/diy/ - Do It Yourself

>>1881324
Dude no. Hes the guy that puts paint on cars. Everyone spells it wrong.

>>1881324

>For all my life until recently, I thought a carpenter was someone who installed carpets.

How is this even possible? Did you think Jesus installed carpets?

>>1881324
>hey anon, that girl is a carpenters dream! You know, flat as a board and easy to nail, get it?

>>1881356
Kinda. When I was a kid, I heard what I thought was "carpetner".

>called plumbers
>never even been to an orchard

>>1881324
Did you know a barrel maker is called a "cooper"?
Or a window-maker is a "Glazier"?

I always thought the variety of trade-based surnames were interesting.

>>1881363
>trade named after plumbus (lead) formerly used to make pipes

>>1881363
>trade named after plumbum (lead) formerly used to make pipes

>called a mason
>don’t even perform secret rituals in the basements of central banks

>>1881324
You think Jesus used to lay down olive green shag carpet in his temples?

>>1881493
No I did not.

>>1881541
See
>>1881360

Jesus anon, everyone knows the proper term for the guys that install carpet is “meth addicts”

>>1881516

I've always wondered how plumbuses got made

>>1881324
>electrician
>busy advertising political campaigns

>>1881324
>millwright
>grinding up grain into flour

>tinknocker
>I sell fake metal breasts and fake metal breast accessories

>hire landscaper
>won't build sea vessel to help me escape the land, just tries to sell me flowers

>hire a drywaller
>he’s a fucking wetback

> hire a computer scientist
> he doesn't know shit

>>1882582
>hire an upholsterer
>he doesn’t even have a gun

>hire a tailor
>he doesn't have a tail

>hire a train conductor
>he can't make them perform

>hire a handyman
>refuses to jack me off

>hire a cobbler
>dessert tastes like fucking leather

>hire a mechanic
>shows up without his Gundam suit

>go to lumberyard
>everyone walking at a fairly brisk pace

thread literally made me laugh out loud

>Hire an electronic engineer
>Doesn't have a single circuit board in his body

>>1882641
Best post ITT

>call a wrecker
>carefully moves my car

>hire a blacksmith
>he's white

>hire foreman
>there's only one of him

>hire doorman
>doesn't know shit about doors

>hire therapist
>rapes me

>grab a hand full of washers
>hands are even dirtier than before

>hire an exterminator
>that bitch is still alive

>>1882808
>same problem
>plus his name is Peterson

>>1881324
For most of my childhood I thought Ozzy Osbourne was both the lead singer of Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden.

>visit a tannery
>everyone is pale

>>1882839
kek

This thread is hilarious, thanks Chan

>Hire a drywaller
>He doesn't even how how to help me with me flood damage

>Hire a drywaller
>He doesn't know how to help me with flood damage

>pop open a manhole cover
>it’s just a a stupid concrete pit with a couple storm drains inside

>>1882826
ha

>Boss asks me for a screw
>Have to report to HR tomorrow morning

>excited to use my new band saw
>it doesn’t play music

>Go to hardware store
>They don't have any graphics cards or RAM

>Hire a civil engineer
>He raises his voice at me

>Hire a laborer
>He doesn't even know anything about British politics

>Hire an oil driller
>Wtf he is a racist

>buy a plane
Only thing that flies is wood curls

>buy router
>No WiFi

>buy an angle grinder
>it cuts in a straight line

>buy jackhammer
>Jacking off hurts

>Buy lathe
>Be early

>buy nail gun
>Toes are pierced

>Hire carpenter to lay down carpet
>Wtf I have wood floors now

>be in Poland
>Need my car shiny
>Hire soomeone to do it
>They use local product
>The polish polishes with polish polish.

>Machinists are just racists against humans.
>break lathes constantly need repair.
>a cobbler makes desserts with fruit.
>an arborist can repair one piece of a saw.

>ask for a waiter
>he won't wait for me

>>1881324
So u never had a dad?

>>1883019
I was at a restaurant in Greece once and asked a waiter if he would take a picture of my friends and I for me. He replied, "I can't, I'm waiting." My friends were embarassed that I even asked, but at least got a kick out of it.

>buy ruler
>has no subjects

>tape measure
>it doesn't stick to anything

>install curtains
>they're actually quite long

>>1881324
>>1881356
>mfw too scared to make this joke to my religious relatives

>buy a 2x4
>it's 1 1/2" x 3 1/2"

>>1882853
fucking kek

>>1883022
He didnt grow up with an alcoholic dad who couldnt routinely pay the bills, no.

>>1883122
Being religious, im sure they have a great sense of humor

Hit em with the old
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
>adam, he was the first in the race!

>I hired a roofer and he didn't even bother slipping something into my drink before raped me.

>hire astrologist
>he refuses to perform a rectal exam

>>1882657
Kek

>take my car to the grease monkeys
>absolutely no surprises

>buy a Penny Nial
>it cost a dime

>>1883154
Top shelf

>buy hammer
>doesn't taste like pork

>visit /diy/
>it’s an Amelia Bedelia forum

Holy shit I'm dying laughing at this thread

>>1881356
Who is Jesus?

Something something tap and die, help me out here.

>>1886608
>Order tap and die
>Didnt come until I was 80

>buy nail set
>not even enough to finish one hand

>>1881493
my favourite is chandler for candle maker

>>1886608
>Why are there no machinists in the military?
>because tap and die means something completely different when you work with explosives

>Order manifold gauges
>No service ports on my car's exhaust

>hire a lineman
>he’s completely three dimensional

>order some black nipples
>they're just little pieces of pipe

>>1881324
Makes sense I suppose.

>Rest of this thread.
Quality shit.

> masonry wall
> no jews hanging

>>1881356
Hes a kid, probably looked at a trade school.

>>1882641
I had to ask my wife's son what this one meant

>>1881324
>Buy hair dye
>Hair still very much alive

>>1881516
i though it was cause they need to make pipes plum.

>>1882905
Router are not suppose to have WiFi I don't get it.

>Jack of all trades
>Name's Steven

>>1882826
>hire foreman
>check 'em

>>1888941
>hire foreman
>its not a jamaican golfer

>>1882562
>>1882582
>>1882325
>>1882641
>>1882808
>>1882826
>>1882839
>>1887921
Thank god this thread was on the front page

>>1882850
>hire an exterminator
>it's not Arnold Schwarzenegger, just some dude in a hazmat suit
>:(

>>1888423
If for some reason I ever got unbelievably stupid rich, I would start a company that makes off-brand Nair and name it "hair die" just for the chaos and hilarity that would ensue

>>1882562
Premium kek

>Find the correct pipe thread
>for no reason its 100 posts longer than it needs to be

>>1881356
Wtf? He didn't install yours?

>>1881518
>when Jesus was a carpenter there were Roman plumbers laying lead pipe

What the actual fuck is up with this reddit-tier pun faggotry?

>order blind installation
>the cheating fuckers use their eyes

>>1890547
> complains about reddit-tier
> "actual"

>>1881335
hilarious

>>1881360

same. but in my defence english is not my first language. So as a kid i thought a carpenter was somebody that made carpets. L