/lit/ - Literature

>>1993051
When he hood fell off, she had a look of pure terror on her face; she definitely didn't want to be seen. Not even a moment after the hood had fallen off, she had slapped the man across the face, leaving a red mark. This was answered by gasps from the people that had been watching. Some people near enough to see the incident started yelling for the man to "Give it to 'er." The man instantly grabbed her by the wrist roughly. His eyes were filled with rage.

Even Silas was interested now. In Carcino, women weren't supposed to reject a man, but to simply obey his will. Silas didn't honestly agree with these laws, but it was better to keep silent about your opinion. He turned around in his seat, and put his hand onto the side of hip, where he kept his dagger. He smirked as he watched the event play out in front of him.

The room was going wild as he held her by the wrist. The man pulled back his free arm, balling his hand up in a fist as if to hit her. Right as he was about to let the punch go, he felt a blade against his neck.

"Why don't we all just settle down now?" suggested Silas, as he held a dagger stained with dry blood at the man's throat. A rustle of chairs and tables being pushed away was heard around the room as men from Silas's mercenary group had stood up now, and were holding down some people who had become outraged at Silas's defense of the woman.

>>1993052
A cacophony of noise erupted from angry customers as they witnessed the scene before them. Silas's men were somehow able to hold them back from doing anything too violent, however; and despite all the noise and tension in the room, Silas still spoke calmly and clearly.
"Now I want you people to let the lady out of the bar. I'm sure she won't cause no more trouble after this little incident. Right?" he said, looking at the woman. She nodded, still with a look of terror in her eyes, and quickly strode out of the bar.
As soon as Silas let the man who had threatened the woman go, the brute turned around with a punch aimed at Silas's face. This was answered by Silas ducking, and hitting the man over the head with a mug of beer, knocking him out.

But Silas wasn't out of this mess yet, he still had all these people that saw him breaking a law. He had a plan, though. He stood on the rather big man's body, high enough now where everyone in the room could see him quite clearly, and said
"Ok, now that the trouble's outta the way, how about some drinks on me?!" He was answered by cheers from all of them.

>>1993058
A couple of soldiers stopped the person, who had been identified as a woman. It wasn't often that women tried to cross the border. His curiosity was peaked. He directed his horse to ride closer to the soldiers and woman, and listened in. As he looked at her a bit closer, he recognized her as the woman from the bar. He thought to himself, "She's causing more trouble already?"

"What's your business crossing the border? Where's your papers?" demanded one of the soldiers.
The woman was silent.
"Not going to answer us, eh? Well maybe we should just take you to the captain and let him have some fun with you."

As the soldiers laughed, they started to close in around her. Silas could see a scowl appear on her face as she raised her hand, which had started glowing slightly. Silas knew what was going to happen. He had seen magic before, but never spoke of it. It was a touchy subject on the continent. Most people didn't believe it, and if anyone had ever seen it, they would keep it to themselves. Anyone claiming to know or even believe in it were brought under custody, regardless of what nation they were in. Every king wanted to have magic under his control, and would apprehend anyone claiming any knowledge of it.

>>1993055
Fifteen days later, the dark haired woman jumped on the back of her horse as soon as twilight faded into night. The load she was carrying was too precious to try to smuggle during any other time. She had to sneak past the patrols on the border of her home country, Carcino, and get to a safe place on the other side.

As her horse galloped through the night, she checked the child that she had put in a small basket. The container hung off the side of her steed. The dark haired boy was asleep, despite the horribly uncomfortable ride. She continued to ride, hoping for no confrontations.

* * *
Silas and his company had been hired to patrol the borders that night. He found it to be a completely boring job, but it payed better than most considering it was funded by the king. Even the landscape was boring. All his eye could see was a flat plain, and now that it was night; he could only see the landscape due to the moon shining upon it.

He had been riding back and forth on the border for hours, and had sighted no one besides soldiers and other mercenaries. He sighed to himself, and hoped for some action soon.

As if his hope had been answered, he saw a outline in the darkness; riding through the fields near the border.

>>1993063
Silas quickly turned his head away and covered his eyes as the area was lit up by an unearthly light. When he turned back to the soldiers, they were groping around for lack of sight as the woman rode away. Silas pulled out a horn and blew, which would alert those patrolling; but would most importantly alert his company to report to him. He blew the horn, so he was out of suspicion for what he was about to do.

His company reported to him as the others on patrol chased the woman.

"Ok friends, we're taking on a free job, got it? We've already been paid for this patrol one, so it's no big deal." he told them.
"What kinda job we talkin?" questioned one of the men.
"Just a friendly little favor." He then started to talk in a quieter voice, telling them what the plan was.

* * *

The woman was panicking. She had at least a hundred men from the patrol troops chasing her. All she could do was hope they wouldn't catch up to her. As arrows reigned in from behind her, she would stop most of them with magic, but one passed through and landed in her steed's leg, making it run much slower. She cursed.

>>1993067
A soldier had ridden up beside her, pulling his sword back to strike her, but right as he was about to slash at her, an arrow pierced him through the neck and he fell off his mount.

The woman looked behind her to see what was happening. She could see the soldiers riding up to catch her, yes, but there were others among that weren't in uniform. They were riding next to the uniformed troops and cutting them off their mounts with precision. Some of the men had axes, others swords. Some were trailing behind and aiming their bows at the soldiers.

Among the men attacking the patrol was someone she recognized: the man who defended her at the bar.

* * *
Silas rode through the soldiers, slashing like a mad man at them as he neared them. If none were near him, he'd pull out his bow, string up an arrow, and see how close he could get to shooting them through the neck. When the soldiers were hit, they would scream out in surprise and terror at their sudden doom. It satisfied him to no end to hear the confirmation of a job well done.

>>1993069
After killing enough to satisfy his blood lust, he rode past them toward Fort Magtil of Faust, the country they were now in. As he neared the fort, he pulled out his horn and blew, alerting the soldiers that they were about to be attacked.

Silas's men rode to him as soon as they heard the call. He directed them to ride back over to Carcino and to continue patrolling as if nothing had happened. As he and his men rode back toward the border, the patrol soldiers continued to ride unknowingly straight to the rallying troops of Magtil.

Silas looked over his shoulder as he rode off, looking to see where the woman was, and if she had gotten away. He saw no sign of her; as the colliding forces blocked his view of anything beyond them."A shame", he thought to himself. "She was quite attractive. I would've liked to make myself more familiar with her."

As the troops from Carcino saw the approaching soldiers coming from Magtil, their hearts were filled with dread.

Once the forces collided, the Carcino troops were quickly wiped out by the superior numbers of the Fausten men.

>>1993071
The woman had taken the chance to heal her horse after the patrol was obliterated. She channeled the magic through her hand, and used it to restore the horse's flesh and muscle. She then avoided the fort as she rode to her destination, relieved.

About an hour later, the woman arrived in the village which she would leave the child in. The village was comprised of yurts, and the road through it wound in an 'S' shape. The village was simple enough, with a farm or two behind a couple of the yurts, most likely belonging to owner of the house it was near.

None of the structures she saw before her looked luxurious in the least. They were all very simple. Round bases, with wool felt covering the frames holding them up, probably bought from traders, or brought from the city when the village was first establish; as she could not see any livestock or shelters for them.

None of the yurts really caught her fancy, but she decided a beggar can't be a chooser in this situation. After surveying the village for a few moments, the woman found a rather large yurt, that looked as if it belonged to someone well off. There was only one other yurt in the village that matched its size, and that was most likely the elder's, as it was off to the side of the center of the road winding through the dwellings. She didn't particularly want the boy to be raised with a village elder, so she figured that this yurt would be the best thing for him in this less than desirable town.

>>1993075
She hopped off of her horse and got the boy out of a basket, and proceeded to walk up to the house whilst glancing around herself in a paranoid manner. Her steps were precise, as if she had chosen each one, each for its own specific reason. She walked quickly, yet smoothly as she strode up to the house; making sure to hold her child securely. She knocked on the door, and waited for an answer.

A middle aged man opened the door, holding a candle in his hand. A small boy was behind him; which looked to be about three or four years old. The man had bushy eyebrows, a full beard, and his graying brown hair was slicked back on his head. He had a certian air about him. His presence was imposing, and he was built well. Behind him, an armour rack was visible. Upon it, hung the armour of a ranking official in the Fausten military. Perhaps even a general's armour, thought the woman.

His eyes ran her over, trying to determine any information about her he could. As soon as he saw the child, he could guess what she was there for. The woman before him was wearing an expensive looking black cloak, with gold trim on the sleves, hood, and collar of it. Obviously, she was someone of importance, or at least of noble birth.

The boy behind the man was staring up at the woman curiously. She answered his stare with a cold, rather annoyed gaze of her own, before looking back to the man before her.

"Do you serve actively?" she asked him, directing her question at the armour, which she looked at over his shoulder.
The man looked at her questioningly. He nudged his son away, sending him back in the house, before answering her. "I go when I'm called upon. Which is not at all likely. If you were to leave the child you hold with me, you'd need not worry of him being left alone; if that is the motive of your question."

Alright the problem here is that your sentences are all literally the exact same. They are all approximately the same length and follow the exact same structure. Oh, one has a comma every now and then. Oh hey, you tried to use a semicolon and failed.
Your writing is boring and uninspired, the plot just appears to be a stupid mishmash of fantasy cliches, and jesus christ quit using the word yurt.

>>1993078
Finding him to be discerning, strong, and well-off, she handed her child to the man without either of them saying a word. She stared at the child for a few moments, leaning in once to kiss its forhead. As she turned around and began walking back to her horse, she stopped for a moment, and said "His name is Soren. I plan to come back for him, eventually. Please, keep him safe."The man watched her as she mounted her horse and rode off in a hurry. He wasn't sure that what had just happened had completely registered in his mind yet; but he did know that he now had a second child to take care of. He went back inside with the child to prepare another bed as the woman rode off into the night.

>>1993080
Alright, thanks for the input.

Anyways, that's the prologue. Thanks for the criticism ahead of time.

>>1993084
This is really a huge problem. All of your sentences go "subject action." It is almost painful to read.

>>1993051
>The inn was crowded and noisy...

NOPE.JPG

Begin with character and perspective. I'll give you a random example.

Jack hadn't expected the inn to be so crowded. "Ale!" he shouted over the din as the throng pressed at his back. / "What?" The overwhelmed barkeep put his hand to his ear. / "Ale!" he repeated. / The barkeep nodded.

etc

>>1993090
How would I go about fixing this? I'm trying to avoid getting too flowery with my prose.

This is actually pretty fucking good. I don't read a ton of fantasy, but I'll give this a shot if you finish it.

>>1993092
>Begin with character and perspective

Noted. Thank you. That actually is something I've been trying to work on with the later chapters.

>>1993104
Do you mind my asking what you liked about it? I want to know opinions and such. That way I can see if some things I'm criticized for are just a matter of opinion or not.

>>1993108
Well, pretty much everything's a matter of opinion, but I guess I like the tightness of the sentences and firm sense of narrative control. Silas is a character I can see growing on me over the long-haul, if you keep fleshing him out and giving him flaws. I like him. I want to know more about the world, but I'm sure you'll get to that. All in all, I guess I'd say it feels like professional prose--not all overdone and super-flowery like most stuff I see here these days. Keep it up.

>>1993115
Alright, thanks.

Something else I've noticed is that I use the trigger words too much, for example.

>None of the structures
next paragraph
>None of the yurts

More thoughts would be nice. I'd appreciate it if people passing over the thread disregarded the comments before reading it themselves.

>>1993130
Quit bumping your own thread in this fashion. If we want to offer more thoughts, we will.

the action sequence in this was quite good

Don't know... if troll?

lrn2grammar
lrn2interesting sentences
lrn2show not tell

Okay, I'm gunna give you a few tips - but only for the first post, can't be arsed doing this for the whole thing. This might also take two or three posts, I'll go line-by-line.

>The inn was crowded and noisy. Men were fighting, hooting at the women attending the bar, and gambling.
This is a good example of telling what you could be showing. You start to show in the second sentence, but it's overall uninspired.

>A man in a black, fur-lined jacket was sitting at the bar and sipping his drink while trying to ignore the surrounding chaos. He and his men were there simply to have a drink and relax.
I'd start here and THEN show the state of the inn. Also, don't call it an inn. Inns always have weird and wacky names - give it one.

>The man, Silas, was a mercenary, and had just finished with his last job: taking out some merchants who hadn't delivered their goods to a customer.
Horrible sentence structure here. Mix the sentence up and make it interesting like so:
>Silas was a mercenary by trade, the sort of work that attracted men with his sort of... skill set. He brushed the spot on his belt where a fat purse full of gold coins hung; it would definitely sour the evening if he had to hunt down some street urchin just to get his gold back. After all, Silas had his fill of killing for the day - dishonest merchants that had taken advantage of his client.
Also, my use of a semi-colon here is the correct use. Used to join two connected thoughts that should not go in one sentence, but not joining word is used between them.

>It wasn't that he took pleasure in killing people, it was simply because he was good at doing it; and the fact that the job paid well.
Don't need this anymore.

>>1993146
Really? How so?

Where's popsprocket gone? Dude was offering some actual criticism...

Lulz. You're posting the same shit-fantasy that you were posting in that other thread last night. Way to be lame.

Also:
>2011
>still writing fantasy stories

ISHYGDDT

Don't know... if troll?

lrn2grammar
lrn2interesting sentences
lrn2show not tell

Okay, I'm gunna give you a few tips - but only for the first post, can't be arsed doing this for the whole thing. This might also take two or three posts, I'll go line-by-line. I'm only giving examples of how I might do it, this is not polished at all and you should keep that in mind.

>The inn was crowded and noisy. Men were fighting, hooting at the women attending the bar, and gambling.
This is a good example of telling what you could be showing. You start to show in the second sentence, but it's overall uninspired.

>A man in a black, fur-lined jacket was sitting at the bar and sipping his drink while trying to ignore the surrounding chaos. He and his men were there simply to have a drink and relax.
I'd start here and THEN show the state of the inn. Also, don't call it an inn. Inns always have weird and wacky names - give it one.

>The man, Silas, was a mercenary, and had just finished with his last job: taking out some merchants who hadn't delivered their goods to a customer.
Horrible sentence structure here. Mix the sentence up and make it interesting like so:
>Silas was a mercenary by trade, it was the sort of work that attracted men with his... skill set. He brushed the spot on his belt where a fat purse full of gold coins hung; it would definitely sour the evening if he had to hunt down some cut purse just to get his gold back. After all, Silas had his fill of killing for the day - dishonest merchants that had taken advantage of his client - it wasn't as though he really enjoyed it.
Also, my use of a semi-colon here is the correct use. Used to join two connected thoughts that should not go in one sentence, but not joining word is used between them.

>It wasn't that he took pleasure in killing people, it was simply because he was good at doing it; and the fact that the job paid well.
Don't need this anymore.

>>1993153
Sorry dude, wanted to make an edit. /lit/ isn't very forgiving about that shit - especially when it's a crit on someone else.

cont... >>1993154
>As he continued to drink, a hooded figure sat in the chair beside him and ordered a drink. He glanced at the person, and realized it was a woman.
This is another example of telling when you should be showing, thus:
>Silas stared down at his cup, watching bubbles in the dark ale slowly pop as it grew warmer. The noise had reached a deafening level - so much so that he barely even noticed a hooded figure draw up the chair next to his. He stole a quick glance at the ironically conspicuous person - honestly, hooded cloaks were just about the worst way to conceal yourself in a bar - but something caught his eyes. It was a woman and she most definitely did /not/ want to be noticed.

>She didn't seem like she wanted to be noticed. However, the man on the other side of her noticed her gender as well, and began flirting with her.
First part is covered previously, the second part is pretty bad. "Noticed her gender" reads very awkwardly.

>"Hey, beautiful," he slurred, turning to her.
>She didn't even look at him. A bit offended, the man tried again;
>"You look like yer a bit lonely...hic!"
Dialogue structure does not work like this. You start a new line for new speech and then continue on as normal. No semi-colon either, just a comma will do. So this particular part would look like this:

>"Hey, beautiful," he slurred, turning to her. She didn't even look at him. A bit offended, the man tried again,
>"You look like yer a bit lonely...hic!"
I wouldn't put 'hic' as part of his speech.

Flood detection on /lit/... srsly?

cont... >>1993158

>She then got up out of her seat, taking her drink with her; and started to walk away.
Once again your semi-colon use is wrong. No joining words are used when a semi-colon is. Sentence structure is disjointed for such a simple concept as well. It does not require the semi colon nor does it require being split into two separate sentences:
>Avoiding the mans' attention she quickly grabbed her drink and moved away from the bar.

>But as she started walking, the man grabbed her arm to pull her back to him. As she was pulled back to him, her hood fell off. She was indeed beautiful; dark hair, light skin, and piercing green eyes.
Sometimes you can start a sentence with 'And' or 'But', however, this is not one of those times. Also more uninspired writing. Check it:
>As quickly as she began to move away though, the man grabbed her arm and roughly pulled her into his lap. The quick change of direction caused her hood to fall off, revealing to Silas that she was indeed beautiful.
Leave out her description. You'll probably throw out the old argument that "he's a skilled soldier he would notice all of those things in an instant" but no. No he would not. Describe her later.


The only other thing I would change would be his name. 'Silas' makes using the possessive look weird (for me personally), but if it's the sort of thing someone from his hometown would be named, then run with it.

>>1993158
>>1993154
This is much appreciated. Do go on.

>>1993157
I received much more praise in that thread, to be honest.

>>1993164
/lit/ is a fickle beast and trolls that which others like.

>>1993164

I don't really know why you did. I suppose that all the /lit/ snobs passed up that thread.

>>1993166
Leaves a man confused, it does.

>>1990343

^ is the thread I originally posted in.

Popsprocket's advice seems REALLY counterproductive. Finish the novel first, then edit it. You've got a fun and interesting story on your hands--DO NOT RUIN IT BY OVER-EDITING THIS EARLY.

>>1993172
It's just my two cents, but yes you really shouldn't put too much effort into editing as you go. It's really easy to get bogged down in re-writing parts that you've already done well enough instead of moving on.

>>1993172
I kind of agree about not over-editing little details, but... the 'show don't tell' thing is such a general issue that OP would be well-advised to remember it at all times.

>>1993179
By 'show, don't tell', you mean show it through the character's speech and action, correct?

What I'm trying to do is switch perspectives between characters; showing what they see in regards to what another sees. Does that make sense at all?

>>1993185
Okay I read the rest.

The writing improves as you go, but some of the same structuring issues remain. The perspective switching works well and doing it so often speeds up the pace of the whole fight scene and the woman's escape.

And yes, show don't tell means that you need to give information from the character's perspectives. Even if you were going for omniscient narrator, the details you gave of immediate settings should still feel like they could have come from the character.

>>1993186
if the narrator knows everything then why does it have to come from the character?

>>1993186
Alright so, for clarification.
Settings being described needs to be from a character's actions.

But I can keep going with a thought process for perspectives?

>>1993192
It doesn't all have to come from a character, but it's overall far more entertaining to read something from the POV character's eyes. It also helps in terms of how well you identify with the character. If you are seeing through their eyes and know all about their feelings then you get the complete experience of what it is like to be that character - which is more or less what you're after in adventure/fantasy stories.

>>1993186
Also, are you counting the speeding up of the pace a bad thing?

>>1993195
You don't need to strain yourself trying to make everything come from the character.

The best way it was ever explained to me was to imagine what the character was doing at that time and how they would notice the things that are happening around them. That's what I did when I talked about how Silas was looking into his cup. From his cup he noticed the noise and the person drawing up the chair next to his.

And yes to the second, that's the best way to run perspectives. So like I said just before it means you get what the character is seeing and feeling to make a complete experience.

>>1993202
Definitely not. They were having a wild chase with magic and flying arrows and galloping horses. The faster the better in this case.

>>1993207
Alright.
I really can't thank you enough for this advice. It's exactly what I came here for. Earlier, you mentioned bad grammar. Could you explain that, if you will.

Also, I'm currently taking a creative writing course. I only just started it; but I'm expecting it'll cover some things I need to know as well?

>>1993220
The grammar issue is really just sentence structure. There's nothing overtly wrong with how you combine words to form your ideas - certainly a hell of a lot better than more then half the people I've ever seen write - but the concepts sometimes come across as disjointed. It's not such a problem for you in the first write up, but as you go back through it just edit some of your wording to get the sentences to flow well.

Last thing and /lit/ is probably going to track me down for saying this, but don't worry about your writing becoming too flowery. Better to get some nice descriptions in that you cut out than not include any good descriptions in the first place.

You don't need to do it for everything, we don't really need to know what someone is wearing unless it has a purpose, or how every single building in a street looks. Every now and then though, you really want to give the reader something to picture as vividly as possible.

But you have to leave some of the descriptions to the reader, it's easier to imagine a world that a story is set in if their mind's eye can make up some of the details... it's a fine balance.

>>1993220
creative writing courses can be good

also check your usage of that semi colon, no joining words remember? ;)

>>1993237
Alright. Thank you for the encouraging words. Hopefully I'll improve on this.
>>1993233
It's "An Idiots Guide to Creative Writing" or something like that.

Looks like I'll be needing to look up the use of a semicolon. Hah.

I like it. Was actually exciting.

Bumping this since I found it worth reading. Unlike 90% of /lit/ shit.

Your prose is generally pretty great.It comes off as generic at first, but it rounds off pretty greatly. Write moar. I'd read it.

>Read through the depths of /lit/
>Find something worth reading

Huh.