/lit/ - Literature

For having good taste in music I'll try my best to help you out. The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy is generally seen as a very positive, life-affirming book. It's hilarious and it's one of my favorites.
What's going on though? Why do you feel like ending your life?

>>18305630
Infinite Jest is unironically a great book about depression and suicide anon. I'm not sure if its explicitly helpful about it but you will at least feel understood and have a good laugh about it. Hope things get better.

>>18305649
I feel like I've dug myself into a hole over the past few years that I'm not going to be able to get myself out of. I was addicted to speed for a while and then after finally getting off that I got hooked on benzos which I've been trying to get off and it's a nightmare. Whenever I try reducing my dose I get extreme anxiety, paranoia and muscle twitches that make me incapable of even functioning properly.

I've had depersonalization/derealization for years too and I have huge gaps in my memory that I can't get back. Every year it gets worse despite all of my efforts to go back to just being normal. I feel like my mind has been ruined and that I'm always going to feel like this. It makes me feel guilty because I have a supportive family and good friends but everyday is just exhausting. I feel stuck at the moment and I don't know if there's any way for me to get out of the mess I've put myself in.

I was planning on going back to school next year but I don't know if I'll be able to handle it being like this.

Thank you very much for the rec anon I'll check it out. I'm going to. download all the recs I get in this thread to my kindle.

>>18305672
Thank you for the rec anon. I read some of DFW's essays and enjoyed them so I'll probably like infinite jest. I'll add it to my kindle.

>>18305722
I'm >>18305649 and I think >>18305672 's rec is probably more pertinent for you honestly. Give that a whirl.

I've never had to suffer with addiction but I've suffered for years with psychological problems and I can relate in my own way to what you seem to describe. I often feel like I don't know how much longer I can hang on and like I keep falling back into the same routine of pain over and over. It truly is exhausting.
Of course I'm not trying to say I fully understand your situation but it resonates strongly with me.
We're each on our own path and I don't know if I can offer anything meaningful to you but I'd like to try. One day not long ago I was able to name a core aspect of my problems and when I did that I was not cured but I suddenly felt more lucid than I had in years. I felt more firm, more in control of myself. Maybe that's something that could help you. Obviously the primary issue is drugs, but why? and then for that answer; why? Down into the core of yourself. Find the name for that thing.
It may not even feel good to do, but it will put you face to face with an element of your problems. Doing that grants some kind of strange peace and lucidity, as though you're looking into your own mind from up high.

I wish you the best of luck.

>>18305788
I only started using drugs in the first place to mask the way I usually feel and to come off as normal to other people. Once I'm off them I know it's going to be potentially worse than it was before and I don't know if it's worth even trying. I know I'm just digging myself deeper into a hole the more I abuse them but it's the only thing that's keeping me together right now. I'm scared of how much worse I might be once I'm off them.

You're right about going to the core of the problem and figuring out what it is. I feel like there was something traumatic that happened to me that set the dissociating off, but now I can't remember what it was. I don't have a core identity anymore, just fragments of an identity and masks that I put on for other people to hide how empty I really feel inside. I feel like I'm wearing someone else's skin the majority of the time.

It's hard to stay motivated and optimistic when I don't see anything around me worth pursuing, especially when the way people around me live seems so inhuman. The things that people tell me will make me happy just seem like lies. There's no way to fix this externally, it's all just in my mind which makes it so hard to fix. It feels like my personality is wired a certain way and that I have no control over where I'm headed.

Thank you for the advice anon, I really appreciate it, and it's nice to find someone who feels somewhat similar on here too. I need to look inside and find what the real root issue is before it's too late.

>>18305630
Memoirs of Hadrian.

>>18306500
Thanks anon. Looks interesting.

>>18305630
pynchon

>>18305630
The Gay Science

>>18306598
Thanks anon. I've read some of it already, it's pretty good so far.

>>18306576
What's the easiest Pynchon to start with?

>>18305930
I know most of /lit/ will hate me for saying this but have you considered going to therapy? Specifically a therapist who deals with the specific issues you're talking about; drug abuse, dissociation, maybe depression as well.
>>18306639
Crying of Lot 49.

>>18305630
Books won't help you at all. Just do whatever you want.

>>18306979
I talked to two therapists and a psychiatrist before but it never went anywhere, I always felt worse after talking to them. I probably should've found someone who dealt with those specific issues and had some sort of program instead of just talking. All I got was empty platitudes and recommendations to try meditating.

>>18305630
Winter in the Blood by James Welch

>>18307091
Yeah, you got bullshit. Let me tell you a little secret. If you want a good therapist they're typically going to be operating in higher cost brackets. Don't panic though, there are tricks to get them to lower their rates.
Find a good therapist in your area who deals with your specific issues. Call their office during business hours and inquire as to whether or not they're taking new patients. They always are. Inquire what the rate is, even if you know and even if it's way too much. When the receptionist tells you the rate just say something to the effect of "Oh. That's kinda beyond my means." The call will probably end awkwardly. Sit and wait. If they're a good therapist they'll almost always call back (within that day if not within an hour or two) with a lower offer. If they don't you probably wouldn't want this person as a therapist anyway.

This is not uplifting at all, in the slightest, but “Studies in Pessimism,” by Arthur Schopenhauer is genuinely so cathartic and comforting to read, and even more comforting to listen to. I discovered it recently and now I know why this man was so influential. (I would be careful listening to this though if you’re in a really bad headspace though, I would be remiss if I didn’t say that.)

https://youtu.be/-xPqPu4KT4o

Jordan Peterson’s lectures and talks on YouTube, in spite of being trolled here, are mind-blowingly profound and spirit-lifting.

Leo Tolstoy is excellent and life-affirming, especially War and Peace and his religious works.

More than anything else though the Bible, especially the book of Matthew, cures many many many ails Anon. That and Proverbs. And the Book of Job. I very much hope you’re able to find peace Anon. <3

>>18307144
That sounds like a good idea actually, I might try that. I know there's probably good therapists out there I just need to find the right one. Did calling all of the expensive therapist like that work for you?

>>18307219
Schopenhauer is great. I read essays and aphorisms a while ago and really enjoyed it. I've also got the world as will and representation on my shelf but I haven't been motivated enough to get into it. I'll listen to some of this video tonight before going to bed. And I'll download some Tolstoy as well, I read that he was influenced by Schopenhauer so I'll probably like him.

I've never read any of the bible before and I'm not really religious but I'll give it a try.

Thank you for all the recs anon, I really appreciate it.

>>18307143
Thanks for the rec anon, never heard of it before.

Comfy lit
>Little Women
>The Sorrows of Satan
>Anna Karenina
Philosophy lite
>Meditations
>This is It -Watts
>The Prophet -Khalil Gibran
TV/Movie
>Abstract on Netflix
>A Single Man
>Birds of Paradise
>Frasier

Just some things that got me through some dark times. Best of luck OP.

Chertertons essays.

>>18307975
In awe at the size of this lad. Absolute unit.

A confession by Tolstoy made me reject thoughts of suicide alltogether, it's a very short read as well

>>18305722
First thing, you gotta know for a fact that things absolutely get better. I had a major breakdown due to my ocd. I spent for 4+ hours in the shower. My hands looked terrible and i wanted to kms 24/7. It was a slow process but i've been able to get through this without therapist. I know your issue is more complicated but you gotta know that changing yourself is a slow and painful process. I will reccomend you to read The Last Psychiatrist, he helped me a lot with my issues.

>>18307880
Thank you anon.

Read Ecce Homo and apply it to yourself.

>>18305722
Had some vaguely similar issues with regard to depersonalisation/derealisation and just missing giant gaps of your memory. Other than therapy and crafting something akin to a support network, something that's helped me a lot through this has been reading research books - The Next Billion Users, The Mushroom at the End of the World, Life 3.0, etc. These kinds of exciting books about the world, people's specific research interests, and theories about how the world will continue to shape itself have been really rejuvenating for me to read and think about. For example, The Next Billion Users talks about pleasure vs work, and how loads of new people who are just getting connected to the internet in the global south don't use it for learning or for sales or whatever (like mega companies predict they do and use those predictions to convince investors), they watch porn and play games. Reading this kind of stuff made me feel better about whatever the fuck it is I'm doing, and gave me a bit of hope that even if it all amounts to nothing that it in and of itself is still something.

Best of luck to you anon. Brighter days ahead.