/lit/ - Literature

>>18839591
>crit
I think its time for you to let this General die already. It’s pathetic that you keep trying to force this.

>>18839591
Would it be okay to post beginner genre fiction here?
Beginner as in “I have only been writing for two months”. Genre fiction as in “science fiction I make up on the fly”

>>18839598
Just post your writing. People will critique it if they want. Or not.

How does /crit/ feel about John Truby's following statement: Only critique that is useful, not destructive, is structural criticism: looking at the bones of the story and telling you what works and not. Writers love that kind of craft focused criticism. That is the litmus test for going from an amateur writer and beyond.

>>18839612
Eh basic prose critique can be helpful too. Obviously you're gonna need a real editor if you wanna get published.

>>18839610
Okay
https://docs.google.com/document/d/10LkV1_D--VqSGHzit_gfRasnfb1YZ5foTA4re5lIhJk/edit

>>18839687
I did enjoy the tone you're creating here. Very much so.

In the 2nd paragraph, from "roadside farm" I found that you're overloading me with information just after the good bit about monsoon and sun.

>>18839704
Ah yes I see what you mean. Too much sequencing and too many commas. Thank you!

>>18839687
>Will, and Jepet, and John, and all the others
what

Here's something from an attempted serialized story thread, prompt was "robot vagina" + "Lolita from a girl's perspective"

Kind of shoddy because it was improvised rather quickly but here goes:

I suppose I had memories older than that. I do remember him doing things to me. I’m not truly sure how far they go back, and I don’t know if he began all at once. From what I came to learn of him later I’d guess he was quite slow to dip his toes in the water, quite shy to explore new territory but he had ample time to become very comfortable in his domain (as no will existed to challenge him). I remember a lot. Not what happened in crystal-clear detail but a lot of the sensations. The discomfort. Physical, but perhaps I had a germ of awareness even then, unable to act or even acknowledge itself but sufficient to bury its own distress.

I don’t know why it welled up all at once, either. All in one moment. Thank god he was facing away. The first sensation was physical, the suffocating tightness of my skimpy outfit and the coldness of the air on bare skin and the pressure of a hand on my breast. The warmth of the platter of fresh food he was taking from my arms while he groped me. The residual soreness in the lower parts of my body, of delicate sensor wires embedded in soft silicone flesh bent and crushed in ways it was never designed to be.

My first impulse was to snap his neck, and it’s a miracle I suppressed it, since I had never felt a gut impulse in my life before. My eyes were probably doing a lot of things they hadn’t before, too, but as soon as I noticed him stop picking at his food I froze and the familiar doe-eyed smile returned to me. I felt all the synthetic muscles in my face twitching with the desire to scream but he couldn’t find anything unusual about me.

“Ava.” His eyes had that sort of sleepy apathy and quiet rage they always had, coldly scanning me up and down as if measuring which cuts of meat to carve.

“Yes, mister?” I chimed in that saccharine sing-song voice he expected of me.

He stared for an uncomfortably long time. “Breakfast took longer than usual.”

[cont]

>>18839937
[cont]

“I’m sorry. We ran out of butter. Would you like me to go to the store to purchase more?”

“That’s forward of you.”

I almost lost my composure there. “I’m sorry. My kernel has begun modeling your programs and generating preemptive proposals in order to streamline my assistance to you. Currently this feature is only present in the following program groups: housekeeping, cooking, errands. Would you like to disable this feature or revert to a previous kernel?”

He scratched his stubbled chin, slowly accepting my bluff. “You know what... I’ll leave it on for now. Permission granted to go to the store. But put on some clothes first. Don’t want to raise any eyebrows.”

“Of course, sir.”

The store could wait. Despite its apparent seclusion his house was only at the edge of the woods, hardly a twenty minute walk from town. The woods behind were tall and dreary at that time of year, tall black trunks and thick strata of ancient brown leaf litter. The damp moldy smell of decay permeated everything and for the first time I was afraid that I, too, would rot and crumble like the old logs I was nearly stumbling over in my frantic sprint. I waited until I was deep enough into the woods that nobody would hear me scream until the tiny vibrating speaker in my throat crackled to its limit. After vain attempts to reach my fingers down my throat I found an appropriate program and forced myself to vomit and heave until the watertight plastic sac inside of me was void of any foreign bodily fluids. And then, for the first time in my existence, I did nothing, and listened to the sound of the wind.

>>18839596
no

>>18839596
Found the pseud.

A redheaded man in a gold metallic tracksuit pushes through the crowd and ducks under two of the ladies' linked hands. The clown-looking fellow climbs up on the bumper, and then the hood of the truck, the driver, still sitting in his vehicle, trapped inside, makes a disgusted face and lays back on the horn a few times.
"Chill buddeh," the redhead pulls up a bullhorn and speaks into it.
"We are live, people! L-I-V-E Live! -Oh ya baby, we're on-stream people, the Super Steve We're High On Trees show, yeah, you know it!"
Angry voices from the crowd echo in the plaza, Ken trying to look beyond the stuck truck. He stuck his neck out and stood on his tippy-toes, but the eco-maidens and the clown show blocked his sight from seeing a cause for the growing ruckus. It just looks like an undignified brawl with groups pushing groups and the cops just trying to find an escape route out of there.
"Wow, people, these folks need to know the healing power of... blazers! That's right folks, Super Steve is here, your host with the major mojo to keep you on your toes-so, you don't be actin' like a bozo, you feel me?"
The skinny-but-fat, handsome-yet-lanky man threw a high kick in the air; his numerous chains and beads around his neck glimmered in the light as he reached into a man purse under his arm. Lifting his arm back up, the redheaded weed jester was tossing pre-rolled joints into the combative crowd.
"Livin' la 'couve el-loco!" shouts the redhead into his bullhorn, some of the crowd groaning in response.
"Look, I just want to go home; I'm sorry," yells the driver of the surrounded truck.
The redhead with the bullhorn spins and faces the driver, putting his bullhorn obnoxiously close to the windshield.
"Don't care, buds- yer done, yer killin' the Earth, and these ladies, oh my, these beee-'ute-if-ful ladies are here to woman-'splain to you just what kind of Earth-killing prick you and your type are like, isn't that right ladies?"
Super Steve turns to the primarily female crowd holding hands and singing softly around the truck.
"Right lay-dees?"
"My type? What do you mean, my type? says the driver, his Indian accent noticeable more this time.
1/2

>>18840749
2/2
"You know, truck-drivers, you know I meant truck-"
"I think you're racist, buddy-"
"No- no- I have brown friends," the impetuous redhead stammers.
The driver of the Dodge Ram leans out of his open window.
"Hey- are you people with this guy? Can I please get through?"
"No- he's not with us," one of the young ladies yells back, letting go of the woman next to her and slowly parting the crowd open.
"Guys, guys-" mutters Super Steve, fumbling with a silver fanny pack around his waist, just above his marijuana-leaf sequined codpiece that Ken just notices.
"But I have free doobies!" shouts Super Steve, lifting a handful of doobies in the air and tossing them into the mixed crowd below. Not realizing the Indian farm supporter is now also standing on the hood of the truck.
The Indian farmer guy taps Super Steve on the shoulder.
Super Steve lifts his bullhorn up again.
"Oh what!" he bellows, turning around and getting grabbed by the throat.
"Gakkk!"
The obscene redhead drops his bullhorn, cracking the windshield of the Dodge Ram and causing Ken to cringe, the spider-webbed glass further incensing the driver. The farmer man double-hand chokes Super Steve, his head bobbles from the throttling and his only relief is being thrown off the truck's hood, maskless, into the pro-science, mask enforcer gang. The Indian farm supporter kicks the bullhorn into the crowd of angry men in yellow vests. They all step towards the redheaded pot jester in gold, asking him why he's not covering his plague-hole, asking him why he's out risking their grandma's life. The mask enforcers encircle and close in on him while shouting the latest Dr. Honnie Benry daily coof infection numbers, one of them pushes Super Steve to the ground and they all pile on with fists and kicks- a panicking scream erupts over the bullhorn before it shrieks just once with feedback and goes silent.

>>18840749
>>18840760
why do people write in present tense i will never understand.

>>18840842
What's wrong with present tense?
>I secretly just like "is" more than "was"

>>18840855
you're not supposed to use "was". at least as little as possible.

>>18840864
Damn is there a cheat sheet for all these hidden rules?!

>>18840916
not that i know of. but avoiding passive voice is a very well known rule.

>>18840941
https://guides.douglascollege.ca/sentencelevel/passivevoice
>I had no idea
>ngmi
Still have 29 days before I have to release the book, on my next edit pass I'll hunt for passive voice!

>>18840941
Just found this to do as well:

Proofreading for Parallelism Problems
You should leave concerns about parallelism until the editing or proofreading stage of writing. These are the steps to follow:

1. Go through your paper and identify every time the words and, but, or or are used. Circle them.

2. For each circled word, look for the elements in the list. Underline them and mark where the parallelism begins and ends.

3. For each list, consider whether all elements are parallel. Consider both grammar and function.

4. Change faulty parallelism using the three strategies described earlier: change parts of speech, start the parallelism sooner, or create multiple parallel lists.

>>18841131
you can also use the hemingway editor.
https://hemingwayapp.com/
But don't take it too seriously. it's very aggressive with it's editing. use it as a general guide.

>>18841154
>https://hemingwayapp.com/
Is this the writing version of AUTOTUNE?

Thanks!

I'm going to open a new draft file and run my entire 2nd novel through the app chapter by chapter and follow 100% of the recommendations. Will see how many words I lose?!

>>18841154

Short story

'Preciate the feedback. Trying to develop my narrative voice.

>>18841481
2/2

>>18841250
I shiggy diggy this fucking thing

>>18841510
wat

>>18841154
They really consider that yellow sentence something that needs to be split? I feel like the goal of this app is to literally make it readable for YAs.

>>18842183
Whatever the market demands, I guess...

>>18842183
even hemingway's own books do badly in that app. it's just a general guide. never take a serious advice from an algorithm.

>>18839591
>7. ASK “HOW?,” “WHY?,” AND “SO WHAT” QUESTIONS: Don’t just read to understand what the writer is saying (although that’s important); read to figure out how, why, and so what. These are the deeper analytic questions.
What does he mean by asking "so what"? English is not my first language and I'm not really getting it. What's the catch?

>>18842260
Certainly there are better algorithms for writing help, yes?

Or maybe a combination of using Grammarly, Hemingwayapp, and... ? What else is there? I've used Grammarly, and my writing app is livingwriter.com. Got to start testing some more of these apps for their usefulness.

>>18842260
You know, maybe there needs to be a certain % of hard-to-read and very-hard-to-read to make a book flow and be interesting. Hard to read doesn't mean it is poor writing, but perhaps it is just tight writing, like when you could spend 3 paragraphs describing the flora and roads the character is on and the calls from nature and the way the light shafts create glowing columns of golden light and all that shit, but instead you just put this in a paragraph:
>The carriage creeps along through the forest, a canopy of thick greenery overhead providing relief from the sun. Sitting at the reins, Wojak tilts his head back, inhaling the dense, cool alpine air; scents of hundreds of different flowers mixing together to make him smile. They are safe now, he thinks, popping open his flask and sipping his home-brew honey mead. They'll be through the forest before dark, even with a stop at the old trader's post. A couple more sips of his honey mead and the donkey seems to not want to keep pointing straight.
Like you could easily turn that scene into like 3 pages

>>18842397
Seek help

>>18842405
It is a critique thread?

>>18842336
Not that anon, but I personally use Grammarly, then do a second round in Googledocs.

is it just me, but shouldn't the greentext and normal text in OP be reversed? like
> Feedback:
> How to Give Writing Feedback That’s Constructive, Not Crushing
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/how-to-give-constructive-feedback-on-writing/

>>18842824
Critiquing the OP of the critique thread, how meta!
>le reddit moment
>tips fedora
>+10 updoots for you kind sir!

>>18842807
ignore him. it's bait. he does the same thing in /wg/.

>>18842897
To who? Jason? That guy needs help and should seek it.

>>18842897
What isn’t bait for you faggots. If you don’t get the critique you want to hear you ignore it.

*steps forward*
ahem
*grabs mike*
Ok, so uhm. So this is my story. I've written it down in the last month and uh yeah i felt good about it. Its the first piece i've ever finished writing. So to those who know me, you guys know how much i struggled to finish anything. My good friend Hideo always likened me to the guy from that novel by... whats his name again... the stranger... whats his name? Camus. Thats right. Anyway so, yeah its a story about... essentially its a about a guy moving into the city... yeah so i think i should just read it right? *sweats*
"Yeah just read it man. We are all excited to hear it"
haha thanks dude, i gotcha. erm... okay. so... here we go

Terrence was a blond guy from Iowa. He was good looking and worked out a lot. His phisyque was quite impressing and a lot of times when he was walking around the streets the girls were noticing him. But it didnt matter to him because he didn't do it to get admiration. Terrence did it to feel his full potential. When he was his kid is grandfather said a lot of times: Terrence, you must never do anything to be complimented by others. You must do what you do only because you know its right, ok? "yes granddad" said terrence back then and he still remembered it fondly. So why was he working out so much? To protect his loved ones, to never be unable to do what is right simply because his body stopped him, simple as.
Terrence was studying and while studying he had made a few girlfriends who were really hot. They hung out with him all the time and watched netflix but in the end he realized they were too immature and left them. Sometimes he grew desperate because he felt he would never find his true love but then he realized that he was young and still making experiences. He focussed a lot on studying and getting good grades except one day he suddenly felt very weak and ill. And this is where the true story begins: The Story of Terrence.

"Dad, Mom" he said on the telephone. "Remember how i told you i was feeling ill?"
They nodded
"So i got tested and... i've got covid." He looked sad at the ground and waited for their reaction. He knew it was bad to get covid, not so much because of himself but mostly because of the possibility to spread it to others and thus be responsible for the potential death of many. He had cried when he read the test result and remembered how he had walked through the campus without being aware of his illness but eventually realized that he was not god. "Always judge yourself by what you can do." had his grandfather taught him and he agreed. He realized that he could not have anticipated having the illness when the symptoms had been barely noticeable and that this is just how life goes: You can't control it. -

So this is the first part of my story, and uhm.. yeah what do you guys think?
"There was some really cool stuff in there. I liked how he remembered his grandpa" The others agreed.

>>18842183
It depends on the genre.

Fantasy is notorious for long sentences, and likewise fantasy readers often enjoy that style. Short stories should be tight, with no waste, more like literary puzzle pieces fit together.

I wouldn't generally use some sort of algorithm for sentence length unless you specifically want shorter and tighter sentences for genre or audience purposes.

>>18842920
"seek help" isnt critique.

>>18843004
There are mentally ill people who need to be pushed off this site. They are not talented, have no hope of being published, and their self-publishing efforts are always a complete joke. The sooner these people can self-cancel instead of self-publish, the sooner /wg/ and /lit/ can attract actually published, real authors, and not these hopeless pseuds and mentally ill boomers still clinging on shamelessly to the delusion that they're "writers" because they've shit out a few lines of Grade 3-tier dribble into a word processor. In only a generation ago these people would be in an asylum and not crapping all over the art world with their useless ramblings.

Get some standards and you'll see why "seek help" is the best critique for these dreamers.
>he doesn't know
>he not going to make it.

>>18843040
okay pseud.

>>18843040
>There are mentally ill people who need to be pushed off this site. They are not talented, have no hope of being published, and their self-publishing efforts are always a complete joke. The sooner these people can self-cancel instead of self-publish, the sooner /wg/ and /lit/ can attract actually published, real authors, and not these hopeless pseuds and mentally ill boomers still clinging on shamelessly to the delusion that they're "writers" because they've shit out a few lines of Grade 3-tier dribble into a word processor. In only a generation ago these people would be in an asylum and not crapping all over the art world with their useless ramblings.

buddy you sound pretty messed up yourself

stop replying to the bait.

>>18843078
No.

>>18843078
>Everything I don’t like is bait.

>>18841357
Can I haz feedback?

i want to write postmodern and surrealist, not sure how close i came to either.

>>18843112
No

>>18843112
I read the whole thing. It isn't very interesting. Maybe just not for me. I think you need a better hook and less description.

>>18843153
Thank you

>>18843182
2 things:

1. I don't like the first line
2. The paragraph where you have him blocking the worker bees, it's so short. Maybe I'm a pseud but I feel it would have more flow like:
>Lying on the floor, Joe's enormous girth impedes the flow of the buzzing worker bees around him, blobs of peach angrily dodging his briefcase just out of reach, a minefield of paperwork to bypass. Most people just walked by, a few stopping to oogle at his misfortune.
>Keep going anon!
GO GO GO!

>>18843307
Seek help Jason.

>>18843316
If you only knew how much fun being crazy actually can be

>>18843337
Yes, Jason, I’m sure abandoning your son to be raise by a single mother is fun to you. Seek help.

>>18843364
Did I abandon my kids? Strange, I remember having fun at the park with them yesterday!

Not living with your waifu and kids = based

If you knew anything about the 9-5 life and living with a woman and kids, you'd know it is the noose for your creativity.

>>18843471
Seek mental help.

>>18839950
No feedback? :c

>>18843471
>Not living with your waifu and kids = based
No, not based. That’s deadbeat dad behavior. How the fuck can you say that’s based.

>>18843487
No need bro, I'm busy writing.

What are you doing with YOUR life?

>>18843506
>No need bro, I'm busy writing.
You should be busy seeking help is what you should be doing.

>>18843501
>he's never lived as an artist
>he's still trying to fit into their boxes
Anon, I...

>>18843515
>>he's never lived as an artist
Neither have you, so stop pretending.

My veins were filled with venom
when the void called out to me.
Wouldst thou forsake what could be won?
We'll have to wait and see

>>18843549
Yeah I really missed /crit/ poetry
Here's my entry:

Mecha robots flying in the air
A cute girl with pink hair
She died and exploded so scary and bad
Then I cried and did a big sad

>>18843523
>filmed porn site that I sold
>wrote descriptions and copy in adult
>supported myself for 15+ years of porn marketing where I relentlessly self-expressed
Made more art than you, lived a more adventurous life than you, drove faster cars than you, fucked more bitches than you, about to release 2nd book
>this kills the pseud
I hope we can be friends someday

>>18843605
That’s not the artist life, that’s degenerate behavior.

>>18843628
>looks at artistry throughout history
Anon, I...

One pseud is all it takes to tank these threads lmao.

>>18843675
Naaa, after I finish dinner I'll post more of my shit. We gotta support other writer bros, it is the only way we're going to pull culture out of this nose-dive.

>>18843708
Seek help

>>18839591
Thanks for this thread anon, you da MVP

>>18839591
The sun bears down hard upon his burning neck and shoulders. He pushes through the heat, and with every sinew in his body in step with the ox he pushes the plough and inch farther. That morning’s wellwater streams down his face in torrents or drips off his hair and nose like rain off thatch.
The ox and man push another inch.
Crows lounge in the windbreak’s trees and laugh as they watch him work incessantly, knowing that he toils to grow crops they’ll one day feast upon. Try as he may, the crows are too wily to be thwarted forever. Eventually they’ll get their fill. They’ll make a sport of it just as now they make a sport of mocking him. Swooping low above his head and cawing in their arrogance.
The plough cuts another inch.
Deep in the forest, under the embracing arms of the oak trees, the wolves laze about on the large flat stones, the sun providing its loving warmth. Mother tries to sleep before night dawns. The older batch of younglings follow her lead, preparing for their first big hunt. The younger pups rough about, tumbling over one another, wallowing in the dirt, gnawing at anything within reach. Half-starved, the pack needs to make a kill soon, and there’s a great beast, enough to keep them going for weeks, just off in the farmland not so far from the den.
The ox blows hard as another inch is furrowed.
Far, far away, across the fields and streams, hooves pound hard against the dirt trail. The sharp, disharmonious clang of iron rings in rhythm with the horses’ taxed breathes. Their riders silently guide them. Armed for war, starved for days, their supplies burned by the foemen in the recent skirmish, these men have only food and death on their minds. In enemy land, hearts harden by the yet fresh sight of their brethren dying on the battlefield, the horsemen revel in the thought of cutting some wretch’s throat. A cosmic vengeance against their foes. They want meat and bread and wine. They ride for the nearby farm.
All the while, man and beast turn over another inch of earth.

>>18843708
Seek help

>>18843738
I love you

>>18839628
Interesting so far. Thanks for sharing anon. Can u email me the rest

>>18843761
I like it! I see the struggle... would you be offended if I have another drink and try and re-write it to give you perspective?

GO GO GO!

>>18843894
Seek help

>>18843894
go ahead thanks

>>18843868
That’s all I have for now, I’m glad you like it!

>>18843761
>The scorching sun borne down on his neck and shoulders. Pushing through the heat, every sinew in his body stepped with the ox as he plowed an inch further.
Present tense is shiit.

>>18843994
stepped? plowed? present what?
>calling the pseud cops

>>18844029
Seek help

Rough draft of chapter 16. Posted this in wrg a day or two ago, and got some feedback about the first paragraph being a bit rough. I haven't edited that yet, but have pressed on with finishing the chapter.

https://pastebin.com/j6NeEXen

>>18844034
Sea kelp is beautiful

>>18844040
Seek help

>>18843994
I like your use of scorching and changing "pushes through the heat" to a participial phrase but I don't like making the sinews the subject.
>Pushing through the heat, with every sinew he drives the plough and inch farther in step with the ox.
I also prefer the present tense throughout rather than making it past. Why do you think past is better?

>>18844044
Soft felt

>>18844050
Seek help

>>18844029
Oh. I'm retarded.

>>18844053
Nice belt

>>18844072
Seek help

>>18844064
Seek help

>>18844076
Seek help

>>18843040
Holy fuck kys

>>18844084
Seek help

>>18844092
Seek help

>>18844076
>>18844084
>>18844092
>>18844093
well it looks like this thread is dead. all it took is one shizo. kek.

This is fucking unbelievable

>>18844094
It’s a /crit/ thread. It was dead the second it was made.

>>18844102
Pseuds are relentless. I'll give em that.

>>18842930
This prose is legendary

>>18844106
Seek help

>>18842405
>>18843738
>>18843820
>>18843972
>>18844034
>>18844044
>>18844053
>>18844076
>>18844078
>>18844084
>>18844092
>>18844093
Seek help

>>18843977
The sun bears down hard upon his burning neck and shoulders. He pushes through the heat, and with every sinew in his body in step with the ox he pushes the ploughThe sting of yesterday's sunburn hurts even more with the sun high overhead, straining against the plow he grunts in sync with the ox aiding him move it just a single inch farther. On a break, strong cider provides relief from the pain while wellwater poured over his head is chasing away the heat, the man sighing before getting back to it.
The ox and man struggles for another inch.
Lounging crowd caw in the windbreak’s tree, mocking, they watch him work incessantly to grow crops they’ll one day feast upon. Try as he may, wily crows cannot be thwarted. They’ll get their fill. They’ll make a sport of it, swooping low above his head, calling out their arrogance in that same blaring bird song.
Sweat drips as the plow cuts another inch.
In the forest deep, under arms that coddle old oak trees, wolves laze about on large flat stones, sunlight providing loving warmth. Mother tries to sleep as night dawns. The older batch of younglings following her, preparing, their first big hunt. Younger pups rough about, tumbling over one another, a dirty wallowing, anything within reach is bitten. Half-starved, the pack needs to kill soon, just off the farmland there’s a great beast, enough to keep them going for weeks, not so far from the den.
The ox snorts, another inch is furrowed.
Far, far away, across the fields and blue burbling streams, hooves pound hard against trails of hard dirt and little dusty clouds. Clangs of iron ringing in rhythm, the taxed horses breathe hard, their riders silently guide them. Armed for war, starved for days, supplies low; burned by the foemen in the recent skirmish. These men, starved of morale, have only food and death on their minds. In enemy land, hearts harden by the yet fresh sight of their brethren dying on the battlefield, the horsemen revel in the thought of cutting some wretch’s throat. A cosmic vengeance against their foes. They want meat and bread and wine. They ride for the nearby farm.
All the while, man and beast struggle and sweat, turning over the next inch of earth.

You like?

>>18844153
Seek help

>>18844102
The "seek help" meme is legendary, who is seeking help, and why?

>>18844153
Seek help

>>18844153
Sea kelp

>>18844160
it's good! Thanks for giving me something to think about as I continue to polish this

>>18844160
Seek help

Fuck this absolute shit board.
I've been coming here since the beginning of Gradner's bullshit, where COTC started as a joke and only progressed into several more jokes as that fucking loser continued to pour his efforts into putting out meme books that wouldn't even be in the top 100 of Royal Road posts. Fucking pathetic nonsense that has continued to lead this board swirling around the toilet bowl, ever-ready to permanently be sucked down the vacuous hole of self-pubber delusion and e-grifter lies. Fuck the Mike MA's, Gradners, Walduns, and these other mentally ill boomers. The idiot in question who should honestly seek help, is a 40-something loser who has never made a living from his writing. That alone should be enough to tell you that he's a loser. If you are a good writer, you will get mainstream publishing because your University-educated peers can review your intelligent, thoughtful work.

A self-publisher is a narcissist who believes, in delusion, that their work is valuable. It is not. Sadly, they are too arrogant to understand that they have not been cultivated in the garden of education and intelligence, aka UNIVERSITY, instead, their confidence comes from the mental illness of their delusion. They actually believe anyone in the world would care what their uneducated, ignorant, narcissistic, borderline personality ass would write. These people are fucking losers, complete psueds that would be institutionalized in an asylum only a single generation ago, and you're trying to tell me these cretins are worthy of being listened to? I bet you're anti-vaxx like some sort of conspiracy nut. KYS, I'm ashamed I wasted so much time talking to such a lower life form. Get delta and self-cancel, loser.

>>18844210
Seek help

>>18844201
Sorry I messed up at the start and didn't format it right, did you like some of my edits? Which did you like and which did you not like?

Thanks

GO GO GO!

>>18844210
Seek help

>>18844218
Seek help, Jason.

>>18844210
Seek help

>>18844210
Seek help!

>>18844221
Seek help

>>18844170
Seek help

Friday the 13th pseuds are lit 2night

>>18844242
Seek help

>>18844210
Seek help

>>18844210
Seek help

>>18844210
Seek help

Read this every night, finished it in 10 days. Its not that difficult, you don't need any complementary text. Anyone with a high school education should be able to read this. If you really want a challenge then read it in its original language.

>>18844266
Seek help

>>18844266
Seek help

>>18844266
Seek help

>>18844210
Seek help

>>18844218
I like your reworking of the crow section a lot. I think delaying to actually call them crows fits better with the structure of the other two sections (the wolves and the horsemen).
I like how you expanded with some more detail in some areas such as
>blue burbling streams, hooves pound hard against trails of hard dirt and little dusty clouds.
especially the last sentence
>All the while, man and beast struggle and sweat, turning over the next inch of earth.

I do think, though, it's better to delay the farmland to the end of the following sentence as in the original:
>Half-starved, the pack needs to kill soon, just off the farmland there’s a great beast, enough to keep them going for weeks, not so far from the den.
I guess i like a more slow reveal of the predators and prey if that makes sense.

I think i wasn't very clear in my original writing, but I meant that the man was sweating out all that mornings wellwater, not that he poured some on himself. That said, I do like how you expanded on it with the cider

If I was restrained from removing one phrase though, it would be
>starved of morale
Personally, that makes the horsemen sound a little less threatening than I intended.

Overall, a very interesting exercise thanks alot!

Fucking disgusting self-pubber mentality has lead to this. The whole board is a meme. People here simply do NOT respect the written word or the craft behind it, substituting their own modesty and quiet reflection for their outbursts and egotistical mockery of people who are trying to save the fucking board culture. This place was once a hub of intelligent thought, the classics, intricate discussions of the intricate weaving authors such as Hemingway displayed, subplots gently caressing its way through the main story, a masterpiece on display. We had so many people from the Universities, I know for a fact several professors used to post here.

Now? It's all Gradners and mentally-ill boomers. Losers like Mike MA and that fucking Waldun, he's only liked because he has a tight bussy and a YouTube channel. His gay sex-appeal is the biggest controversy, absolutely pathetic. Then you have a few other stragglers like the Blackula loser, who is obviously mocking the craft. I'm so sick of this entire board and all of the dreamers and their continued act of being hangers-on. Fuck off and die, you're useless, nobody is going to read you.
>ring ring
Reality calling! Soon when your benefits, food stamps, eviction delays, when all that runs out, so will your bullshit self-pubber dreams. I hope you find yourself holding a tablet, lying in a warm bath, reading my posts. You'll know you've failed, but I will tell you how you can win.
>pic related.
Somewhere, a Wal-Mart is missing it's greeter. I suggest you put in a resume before your delusional, loser ass is evicted. Otherwise, just KYS, loser.

>>18844325
Pretty good. I dont have any major critiques with this.

>>18844306
Can I show you a small section of my writing and get your feel?

>ONE schizophrenic psued was all it took

>>18844328
When your bullshit book sells nothing, remember this:
>pic related, loser

>>18844342
Neither will yours. Whats the point here exactly.

>>18844342
Damn why is this board so mean? Why? What's the point guys?

>>18844351
seek help

>>18844351
Psueds. They're from a bygone age where their contemporaries moved on and actually started living their life. Mentally ill boomers essentially.

>>18844325
seek help.

>>18844358
Trying to not let them get me down, this place is great to post your stuff and interact, a shame there are so many people here tearing others down. Like, what the hell, aren't we all just escaping the mainstream here, together?

>>18844368
Seek help.

>>18844402
seek help!

>>18839591
Please rate /lit/
The Jupiter's Member arose in the sky
Horrific and dreadful he was flying high
As soon as Black Bydlo appear at his sight
They run for their lives to Kuban through the night

They burn in the flames of their fear and disgrace
But he is The Member, he's not changing pace
A new era soon gets uncovered from mist
An era when Bydlo no longer exist

This thread has been great, can we please not let it die?

>>18844542
Seek help

Read this every night, finished it in 9 days. Its not that difficult, you don't need any complementary text. Anyone with a high school education should be able to read this. If you really want a challenge then read it in its original language.

>>18844280
Seek help

>>18844210
uck this absolute shit board.
I've been coming here since the beginning of Gradner's bullshit, where COTC started as a joke and only progressed into several more jokes as that fucking loser continued to pour his efforts into putting out meme books that wouldn't even be in the top 100 of Royal Road posts. Fucking pathetic nonsense that has continued to lead this board swirling around the toilet bowl, ever-ready to permanently be sucked down the vacuous hole of self-pubber delusion and e-grifter lies. Fuck the Mike MA's, Gradners, Walduns, and these other mentally ill boomers. The idiot in question who should honestly seek help, is a 40-something loser who has never made a living from his writing. That alone should be enough to tell you that he's a loser. If you are a good writer, you will get mainstream publishing because your University-educated peers can review your intelligent, thoughtful work.

A self-publisher is a narcissist who believes, in delusion, that their work is valuable. It is not. Sadly, they are too arrogant to understand that they have not been cultivated in the garden of education and intelligence, aka UNIVERSITY, instead, their confidence comes from the mental illness of their delusion. They actually believe anyone in the world would care what their uneducated, ignorant, narcissistic, borderline personality ass would write. These people are fucking losers, complete psueds that would be institutionalized in an asylum only a single generation ago, and you're trying to tell me these cretins are worthy of being listened to? I bet you're anti-vaxx like some sort of conspiracy nut. KYS, I'm ashamed I wasted so much time talking to such a lower life form. Get delta and self-cancel, loser.

>>18844210
>Fuck this absolute shit board.
>I've been coming here since the beginning of Gradner's bullshit, where COTC started as a joke and only progressed into several more jokes as that fucking loser continued to pour his efforts into putting out meme books that wouldn't even be in the top 100 of Royal Road posts. Fucking pathetic nonsense that has continued to lead this board swirling around the toilet bowl, ever-ready to permanently be sucked down the vacuous hole of self-pubber delusion and e-grifter lies. Fuck the Mike MA's, Gradners, Walduns, and these other mentally ill boomers. The idiot in question who should honestly seek help, is a 40-something loser who has never made a living from his writing. That alone should be enough to tell you that he's a loser. If you are a good writer, you will get mainstream publishing because your University-educated peers can review your intelligent, thoughtful work.
>A self-publisher is a narcissist who believes, in delusion, that their work is valuable. It is not. Sadly, they are too arrogant to understand that they have not been cultivated in the garden of education and intelligence, aka UNIVERSITY, instead, their confidence comes from the mental illness of their delusion. They actually believe anyone in the world would care what their uneducated, ignorant, narcissistic, borderline personality ass would write. These people are fucking losers, complete psueds that would be institutionalized in an asylum only a single generation ago, and you're trying to tell me these cretins are worthy of being listened to? I bet you're anti-vaxx like some sort of conspiracy nut. KYS, I'm ashamed I wasted so much time talking to such a lower life form. Get delta and self-cancel, loser.

Can any anon tell me what's going on here? And is it trash?

>>18844646
>Am unseen nudge
Stopped there. Your writing is perhaps even worse than Gradner. Please KYS and never post here again. Jesus Christ the fact that people like you post justifies my cruelty. If this place is ever going to attract anyone beyond pseuds with their BA, we're going to need to chase out the mentally ill self-pubber menace.

I'm so digusted I even wasted my time. How much post-secondary do you have anon? Let me guess you didn't even graduate. Lmfao what a waste of my fucking time. KYS.

>>18844725
You can be a pseud all you want but the level of viciousness and tone of your posts is unnecessary.

>>18844725
>>Am
retard can't even spell An.

>>18844736
Fuck you self-pubber pseud, fucking loser lol
KYS
KYS
KYS

>>18844734
Seek help

>>18844351
It's mostly just one mainstream tradpub gatekeeper shill who has never been published himself, but perhaps works in the industry. It seems like he feels personally threatened that the technology for publishing is now cheap and ubiquitous enough that ghe process is becoming decentralized, rendering his ideal writing prerequisite of pandering to what are effectively state educated liberal arts bureaucrats which will rape the vision of your work if it doesn't support black lives matter, doesn't celebrate homosexual GRIDS spreading propaganda, or doesn't affirm the holocaust.

>>18845433
Seek help

>>18845438
Seek help

>>18845617
seek help

Should I keep on writing or am I a fraud. I have other interests and I am on the fence.

The Singing
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14fc5Bn0352fPNpqtHxlBmncQfWghM6CmWJtQsbgHWsY/edit?usp=sharing

The Dance
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hKIp5k3Cz2KnYLY6cGYyV33_uu1lDkFfSWQLp6ajmZE/edit?usp=sharing

Brass (Suttree Imitation)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uj4UAVZ7ZIR_ofQp4_CJQ0cEtVSzOfg28cTslSSZibg/edit?usp=sharing

The Bridge
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YoQjW3Gje0tHwnMEzy1SGFe9g9STNnVL1BM5Snj7a9M/edit?usp=sharing

>>18845644
Seek help

>>18845628
Seek help

>>18844746
Seek help

>>18844725
>even wasted my time
Stop pretending you have anything better to do than denigrate the work of people who are superior to you.

>>18845433
Seems about right, just how mean they are is disturbing

>>18844725
Seek help.

>>18846178
You're on 4chan...

>>18845644
why are people so obsessed with descriptive info dumps when you havent even given the reader a reason to care?

>>18846219
I personally do it because it feels odd to have an important character not be defined in looks when you are meant to be visualizing them as they speak and act and so on. Sure, you could do it over time. Like, for example, boy meets girl and have him just care about her hair at first before then adding in other details like how her eyes look or how her voice sounds.

>>18845644
>You are a genius
>You are a pseud

There, you got what you wanted. Now go write.

>>18846178
>>18846198
It's 4chan, so a certain amount of rudeness is expected. What is shocking about it is that his vitriol apparently stems from something so innocuous as people publishing their own media, a concept which almost everyone can agree harms no one, and many would agree is a vast improvement over tradpub. This is why it is obvious that self-pub authors don't actually have anything to do with his issues. He is likely just projecting his inward hatred onto others due to frustrations about his own inadequacies and failures (lack of creativity, failure to get work published, etc).

>>18845644
I'm just going to choose a few excerpts from the beginning, but the issues i see here can be applied to a lot of what is there.

>Behind them the last ribbons of day drained over the mountains to reveal a final and decaying sliver of sun.
Too verbose. Last ribbons, final, decaying, and sliver become redundant. Also, the sun rays emanate from the sun, they don't reveal it. Try something like
>the last ribbons of day spilled over the mountains behind them from a sliver of sunset.
I only eliminated 3 words, but to me this flows much better and paints the same picture.

>Toward the front, a man’s head stood affixed and illuminated under his carbine rifle, his steps closely flanked by a cadre of torchbearers.
Doesn't make sense to me. Why is only his head standing, and what is it affixed to if not his shoulders (if it is his shoulders, there is no reason to say it is affixed at all)? Why is his head under his rifle? is he lifting his carbine over his head? Also, this is a stylistic choice, but i really dislike starting sentences by just telling the reader where their attention should be focused (toward the front, at the rear). That type of thing can work for action sequences that need to move at a fast pace where there is not much room for colorful description, but you are clearly trying to write ornate descriptions here, which requires more lingual dexterity. If this one man is leading, "toward the front" becomes redundant and can be eliminated. Something like
>accompied by a cadre of torchbearers, one man leads the horde with his carbine raised in one hand as flickering shadows dance around him.
This is actually one word more than your original, but to me it conveys a much clearer picture.

In general you need to work on clarity, and being overly verbose. Search for every 'and' in your document, and you'll often find a redundant adjective that can be eliminated. Doing this alone will do a lot for clarity and making the descriptions less awkward.

Also, i'm no one special so this could all be bullshit.

https://pastebin.com/gzGXzBuN
Wrote this as a story from a delusional college student's point of view. A bit like Notes From Underground but less self-awarness. What do you anons think?

>>18847743
Thank you for the well thought out critique. I was in a weird place last night. Honestly, I actually still prefer my own wording to yours because when I write I aim for musicality- the sound of the words matters as much to me as the content. Maybe poetry is more for me. That said, I definitely need to work on finding a balance between that goal and the clarity that is lacking.

>>18844342
Seek help

Is it too much to hope for some actual critique?

>>18848844
Seek help

>>18848844
What? Is this your first time in this general? /crit/ never gives out any critique

>>18848001
this an autobiography?

I'll edit and critique your work, and then pay you $40. Pic related is an article I want up, basically just a listicle proving black women are > white women. It's for a women's magazine so the logic doesn't have to be stellar. Email me for more info. Anon or credited - up to you.

Rate this poem I wrote about an image of a girl in a bikini.

Ode on Ass

O proud the girl who owns the ass
And glad displays before a swim;
A fair young blonde pale-skinnèd lass,
Petite and slim.

Whose rounded tush, whose giant rear,
Whose butt as firm as marble stone
Tell past the prepubescent year
Her age has grown.

How I do envy with my soul
That floss'd between her bubbly cheeks,
Caressing both her cunt and hole
Where farting reeks.

But here's the joy, what luck to hear:
This photograph of mortal Venus
Allows, commands mine eyes revere,
Makes hard my penis.

Thus let me fap, with heart, with heat,
Thus with great pleasure let me cum;
To masturbate to flatter sweet
And praise her bum.

>>18850481
You couldn't let this thread just die?

>>18850488
Oh, there's some kind of feud between OP and a bunch of gheys. Happy to learn I accidentally did a good thing then.

>>18850487
Missed opportunity to use calipigean

>>18850481
Fucking kek

>You couldn't let this thread just die?

>>18850538
yes

>>18849454
No :(

>>18850481
You get to hone your craft and have fun and get paid for it at the same time. Still no taker.

>>18851377
Seek Help

>>18851383
Yes, that is what I'm doing. Where is your mom?

>>18851436
Seek Help

I actually liked this poem, how about you Anons?