/lit/ - Literature

first sentence and already seeking validation

fuck i hope i'm never you

>>5970768
Both sentences suck but the second one is certainly the lesser of two evils.

>>5970782
No, faggot, the thing is done. I'm not looking for validation, I'm looking for opinions on whether or not the opening grabs you at all.

>>5970793
this negro is right
and man, they're not average-bad, they're bad^2

>>5970815
So explain why the sentences suck, then. I am curious for more information on your opinions then "lol faggot go burn ur drafts m8 u will nevar be the genius george rr martin is". Can you articulate why they're "bad"?

>>5970829
Alright, I actually bothered to read them well this time. The first one is good and makes me wonder what's to come. The second is still dogshit.

Disclaimer:
I'm not well-read and english is not my first language, you're welcome to disregard my opinion.

>>5970948
That's cool, thanks for taking the time, Anon. My greatest hero of the English language was not a native speaker; it allows for interesting insights which natives take for granted. That said, why do you feel the first is good and the second is bad?

For what it's worth, I rather agree with you all, however I still think the first just needs--something. Something isn't there and I hate that it isn't.

I can't tell you people how many times I've rewritten, revised, recreated this fucking story. It's insane. Throughout all the drafts, many of them total rewrites, I've written or typed easily 700,000 words, if not 1,000,000. I've filled up notebooks, I wrote the entire last draft by hand. I really feel it, I trust it, and I know in my heart now that this draft is where it needs to be. But I'm so particular--I can't put it down. I can't wait for the day I can share it with the world but at the same time I can't seem to put it down, stop honing it.

I've heard the saying "art is never finished; only abandoned", but I just don't like that first sentence, even though I know it's better. It's driving me crazy.

>>5970768

Damn this shit sucks

>>5970995
Could you please articulate why? I'd just like some opinions.

>>5970999

Nice trips. I don't know, the writing style just sounds kinda YA and juvenile. Tad pretentious

>>5971008
Well, the character is extremely pretentious, so it's sort of difficult to get around that. It also begins when he is seventeen and explores twenty years of his life. So, in a way, I'm glad to hear you think so.

If you're writing in first person from a pretentious character's perspective, people will think the author is pretentious most likely. Why not write in third person?

>>5971046
Because that is not how reality is perceived, and, in a way, the way the individual's perception shapes their reality--as well as the disconnection from others, and the isolation of the ego--is a pervasive theme in my writing, and certainly of this book.

it's bad and the fact you can't tell it's bad should be worrisome

- needlessly convoluted sentences
- sentences don't mean anything
- doesn't hook the reader (the second one has some small potential maybe)
- isn't beautiful prose or even readable prose

the only good news is that there are no clichés and at least the writing isn't purple

also there's no point posting one sentence

post at least a page or something

whatever op does have any real interest in improving, isn't gna listen to me and I'm just waiting my time

>>5971066
I was wondering what that thumbnail was. Wow, that must be from '09 or '10.

>>5971073
Well, it's not like the rest of the book is bad. Just that one sentence, and certain parts of the first act. The second and third acts really flow, and I know the story is great.

All right, here's the first page. I hope you all remember me in a few years when I'm shilling my book on here like Tao.

Nobody would have died if Susan hadn't found me in the butcher's shop that day, but I wouldn't have met Delilah, either, so give her some credit at least. With or without her, I was doomed to be an artist, and proved it as I spent each slow hour in the store tending to my real work. This was how she discovered me, unmoved by the chime of the front door.
"Are you going to art school?"
Caught, I shoved my work aside. I saw first a pair of eyes, bright as emeralds in a mask of porcelain until, lip by nose by eyelash, the woman before me assembled herself. Mahogany hair, a proud jaw, and the same non-smile of the Mona Lisa--then I remembered she asked me a question.
“It's not exactly like they'll be accepting resumes when I graduate.”
"No, but with talent comes better odds of success, in time." Her voice was a pool of molasses I strained to hear over my pulse.
I flipped the pages face -down and fit the pencil behind my ear. "Can I help you?"
"Some beef tenderloin, if you please. Three inches, I think, and let's say four pieces. Have you had osso buco before?"
"Can't say I have."
"Criminal. It's marvelous cooked rare, particularly with some red wine and greens on the side."

>>5971093
Damn it, there's a typo in there.

>beef tenderloin
>veal shank

I had changed part of it and was changing the rest of it back just before the post but got distracted because I'm just a little buzzed right now. Sorry.

>>5970768
I didn't vote. Both are equally shit.