/lit/ - Literature

my mental health has been taking a real nosedive lately. my father died a few months ago of an incurable disease, a person i very much admired got bullied into suicide, and overall my intrusive thoughts have gotten much worse and harder to control.

i've been holding it all in for a long time now for fear of sounding like a pussy, even if my mom and the rest of my family have all been understanding and supportive and all want me to be earnest and thorough with my feelings, and i'm thankful for them.

i miss my dad. we all do, everyday. everytime i feel like crying thinking of him i try hard to stop myself. i don't know why i do that. no one's berating me or abusing me emotionally for feeling like that or anything like it. i just keep holding back.

i guess i don't want mom or anybody else to see me in that state, even if they said it's fine, that i should let it all out, that there's no reason not to. maybe it's cause i feel bad since i'm very sensitive, but no one's shaming me or calling me words.

i want to get out more and face my fears and become a better person for him, and i want to do that... but i'm scared of what's out there. i'm scared of other people, of how evil people can be to one another, and i'm scared of what could happen in the future.

all this doomer talk about the world ending and a race war re-igniting again really has me worried. i don't fucking want that to happen. it would be horrifying to witness in this day and age. i don't wanna give credence to things people say on social media.

this suffering is not teaching me shit. it's only made me wanna go into hiding even further... but i know what's not the way go. life has got to be more than all this, right? i want to have faith that we will be alright. i want to write about happy things.