/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.12276745]

>Go to the library to pick up some new books.
>Pick up some books like Anna Karenina, Lolita and some Jane Austen.
>Take then to the counter.
>Librarian give me a puzzled look.
>”So uhh, you like romance novels? What do you know about love? you’re a loner”
>Librarian laughs at me over the PA system
>Everyone starts laughing
>Hear cute bookfu girl call me a creep
>Security guard asks me to leave
>Just received email telling me my membership has been revoked.

[Anonymous No.12276754]

>>12276745
Hate when that happens.

[Anonymous No.12276758]

You should've pointed out that only someone deranged would class Lolita as a romance and then called the police

[Anonymous No.12276760]

When will libraries take a cue from theaters and finally invoke a no singles policy?

[Anonymous No.12276762]

Least funny greentext I've seen in years, apply yourself.

[Anonymous No.12276778]

>>12276760
>no singles policy
Do some theatres really do this?

[Anonymous No.12276783]

>>12276760
This is a thing?

[Anonymous No.12276801]

*Hop in*

[Anonymous No.12276811]

>>12276783
it's a /tv/eddit meme

[Anonymous No.12276818]

>>12276778

It scares away couples and families when they let in creepy loners to watch movies. Also they're a risk for being a mass shooter, since they always work alone.

[Anonymous No.12276876]

>>12276745
>Librarian laughs at me over the PA system
>Everyone starts laughing
Kek. First time i’ve laughed at one of these in a while

[Anonymous No.12276884]

>>12276760
Yea but you can redeem yourself as an honorary couple if you work for 3 weeks in the popcorn mines

[Anonymous No.12276889]

>>12276884
Meant for >>12276778

[Anonymous No.12276925]

>go to library to get copy of Demons
>head to checkout
>"Alright you'll just need to complete the mandatory language proficiency test"
>usually just basic shit, easy as fuck
>"alright you're good to go, right after you pass the speaking supplement"
>oh fuck forgot they added they
>"Please pronounce the following phrase: 'я бyдy зaщищaть тeбя'"
>say 'я бyдy зaШиШaть тeбя' by mistake
>librarian (poorly) suppresses a laugh
>"I don't think you're quiet ready for this text."
>throws my library card and the book down the ink well
why the fuck do we need to take the language exam for translations? it's not fair bros.

[Anonymous No.12276938]

>>12276745
Do American libraries really have security guards?

[Anonymous No.12276940]

>>12276925
*quite, FUCK

[Anonymous No.12276965]

>>12276818
are they really that fucked in america?

[Anonymous No.12276997]

>>12276925
>go to the library to get a used copy of Finnegans Wake
>passed the Ulysses entrance exam last week
>able to bullshit my way through some of the gobbledygook conjoined words
>librarian smiles
>"you did well, now here's this one sir:"
>spell bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawns
>i spell it bababadalgharaghtakaminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawns
>librarian has to stifle a giggle
>"oh i'm sorry sweetie, i guess you're quiet not ready"
>incinerates library card and sits on it
why the fuck do we need to memorize the thunder words?

[« ƸЖƷ » No.12277026]

>>12276938
No. The whole post is made up

[Anonymous No.12277032]

>>12276938
Americans have school cops, so they probably have library security guards.

[Anonymous No.12277037]

>>12276938
>>12277026
Really? Mine here in Kansas City does.

[Anonymous No.12277039]

>>12276965
yeah, one time i tried to get around that by going with a male friend, but the ticket person asked me if i was gay. i said yes (in order to get into the movie), but my friend immediately denied it, and the guy literally would not sell us any tickets

[Anonymous No.12277044]

>>12277026
what? my library in texas has a sheriff with a cowboy hat in it

[Anonymous No.12277046]

>>12276938
No but before entering you're given a collar that will explode if you don't take a book and leave before the allotted time.

[Anonymous No.12277048]

>>12277044
Is there a library in Texas that is shaped like a giant cowboy hat? I will be disappointed if no

[Anonymous No.12277050]

>>12277046
what kind of library is that? mine doesn't do that

[Anonymous No.12277054]

>>12277046
My library still uses the old "gem in the hand that glows when your time is up" method.

[Anonymous No.12277065]

>>12277048
i remember i used to go to a library that was shaped like any other old library (as it were, stoned and rectangular like warm cookie cinder blocks) and inside there was a lasso around this woman who was straddling this horse who was bucking her and bucking her and bucking her so i guess that counts

[Anonymous No.12277079]

>take a wrong turn and end up in the Sacrament of Marriage Theology aisle
>cute girl wearing a chapel veil correctly assumes i'm lost and asks me what i'm looking for
>too embarrassed to say the graphic novel section so I just blurt out F-Flannery O'conner
>She frowned, told me its a sin to lie, and walked away

[Anonymous No.12277115]

>>12277039
i would have gone with you anon

j-just pretend boyfriend tho of course haha

[Anonymous No.12277238]

not literature

>>12276762
this. also instead of "apply" I suggest "kill"

[Anonymous No.12277505]

>>12276997
its missing an m in the second line just in case anyone else is autistic

[Anonymous No.12277539]

>>12276997
>>12276925
>go to the library to get The Iliad and the Odyssey
>Last week the librarian asked me to paint a bowl of fruit in the way that Flaubert would have to get a book by him
>Fairly simple, made something realistic and a little dry yet romantic
>Same task again but for Homer
>Paint a bowl of fruits with vibrant colors, add incredible depth and shading and include a list of each chemical component that compose each fruit
>repeat that list of chemicals about two or three times just to be sure
>Librarian comes in the small room where she put me
>folds in half laughing
>"oh, no, oh oh, no no, sweetie, you're quiet not ready yet
>Pokes my eyes out and gives my library card to a big guy called Menelaus
Darkness shrouded my eyes

[Anonymous No.12277549]

>>12277539
Kek

[Anonymous No.12277584]

>>12277050
>Anon hasn't been to the Battle Royale Style library
The risk is worth it. It makes it quite memorable honestly.

[Anonymous No.12277605]

>>12276965
Don’t even ask about the condors man.

[Anonymous No.12277690]

>Library suspended my membership for not reading 50% women authors.

[Anonymous No.12277747]

>>12276818
>What was the columbine massacre

[Anonymous No.12277780]

>>12277605
What about the condors?

[Anonymous No.12277790]

>>12277747
I believe you mean the Aurora Theater massacre?

[Anonymous No.12277828]

who else has been in the forbidden section

[Anonymous No.12277849]

>>12276925
>>12276997
>>12277539
>go to the library to pick up a copy of Giles Deleuze’s Difference and Repitition
>passed the Plato exam last week with flying colors
>she asked me to explain the cave analogy and how it related to becoming-imperceptible
>the librarian asks me some basic questions about Hegel, Derrida, Baudrillard, heidegger, and basic postmodernism
>as I pass the multiple choice part of the exam she smiles and cocks her eyebrow
>she pulls out my prompt for the written portion of the exam
>it says “write a 15 page paper showing the effect that poc and gay philosophers have had on the field”
>I’m visibly sweating at this point
>I turn in the paper and after spending 10 minutes in the waiting lounge am called to see the librarian
>she won’t even speak to me and just puts her hand out for my card
>behind her desk I can see and hear my paper in the shredder
>I hand it over and she throws it in the shredder too
>as I’m leaving the library jock hassles me for the last of my cigarettes
When will it ever end

[Anonymous No.12277855]

>>12277828
>feeling curious one day
>notice librarian isn't at her desk
>usually keeps lookout on forbidden section
>heresmychance.jpg
>enter the forbidden section
>close door behind me
>look around
>it's a room full of books for chads
>has authors like joyce, beckett
>pick a book off the shelf
>it's a goldbound hardcover edition of joyce's seminal fart letter to nora
>go to open it when a hand emerges and tears it away
>"anon, you aren't supposed to be here; you're virginal in all ways; you've never held a hand; you've never sniffed the far side of a girl's rump for pleasure"
>get kicked out of the library
>banned for two months
anyone else have this experience?

[Anonymous No.12277874]

>>12277054
Lucky, I once saw a guy get his head blown off when he got stuck in the library mineshaft elevator. It wasn’t even his fault, the library mechanic refused to do any more more since he’d read The Communist Manifesto

[Anonymous No.12277920]

Autistic Christmas posting thread, huh? I guess I'll join in.

>10 year old autist
>had asked the library to order some books they didn't have
>go up to the librarian's desk and ask her if she has any books for me

I don't really understand because I'm still autistic but a bunch of people pointed at me and started laughing. The librarian gave me the books and I left with people still laughing at me and cried as I walked home up the hill.

[Anonymous No.12277931]

>>12277849
>go to the library to pick up the complete works of shakespeare for a college class i'm taking
>aced the chaucer exam last week even though i had crammed the night before
>flying through the multiple choice on hamlet, othello, etc.(took AP courses in high school)
>get to the last question
>"was shakespeare a black female?"
>my eyes glaze over for a second
>room starts to tilt
>start feeling lightheaded, dizzy
>"fuck, what do i say"
>i blank, go with gut
>mark "no"
>hand in paper, go to the waiting lounge
>called in for results
>librarian has the nastiest scowl on her face that i've ever seen
>don't even look at her as she rips up my test and burns it in a nearby incinerator
>told to get my cis-white male ass out of the library and never come back
>i run out with my tail between my legs, emasculated
>i turn
>"as you like it"

[Anonymous No.12277957]

>>12276925
>>12276997
>>12277539
>>12277849
>>12277931
>brush teeth, pick up mail, exercise in preparation of trek to library
>fart on a nearby toilet seat
>head to the library, and step on it, lawyer!
>head up to librarian
>green eyes, gorgeous smile
>i goes to her
>i goes
>"dear miss, i have affected gloomy sadness at having not acquired martin heidegger's seminal being and time; i'd like to request that off of you, as well as a date
>give her the most sly-ridden wink i can muster confidently
>she shifts her eyes askance awkwardly
>tell that the date is a no
>go into the exam for heidegger
>acing through with flying colors
>multiple choice is a breeze, a zephyr
>get to the essay
>my eyes glaze over
>"write about a time in which you didn't feel as if your life had been interminably altered by one big meaningless and awful disruption in childhood that you're trying to repress"
>i leave it blank
>walk out the door myself
they can't keep doing this to us

[Anonymous No.12278041]

Moar

[Anonymous No.12278076]

>>12276745
>>12276754

my library isn't anything like this

[Anonymous No.12278118]

>>12277957
>>12277931
>>12277855
>>12277849
>>12277539
>>12276997
>>12276925
>take the longest, excruciating shit in the toilet
>hear it plop
>hear the water make that distinct satisfying sound of popping and plopping
>pop, plop
>"hmm think i'll go to the library today"
>go up to the librarian without wiping
>"excuse me miss"
>"um i have a boyfriend"
>immediately walk toward the exit
>turn around
>yell at the top of my lungs so the whole library can hear
>"WELL I BET YOUVE NEVER READ PHENOMENOLOGY OF SPIRIT FROM ALL THE CUM YOU TAKE"
>whole place is stunned
>audible gasps
>haven't been back in 2 years

[Anonymous No.12278152]

>tfw you go to the library only to have book bandits break in and take everyone hostage while they raid the library's "teen supernatural romance" section

[Anonymous No.12278633]

>>12277957
>using the greentext form for pathos rather than comedy
Impressive

[Anonymous No.12278686]

>library shooter got his membership revoked for not using a silencer
>got my tip refunded

[Anonymous No.12279029]

I hate it when the librarian pulls down my pants in front of everyone and laughs at my small penis

[Anonymous No.12279096]

>>12279029
You shouldn't go to the library on penis inspection day, then.

[Anonymous No.12279300]

>Penis inspection day at the library.

[Anonymous No.12279371]

Someone write a book in this style. It'll be good.

[Anonymous No.12279376]

>Library just enacted no singles policy

[Sage No.12279409]

>>12276745
Things that didnt happen, the post

[Anonymous No.12279450]

>>12279409
Lighten up, new friend

[Anonymous No.12279502]

>Go to library
>Find copy of book I was looking for
>no entrance exams, language tests or high security or library falcons
>check it out, old librarian is nice and doesnt mock me tells me to have a nice day
>all in all pretty pleasant experience

Where the fuck do you people live where your libraries are these nightmares?

[Anonymous No.12279546]

This joke is funnier on /tv/ with movie theaters since we all know libraries are mostly unused these days and virtually no one posting these actually goes to one.

[Anonymous No.12279547]

>search book on university library's online database
>reserve it with my student id
>pick up book at the library's collection room, self-checkout style with my student card (and return it similarly)
>phew, luckily I was able to avoid any human interaction
>i'm gonna be alone forever amn't I? :(

[Anonymous No.12279638]

>>12279546
City libraries are generally a pretty nice place to go and work

[Anonymous No.12279666]

>>12276758
You silly anon, if you can fap to it it's romance

[Anonymous No.12279709]

>>12279546
Im literally at a library right now.

[Anonymous No.12279725]

>>12276745
A similar event happened to me yesterday, but I was only buying Lolita.

Something about me receiving a preemptive citation for sexual abuse of minors?

[Anonymous No.12279740]

>>12279546
Libraries are where niggers and the homeless go to watch porn and take shits.

[Anonymous No.12279822]

>>12279666
Ah. I get it now.

[Anonymous No.12279826]

>>12276745
should have tipped her better OP

[Anonymous No.12279832]

>library hotdog stand is out of ketchup
wtf, i pay a premium for this shit

[Anonymous No.12279835]

>>12276745
You should have borrowed Kant. The only type of person you can trust in life is a kantian.