/lit/ - Literature

>>6433709

Sup muh poetry duderino.

Will you critique mine back?

First of all - I thought this was great - So I'm gonna do a line-by-line

First pass, my impression is that you were going for bombastic imagery to elevate the common morning for the common worker to a mythical or godlike state - it is truly exultant! I also strongly picked up on the insect/hive/machine imagery in the last half.

>Morning Song

>When morning...
the dawn violently triumphs over the night, causing it to bleed (decaying) rust
>When the glacial...
the stars: cold, dead, beautiful, frozen, and damp
>Flee from the sun ...
The sun is leonine, "growling honey on light" is really wonderful here,
>Then the realm of soft blankets and warm nest of beds is abandoned:
humans as animals, nesting, humans are soft
>The gummy spider web of sleep and the yawning varnish of dreaming evaporates.
gummy like eyes and mouths after sleep, "yawning varnish of dreaming" is really really evocative and good soundplay
>Roosters, watches, the aquatic song of the showers, bread, the mint foam that embalms the mouths, the pores of dawn that breath coffee-with-milk:
don't like "aquatic song" - i know showers are aquatic, doesn't add anything new, likewise bread doesn't add much, "embalms the mouths" is a bit showy. Love everything else in this line : )
>All of them summon humanity to rise up and sculpt their survival.
Fuck! You see what I mean about mythical/godlike? humanity is summoned! to sculpt their survival! Shit!
>Homes spit anthills in the streets: the nation's blood, human erythrocytes;
Insect-like/hive-like humans are the nation's red blood cells (maybe consider changing erythrocytes to something less technical? may be the intended effect - I had to look it up :/ )
>Lives come and go, swarms of eyes, busy bee-hives of minds on trains and buses.
more insect talk - love the soundplay of buzzing sounds (lives swarms of eyes busy bee-hives of minds). Like and wonder about the sudden stopping at "trains and buses" - as if man's culture is intruding on nature
>Each craft is valuable, all sweat is the elixir of dignity, each function a cosmos:
Yes, necessary! "all sweat is the elixir of dignity" is really cool - "each function a cosmos" yes! complexity goes down to every level, from the largest to the smallest -
>Tractors and taxis, asphalt and crops, shoe-glue and soy, hoes and pens, Injection molding machines
I wonder about these comparisons: seems like rural/urban split? except "injection molding machines and computers"? that one seems odd man out
>And computers, cattle and excavators, cement and paper - all of them are vital parts:
also odd man out is cement and paper? which one is rural and which one urban?
>Each worker is a cell in the body of the country; the raspberry daybreak prays for all.
Boom! Thesis reached - but I don't think I need it - the images speak for themselves, in a lot of ways - just a thought. "The raspberry daybreak prays for all" is so fucking tight, hahaha!