/lit/ - Literature

>The title of your poem is "A Rose"

Really? Alright well, if you say so

>Subject of poem is melodramatic description of a rose

No. No no no no.
This was already cliche 500 years ago why would you even bother.

>>558742
I suppose it is unoriginal; it's the first poem I've ever written.

>>558760
Oh, I see. Well honestly it's not revoltingly bad or anything, it's just bland.
The trick with writing poetry is that you have to write a hundred shit poems, realize they're shit. Toss them all and start from scratch. Then you'll probably still suck, most people do, but the next hundred might have 10 worth keeping. Then you're going places!

I'm going to agree with Mr. Irving here.

Also, archaic language... you probably want to avoid that.

>>the Tree does grow

Oh no. No one speaks like that anymore.

If you're in to this kind of poetry, go check out some Baudelaire. He'll teach you a few things.

reading your poem made me give up on humanity, so dark and dreary.

>>558769
I'm sorry to say I've never heard of Baudelaire; I'll try to find some of his stuff as soon as I can! Thanks!

if you want to know if your poems sucks, play poem-bullshit-bingo.
moon, moonlight, abyss, rose, tear, love, eyes, lonely, night, midnight, dawn, blood, pain, smile, etc -> if you use more than ONE of those words, you suck.

>>558792
You really shouldn't be writing poetry until you've read a lot of it.

Congratulations on a first poem.

Let the critics rave. Are they writing poems? No! (The wroth critic's cold wrath has blighted many a rose i' the bud.)

Seriously, you have the knack of iambic rhythm.
You also have something to say and you say it clearly.
Keep writing.
Don't worry too much about unoriginality. Most everything that's said has already been said.
Strive for beauty.

ITT people who think they are poet laureates.

>>559089
OH yeah, and I liked your poem, OP.

>>559086

>implying criticism isn't art in itself

>>559089
You mean itt people who think they're Ted Hughes?

>>558733

also,

'Indifference captures the rose'

your meter is fucked up here

actually, it's fucked up in general; rewrite it.

>>559104
It is, it's just that most people suck balls at it. It's like modern art: you take a shit on your medium, and expect people to just "get it."

I'm OP. I changed my "name" for another board and - fail - I forgot part of my trip.

>>558866
I see what your saying; they're certainly overused. But couldn't it be argued that they are acceptable if used properly - not just for the sake of "good writing"? At least in some cases, couldn't they be being overused for a reason?

>>559086
Thanks a lot! Iambic rhythm was one of the harder things for me to get a hold on, so I'm glad someone thinks I'm off to a good start.

>>559091
Thanks.

>>559108
How is it "fucked up"?

>>559104
Yes, yes, the age old question: are critics worth listening to?

At the very beginning: no
Later: yes
Later: no

If you're not enthusiastic at the start, you won't continue. And damn me if critics don't often set out to plunder the joy from every endeavor.

Once you've established the habit of writing, then concentrate on getting better. Listen and consider. Use what you hear and improve.

When you've found your voice, stop listening. You will not improve but by further application of what you know to be your way.

Critics are alright in their way but must be used carefully, like nightshade, by those given to hearing voices, particularly the creative.

tl; dr To train a dog, you offer a treat whenever he gets close to being right.

>>558792
>never heard of Baudelaire, not even through pop culture
>trying to write a poem
Oh dear.

>>559115
>>559115
>But couldn't it be argued that they are acceptable if used properly
That's the problem. You didn't use them properly. Your poem comes off as an extended metaphor.

>>559171
Extended metaphors are bad?

>>559108
in DIFF er ANCE cap TURES the ROSE

Ignoring how generic it is, sounds sort of awkward brah.

>>559125

>the canopy of taunting hues

>- /-/ - /- /

fine, perfect iambs.

>Indifference captures the rose

> -/-- /- - /

'indifference' is a hard word to fix into meter, but you make it worse by misplacing 'captures'

>>559180
Yes, it should do a lot more. It should tell a story, convey an emotion. Your poem does neither. I can see you're attempt to do something along the lines of Nothing Gold Can Stay. See how Frost did it, and compare it to what you've done.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nothing_Gold_Can_Stay_(poem)

You could go postmodern and write in free verse. Better yet, do and reference a bunch of poets you've never read and maybe a band no one's ever heard of and get some hipster pussy.

This is basically what happens when people who don't know anything about poetry try to write poetry. You're trying too hard to be poetic.
>Rooted deeply into the ground
why do you start with the heavy stress? usually this is reserved to make things seem more powerful. Combined with "into" it makes it seem like the rose is exerting force toward the ground rather than having a firm base. The use of into also fucks up the rhythm (BUM bu bu BUM)
>The rose's presence is Pronounced
What does this even mean? Why would you use "pronounced" (other than the fact that it rhymes)? It's meaningless emphasis and then, just a few lines later, you de-emphasize the rose's actual presence and say that it is only really waiting. It is especially inappropriate given the other meanings of pronounced (delivered verbally; it connotes something already done)
>Pedals folded into the bulb
lol pedals
again with the stress on the first syllable, bad to do considering the petals are inactive (folded up)
>It is not yet a gift of love
Awkward (and ambiguous) rhythm--you can go either it IS not YET, but this places emphasis on IS, which is bad to do considering the line is negative
it could also go it is NOT yet a GIFT of LOVE, but then the rhythm is totally different from all the other lines for no real reason
>Although the beauteous colors live
lol beauteous
trying too hard
>With vast potential of a kind
ok, little vague
>Venus would surely deem divine
Seem divine? Venus is a goddess. She IS divine.
>they are folded, muted grim
They're muted and grim but the beauteous colors are alive? You're contradicting yourself
Rhythm is again awkward (bu bu BUM, BUM bu BUM)
>The sunlight does not bless the rose
the emphasis is on DOES, even though the line is a negative, but its not a bad line

>>559236

>Above it, now, the Tree does grow
What's up with the old-timey shit brah
>Still it looks, hopeful, to the clouds
awkward rhythm, how can it look at clouds if non sun can get to it?
>But from the Tree, the rose does learn
old-timey bullshit
>Although it would come at no cost
ok
>And nothing at all would be lost
ok
>for it, the sun wants not to burn
man what does this even mean
>Nevertheless, hope does shine through
ok, emphasis actually makes sense here
>the canopy of taunting hues
neat
>But as the mist of death draws close
ok
>Indifference captures the rose
awkward
>Though life, however fruitless, ends
ok
>The rose's remnants will enrich
>Lives in the soil which it sits
it sits a soil? wat
weird rhythm again for no reason
>the hope of the rose still transcends.
awkward rhythm again (bu BUM bu bu BUM (BUM/bu it isn't clear) bu BUM)

>>559188
I'll keep that in mind in the future.

>>559203
Thanks for posting that poem; it helped.

>>559236
>>559241
Thanks for the comments on the rhythm. I've had trouble understanding the idea of stressed vs. unstressed syllables; here, I simply (and ignorantly) paid attention only to the number of syllables per line. Your comments helped me understand how to distinguish stressed syllables from unstressed a little better. Thanks a lot!