/ck/ - Food & Cooking

[Anonymous No.6580082]

ITT we discuss times when we fubar'd a dish, drink, order, dinner, event, etc.

[Anonymous No.6580084]

>>6580082
garlic instead of cloves

[Anonymous No.6580096]

>>6580082
forgot to add water

[Anonymous No.6580098]

>>6580082
didnt drain oil

[Anonymous No.6580101]

>>6580082
no salt

[Anonymous No.6580102]

>>6580082
shortcake with 4T baking soda instead of baking powder

[Anonymous No.6580112]

Let the meat thaw, refroze it, re-thawed it for a few too many hours. It had the texture and consistency or rubber.

[Anonymous No.6580114]

Accidently used bitter eggs

[Anonymous No.6580115]

>>6580082
didnt cook it

[Anonymous No.6580117]

>>6580082
wrong measurement

[Anonymous No.6580119]

tartar sauce instead of cream of tartar

[Jose No.6580120]

> be op
> make this thread because good forbid it's been 45 minutes since the last one hit archive status
> wait for replies
> hear about expanding roomie
> hear about cheerio dog dish truck pederast
> hear about panko meatloaf
> hear about subway dick guy
> hear about spergs complain about meme food
> hear inbred britbongs whine about how they're not allowed to eat bacon because it hurts Muhammad's feelings
> hear about people burning water somehow
> hear about stoners turning on burners and walking away to go jack off then returning after a twelve hour call of duty session too find kitchen set aflame
> hear about op's mom's gaping cunt. His sister's, too.

[Anonymous No.6580208]

>drunk as fuck
>pasta with meat sauce sounds good
>boiling pasta
>drunk self thinks "I can cook this quicker if I cook everything together"
>throw pound of ground beef and pasta sauce in boiling pot of water
>stir it around for a minute
>realize how fucking drunk and stupid I am
>turn off gas, head to bed
>pot of raw meat, sauce, and half cooked pasta sitting on the counter
>roommates all wondering wtf I was trying to accomplish the next morning

[Anonymous No.6580216]

>be 14
>wanted to cook
>made chicken enchiladas
>Followed recipe exaclty
>I pulled them out of the oven
>They looked amazing
>Served to my family
>"Hey anon, these taste like bananas"
>I try them
>They taste awful
>Family still laughs at me to this day

I learned not to store breads by bananas that day. They tend to make stuff taste like them. I almost stopped cooking forever.

[Anonymous No.6580222]

>>6580208
>be me, much younger.
>was exploring crockpot spaghetti sauces online.
>found some on google, notice one didnt say to cook the minced meat.
>thought i found some new wizard way of crock potting
>put all the shit in with uncooked minced.
>hours later it ends up looking like a pile of pink diarrhea
>also ends up being a big waste of 30$
>ate it anyways fuck me

[Anonymous No.6580238]

>>6580082
>Using white wine for a sauce pairing of peppercorns and capers
>SHIT FUCKING CATCHES FIRE
>I panick and throw the pan into the sink
>There's still oil in it
>STILL ON FIRE
>OH FUCK OH FUCK
It went out by itself, but I was fucking scared. Wine? Never again.

[Anonymous No.6580249]

>>6580082
Cyanide in my girlfriend's serve instead of her mother's.

[Anonymous No.6580270]

>>6580208

>not adding mirepoix
>not making delicious if somewhat starchy consomme
>not adding tomatoes and reducing with herbs until Italian-inspired fideo

you done fucked up up son, that was eminently salvageable food

[Anonymous No.6580275]

>>6580120
You know you can just hide these threads, right, namefag?

[Anonymous No.6580282]

>>6580249
Goofed anon. Oldest mistake in the book.

[Anonymous No.6580376]

>>6580084
>>6580096
>>6580098
>>6580101
>>6580102
>>6580114
>>6580115
>>6580117
>>6580119


Now these are great fucking stories, rest of you can fuck right off.

[Anonymous No.6580426]

>>6580119
LOL

[Anonymous No.6580437]

>adding bouillon to soup
>"it's one tbsp to each cup of water, here we go, one, two, three, four..."
>it's actually one tsp to each cup of water
>mfw soup

[Anonymous No.6580453]

>>6580082
Corn starch instead of baking powder in a 3 dozen batch of cake donuts.

They sank to the bottom of the oil and laid there like rocks.

[Anonymous No.6580473]

>>6580216
>enchiladas
>bread
Wut.

[Anonymous No.6580503]

>>6580473
tortillas are considered a bread product

[Anonymous No.6580524]

>>6580503
Bra, he said bread. If he used tortillas, he'd have said tortillas. I don't care what they're considered, and I can understand that, but he said bread. Come on. Bread, wtf.

[Anonymous No.6580568]

>>6580082
made chocolate cookies using a recipe that calls for two sticks of butter, used two pound bricks instead

[Anonymous No.6580584]

>>6580216

i lost my shit for some reason

[Anonymous No.6580813]

Last night I added quinoa powder to lemon poppy muffins because "muh brotein". Ended up making the whole batch taste like ass and playdoh. Threw out two trays of muffins.

[Anonymous No.6580816]

my brother's story
his culinary teacher made muffins and put salt on the top instead of sugar

[Anonymous No.6580900]

>>6580437
wut

[Anonmyous No.6580923]

I made Chocolate cookies, forgetting the baking cocoa

[Anonymous No.6581017]

>>6580524

What are they made of

[Anonymous No.6581107]

>>6581017
corn

[Anonymous No.6581118]

>>6580923

[Anonymous No.6581121]

>tried to make instant oatmeal
>am hungry as fuck
>done two back-to-back 12-hour shifts with only energy bars & light snacks for energy
>fuck up the microwave time because tired
>oatmeal explodes
>literally feel like crying

[Anonymous No.6582527]

>making pasta
>sets water to boil
>sure is taking forever, might as well read doujinshi
>hour passes
>oh shi-
>water evaporated and left nasty burns on my pot
>tfw i literally burned water

[Anonymous No.6582798]

>take ambien
>accidentally stay up more than 15 minutes
>get hungry
>uncle ben's microwave brown rice in cabinet fuck yeah
>open it and pour it into a pan
>"I want it to be spicy rice."
>add a fuckton of frank's redhot instead of water
>I guess I was going to saute uncooked rice in hotsauce
>cook it for 15 minutes
>grab fistful and burn all 5 fingers on cast iron
>tastes like hard mouse turds with slimy smoked hot sauce
>take the whole pan and throw it into the sink
>sink was full of water
>toxic redhot gas fills the kitchen, crunchy mouseturd rice explodes all over the goddamn room
>let the dog in to clean it up
>go to bed

I woke up to the smell of uncle ben's spicy butthole, wet dog, wet dog shits, smashed sink dishes, melted sink mat, and red rice-shaped stains on the white paint

fucking ambien, not even once

[Anonymous No.6582868]

>>6580101
>watching chopped
>dude accidentally makes his desert with salt instead of sugar

[Anonymous No.6582877]

>earlier this year
>wanted to cook
>found recipe for some weird chicken dish
>"hey dad will this glass casserole dish burn if i use it on the cooktop"
>"nah should be right"
>15 minutes later
>casserole dish explodes
>dad hears the noise and comes inside
>sees glass and chicken all over the cooktop, counter, walls, and floor
>im sitting crosslegged on the floor, holding an open can of tomatoes and sobbing
>dad cleans up and orders pizza

[Anonymous No.6582880]

>>6580114
Can someone please explain this meme? I've tried googling it but to no avail.

[Anonymous No.6582902]

>>6582798

>be visiting mom during college
>cant sleep
>"here son try these sample sleeping pills i have"
>take pills, lay down and watch tv for an hour or so
>have to pee, hit up bathroom
>instead of reflection in mirror, i see an animated clip of a bear family drinking from a river and catching salmon
>huh, interesting
>stare and watch my little private bear movie for a few minutes before the mirror starts vibrating and breaks up into atoms
>wake up to my mom shaking me because i pulled my sheets off my bed and threw them into the front yard in the middle of the night

and im never taking ambien again

[Anonymous No.6582912]

>>6580900
He put way too much bouillon in, which meant way too much salt.
Stupid

[Anonymous No.6582914]

>>6582798
>let the dog in to clean it up

[Anonymous No.6582915]

>>6582902
>first time with ambien and I want to abuse it
>take two and stay up 20 minutes
>nothing is happening
>stand up to piss
>all the sudden my whole body is composed of television static
>amazed by this for a few minutes, wave my electric arms around in awe, etc
>notice that a few other things in the house are static as well
>grab them and absorb them into my static body to become more powerful
>wake up with nearly everything in the closest three rooms that weighs less than 20 pounds in a giant pile in my bed
>sign that says "electrical power" written on my framed diploma. it is somehow perfectly hung

glad that I'm not alone. that shit fucking nuts

[Anonymous No.6582931]

>>6581121
But instant oatmeal is no more substantial than energy bars and light snacks.

[Anonymous No.6582961]

>>6582798
>>6582902
>mom takes ambien to help her sleep, gets stoned as fuck and then tries to do things.

>mom loves cows
>had an artist friend paint a beautiful, realistic mural of calves playing on the wall
>few months later, we're fixing up a different wall and painting a new coat of white on it
>mom gets stoned as fuck, gets the paint bucket and decides she's going to "fix" the mural
>no one can stop her, she keeps batting us away and going at it
>painting over the realistic picture with pure white
>actually didn't do a terrible amount of damage considering she was high as fuck, but the spots are pretty obvious
>hfw she saw it the next morning and realized what she'd done
moved to a different state, turns out that house still has that mural 10 years later.


>another time
>mom works at home, works late at her computer
>come in one night, mom is sitting at computer
>eyes closed, chocolate truffle hanging out of her mouth, melting down her face
>hand on the mouse is slowly lifting in the air as she's leaning over
>hand on the keyboard still
>7 pages of "n"'s
Gothefucktosleep.jpg

[Anonymous No.6582966]

>Go to all you can eat sushi restaurant with friends last night
>Ask for bigger table away from the door
>Butch looking azn yells no
>We place first order
>She tells us the table only gets one tuna selection (even though we are planning on paying separately)
>Very rude when we ask why
>Sushi maker comes by and asks us how everything is
>Say great but we would like more of the pepper tuna
>He prepares it and the bitch starts yelling at him
>Besides ourselves I order the all you can drink sake
>We pass it around the table (against the rules)
>Woman comes over to complain to us in broken english that we are greedy and want to eat all the tuna; we were just asking for one order per person
>No one is happy, consume as much sake as possible
>Friend spots the bill on his amex because we just want to GTFO, tells the dike that there will be no tip (were usually generous tippers for satisfactory service)
>Get in the car and he puts a hold on the charge

Did we do wrong? It is all you can eat and the woman was extremely rude from the second we walked in the door. It seems she purposefully denied us the tuna- our favorite item and was very rude when we kindly requested to sit farther away from the door.

>>6582902
>>6582915
Similar things happened to me a couple times years ago. Onetime I ended up walking into the kitchen and chugging a full jar of salsa right in front of my parents. I only have a foggy memory of puking and the empty jar of salsa was sitting on my night stand in the morning.

I woke up one morning with about 5 pills missing. Apparently I blacked out then chopped and snorted a few of them. I found the razor blade and residue on the desk in the morning. I had never put any drug up my nose before hand so I have no clue what lead me to start then.The only thing I remember was feeling weird and playing Red Dead Redemption but my computer history showed I had typed random string of characters into google for a couple hours. Very strange stuff.

[Anonymous No.6583066]

>used ghost peppers to make a sauce for some salmon
>put it on low heat to cook evenly and not burn the marinade
>put a pot of rice on as well
>accidentally put rice on lower heat and salmon on full heat
>lifted the lid on salmon and filled the kitchen with ghost pepper smoke
>housemates start coming to see why I'm choking and causing commotion
>Anon is everything o-WHY ARE MY EYES BURNING!?
>smoke alarms start going off
>shitty house means that the smoke alarms trip the power
>batteries in the alarms mean they keep going
>everyone panicing
>idiot pulls out phone to use light, accidentally has it set to flashing mode and drops phone
>rave party in the kitchen with smoke machine
The parts of the salmon that weren't stuck to the pan were actually pretty good.

[Anonymous No.6583101]

>>6580437
i've done this too. was a sad day.

[Anonymous No.6583103]

>>6582966
Another restaurant story, not this guy though
>35 min wait at a Red Robin
>Suggest to my family we go to a different place
>They insist we just wait
>They get the food there pretty fast at least
>Notice all the utensils including the plates are visibly dirty
>Decide not to complain to the wait staff because I was with my family
>Reluctantly eat the dirty food
>I end up in the hospital with Pneumonia 3 days after, 105 degree fever, that and other conditions made the hospital think I might have Sepsis at first

I wish I had kept the plate in a sealed bag and sued the everliving fuck out of that shit hole.

[Anonymous No.6583106]

>>6583066
I loled. Jolly good show.

[Anonymous No.6583111]

>>6583103
> implying you get pneumonia from shit food

[Anonymous No.6583117]

>>6583111
I know it wasn't directly the food for fucks sake
It was the utter lack of cleanliness of everything else. The glass specially looked like it had not even been washed, like it was just taken out of the dirty bin, filled with soda and handed to me.

[Anonymous No.6583119]

I was making carbonara when I was drunk and accidentally added a bunch of curry powder.
After eating about half I put it down to go do something and when I came back I couldn't find it. A few days later I found it under my couch.

[Anonymous No.6583133]

>>6582798
>let the dog in to clean it up

[Anonymous No.6583171]

>>6580437
Add potatoes next time.

[Anonymous No.6583178]

>>6583117
Even indirectly. How exactly do you think a dirty fork is going to assist your contraction of pneumonia?

[Anonymous No.6583261]

>go buy ingredients to make chili
>2 pounds of ground beef
>no beans for once
>attempt to finally make real chili
>I forgot spicy stuff
>I'm out of hot sauce

It's okay, but It'd be better with a bunch of spicy crap.

[Anonymous No.6583271]

>>6582798
This Is the funniest thing I've read on 4chan in years. I'm in tears anon.

Holy shit. Why?

[Anonymous No.6583288]

>>6580270
Oh man, the "if not starchy consommé" made me laugh.

[Anonymous No.6583293]

>>6582798
I laughed so hard there were tears.

[Anonymous No.6583311]

Had to use a different tomato sauce because they were all out of contadina, the salt content ended up completely fucked

[Anonymous No.6583420]

>>6580437
Fuck I've done this

[Anonymous No.6583453]

>>6582798
>>6582902
> can't sleep, get suggested Ambien
> usually just knock out before I feel anything
> take it one time get a text from friend
> apparently he left his phone charger here or some shit
> been told not to stay up late on it
> eh fuck it what's the worst that could happen
> friend comes to the door 20 min later
> he starts turning into a giant cat right in front of me
> kinda like a dude in a fursuit
> throw the phone charger at him
> think it's ball of yarn
> then tried to grab his whiskers and fell down on my front porch
> wake up the next morning with bruised forearms
Apparently my dick was out the whole time

[Anonymous No.6583459]

>>6583261
>autism

[Anonymous No.6583466]

> be 14
> dipshit
> wanted to make iced tea for some reason
> can't find the pitcher
> use dad's giant beer mug
> pour hot tea directly in mug
> explodes 5 min later
> trying to contain boiling water from spilling out on me
> cry like a bitch
> dad fucked me later that night

[Anonymous No.6583480]

>put chicken breast in the oven
>forget to set the timer
>over an hour later remember that i have chicken in the oven
>take it out and it's crusty on the outside and super dry inside
>still eat it because i don't like wasting meat

Had to lather it in bbq sauce and mayo to make it edible

[Anonymous No.6583498]

>>6583480
enjoy your cancer