/lit/ - Literature

That duck looks friendly.

Your story looks bad.

Co-writer here. Yes, I know it might look like that now, but that's why we're posting it on /lit/. To request your aid.

He's the co-writer... So he's talking on behalf of both of us.

Why is the maid willing to insult him, but then quickly leaves the room when she's spoken to sternly? That doesn't make sense to me. Is she afraid of him or not?

This could be an okay excerpt if it was in the middle of a story. As it stands, it's pretty bad. I no nothing about any of these characters, and care less.

>>813194
It's just an excerpt.

If it weren't for the duck I wouldn't do this. Very clever picture choice, OP.

"remained indulged" doesn't mean what you think it means. Don't use a thesarus to substitute a word you do know for a word you don't. Words have meanings, often subtle, and you shouldn't use them unless you have seen them used in a similar context before by many different skilled authors.

"procceeded through" Spelled incorrectly and bad word-choice. See above.

"hardly supressing" Besides the spelling, this is explaining what's going on instead of showing the reader what's actually happening. Convery his sense of frustration through his tone, his words, his facial expressions, his body language, not with an adverb.

"to who" to whom, bro. "the thanks" just thanks, bro.

Going further I see more basic spelling and grammar mistakes. Are you a non-native English speaker or a troll?

Are you trying to get published?

Isaac has a poor grasp of English grammar. Was that written purposefully?

>>813205
The time that this happens would be late at night. I intended some of that to show that he was tired. Some were actual mistakes.

>>813202
Dunno.

>>813200
Thank you.

Hold on, I'll rewrite it.

>>813197
>>813323
Go away /b/tard, we don't want your shit writing here.

The last candle lighting Isaac's study was about to die when he heard a light rapping on the door. He shrugged it off and went back to his reading.
Shortly after, his maid, Mrs. Hester, came in, carrying a small package in one hand.

"What do you want? Can you not see I'm reading here?"
"Oh, big surprise there. There's a package for you," Mrs. Hester explained,s etting the package on the worn table across from Isaac,"though God knows why someone would send you a package, let alone know you. You never leave the house!"
Isaac fumbled with the package nonchalantly, not particularly caring about the maid's comments. "And to whom do I owe my deepest gratitude for this..this grand intrusion on my liesure?"

"How should I know?" the maid asked. "He just gave it to me and walked off."
Isaac sighed "Fine. Thanks. Now, please go?"
The maid did as told, closing the door rather loudly on her way out.
Rewrite. I'm tired, so there's probably a few mistakes.

>>813333
Okay, the fuck? Calm down.

Adverbs are bad. Adverbs in adult fiction are bad. Adverbs attached to dialogue tags are the height of bad.

You can't write. Well, anyway. Keep trying, keep requesting critiques, and above all else, keep READING.

Mrs. Hester sure seems rude considering she is presumably employed by an impatient, shut-in Isaac who seems more than likely to reprimand or dismiss her for not minding her place... just saying.

>>813392
Alright, thanks. I'll keep in mind to avoid adverbs like the Plague. And I do read.

>>813407
It's just an excerpt. She just gets annoyed by him sometimes, and vice versa. She's usually pretty nice.

>>813405
They don't need to be avoided completely. But you want to show, not tell.
"Isaac said sternly."
Bad. Bad. Bad.
Show that Isaac is stern. What does he do that communicates this sternness? Because if there isn't anything, he didn't say it sternly.

Is that all clear as mud?

PS. The anon that said he works at a publishing company is bullshitting you. Anyone can masquerade as an agent or editor because it's common fucking sense what an agent or editor does.

>barely lit by the candle
This is all sorts of awkward phrasing. Also, the illumination of the guy's study has nothing to do with the tapping at his front door. If you want to insinuate it's night, try something else.
>remained indulged in his work
Remained engrossed in his work?
>Hester proceeded through
Awkward, replace proceeded.
>Isaac questioned
Fuck. 'asked Isaac' is perfectly fine.
>suppressing his frustration at the situation
Interruption, not situation.
>on a table
on the table.
>fumbled with the package nonchalantly
WHAT. fumbled with the package is fine.
>gift
How did gift come into this?
>gestured to the back of the package
gestured to the package or something simpler.
>saw a note entwined
No. The note would be under the string, not entwined with it.
>"Seeing as you're a shut-in who insist on living in this stupid cupboa-"
You need to make this flow smoother. At first read it was totally disconnected from the rest of the piece.
>wouldn't be so kind
You want would.
>The maid hurried out of the room as Isaac turned back to the package
This should be one sentence. Followed by 'he spared no time...' blabla.


YOU'RE WELCOME

>>813432
Yeah, I get what you mean. Thanks.

>>813435
The first post is rendered irrelevant by the rewrite. Thanks, though.

>>813432

Looks like he's having problems getting his characters to emote properly.

>>813445
Well fuck me sideways.
Learn from what I said and everyone else said anyway.
As for co-writing, don't edit shit before you have the entire thing DONE or else you will get nowhere.

>>813457
Alright, thanks. I'll keep all the advice in mind. Thanks, guys. You all are bros. Except the ones that were douches.

>>813445
On the other hand, the rewrite is just as riddled with shitty writing. Guess someone will have to analyze it, too.

Am I the only one who finds it strange that the original writing posted on /lit/ sucks? Come on, guys.
I write MG fiction. I've just submitted the complete manuscript to an agent who asked for more.

Surely more like me exist. So why do only the shitty writers post their work?

>>813470
Because good writers know that virgin chronic-masturbators on 4chan aren't qualified to offer opinions or inspired critique on anything?

>>813470
Oh. It's shitty? Well, fuck.

>>813482
It's still shitty but MUCH better than your first attempt. You took a lot of the critcisms and incorporated them into your work. Most people asking for help on /lit/ just argue.

You're doing well!

>>813489
Well, the first attempt was my partner's, but thanks! We'll keep working on it.

>>813482
Aside from awkward phrasing inside the quotes and spelling mistakes, it's not too bad as far as form and mechanics go.

As for whether it's interesting, that's a different thing all together.

>>813498
Give us a summary. What's this shit all about?

>>813498
Well, you'd have to know the basic plot to think it interesting or not, right?

>>813169

>Isaac's study was barely lit by the candle when a light tapping was heard at the front door.
you should rearrange this sentence to use active voice more
>If it weren't for his maid, he would have remained indulged by his work.
"indulged" doesn't mean that... you want "absorbed"
>He turned as the door opened and Mrs. Hester procceeded through.
it's spelled "proceeded" and I don't think you want to use that word in that sentence anyway
>"Yes?" Isaac questioned, hardly supressing his frustration at the situation.
"suppressing", and also "questioned" is redundant, just say "said"
>"A package for you, sir," Mrs. Hester quietly explained as she laid the package on a table across from Isaac.
again, "said" is probably better than "explained." People often liked to use things other than "said", but it's best to avoid that unless necessary
>Isaac fumbled with the package nonchalantly, not caring to open it at the moment. "And to who do I owe the thanks for this gift?"
it's "to whom"
>Mrs. Hester gestured to the back of the packaged. "I thought you might be able to tell me."
package, not packaged
>"Seeing as you're a shut-in who insist on living in this stupid cupboa-"
"insists", not "insist"

I'm not really interested in being mean tonight, but you have a lot of basic spelling errors - did you check this before you posted it?

>>813514
Eh, he was rather tired.

>>813514
There's a rewrite in >>813370

>>813522
This is why you suck, my friend.

Give us a summary.

And also, writing with a partner? How about you both learn to write first?

>>813529
What? I don't know what-

oh. now I see.

>>813533
Summary?

>>813532
Alright. Our basic plot is that these two men, very good friends, each get a notebook. Whatever one man writes in his book, happens to the other.

>>813554
Decent idea. Where does it start? I'm assuming this is the only thing you have written.

>>813470
I'm a harsh critic of my OWN work, I'm terrified of what /lit/ might have to say.

>>813564
I guess we'd start it with a summary of what the man who delivers the books is out to do?

>>813578
No. I mean where does the novel start? What's the first chapter?

hmmmmmm . . . . (In thought)

>>813581
There's people who have an eye for editing and then there are faggots.
THE MORE YOU KNOW.jpg

>>813582
Yeah, that was all we've wrote. I'll start writing the first part tomorrow. And it's going to be more of a short story, not a full-blown novel.

>>813581
I know what you mean. It's a much better idea to take your work to a local critique circle. They'll make suggestions without breaking your balls.

I'm fine with most of /lit/'s critique.

>>813470

MG fiction?

I wouldn't get so sure you're a good author until you're published btw, although I will agree that surprisingly few people on /lit/ can write

I was going to get into reasons for that, but honestly I don't feel like being cruel

>>813623
Go for it.

>>813554
If they were actually good friends they would write stuff like, "And Bob finds a treasure chest with a billion dollars inside of it. He hears a knock on the door and looks through his rain soaked window to see a troop of cheerleaders dressed in white. They are very horny."

>>813635
Yeah, we've began working a way around that.

>>813644
>we've began
oh god

>>813623
Middle Grade. It's what my children read. I have experience writing short stories of all genres. I've found MG fiction to be the most stimulating.

I'm not going to say I'm a brilliant writer. But I know I have talent.

>>813554

heh, i was gonna say "Unless those notebooks are Death Notes I'm not interested." So, close enough, I guess. Though it may be bad that such a similar plot idea jumped to my mind so easily after having read so little.