/lit/ - Literature

>>5749306
Thanks for the critique

Oh yeah, he is way more interesting, which is why I'm having a blast writing his character.

The protagonist had just spent 2 chapters wandering to a desert slowly drifting to insanity, so he's not very talkative.

This chapter he doesn't have many lines, because I really want to exploit the Khaleel to the fullest (I may have killed him off in the next one) but I assure you, the MC has some great characterization and eccentricities earlier and later.

I'm working on another scene right now that's even more over the top than the one I posted here. If I finish it I'll post it.

>>5749194
Oh, it makes much more sense then. Yeah I was just stupid.

>>5749058
Any time!

Give some critique to someone else in this thread. It'll give you a new point of view on your own work. While reading will improve your writing, it won't help if you don't pick apart the literature. I find that critiquing work has helped me improve just as much as my work being critiqued.

>>5748978
>>5748982
Same to you.

I was pretty self conscious writing that scene, so it's good to know that so far it's gotten comments like it's fun to read.

I'll see if I can reword his description.. I'm not very good with characters, I prefer landscapes.

>>5748934
Oh shit, sorry man I can't even into poetry.
I'll try to give you an idiot's opinion though.

Yeah the first stanza could use some work. I don't know the metre you're going for so maybe my opinion here doesn't matter at all.
>Oh, oh the great sea
>has risen finally
could use another syllable here. It's balanced numbers wise, but when read it feels almost off.

>Tastes like blood
You might like
>The taste of blood
maybe?

>crushed by the weight and dazed
I like the near rhyme of days and dazed, but "and dazed" doesn't make sense to me.

I don't think the first break is necessary. Grave/crave are near rhymes anyway.

Second break is moreso because the two stanzas are less similar.

For the ending, I like the idea of it. It just needs to be rewritten. I can't say how.

Again, I can't even poetry. I've written some shitty limeric poetry for chicks and shit, but not anything with substance.

As i said with the other poems in this thread.. It's good, I think?

Sorry I can't be of much help

>>5748913

here.
>>5747443
its shitty genre fiction I'm writing for fun.

post something of yours so I can return the favor

>>5748893
I wouldn't mind giving you some critique for some thoughts on my work.

I just set myself a limit on freebies.

Alright, I've given everyone critique. I hope it's useful and that it helps you improve.

Again, me being a whore, feel free to critique my bullshit here:
>>5747443

Anyone who has been given critique, please share the love and critique the new posts in this thread.

>>5747733
>>5747745
>>5747755
>>5747610
>>5747560

>>5748214
Ah I see. Art is entirely subjective and that is the nature of things. I personally prefer hints of poetry and vivid descriptions, so I'm not the best person to critique your work.

if you wanted it to simply be about people living in caves, perhaps the simple things like taking pictures of broken 'urns' and trading berries should be reworked.. really gives the vibe of stupid. Just sayin'.

Perched was just a quick example. I'm pretty critical about repetition, but that's just me.

Hopefully I've given you a useful opinion.

>>5746202
Alright, so I promised more in depth critique

I skipped it because I had read the first paragraph in another thread and I had just critiqued 2 very long posts.

I promised to give in depth critique... but I can't

I like it, especially the monologue. Gives a great Noir style. Its got a strange dynamic with evil twins? Like what? It's cliche, but you did it well. I didn't see the twist coming.

I know you've worked hard on the first few sentences, and its getting there, but there are still a few kinks to be worked out.
>It did not seem right
Personally, it lowers the impact and dulls the hook. I'm not sure how to rewrite it, but the word 'seem' is the problem.

>notes
I really like the sentences, the descriptions of Hong Kong, but I don't understand the analogy. Are we talking musical notes? Notes in a notebook? I don't know, perhaps I'm stupid. Again, I like the sentences, but the metaphors are lost on me.

>The closet had been his death before
My first thought was that the detective was gay
Totally a bullshit criticism... but... hey, I mad the connection, others might.

>upon which he was bound
>which bound him
'upon' here is entirely useless, it can be removed without thought to the rest of the words, however to me personally, I would further shorten it. Just a preferrence

>Bamboo canoe
I liked this rhyme, gave the monologue momentum and the speaker character.

Other than that, I really liked the rest of it, again especially the monologue.

Write more.

>>5748143
>>5747708
If that is what you're going for, it works.
Keep in mind, however. It's going to turn a lot of readers off. Satire only works if its not insufferable.

>>5747411
I don't like being harsh, but, its got problems.

Here's what I think the story is, if it's not, then some of my criticisms may not apply.
I believe it's uneducated people in a town. (Like a post-apocalyptic society). Caves are perhaps buildings in a small town?

Anyway, the criticisms that apply to that are:
Your dialogue. While it'd be bland kind of everywhere, here its particularly bad. If these are barbarian, low intellect characters, then their dialogue is a huge disconnect.
>I'm sorry, I thought this was my cave, sorry.
Tell me a cave (wo)man would say that. I'm not saying go all ooga booga, but, it doesn't fit imo.

Another problem is just the prose. It's very lack-luster. It doesn't feel tribal, or primalistic. Even without the theme, it's just very basic.

>Their caves glowed blue at night.
Someone said this to me when I had sentences like that in my writing.
Put some poetry in it for fucks sake.

While this is still a little boring, a small change really gives the sentence much more impact.
>Blue light would glow from their caves.

There is also some repetition that was jarring.
>glowed glow
>stand standing
>night night
>forest forests
all of those in a three sentence span.
Try:
>shine, gleam, alight
>stood, sat, perched
>dusk, twilight, evening
>trees, thicket, woodland
Not much of a change, but it will improve your writing and your vocabulary.

There is also repetition with the following words, though this may have been part of your style and a conscious choice. I personally didn't like it, but that's just an opinion.
>Vending machine
>Legs
>Limbs

I liked the line
>That was something.
Very simple, and what the theme requires is simplicity, which is a difficult thing to pull off without boring prose.

Anyway, I hope you can take this with thick skin. Practically everything needs to be reworked; but that's a good thing...

Because you can do better.

>>5747258
I'm going to be honest, this needs a lot of work.

>A soldier lay dead against the wall, his uniform identifying him as German.
How I would do it:
>I thought to loot the corpse propped against he wall; a dead soldier in a tattered German uniform.
Not the best, but, IMO it's more immediate. It has stronger visuals, and little details that make the scene more gruesome. "I thought to loot the corpse." could be changed, but atm I can't think of a replacement.

>The joy I feel
Felt would make more sense.

>Mostly because
Is a little unnecessary, it lessons the gravity of the next sentence. Ask yourself, is there another reason he is disconcerted? If the answer is no, just change it to:
>I feel I should be revolted with myself

>of a fellow
of his
Yes this is extremely petty.

I'm noticing your sentences could be scrunched down to be less wordy. Here's an example:
>I reached into the pockets of the trenchcoat
>I reached into his trenchcoat pockets
Its not much, but with that change, the sentence is more concise, direct. You remove 'the' and 'of the' making that sentences less repetitive.

>I have stopped
Passive voice
>I stopped

>only
you use it a couple times, in both cases it can be removed.

That's it for the bad.

>I would need one if I could not find any more Pervitin tomorrow.
This sentence could be tightened up, but let me say I like the idea of it. Really gave the narrator more character, showing him as addicted.

The story idea is interesting, given a little polish I wouldn't mind reading it.

I feel awful for shitting on you even after you thanked me twice. So sorry for that.

Anyway, don't get disheartened. The details and the events are nice, just the writing doesn't do it justice.

Keep at it, get inspired, prove my shitty critique wrong.

>>5747969
It does, very much.

I've been trying to word it in ways that make it sound more wise? I don't know. The narrator's character is supposed to be a very wise man brought up in more medieval times, but it's not a style I'm well practiced in, so it sucks most of the time.

Thanks.

>>5746526


That opening sentence. If its the middle of an ongoing story, it's fine, but if it's the first line it's underwhelming IMO.

I've got no problems with the rest.

I actually really like the rest of it, very vivid, descriptive. I really got the feel of PTSD. Very dramatic.

Sorry, not the most useful critique, but most of it I found solid.

>>5746410
Let me start by saying I really enjoyed the style. it's blunt with short sentences and flows well with the longer ones.

I got a nihilistic, isolated vibe from it.

The parenthesis are great in some places, a little unnecessary in others, but I don't believe that should be changed, it fits in with the style.

I've got some petty shit to complain about though.
The first sentence needs some work, it probably flows the least of all.
>caught himself and paced
I think it would be improved by
>caught himself, then paced
Just an opinion.
Also, 'the frame' is a little repeitive, maybe change one to 'the stage' or 'behind the curtain'

same with
>like a vacuum, he sucks intention
I would change to
>like a vacuum, sucking intention
It flows better with the rest of the sentence, imo.

You use the words
>though, feel, think. (and variations)
A lot and somewhat too close to each other, I would diversify it and see if you can combine sentences. It was most noticable in one sentence where 'though' was used twice with only 5 or so words apart.

Same thing with I. not a big deal, but I would try to use the word I less. Feel free to dismiss my opinion here, its just a personal preference.

At the end you use
>maybe
I think
>perhaps
would fit the style more.

I've got nothing else. Like I said, I really like the style. It's got great prose, I like the theme. It gets deep in the middle and then completely comes back to reality at the end.

Write more.

>>5747681
Thank you :)

As I said, this is a thread for people who post in the normal Critique threads but never get replies.

Your choice: Critique from somebody who is willing to give it, or none at all.

I'm taking a quick break, today was a writing day for me and I've got to get a quota in.

Will continue in ~an hour.

Until then, feel free to check my shit and rip me a new asshole if my critique has disappointed.

>>5747443
>>5747443
>>5747443

>>5746234

Petty shit.
>Palms clasping the railing
A little convoluted.
>He looked over the edge, his palms clasped the railing.
I don't like the words looked, and clasped, but just a switching of the order of words and it's read better. I make that mistake in my own writing.

>Beyond the back of his hands, throttling the rusted safety barrier, he saw the black-brown waves lash the foundations on which he was standing.
I've got no idea. I just don't. At first few glances it was overwritten to the point where I didn't understand it.
>Beyond the back of his hands
This seems unnecessary, it's like saying "He looked over his own nose" or "With his eye lids open."

>On which he was standing
>On which he stood.
Just a personal preference, it avoids the passive voice and makes more sense in a present tense narrative.

>Coastal costal
as >>5746755 said.

>folding an oncoming breeze into his lungs for a sigh.
Here you mention the coast's breeze, and that he sighed. They would work great alone, but here it's really bizarre to combine them.

I would mention the breeze in the coastal circuit line, and just say he sighed.

>she exaggerated her emphasis.
! ! !!!! !! !!!11!!!!! those exist, just sayin'. Italics too. Also, exaggeration IS emphasis, you're basically saying "It is large as big."

Needs work, don't get disheartened though. I assume you are new to writing, at least I hope so. The growing pains are obvious.

Just take this criticism, read some more, and practice, for the love of god, practice.

>>5746202
I'll get to this in a moment, I've seen you post around so I want to give you a more indepth critique. Right now, however, I want to go through some of the shorter ones.

For the poems posted here, I'm not a poet, so this is really shitty critique but.. hell.

>>5747187
This isn't bad, I think?
>Praise to the glory of loved ones now gone.
Seems a little out of meter with the first line, but I liked the rhyme of on and gone, though that may be coincidental as it doesn't happen anywhere else.

I like the idea of it.

>Cry like a child, though these years make me older
I got the idea, but it seems obscure for no reason.

>>5747253
Also.. good, I think?

>know grow
these two lines matched very well.

>season reason
these didn't.

I've got no idea the concept because I am a dull man, regardless, coming from someone who cant even into poetry, it's a good start?

>>5745984
>>5745979
I'll be honest, I thought I was reading Elliot Roger part 2.

I do see the point, perhaps there is a deeper meaningful point you wanted, but I do see the very obvious one. it is hammered in a little hard, it's not so complex an idea that it needs so much description, but such is the nature of writing.

My advice for you is to explore the complexities of the humble/ambitious dichotomy. Examples of how they interact, how the 'popular' are cruel. This will give you a chance to keep the basic ideas simple, while providing details, rather than just repeating the same stuff in different sentence structure.

>He might be poor and simply ridiculous. He might be rich and obscenely disgusting. In any case...
Nope. Flows like ass stank,
>The ladies' man - rich or poor, simply ridiculous or obscenely disgusting. He is always found loathsome to the very women he would chases, never knowing it until it was too late.
Off the top of my head, that's how I'd word it.

Petty shit?
>>5747273
I could almost see your fedora.

I'm going to pretend that the sentence structure and descriptions aren't used to write Eliot Roger v2, and say this:
It had potential (The idea doesn't but your writing does).

Find the polish, and find a friend or something. Keep at it.

>>5745968

The beginning needs a lot of work, but after the first paragraph it gets much better. Try to rewrite it to have more vivid descriptions.

>the implications of this victory were at a loss to him. He drained his glass.
This is particularly bland. Not something you want in the first few sentences.

Petty shit
>one of his
one of drains the impact, is there any reason to not simply say "his favorite"?

>Waaagh!"
Is it a cat? a dog? a person? a bum? an ork warboss from the 40k universe?

>the lights suddenly came on.
Surely there is a better way to write this.
>Carl was blinded by lights switching on as if by magic.
Not a great example, but it reads better IMO, feel free to discard that though.

>Carl got outside and crossed the street, getting caught in a streak of vomit sailing through the window of a passing taxicab - soaring gelatinous and brown through the air and splattering in a liquid gunk across his coat.
I was about to write in my notes that the sentences had very boring descriptions, but this changed my mind.

It's got good imagery, I liked the name repetition, but, it seems someone attempts that style every few posts on /lit/. I would suggest using your abilities on something more unique.

I'd be interested in reading more.

>>5745962
>>5745966
Hey, I'm very sorry but I won't be able to give the most indepth critique, it is very long and I don't have much time. I will give you my thoughts after reading 30-40% of it and skimming the rest.

The first sentence could use a little more impact.
>Thank you so much for writing me.
These are just ideas, but I would personally have written something along the lines of:
>Dear (Name with fancy title BS)
>Your letter has been received in a timely manner.
>As always, I am grateful to hear from you.
These are just shitty ideas off the top of my head, but hopefully you get the idea.

Some petty shit:
>fuck right off.
Now don't get me wrong, I liked this part; however it is incredibly jarring, but perhaps that's what you want.

>deep under and penetrating an endless maze...
I would change this entire sentence, penetrating isn't a word for a maze. Perhaps restructure the surrounding fragments so you could write:
>Deep within the confines of an endless maze of tenement complexes.

>It surprised my to
Extremely petty, but
>me

My overall impressions is that I liked the descriptions, good use of vocabulary.

The flow seemed a tiny bit jarring at times, but after rereading the sentences, it turned out to be my own stupidity. They do flow well, but certain parts may be lost in translation if someone was to read fast.

Keep it up

>>5745906
I read about 70% of it, but I mostly skimmed it because it is fairly long. I read enough to get the story and a feel for the style.

Alright, lets start with the big shit.

I personally felt the writing was a little bland, especially in the beginning, there just weren't that many attention grabbing sentences (The latte galaxy metaphor wasn't bad). It is serviceable, it gets the story along and the prose works, if a little bit blunt. There are some areas where the flow needs to be improved.

The dialogue was a little boring, "That's not okay." and "Don't say that." was a little jarring. Later on with Dan, it stops being a problem.

Petty shit.
You repeat the word 'said' a lot, it was a little noticeable to me. Perhaps you can find a way to cut it down a bit, I personally prefer to use character actions to denote the speaker.

>Dumb fucking junkie bitch
Surely you can be more creative.

>>5747380
I agree here, the meek repetition wasn't really providing an effect. if you want to emphasize that he is meek, maybe mention it 2-3 times right when he is introduced, then not anymore.

>her eyes - her eyes
It was said twice in back to back sentences, just something really petty.

The sentence about the two-dollar bills, while I liked, felt really out of place. You've got this very dramatic sentence about fuckin' compact suns and radiating lights... describing a two-dollar bill. I mean, it's got an effect, but I can't see how you would describe a dollar bill as a compact sun.
Not bad tho.

>Sometimes, late at night . . . until the next sleepless night.
I like this paragraph, it needs a little work on the prose, the word "feel" is repeated a lot; but other than that, I like it. Especially:
>simmer down to a low heat; a miasmic blend of general dissatisfaction and unfulfilled potential that would then last until the next sleepless night.

>Richard Nixon's head.
I don't know why but that made me laugh.

>That really obnoxiously long pushup scene.
I personally liked it, but keep in mind other readers might find it annoying. Still, I liked it, nice.
One idea to improve it though--instead of having finished five pushups ten minutes ago, have her just finishing her first. Just an opinion.

>It was rainy and cold.
>It was November.
>It was Tuesday.
I thought this part was a little weird, but it tied in nicely when it was repeated

>existentially fucked.
I liked the ending, especially with the two-dollar bill tie in. The last two words in particular has an impact, but it is an impact that is slightly reduced by the fact you use them several times earlier. I would leave the ending as is and change the other 'existentially fucked' to something else.

Overall, it's solid. Could use some polish, but it's a good start. Don't give up.