/lit/ - Literature

>>18762957
The tone seems to teeter uneasily between "whimsical" and "comically serious" and neither one is as clever or charming as you'd like them to be. It reads a bit as if you're writing for a high school English class, where you're aiming for several goals without achieving any harmony between them (great vocabulary! unique voice!).

Really the core issue seems to be that you're using really vague language as a substitute for humor, like that asshole with his annoying alien comics (pic related). If you want this to be amusing, I suggest you slow down a bit and commit fully to the joke. The encounter with the mother reads like you're worried the reader might confuse the narrator with the author so you try to distance yourself a bit with the whimsical tone I mentioned earlier. Instead try playing it deadly straight, and let the natural concern in the mother's attitude play off the anxious hostility of the narrator.