/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>19137735
Gave it a gander. The writing is sharp and active, and not just due to the 2nd person point of view. There is a bit of an oddity though. Given how wrapped up she was in the action, I expected that the first maid would have a stronger reaction during the climax of the story. I can't say much else. Due to the nature of the story, some forms of introspection would derail the dynamic sense you put so much effort into. I might suggest a few small "speed bumps", meant to slow it deliberately, before shifting back into the action. Each slow bump would be a hook into the next active phase, as a preparation for the reader -- to increase involvement/anticipation, perhaps. All in all, it fits -- according to my limited knowledge -- the style for fast paced 2nd perspective stories.