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/lit/ - Literature

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1453536 No.1453536 [Reply] [Original]

Would anybody be interested in comparing poetry? I wrote this for a workshop. I was told that it's good but it was difficult to tell why they thought so, and there were a lot of poems I really liked that they hated.

tl;dr, ITT we post our shitty poetry.

>> No.1453548

Man that is a really good poem by /lit/ standards

like really good

it might even be good by real world standards

excellent command of language, it flows remarkably well, has rhythm and sounds good. interesting and vivid imagery. the one thing that i would criticize it for is, well, a certain imprecision and vagueness - the poem seems to give in to that tendency to say something which sounds final and meaningful and good but which does not mean much. "And with each current the bones of our libraries will sigh, bored, our thirst finally sated." It sounds excellent - "our thirst finally sated" is marvelous - but what is its actual semantic content?

>> No.1453611

>>1453548
Haha, that's the part that sort of frustrates me.
I know what I'm getting at, that we'll all die someday and that our words will outlive both our bodies and the experiences that lead us to write them down, and that that death is so great and terrible that it's as if all of humanity were dying, and so inexorable that it's as if God himself were striking us down. And all the while, in our daily lives, we're filled with wanting and some drive for completion, but when the closest thing to that completion comes, the total cessation of action, the only thing that really mattered was our frantic scurrying.
There was some intention to blur the lines between humanity and God, too, but at that point it gets really silly and heady.

>> No.1453621

your line breaks are fucking horrendous.

>> No.1453638

>>1453621
Sometimes I like them. Sometimes they're offensive enough to give me cramps. I am not sure what to do with them.

>>1453548
Thank you, by the way. I'm happy to know that it at least sounds good (to some ears.)

>> No.1453675

ice will crack and
we will sink in
the soon to be
pleasant water,
bubbling words
that shift and shoot
skyward. the glow
will drown and black
out but our hands
shall still sing[til’
they flirt with blues].
the fish will laugh
but rest a shore
gabrielle was
right[,if now raw].

>> No.1453704

>>1453675
The first two lines are neat, but the third and fourth sort of break its rhythm down. I am not sure if "soon to be pleasant water" has enough oomph without context, you might be better served to link it immediately and more verbly to what it is that's making the water pleasant.

I really like the idea of hands working and singing in the dark.

>> No.1453731

>>1453704
Thanks. I know the 3rd and forth are a bit cumbersome, will have to revise that.

>> No.1453743

ZOO POEM

Deep fucking like birth in reverse.
Man balling himself up into coils
of spit and spindle back
down to a hard point around his navel
and falling down toward a woman.

And it is always a falling down with
you and me―

down to the floor in a heap,
our laughter the sound of
gravel dumped from buckets.

The night stand,
the belt loop,
the tiny plastic green gorilla got

for two bucks from that machine at the zoo.
The animals in cages but sleeping anyway.
The inside/outside dichotomy.

And the falling, the tumbling together,
and the way our mimosas shook with golden ripples.

>> No.1453745

Put foot to pavement under sky
so cucumber cool.
Always dream of
disassembling guns, guarding
bullets from the heat of
fingertips. When they arm
the women they do it
for our own good.
Cross on white lines
and faux-brick blacktop
hard tar herringbone.
Cross where you can
when you can.
Cross yourself between
breaths just because
the finger when the mouth
says “Son” sees the lungs
and splits the difference.
I haven't had a handle
on who I am since this
summer, always found
putting plastic bags of spaghetti
into borrowed refrigerator space.
She coming up hot
and quick like a street crime,
hair the color and consistency
of a plane crash.
Me in the kitchen thinking
sometimes “rice cooker”
sounds like a slur
as I harakiri my navel
with an ice cream scoop,
doling out my insides in perfect
portions of red.

>> No.1453801
File: 21 KB, 226x170, _45172581_ditto_nme226i.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1453801

REMEMBER HOW NOBODY IN /lit/ KNOWS A GOOD PIECE OF TEXT WHEN THEY SEE IT?

NO TASTE AT ALL.

>> No.1454566

>>1453536
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vszyYMCQPsJ4gApGL

>>1453675
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vbumWun1jL4YwhiDp

>>1453743
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vCVf5cv5MhnoBQbfM

>> No.1454571

>>1453745
Did this one once before. Been revised!
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vA13YtDVHDvRv8CnB

>> No.1454579

a draining of sending
the wholeness of wondrous
is frantic, a pacing
the edges of beings
is breathing and breeding
in sync with being,
the edges of hammers
as sparks emerging
-glow in rhythm with the turn signal
-spirits flickering, gasping on hope
synchronized with the
swirl about the drain,
the wholeness of rain
at the edges of buildings,
parallel beings and
lightness in chests
and breathing winter,
the boldness of walls,
the edges of being in a room with you
-headlights passing, casting sunrises, oh lord
-millions per hour arrive, miles spent singing, oh god
being singled out
in the rhythm of
syncing with sending
and whole pages turning,
gasping, asking, series of echoes
at the edge of being with you.

>> No.1454584

>>1453745
best in the thread, to my mind. Bravo.

>> No.1454585

>>1454579
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vwwBGLhaYMxjycMoK

>> No.1454598

>>1453745

I don't get it. Whats it about? Whats the point?

>> No.1454618

>>1454598
if you can't appreciate art beyond a "point" then I honestly feel bad for you.

>> No.1454625

>>1454618

That's stupid. If you're just saying words cause they sound good, then you're wasting your breath.

Blippity bloop,
moppilty moop,
Plobilty poop.

Damn being an artist/poet is easy.

>> No.1454628
File: 447 KB, 1024x749, lm1024.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1454628

>>1454625

Word.

>> No.1454642

>>1454625
http://vocaroo.com/?media=vM6okgv5YKvVZKtLX

look i made this

>> No.1454661

>>1454625
>That's stupid. If you're just saying words cause they sound good, then you're wasting your breath.
Says who?

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.