/lit/ - Literature

Life is nothing but suffering with very little joy to gain from it. Some people are born in great conditions that shield them from the suffering that reality truly has to offer so why should these people have a voice to speak on how happiness comes later in life? All i have are bad memories and a lonely future in my life and nothing comes remotely close to having what others have no matter how much money i manage to gain. Why not end it all and skip the rest of the suffering in my life? There has been no times in my life were i felt all the suffering i've survived was worth this little bit of fleeting happiness. Why continue just to suffer more? Life has become so bleak that i've started self harming by smashing my fingers with a hammer and smashing my head into the wall just to escape haunting memories of the past like all of my failures and fuck ups. Thoughts of the future are no better because in every scenario i can think of i turn out lonely because i was born under certain circumstances where i was cursed to turn out the way i am, i was fucked from the start. All of these thoughts make me want to harm others and kill myself. The physical pain i feel has become synonyms with something good because i can finally escape all these horrible thoughts and just experience a little bit of physical pain. That little bit of physical pain feels so much better then what life has given me, I no longer want to think about my past, present or future anymore. I can't control these emotions like i use to and the illusion of "normal" i was able to project to others is falling apart, I can't do it anymore. I now have fantasies of driving knives into my eyes, slitting my wrists, slicing my neck, and smashing my skull in with a hammer and it brings me so much optimism and happiness that i can finally put my life to rest. The thought of my skull caving in and the sound my bones crunching and breaking apart give me so much joy. I don't know how to come back from this and i no longer have control over these emotions so why should i continue? There is no such thing as "normal" for me anymore and nothing has given me any sense of joy other then self harm for the last year and a half. Socializing, Family, Music, Drawing, Books, Video games, Television, food, sex, porn, success, money, Nothing feels good or ever felt worth doing in my entire life. I don't want anything anymore because nothing makes me feel good, I just want to die.