/lit/ - Literature

>>18340197
Very relatable to me. Practically everyone in my field has more prestige, age, degrees, and wealth of knowledge than me. This career path was not really my own choice, but I don't know how to make it otherwise. The work is infuriating, boring, and all together tiring to the degree that it feels like a vampire feeding on my soul. Relative to the things that PHDs and doctors in my field do, what I am doing is simple. I'm am in constant conflict with a powerful desire to escape into my art/literature fantasy world and work on perfecting those skills and having to settle with the mundane reality that I will leave my dreams of being even remotely as great as the old masters unaccomplished. I drink almost every day as this makes me feel a sense of peace for a few hours and allows me to get to sleep at the correct hour, yet my hangovers increase my anxiety, rinse and repeat, day in day out. It is both a poor and effective coping mechanism at once. When it is crunch time I have to also take stimulants like adrafinil or modafinil. When combined with alcohol at a later time so that I can sleep, the side effects are harmful. And I really wish that I didn't need to modify my brain with any substance to be at a functional level to the demands placed before me. I feel that work should be working so that you can do other things, not working so that you can do nothing else and demanding every second of your attention throughout 24 hours. The demands set by such a competitive society seem to be becoming a jack-of-all-trades and a master of all as well. I reproach myself for not becoming a Nurse, or an accountant, or a computer coder, or a graphic designer. To give you some positive, you are doing difficult work that many would never reach and just give up at, but your post really resonated with me.