powder, wash it down with mountain dew
>See if I can do the whole packet of cocoa
>Goes exactly like cinnamon challenge videos, walking around my room coughing cocoa powder everywhere and choking
>Laying on the floor, pretty sure this is it
>Mom heard commotion, walks into room to find her son gagging on the floor surrounded by clouds of cocoa powder and spit
>Laughs at me and leaves

I don't blame her.

[Anonymous No.10586454]

>>10579828

I did this with edamame at a very fancy banquet

In my defense, who serves edamame at a banquet

[Anonymous No.10586656]

>>10586454
I had never had let alone heard of edamame before and learnt the hard way too. Glad I was having meal by myself.