/lit/ - Literature

ye gods

you would have a novel pilloried for racism.

replace "blood" with some sort of hard drug use. then it's a hard-hitting realistic look at gang violence AND drugs.

>>915584
Good idea mate

take the op. replace straight with fag. you have described op.

Take Avatar (lol movies in ur /lit/)

Replace Naavi with Indian
Replace two main characters names
Switch Setting

>>915618
They already have that. It's called Pocahontas.

>>915680

or dances with wolves

>>915618
The Naavi are clearly the navy, while spacemarines are faggots that are invading the navy

>>915680
Or Dances With Wolves

>>915596
lol'd hard for some reason.

>>915584
i was thinking cash instead of drugs, but both work i guess

Take text book assault.

Replace every instance of "whiteboy/cracker" with "nigger"

Now you have a hate crime.

>>915618
Take Avatar

And call it Fern Gully.

Somebody please actually do this to a paragraph or two and post it.

>>915565
I would listen to this audio book .

>>915769
I would but I don't have the book.

"Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?" I whispered conspiratorially.
"And where do you fit into that scheme?" He glared.
"Oh, I'm with the niggers, of course."

I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to shoot me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

It was very strange, for I knew we were both in mortal danger. Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole. I could feel my heart racing in my chest, the crack pulsing hot and fast through my veins again. My lungs filled deep with the sweet scent that came off his skin. It was like there had never been any hole in my chest. I was perfect — not healed, but as if there had been no wound in the first place.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Emmett grinned. "Fall down again, Bella?"
I glared at him fiercely. "No, Emmett. I punched a Mexican in the face."
Emmett blinked, and then burst into a roar of laughter.

>>915565
>>915769
>>915584

"Shoot," I muttered when the shank sliced the joint; I pulled it out to examine the damage. A single line of coke streamed from the tiny cut.

It all happened very quickly then.

Edward threw himself at me, flinging me back across the table...

I tumbled down to the floor by the piano, with my arms thrown out instinctively to catch my fall, into the jagged shards of glass. I felt the glass cut into the bag of coke in my hand. It spilled uselessly across the floor, a pile of white powder.

Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright white drug pouring out of my bag—into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous niggers.

>>915565
Don't forget
Bella = Shauneesha
Edward = Tyrone
Jacob = Juan

>>915840
that last one made me laugh so much

>>915565
>Emmett grinned. "Fall down again, Bella?"
>I glared at him fiercely. "No, Emmett. I punched a Mexican in the face."
>Emmett blinked, and then burst into a roar of laughter.
This has promise.

>>915850

Oh God this is awsome.

>>915846
One of them needs to be named Lajonza, I don't care who, but one of them does.

>>915850
Promise indeed, go on

shit. i have the text here somewhere. let's do this.
...
"So it didn't matter to me that we were surrounded by our extraordinarily dangerous enemies. As the clock began to toll out the hour, vibrating under the soles of my sluggish feet, I knew I was too late—and I was glad something watermelonthirsty waited in the wings. For in failing at this, I forfeited any desire to live."

"Dazed and disoriented, I looked up from the bright red watermelon pulsing out of my arm—into the fevered eyes of the six suddenly ravenous niggers."

>>916160
Literary genius.

"About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Tyrone was a nigger. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my watermelon. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him."

"It was a relief, that one small entry, the one myth among hundreds that claimed the existence of good niggers."

>>916249
>>916240
>>916249
Lord have mercy, I laughed much harder than I should have.

"Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I was kissing a nigger."

"Crazy how easy it was, walking through the dark with a nigger right beside me. It didn’t feel unsafe, or even uncomfortable, really. It felt like walking next to anybody. Well, anybody who smelled bad."
>i lol'd

http://iwl.me/

copy/paste "herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp herp derp "

>>916331
I really have to thank you, op, for starting this thread and giving me a fresh look on life. Twilight no longer hits the bitter side of me.

>>916331
Genius there is a tool on Microsoft word that allows you to type in a word and it will replace everytime that word appears with a new word. Someone needs to get a word document of the book and do that and place it online. It will be a cult classic. We have found a use for this shit.

>>915562
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no uczctxk nrqd qpyagtxoh dh ufwxiv

>>916401
this this this someone please do it

>>916365
i lol'd

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j nm vty i km ay vt cxpoepl zpyrplobcxxpeh kb

http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/5065882/Book_1_-_Twilight.pdf
Here is the pdf it can be converted into a word document. We are on a mission from god.

>>916431
>>916431
http://sites.google.com/site/janmckingley/twilightmoviesandbookseriesebook2

^^ all the books without having to use a torrent.

shoot the j!

bump

"His dad is one of the Quileute elders." I watched him carefully. His confused expression froze in place. "We went for a walk —" I edited all my scheming out of the story "— and he was telling me some old legends — trying to scare me, I think. He told me one…" I hesitated.

"Go on," he said.

"About niggers." I realized I was whispering.


lold

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a nigger. Second, there was part of him — and I didn't know how potent that part might be — that thirsted for my watermelon. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

"Get dressed — I'll wait here."

It was hard to decide what to wear. I doubted there were any etiquette books detailing how to dress when your nigger sweetheart takes you home to meet his nigger family. It was a relief to think the word to myself. I knew I shied away from it intentionally.

>>916582
This is gold

I could hear the tires cross the bridge, though I couldn't see the river in the dark. I knew we were getting close. I had to ask him now.

"How can you kill a nigger?"

He glanced at me with unreadable eyes and his voice was suddenly harsh. "The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds, and then burn the pieces."

He looked down while he answered. "I'm surprised. I thought Florida…

and your mother… well, I thought that's what you would want." I stared at him uncomprehendingly. "But you'd be stuck inside all day in Florida. You'd only be able to come out at night, just like a real nigger."

"And what are they?" I finally asked. "What are the cold ones?" He smiled darkly.

"watermelon drinkers," he replied in a chilling voice. "Your people call them niggers."

>>916582
The "watermelon" part just kind of makes it racist, I think the drug reference is better.

>>916630
Agreed, drugs are superior.

This is the best /lit/ thread ever. I stand in awe.

How can we archive it AND send it to Stephanie Myers?

>>916630
Are you serious? You think using "nigger" is racist but when you add watermelon to the mix it is suddenly racist?

Look, the whole thing is racist, that is the draw of the humor. It isn't malicious racism either so I don't see a problem. What I don't get though is why you think drug references would somehow be LESS racist.

I think Kool-Aid would be a better replacement for blood.

Nonetheless, I lol'd heartily at this thread.

OMFG bump.

This is so epic. Someone make those changes, we will be hailed as literary masters and this thread will become our legacy!

>>916649
>using nigger ISN'T racist
fixed, my bad

http://rapidshare.com/files/407038545/Twilight-ReVAMPed.doc

First book, will get another upload in a minute.

Twilight: the only book series that can be made better by adding "nigger" and "watermelon."

I fucking love you /lit/.

>>916655
Please stop posting like that or kindly go back to /b/.
Here's a quick link if you need it:
>>>/b/

>>916666 Twilight: the only book series that can be made better by adding "nigger" and "watermelon."

If only Moot would put that up as the 'lit' board's subtitle...

>>916667

Sorry, I wasn't aware that was in the rulebook.

>>916674

It wouldn't hurt to ask.

Or maybe it would. Depends how frivolous he's feeling with the permabans.

>>916677
>3.Do not post the following outside of /b/: Trolls, flames, racism, off-topic replies, uncalled for catchphrases, macro image replies, indecipherable text (example: "lol u tk him 2da bar|?"), anthropomorphic ("furry"), grotesque ("guro"), or loli/shota pornography.
You might want to check that rulebook again.

Besides, posting with proper grammar and English with garner respect and credibility. You are not chatting it up with your BFF on AIM.

Enough of this, I don't want this thread derailed.

>>916701
>will garner
My mistake

>>916658
Completely ignored.

>>916701
So which rule did my post break?

>>916655

Don't use OMFG
Don't use epic
Don't use nigra, or for that matter, tripfag at all.

>>916691
moot: The omnipotent and unstable god of the internet

>>916710
>uncalled for catchphrases
>indecipherable text (example: "lol u tk him 2da bar|?")

We speak English here, not txt spch.

>>916649
Because watermelon is outright early 1900s racism. It's not even really funny racism, it's the kind of racism I expect from my grandparents.

Drugs give it that undertone of racism but it's not as outright.

As for using nigger, black people call each other nigger all them time. So if you're writing a book about black gangsters, nigger is perfectly fine to use.

>>916742
It has to be overtly racist, otherwise it doesn't work as satire. Lighten up, it's a stupid idea on the internet. I say roll with it.

>>916742

Remember which site you're on.

This isn't the place to complain about racism.

>>916749
Yeah I know, I just though watermelon kind of tipped it from kind of funny racism to outright groan worth racism. But hey whatever.

>>916752
Dah I know, though I thought /lit/ was a little better then /b/.

so we have the first book. anyone else interested at all??

so we're all going to spam stephanie meyer's inbox with copies of this amirite

>>916761

/lit/ is better than /b/, which to be honest isn't very difficult.

It's still 4chan though.

>>916776

Maybe she'll have a breakdown after realising that we can write better than her, with the addition of a handful of words.

>>916777
Have you seen the threads and posts on /lit/ lately? The line is blurring beyond recognition.

>>916782
It is with my sincerest hope that with that, she eats herself to death.

The fat-self-assured-cunt makes me rage.

in harry potter replace every instance of wand with wang

>>916658
Didn't change wolf to Mexican.

>>916787

>implying she isn't well on the way to eating herself to death already.

>>916792
Not fast enough dammit

>>916791

i thought i searched for it, but now that i think of it there are probably variations like "wolves" and "werewolves"

>>916803
Switch 'wolves' to 'beaners' or 'beans.'

Amirite??

>>915565

Twilight reVAMPed repost (with beaner fix):

http://rapidshare.com/files/407044065/Twilight-ReVAMPed.doc

Archive this shit

Replace every instance of vampire with "Greasers"
Replace every instance or variation of bite with "rumble" or variations of "fight"
and replace every instance of werewolf with "Socs"

You're now forced to read it in the fifth grade.

>>916853
I will print and bind this book.

>>915831
>"Do you want me to bolt the doors so you can massacre the unsuspecting townsfolk?" I whispered conspiratorially.
>I whispered conspiratorially.
>conspiratorially

>>916401
>>916431
>>915769
these were my posts

>>916853
Download worked but when I tried to open it it said it was corrupted and would not open.

bump for someone asking for this thread

In Phoenix, they held proms in hotel ballrooms. This dance was in the gym, of course. It was probably the only room in town big enough for a dance. When we got inside, I giggled. There were actual balloon arches and twisted garlands of pastel crepe paper festooning the walls.
"This looks like a horror movie waiting to happen," I snickered.
"Well," he muttered as we slowly approached the ticket table — he was carrying most of my weight, but I still had to shuffle and wobble my feet forward — "there are more than enough niggers present."

>>916608
>>916625
oh my god i'm laughing way too hard.

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 2 times now.

>>916701

You are literally the most pretentious ass I have ever seen.

That night, my flowing watermelons had been enough to catch every niggers attention, to freeze them all in
place for an instant. I prayed it would work that way again. I steeled myself and sucked in one deep
breath

I tried so, but the book is giving me cancer.

The one time c/lit/s would ever download Twilight. Ba...zing.

>>918390
Did the download work for you?

can someone re-up? The RS link is broken

>>915563
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wvxi yzzmz gvdgvzo hegdaz im fencmirare lknbor x

Thanks for your request.
It has been added to our database and the thread will be archived as soon as enough request for that thread have been made.
This thread has been requested 6 times now.

2 more requests needed to archive this.
Do it for literature.

Someone make a throwaway account on Scidb or something. Rapidshare's upload limit is killing this.


And I fully support Kool-Aid instead of blood.

>>916401

GENIUS

Put it up as a google doc or some place online. I dont want to download it.

This file is neither allocated to a Premium Account, or a Collector's Account, and can therefore only be downloaded 10 times.

This limit is reached.

>>915584
>replace "blood" with jenkem
fix'd

>>915618
>>915680
>>915682
It is the Ursula K. Le Guin novella The Word for World is Forest
I shit you not, its all the same

Reupload:

PDF format: http://www.mediafire.com/file/acz29gpodcejyav/Twilight-ReVAMPed.pdf

DOC format: http://www.mediafire.com/file/4ojetyzv1hwgsup/Twilight-ReVAMPed.doc

>>922134
ARCHIVE NAU

>>922799
Done.