/lit/ - Literature

I have a sinking feeling that I'm one of those lukewarm believers the Apostles were talking about. I believe, but that's not enough, is it? I'm caught in between enjoying it when I beat off or act in a way I know I shouldn't and periods where I feel revulsion for my actions and intense self-hatred for my lack of willpower. That's not the right approach at all, and I know that, but I can't help the way I feel. I want to start living in a better way, repent, and become a better person, but at the same time, part of me wants to just keep being lazy, give up no vices, put everything off til tomorrow, and think everything will work itself out eventually. And "part of me" is kind of an attempt at avoiding responsibility, since when I'm being lazy or passing another Sunday whacking it to hentai, I enjoy what I'm doing and want to keep doing it. Only afterwards do I feel like what I did was wrong, and that makes me very uncomfortable with myself. I've read a few works by saints and elders, and they all agree that some people, no matter how much you do for them, won't make the choices they need to make in order to be saved. Am I one of those people? Am I going to just occupy my stupid little rut my whole life, always shying away from doing what I know I need to be doing, always one step away from where I need to be?
For a while now, I've been praying for some sort of nudge, just a small little push in the right direction so I can stop teetering back and forth on a precipice, with Christ on one side and apathetic laziness on the other. Now I wonder how many times I've received just such a nudge, only to pull myself back from the cliff's edge at the last second, telling myself I need more time to decide.
This isn't the first time I've been through this thought process. Most of the time, I end up concluding that I might as well kill myself, since I'm obviously never going to take the steps I need to, so I might as well accept the foregone conclusion and go to Hell. That's not a healthy way of looking at it, and I (obviously) chicken out of doing anything as drastic as an heroing, but the thought remains in the back of my head, making me feel like whatever I do will be pointless since I have so little willpower that I'll just end up giving up or failing halfway through whatever I try.
I don't know where to go from here. I've been thinking about sending an email to a local Orthodox priest for a few weeks, even though I'm a Mormon by birth, but I always hesitate and delete the draft before I send it. I wish I was more decisive, but wishing won't get me anywhere either. I guess all I can hope for is that I get that push I need somewhere down the line, just much stronger than I thought it would be, and I'm forced to finally make a decision and stick with it.