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/lit/ - Literature

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9217646 No.9217646 [Reply] [Original]

Two Birds and Rain

Two birds were dancing.
One in the sky, one on the ground.
Then raindrops started falling.
And there were no bird in the sky,
nor the ground.

Ground was wet and the plants grew.
Then final raindrops ended.
And birds returned,
to a garden called home.

How can i improve this poem i wrote?

>> No.9218365

笔哟哎木批

>> No.9218414

Stop writing like an autist. Poetry is about placing right words in the right places, for starters use less garbage words like 'then' or 'on'. Use iambs to keep the rhythm going, lines like
>And there were no bird in the sky
have no pulse, it's just a bunch of connecting words.

>> No.9218420

Post more anime pictures.

>> No.9218427

>>9217646

Read an introduction to poetry and a thousand more poems and then re-write it.

>> No.9218433

>>9217646
Stop being a fag and write prose.

>> No.9218516
File: 13 KB, 259x206, 1473368561606.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
9218516

>>9218420
Okay


Thanks guys. If I dont call it poetry can i pass it off as "artful" writing? Like a short short story.