/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>4936692
>The MC is a hiki
I'm not a hikikomori. No one on this board has lived as a hiki for 6 years. We have the basics of a character, as of yet, he has no personality, but this will be established. He is not a self-insert.

>>4936690
Well we already have a relatively solid story for the prologue. It's not written very well, but it's still a pretty simple introduction.

>>4936649
>>4936662
If you get good ideas, post them in
http://kureha.no-ip.org/k1/index.php?topic=321.0
so they can be implemented by a writefag. I'm not writing, just cleaning stuff up, and chances are the writefag is not here, so it's highly recommended to post in there, as people won't go and look at every easymodo thread for good suggestions through all the trolls.

>>4936644
>self-insert.
This isn't a self-insert at all. I don't have suicidal thoughts. I'm sociable. I'm nothing like this character. And he will have a personality, we just have hardly established anything besides the character of Church girl.

>>4936620
>how does Lucetta have income?
It is a mystery. These threads are filled with good ideas, but at the minute there are loads of blank places in the story, but I'm sure someone will think of something.

>>4936586
>After all the constant complaints about how MCs in most VNs are shallow self-inserts
I've never complained about this. And the person who wrote this original story wasn't a very good writer. I just tidied it up and made it more consistent.

>>4936547
That's not very nice.
http://jpproject.pastebin.com/awYsiA8A
I made a new one with a subdomain so it's easier to see earlier revisions of this shit.

http://pastebin.com/jMtdaUpN
New updates. It's more consistent and less shitty. Any more creative criticism would be appreciated.

>>4936433
Thanks for your suggestions. I've amended it partially to fit with the criticism you gave. Less shitty now.

http://pastebin.com/WStAJJEW
New version of pastebin. It's a little longer, and a lot less shitty. For some reason, that was actually fun. Shame I can't write original content.

>>4936167
True that. But generic colours are good. You don't need kawaii animu colours everywhere, black, brown, blonde and ginger aren't generic.

>>4936160
>I've spotted a lot of random things in there myself too, but it's a good start at least. I've already changed some things in there, but I don't think I should do too much without consulting the original writer.
I'm sure the writer has an original copy saved elsewhere. I'll save a copy as well incase in the writer gets butthurt by my cleaning it up.

>>4936152
What do you suggest? Not every visual novel has the typical animu green/red/purple hair. Some novels only use realistic hair colours.
inb4
>colours

>>4936121
Actually, fuck it. I'll just go over this pastebin shit and throw in some acronyms and other details. I won't shit it up though.

>>4936111
A whole body picture of her would be nice. A nice standing one. We have one of her sitting, but that obscures some details on her.
>>4936096
>“Come, and we will help you change.”
Replace 'we' with He, and it'll be pretty obvious reference to God without the need for a note. Remember to capitalize He though.
>I begin to laugh. I’ve gone insane.
I've gone insane? 'I'm losing it.' or something else would be less blunt. I'm sure the character isn't actually insane.

I know there is a feature to allow me to edit all this, but I think you'll be able to write better than me if you just revise this take aboard the criticism.

>>4935957
Here comes more stuff.
>Ignoring her
then a comma.
>I continue walking; she begins following me for some reason.
>“Oh... Really now? Why’s that?”
Seems odd to suddenly give her attention after that previous line. Needs something in between saying you'll give her a chance or something.
>My voice has a depressed tone to it,
Needs rephrasing, sounds stupid. Also, it would be nice to expand your vocabulary a little bit. Depressed sounds bland. Morbid, sullen? Google for acronyms, can really help to make it more of an interesting read with.
>“That’s right; you look like you’re depressed and hate living.
Sounds a bit cold and blunt. If a reader is going to like a character, the character should sympathize and be kind to the character. Unless you're making a tsun tsun~ character.
>I don’t even know why I’m entertaining her like this.
Entertaining her? I understand what you mean by entertain, but sounds awkward in the context.
>I keep walking towards.
I start walking briskly in an attempt to get rid of her/this annoyance/whatever would probably sound better,
>so I list my reasons for a bit of entertainment before I die.
Again, using the same word. Entertainment. Perhaps saying that the MC is saying that shit to attempt to justify such a huge thing (killing himself)?
>her small warm hands grab my arm from behind me.
Sounds awkward. Perhaps some ronery description saying how it's the first girl to touch him that isn't a relative, or something like that?
>find yourself!
Total cliche. But maybe this horrible cliche is intentional, seeing as she's a little christfag?
>“As a follower of God, I cannot just sit by and watch you throw your life away! I’ll drag you there if I have to.”
Needs more emphasis. Suicide is a terrible sin according to Christfags.
>“Ugh...”
More like UGUUUUUUUUUUU~~~~~

>>4935957
>the same bird cooking some kind of pasta.
Oh god, not /jp/ references. I smiled, and I know it's a /jp/ project, but I really think we should refrain from this. I'll read on and give you my feedback.
>NOTE: Obviously this is fairly brief, if someone can make this sound a bit more tragic or something it would probably be for the better, I’ll probably go back to it in the future.
Good note, that shit needs more detail for sure.
>owner of the building
Sounds awkward. Landlord, not owner of the building.
>You’re too behind on the rent
Another awkward sounding line. Just pointing them out.
>aluminates
illuminates
>One of the cops makes this remarks, sure (...)
Needs a period at the end.
>And he hasn’t paid his rent in ages
'in ages' sounds awkward in this context, for some reason.
>I sit there, staring into the same big eyes.
What big eyes?
>Ignoring them.
Staring into big eyes and ignoring them? What?
>and my moneyless wallet.
I would say just empty wallet. Moneyless sounds awkward again.
>the busting street.
Don't you mean bustling?
>look like I’m some kind of freak
Self-loathing would be good here. If he's depressed so much that he is going to kill himself, he will have a low opinion of himself. Depressed people hate themselves.
>“Will you please take one?”
Sounds awkward. Someone wouldn't ask you this.

I know this is an early version, but pointing out some stuff. Posting more, just making sure I don't reach character limit.

>>4935894
The 'story' written so far has no story so far, as some other dude said, there are no thoughts of the character, no nothing, just him reporting what he is seeing. I mean, I can't write for shit, but just a heads up that a characterless character is bad.

>>4935909
Even the untranslated ones?

>>4935898
It wasn't, and it annoyed the hell out of me. I now hate fried chicken sandwiches. Whatever the fuck that is.

>>4935861
You're trying to reason with a troll like OP? Good luck with that one. Ever17 was brilliant asides SANDWICH EATING FOR HOURS.

>>4935791
Cool creative criticism. I agree with pretty much everything you said there.

>>4935653
I like how it isn't BIG BLACK TRANSPARENT BOX now. I prefer it where it's just down at the bottom like that.

>Koihime Musou
I've never heard of this.