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/lit/ - Literature

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14762913 No.14762913 [Reply] [Original]

Thoughts on my prose, /lit/?

>> No.14762921

>cliche in the first sentence
you are aesthetically doomed my friend

>> No.14762937

>>14762921
Filtered

>> No.14763002

>>14762913
Pretty bad, desu.

>we were all we were all (doing fuck all)
>everyone everyone (monotonous obscuration)
>I deserve the hedonism
This ranks up there with some of the most clunky phrases I have ever read
>put all my might into
This is a pathetic description of action. You removed all impact from the single action in the scene.

Everything about this sucks. I honestly would keep none of it. There is a total lack of precision and impact. It fails to accomplish any of the goals of conveying action, meaning, or feeling.

>> No.14763004

Not OP but how do I learn to write prose?

>> No.14763005

>>14762937
hey, you asked for it.

>> No.14763012

>>14763002
>>14763004
>>14763005
Filtered

>> No.14763013

>>14763004
You write, submit, get critiqued, meditate/research, and improve.

>> No.14763038

>>14763013
is there like any sort of base knowledge I should know (like how artists have to learn perspective and color wheel) or should I just start writing?

>> No.14763039

I like to integrate modified quotes from dead presidents/political figures as if they are an original thought from the MC
thoughts?

>> No.14763084

embarassing. read more.

>> No.14763093

>>14762913
>and blueberries and junior year
Literally said 'blech' out loud

>> No.14763097

>>14763039
Give an example

>> No.14763104

Ghastly rigmarole.

>> No.14763124

>>14762913
this reads like a black teenager wrote it

>> No.14763147

>>14763097
one from last night
>Pistol grip irritation in his lower back now felt like an unnecessary precaution. The eager researchers had Roberts speaking softly while carrying a very fucking big stick indeed.

>> No.14763185

>>14762913
>two paragraphs that tell you actually nothing

Typical pseud

>> No.14763255 [DELETED] 

>"NIGGERS could be here" he thought, "I've never been in this neighborhood before. There could be NIGGERS anywhere." The slick nylon felt good against his upholstery. "I HATE NIGGERS" he thought. Sweet Dreams are Made of These reverberated his entire chassis, making it pulsate even as the $9 synthetic additive circulated through his powerful 2.5 L HSC I4 and lubricated away his (merited) fear of minorities after dark. "I am a Lincoln, not a Ford" he said to himself, out loud.

>> No.14763261

>"NIGGERS could be here" he thought, "I've never been in this neighborhood before. There could be NIGGERS anywhere." The slick nylon felt good against his plush velour upholstery. "I HATE NIGGERS" he thought. Sweet Dreams are Made of These reverberated his entire chassis, making it pulsate even as the $9 synthetic additive circulated through his powerful 2.5 L HSC I4 and lubricated away his (merited) fear of minorities after dark. "I am a Ford, not a Lincoln" he said to himself, out loud.

>> No.14763511

>>14762913
Holy... I want more

>> No.14763530

>>14762913
Been a while since I felt the need to ask an OP for a refund.

>> No.14763583

>>14762913
>we were we were we--
>This record won't stop turning over inside me . . .
> Nevada. Junior Year. My lips: desiccated, blueberry lip-(em)balmed. Together we form a stumbling cavalcade all the way back to the hotel, and up to the room. I never dragged my feet unless the rug had already been pulled out from under them, yet here I am. Resolutely inconsolable, and toast myself with a long pull on the bottle.

Second paragraph it too meta to parse and trim.

>> No.14763588

>>14763583
>*inconsolable, *I* toast ….

>> No.14763629

>>14762913
>I deserve the hedonism

That’s when you went full retard. Never go full retard.

Half of your writing is cliches, the other half consists of bad attempts to be funny. Two paragraphs in and I cannot figure what the story is about. That’s bad, really bad. But not hopeless. My advice is to think about a character, get to know him/her and then write us 2 paragraphs about him. Then I can tell you if you should give up or keep going. To me it feels like you love your own literary voice, you like to hear yourself talk, so to speak, but ain’t got nothing to say.

>> No.14763634

>>14763261
Now that’s good prose OP, take notes

>> No.14764621

bump

>> No.14764832

Go with simple words desu, 'hedonism' sounds pretentious as fuck next to the rest of the passage

>> No.14766201

>>14763004
Read more, write more.

>> No.14766234

>>14762913
Let me rewrite that for you:

In Nevada I drunkenly threw myself into a sliding door.