Poetry Thread

[Anonymous No.17086039]

Post & Rate
Do both

[Anonymous No.17086060]

>>17086039
We bone
At my place

Lick my balls
And smother my face

Just shut up
And know your place

[࿇ C Œ M G E N V S ࿇ !KNDYwWWmRs No.17086197]

NO HAY DE PLANITUD DEMASÍA

QUE ES CARENCIA, NO PLENITUD,

LA PECTORIL HIPERTROFÍA.


ES MAGNITUD DE MÁS, A MÁS

DE BELLA SERLO NUNCA, SIEMPRE

PLEONASMO CORPORAL, NOMÁS.


LA DE PECHO GRAN PEQUEÑEZ

DE MÁS SERÁ; FEA JAMÁS

—GRATO RASGO DE VENUSTEZ.


SI NO DASE TALLA CABAL

CÓJASE PUES EL GRÁCIL RAS,

QUE NO EL BURDO BULTO MAMAL.


REGIO, EXQUISITO DE DELECTO ES AQUEL;

AQUESTE, TOSCO DE MALACIA ES SENO OBSCENO.

[࿇ C Œ M G E N V S ࿇ !KNDYwWWmRs No.17086224]

>>17086060


LAZY RHYMING, NO DISCERNIBLE METER; THERE IS PROSODY, BUT NULL STYLE, OR GOOD TASTE —VULGAR TRASH.

I RATE: THREE OUT OF TEN.

[Anonymous No.17086235]

>>17086197
ahorcarte pedo

[Anonymous No.17086256]

>>17086039
They're short so I'll post three

1.The night is cold
The dogs are out

Searching for those
Who were never found

And every howl that
goes up to the moon

Is a prayer for them
To come back soon

2.And off your still, cerulean lips
I'll kiss away the icy dew
And if this doesn't bring you life
I'll stay and freeze with you

3.
I plunge myself into the night
As if into an ocean
waiting for exploration
And though I promised myself
Not to leave with a baggage
I couldn't help but gather
A collection of stars in my eyes
On my way
Into the pavement

>>17086060
These meme sex poems are getting tiresome
>>17086197
No hablo español, amigo.

[Anonymous No.17086816]

>>17086039
Can there be a sun that wishes not to shine?
Or a moon that the poets find not sublime?
Can distraught gale be without the face of the rose?
Can the rose it’s fragrance to all corners not throw?
Can the meadow’s grass without the dew of dawn be?
Which shines and glitters so brilliantly?
Can the streets be without the evening’s lamps
When the merchants fade into nonexistance?
Can the lover be without a goblet of wine?
When his aching heart for the Beloved pines?

[Anonymous No.17086880]

There are no stars here, only eyes.
When you were young you were swallowed whole,
By these eyes.
Your mother is there.
Hating you.
Your father is there.
Lying to you.
The eyes are there.
Their lids are bending into milky crescents.
Like smiles.
The eyes are smiling at you.
Drinking you in.
And you ask,
"Where did the stars go?"

[Anonymous No.17087125]

Never in the coming of the rose-red Spring,
Never in the passing of the wine-red fall,
May you hear the humming of the white bee’s wing
Murmur o’er the meadow, ere the night bells call

Wait till winter gardens in the cold grey sky,
Wait till leaves are fallen and the brooks all freeze,
Then above the gardens where the dead flowers lie,
Swarm the merry millions of the wild white bees.
Henry van Dyke

[Anonymous No.17087137]

>>17087125
winter hardens*, dammit

[Anonymous No.17087171]

>>17086197

[Anonymous No.17087237]

>>17086256
>These meme sex poems are getting tiresome
True, they are getting really fucking cringe and lazy at this point.
"Dude Sex lol", should not be anyone older than 17's idea of humour (and you have to be at least 18 to post here).
I did like that "give me your ass" one though, anyone remember that one?

[Anonymous No.17087359]

>>17086197
this is an english-language board, stupid pseud hack pleb dilettante faggot. why don't you fuck off to forocoches? O wait, you're probably a pseud in spanish too, and they bullied you even harder than we do. dumb tripfaggot, i hope you get shanked

[Anonymous No.17087400]

>>17087359
Kill yourself

[Anonymous No.17087407]

>>17087359
>forocoches
lol, is that like Spanish 4chan or Spanish Reddit?
Never heard about it before but apparently it was initially supposed to be a forum about cars...lol.

[Anonymous No.17087420]

>>17086197
leave the children alone pedófilo

[Anonymous No.17087466]

[Anonymous No.17087469]

>>17086235
>>17087420
What did he say?

[Anonymous No.17087473]

Is
That than which
Eternity of Heaven
Or
Heaven of Eternity

Wintry meadow frore which o’er flew
A wind out-thundered by distant waves

The only voice I hear
My own
Fey

Book soldered shut in exasperation
Poem unlimited, no capstone placed
And boundless rid ruinous

Waves cosmic creative fi torn apart
Outspeak my mind burning out of that day
Clauses within which the Day of Wrath broke
Metre parted until formed as in time
Accepted questing to encamp before
Pi-taharoth the desilted house strung
As silent rhematic stars instrumental
On the galactic lute singing its beasts
Of Neginoth neither accept nor reject
That vacuous sublime expression vain
As art is all and all between Migdal
Towering proud without a name to write
And temple here between this and the sea
Over against the hyaline horizon
Stood astride on two mountains – Baal-Zephon –
Of his name third in eminence but still
Worshipped strong to come in Zeman neket
By the line of Zebulun multiplied
With great Carthage bavelous colony
Equal the Hyksos kings as Joseph did
That king of old to climb the stone mountain
Reaching stellar depths dual the mirror sun
Of black saturnine and golden divine

[Anonymous No.17087489]

bones what bones may, an august field
yellow harry thickens
trumpets swirl and beckon

lay red paper, breathe hard
tarry____________________old bastard runs the field
rip it, i haven't. invaders
old men, like women.

all over now. all over.

[Anonymous No.17087507]

>>17087489
I like it, can't pretend to understand - but it is terse and well-structured, obviously thought out. Tarry, followed by the tarrying line - interesting that it isn't pure white-space, maybe to represent the field?

The repetition is golden - all over now. all over. I like the full stop, the finality and quietness, it really expresses the lack of energy.

[Anonymous No.17087518]

>>17086816
try to make every line start with "Can" and end with a question mark, which would really hone the effect. perhaps have the final line be a statement and not a question, as the last line seems to be the answer to the others whilst a question in itself

[Anonymous No.17087522]

Never really write poetry. I don't know metre so I'm not even going to attempt it.

They tear at my heart,
Black wolves of the night,
my tears shower them,
my blood keeps them warm.

They're the predators
of my insecurity, my
deficiencies, and my sorrow.
I'm their feast;
The last communion
of my soul.

How can I revise this?

[Anonymous No.17087562]

>>17086880
nice, cyclical structure - hard to find fault with such simple poetry, but that is this poem's strength. My only real complaint is that the lines don't seem to have a metre/structure to a rigid enough degree, but this is minimal;

"hating you." and "lying to you." - you can see that despite these being two parallel lines, they are not the same metrically - this doesn't have a bearing in the sense of clarity or meaning but as a structural whole I find this to be a fault, lines only mirror in their content, but not also in placement (except the first and last) and metre.

"swallowed" in the second line is mirrored by "drinking you in" but not on the corresponding second-to-last line.
it could easily be:

Drinking you in.
And you ask: "Where did the stars go?"

you lose the enjambed pause, yes. But now the lines correspond and also the 1st and last line now have the same amount of syllables. you could enhance this further by mirroring the eyes-stars imagery like this:

Drinking you in.
your eyes ask: "Where did the stars go?"

you see? a fuller structural unity can enhance any poem greatly, at least in my eyes (haha - eyes)

[Anonymous No.17087613]

lol you're supposed to critique when you post, I'm not critiquing everyone's for them

[Anonymous No.17087700]

**** A Fragment ****

Will he ever be a woman?
No, sadly I must say:
He will never be a woman,
Not now, nor any day.

He may wear a skirt and lipstick
And try on women's shoes,
Even mangle that which dangles
Inside his pantaloons.

But he'll never be a woman,
And try though as he may,
He will never be a woman,
Not now, nor any day.

[Anonymous No.17087729]

>>17087469
Is an ode to little girl's breasts

[Anonymous No.17087740]

Suffocate!
In our shroud of regrets
Where wars of idealism
Are fought and lost!
To the bitter angels of our nature
Where our shadow falls in tears
Time turns voices into stone
>>17087700
Based/10

[Anonymous No.17087744]

>>17087729
Flat chests, not little girl’s chests

[Anonymous No.17087752]

>>17087744
Kevin is a confessed pedo, what do you think he meant?

[Anonymous No.17087755]

>>17086197
Muy chistoso

[Anonymous No.17087764]

My head wags over colored steam
that strays from a pale pond, it flows up my nostrils
and cushions my cold brain.

Then it morphs into an old picture,
a group of strangers breathing basil in a room,
their faces snug in new laughter.

And for a minute I see my own face streaming
from their warm lips, bouncing through the room
light as a handkerchief.

But I remember where I really am,
earthbound like a stump while death
disturbs the air and authors isolation.

[Anonymous No.17087777]

Entramos en la vida por la puerta errada
En un tiempo bellaco, con la cara sudada
Nos sentimos llamar, siempre más fuertes
Nos sentimos morir, pero no era la muerte
Es la vida riendo, que nos coge la mano
Nos quitó las cadenas, nos llevó a lo lejano
Pero oyendo hablar de mujeres y vino
Y un amor bastardo que abortaba a un niño
Y de viejos mercantes, y de ratas pagadas
De fábricas vaciadas y de caras afamadas.

Rogamos a la vida que no nos deje morir
Sin ver un ocaso para poder recordar
Y el ocaso ya estaba, caía la noche en una casa
Y al sol saliendo nos pegaba el desprecio
Pero oyendo hablar de una mujer en el espejo
Y de un muchacho de 20 años que moría de viejo
Y de un viejo recuerdo con 20 años pasados
De ocasiones falladas, y de trenes perdidos
Descubrimos el amor, descubrimos la calle
Defendimos el honor con las risa y la sangre.

Y olvidamos la casa y su calor como era
Por el calor, más frio y una fría celda
Y matamos al amor, saludando a la muerte
Y vencimos cambiando aún más fuerte.

[Anonymous No.17087783]

>>17087777
Nice quads and nice poem anon!

[Anonymous No.17087829]

>>17087522
It’s good that you start with imagery rather than abstractions like “insecurity” and “deficiencies” but you want to avoid predictable images like wolves dating the heart. And as you may have guessed by my first remark, you want to avoid using abstractions in poetry unless they’re particularly innovative or you’ve traveled to before the 20th century. You want to show the reader what your insecurity and sorrow feels like, don’t just tell them. Rely on images consistently, and try to be a bit more creative.

>>17087473
Coleridge said that a reader of poetry should be “carried forward, not merely or chiefly by the mechanical impulse of curiosity, nor by a restless desire to arrive at the final solution, but by the pleasurable activity of the journey itself” and your poem experts the reader to arrive at your goal without giving him that pleasure. It’s too opaque without the aesthetic gratification that lets poets like Crane or the more complex of Blake manage success. You need to learn to write plainly and beautifully before you attempt intellectualism.
>>17087466
This isn’t too bad, the cosmic imagery verges on cliche in its usage but overall it feels like you tried to be surprising and I’ll give credit for that. I advise against falling too heavily on poetic tropes like stars and whatever metaphysical interaction we may have with them.


I am >>17087764

[Anonymous No.17087881]

>>17086197
Can't read it
>>17086256
Sing-songy basic end-rhyme structure and repetitive. First poem doesn't develop along its stanzas.
>>17086816
Not huge on question poems. Hard to end with a question well too. The oppressive end-rhyme structure is jarring as well. That's my opinion but there is so much more to rhyme than end-rhyme and it's usually used by novice formalists. Sounds like a Hallmark card.
>>17086880
I like 'bending into crescents' better. 'Milky' doesn't add anything. Again, it's hard to end on a question well, I don't think this does.
>>17087466
Repetition is too basic. I can tell you want to have a nice structure. Galactic whale would be better as just 'whale', you describe what it does right after, 'galactic' just clogs up the phrase. >>17087489
Reads like an academic imitation of Ashbery or something
>>17087764
I don't think the first line grabs at all. For me the first line and its potential enjambment should be really propulsive. The enjambment from 'steam' into 'that' doesn't do anything: by that I mean it seems arbitrary to end the line there, no effect is achieved, the line logically should have kept going without a break.

Think more about what you want your stanzas and line rhythms to evoke for the reader. I'm not sure why you have these 2 lines that are bisected by commas, those types of soft stops aren't anywhere else so I search for significance to them and can't find any. They also don't add to the metrical flow or rhythm of the section. I'm not being intentionally harsh, you have potential and I can tell you think about the craft so keep writing.

[Anonymous No.17087895]

>>17087881
Really good critique on the enjambent, I need to be a lot more intentional about structure. Other critiques are helpful as well, thank you. Where’s your work?

[Anonymous No.17087930]

>>17087895
me
>>17087881

[Anonymous No.17087957]

>>17087700
>>17087700
>>17087700
>>17087700

[Anonymous No.17087959]

>>17087930
Jesus, this is one of the best I’ve read on lit, no wonder you give such competent feedback. Are you published / seeking to be? For some reason this reminds me of Auden or Armitage. Are you British? Who are your influences? I actually don’t have any feedback for this sadly. For me, everything is working exactly as it seems to intend.

[Anonymous No.17087984]

>>17087959
>>17087930
Easy on the samefagging...

[Anonymous No.17087995]

>>17087984
What? He critiqued my poem >>17087764 I get excited about good poetry, I can’t help it, I know it’s gay as shit but whatever.

[Anonymous No.17088005]

>>17087959
Thanks. I'm published in a good journal but just once for now, always working towards more. Got a manuscript I've iterated a few times and submitted to recent rounds of contests etc. I'm American. I admire early Auden but I don't think I write like him. Robert Duncan, Gerard Hopkins, Stevens, Carl Phillips...the list is too long.

I don't post many poems in these threads anymore but I do check them out and I'll post something I don't think is as good or has gotten rejected by many places already.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088006]

>>17087700

Pretty to the point and funny. Keep it up.

>>17087522

The key to good symbolism is either doing everything to not state the thing directly but keep repeating it in different images or to repeat it so much in so many parallel ways that the thought is overwhelming and powerful. You should choose either or both of these methods and revise accordingly.

>>17087473

Too much Elision comes off unskilled or pretentious

Good ideas and ideas of images but I would suggest reading some Clark Ashton smith especially his apocalypse of evil, it’ll help you unwrap that imagery you want. You need to focus, do you want a lyrical feel? Do you want it to unfold like a musical consolation? Is this to feel like a conjuration? I would suggest trying to figure that out

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088031]

Two poems, rating/critique of either would be appreciated.

The King of flame Awakens to the northern Queen

“heavy hoarfrost has covered all
the northern wind whistles and blows
as pale Boreas blessed snows fall
with hail, as slushy water flows
past my window I see there grows
a blue rose alive among ice
and a voice calls out to me twice

“I crown me with the crooked limbs
of the frost befallen giants
and greater are my silent hymns
than the treasures of the tyrants
pluck the Rose abhorrent of spring
it is my silver marriage ring”


I listened to the voice that singed
softer than the sweetest maiden
was it my own rev’ry that ringed
or some spirit I’ve mistaken?
unless I grab the Rose it seemed
it would remain something I dreamed

I deemed this too much and hurried
towards the blue rose I journeyed
i neared and felt something quite queer
my chest’s warmth grew as I came near
towards that blue gem set in white
I grasped it and saw a bright light

in my hand I now held a ring
and I without fearing frostbite
wore it to see what it would bring
suddenly it turned into night
yet I tasted not bitter sting
and my eyes opened and gained sight


all around me fell blue petals
and each petal burnt hot as flame
but not the flame which melts metals
nor the flame of the devil’s shame
the flame’s name and love are the same
though It was an inner fire
it felt ice cold of desire

now wrapped in a blanket of blue
another flash, all is now snow
I heard her again “now go through
walk this path and I you will know”
but I could no longer now go
my body was fully broken
but the flame remained unbroken

my form was naught but snow and ice
but I held on to my inner heat
I tried getting up even thrice
towards she who’s voice was so sweet
I went out to marry and meet
suddenly my form had shattered
and all of me was now scattered

but my soul and my flame were one
though now as a servant of flame
I swore that this path shall be done
and her who’s voice cries I will claim
i darted as a flame that spun
and spiraled across the cold road
her wind whistle was my sole goad 

I was now in a northern land
I felt such a euphoria
as I beheld a sight so grand
she was Purple winged boreia
Ice was her crown and her scepter
she shined clear white like a specter
or a phantasmagoria

though I a flame and she winter
we embraced and my form returned
reformed from ashes and cinder
and I grasped the bride I had earned
for whom my soul had burned and yearned

her flame and my frost then married
they became one in self and kind
all differences were emptied
and we became one gentle mind”

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088038]

I sign this by the holy purgatorial fire
and the river of lethe and fivefold Eunoia
transmute me in accordance with the Lord’s desire
that is my sole fruit, bread, meat, milk and euphoria


in the midst of a mist covered land stand I
let me try to recall how and why
I pry first from my memory a woodland
old and deserted, now a wasteland
save for the Sphinx statue which made me tremble
it guarded an abandoned temple
its incense was all pervading dread
lit by a river of clouds blood red
fearing the night fall and the ferocious beasts
i entered the temple lacking priests

the once worshipped idols no longer hallowed
are now by the dark abyss hollowed
something seemed amiss in the yawning darkness
I heard mourning cries of a goddess
and saw the monstrous idol with Dew adorned

“he who is rejected and Adored”

I heard as I stepped towards the vile image
with courage I relate its visage

the legs of scorpions and a lizards face
and a crab’s claw bearing a cruel mace
and its other hand a bear’s paw lifted up
and before it was a dark red cup
its color was heaven’s own starry tincture
i stepped forth to grab the admixture

but again I heard that goddess siren cry
I stepped back in fear that I may die
then I beheld from whence the cup I would rip
the stone fleshed hand of a statue’s grip
and with the cruel goddess voice she spake to me
“I have mingled the blood of the free
and the astral cross of the four Royal hosts
with the beheaded one and his ghosts
brought to him by the gorgons dread face
which bound to dark ignorance the human race”

then opened her delirious eyes
they shined not with darkness, for they were her lies
in them layed a million blasphemies
my soul was trapped in her pleasing agonies
I was nearly beguiled but came three
who came to this tenebrous place to save me

they held outstretched three swords, longest was their chiefs
(this is naught but a Christian’s beliefs
be not alarmed as if a strange new doctrine
for I veil the only truth sovereign)
their swords pierced through my soul‘s every part
revealing even my inmost heart
then I arosed free from my dark stone prison
thrice infused by the great lord risen

then I beheld that object of derision
that former idol in my vision
crippled, divided and laying there prostrate
in the name of love, hope and of faith
I seized the cup from the abomination
by the lord of true combination
I blessed it saying “i bless you with marriage
and I rebuke your confused mirage
love without the lovers be not truest love
for the marriage of heaven above
is with the earth below in obedience
a curse then on disobedience “

Cont

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088044]

>>17088038

and as I spoke these words a pearl of great price
arose from the dark cup shining thrice
thrice perfect, thrice holy, thrice infused and blest
I seized the pearl and entered deep rest


I awaken now in the midst of the mist
in a small boat, with no human to assist
nor to grant direction nor grant me guidance
but as I sat in the fog and deep silence
I remember that my sole captain and guide
is the captain of eternity who died
and now lives and reigns forever in power
neither poet, Sybil nor pomp could scour
the white robes stained with the cracks of broken clay
gained when Adam had ate of the fruit that day
how then can they lead me across the river
into the green pasture, shining like silver
decked with glories more splendid than the whole earth?
through this my faith, I saw he of virgin birth

though he stood far off and upon the waters
I knew it was he, the groom of earths daughters
and he cried out to me “ be thou unafraid!
it is I, through me was your soul knit and made”

and I shout to him “to the lord I now pray
if it be you who calls out, leave me not stay
but call thou me upon the waters to come”
and my lord with utter peace said to me “come “

I stepped out of the boat and upon the waves
for a moment I looked down and saw the graves
of men within the waters, as if they slept
they lay there motionless in the darkest depth

in that moment I fell into the dark deep
but the shepherd clenches with his hand his poor sheep
the fog vanishes like darkness slain by light
he embraces me, wiping my tears and blight
and he leads me to the place which knows not night

[Anonymous No.17088051]

>>17088005
Good taste, if anything I can see the Phillips. You both have that brainy style, which is what I linked to Auden because I see him that way at times but for sure it’s a different approach overall. Seems you like the higher register stuff in general, I feel it, though I’m not familiar with Duncan. Wish you well anon.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088055]

>>17086880

Remove milky crescents and try to hit harder on the exact aesthetic of the image you posted, I don’t have a problem with milky but crescent sounds out of place.

[Anonymous No.17088062]

I wrote this poem a while ago when I was thinking of hanging myself.

Slip your head in with black arms around you
Tighten the knot and fall above the floor
And this is how your mother found you
They carry your body outside the door
Pain! Pain!
They cried like crows
Why? Why?
But no one would ever know.

[Anonymous No.17088083]

>>17088062
I’m ok now and I already posted this on b but I guess y the heck not post it another time

[Anonymous No.17088090]

>>17088005
Howdy anon. First I'd like to say that I really enjoy what you've posted so far. I've been thinking about publishing or competing in a competition myself. As a person with experience, do you have any advice you'd wish to offer for those wishing to take this hobby to the next level? On a personal note I've been having hell even finding these types of groups to even compete with.

Once again, thank you for sharing your work.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088097]

>>17088062

Doesn’t really give my anything to grab on to, only the “but no one would ever know” rings out with any genuine emotion. I think rewriting it just with the intent of putting the feeling of your suicidal feeling into it would make it a superior poem.

Here’s a related poem, not to say mine is any better it’s just on a similar theme.

in a desolate landfill sat
a broken rope and rusted lock
the lock would try to start a chat
“broken rope do not curse the clock

time is the slayer of all things
do not cry because we are dead
no matter locks or ropes or Kings
all things shall rot and become dead”

the Rope replied while still wailing
“it is not for myself I cry
I cry for one who was ailing
from his soul he wanted to die

he came to me in that hour
he was my owner and master
he knew he could use my power
he said “now end this disaster”

the dagger of his soul stabbed him
the taunting of his soul mocked him
his soul’s deep darkness blinded him
his soul’s anguish brought him to me

he gave me his trust and last faith
around a gnarled branch he took me
to rescue him, this was his fate
he twisted me into a noose


around his neck I embraced him
I could now finally free him
but his soul would not release him
it shouted “no more! let him go”

I then replied “you killed the man”
my body then strentched, “leave him go!”
I then replied “you killed the man”
and my master gave me a smile

the soul departed from the earth
and my body let itself rest
my master then fell to the dirt
and with him also did I fall

my lament is for my master
no other shall be my master
my soul grieves me for my master
master save me from my own soul

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088157]

>>17086816

I get you’re going for contrasting images but you’re not painting enough images per line to warrant it. I’d just lessen the amounts of scenes and try to unpack a few of the dualities in a longer fashion.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088318]

>>17087740

Remove the angels line and have a raspy voice shouting it and it would be pretty fun

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17088488]

>>17086197

Unrelated to the thread, besides trying to gather more attention or to stand out, do you have any particular reason to always capitalize? Seems kinda rude

[Anonymous No.17088708]

>>17086039
At night
After day

You come out

For pay
Not play

Still gay?
>>17087764
What does it mean?
>>17087740
so so
>>17087613
10/10 great poem
>>17086256
2 has the most potential.

[Anonymous No.17089286]

>>17088708
you should put more effort into things friend :)
>>17087930
Really cool, especially:
>I rebel by receding to an ever-stricter formalism
>reminiscent of safe words spat around a bridle
I also really like the two lines that precede this, but I'd personally cut >they're well-versed in ignoring daily.


Ha-Almah sings in adoration while
her swelling lips bestow a crown of ashes
upon a bed of hay. And, waiting above,
the assembly sinks into a dreadful silence
before a vacant seat. The King retreats;
A dove descends upon the weary world.

[Anonymous No.17089642]

Does anyone have any advice on writing good sonnets? I thought I could reword Shakespeare as practice and gaining his style, but this motherfucker has triple meanings, which I can't even imagine to replicate.

[Anonymous No.17089662]

>>17088031
I am going to critique yours because you did mine ( >>17087522 ) but as you can see from my original post, I'm not great at poetry. But for my personal taste, you used too much imagery, adjectives, and metaphor. If it was prose i'd call it purple. Also I don't really the repetition of "I", ie. I heard, I sign, I was, I tasted, etc.kinda sounds like a recount of a list of actions.

[Anonymous No.17089805]

>>17089286
>you should put more effort into things friend :)
That's not bad advice. I don't like it either anymore. It's not good. I have not written anything decent in days. This fucking sucks.

[Anonymous No.17089825]

I fully expect to be brutally mocked as I am a novice with a poor understanding of meter, but I hope it's worth the time it took to read at least. Keep in mind that it's a work in progress.

A maggot, hopeful,
Wriggling and wraggling across a abandoned temple's hide.
The temples heart beats as routine, but the blood doesn't flow.
It's chest groans and it's teeth surrender to the chains of time.
It swallows and swallows without purpose or pride, indulging in a gluttonous rage, commiting to a lustful stagnation, doing away with any and all pasts, effacing all and every future.

What barren face is there, to find respite for the heroic maggot?
What depth can the maggot fall to to lay it's nerves?
The very depths it was once one with now reject the mutilated maggot.

[Anonymous No.17089846]

>>17089805
I fully expect to be brutally mocked as I am a novice with a poor understanding of meter, but I hope it's worth the time it took to read at least. Keep in mind that it's a work in progress.

A maggot, hopeful,
Wriggling across an abandoned temple's hide.
The temples heart beats as routine, but it's blood doesn't flow.
It's chest groans and it's teeth surrender to the chains of time.
It swallows and swallows without purpose or pride, indulging in a gluttonous rage, commiting to a lustful stagnation, doing away with any and all pasts, effacing all and every future.

What barren face is there, for the maggot to find respite?
What depth can the maggot fall to to lay it's nerves?
The very depths it was once one with now reject the mutilated maggot.

[Anonymous No.17089849]

I fully expect to be brutally mocked as I am a novice with a poor understanding of meter, but I hope it's worth the time it took to read at least. Keep in mind that it's a work in progress.

A maggot, hopeful,
Wriggling across an abandoned temple's hide.
The temples heart beats as routine, but it's blood doesn't flow.
It's chest groans and it's teeth surrender to the chains of time.
It swallows and swallows without purpose or pride, indulging in a gluttonous rage, commiting to a lustful stagnation, doing away with any and all pasts, effacing all and every future.

What barren face is there, for the maggot to find respite?
What depth can the maggot fall to to lay it's nerves?
The very depths it was once one with now reject the mutilated maggot.

[Anonymous No.17089887]

shipped off to school
Obey the rules they create
You are no longer man, you are tool
Seeing you watch her seeing you drool
Getting arrogant yet you feel like a fool
You no longer create, you no longer relate
You don’t control your own fate,
You won’t wake up till it's too late
You’re in the machine,
If you ever had dreams it seems,
You lost your own thread, and a cut by the needle
A pinch and a scream
Seeing your pride standing tall behind the walls you hide
Run away never pick sides, never say wrong
See the future stand by your grave, consider all times you chose to behave

[Anonymous No.17089952]

>>17089849
From one novice to another as >>17089887 is me, your poetry feels familiar, try using your own words.

[Anonymous No.17090025]

Here's my ESL half-sonnet about robbery and rape:

Posse caught up with me, new dawn beckons
the jar's mouth widens; so deepens his song
taken, all my strength, oh I won't last long
mad heart, pull me through these sloppy seconds

what may the dawn's red tell me in the night's stead?
the buzzing fireflies round a lifeless head,
always the brightest one, that eats all the lead

[Anonymous No.17090031]

>>17086256
I like nº 2

>>17088708
I like the idea dn the first part, but the
>for pay/not play
doesn't read that well and the
>Still gay?
part is unnecessary

to conquer all
to reach que last frontier
[to?] cease to exist

here I feel like writing just "cease to exist" doesn't convey the idea that I want - that death will always be uncharted territory and on death we're all explorers and conquistadors, since it's impossible to know anything about it - but repeating "to" also doesn't seem right, any suggestions?

[Anonymous No.17090040]

>>17090031
*to reach the last frontier
dammit

[Anonymous No.17090049]

>>17090031
Que fits well with the idea of conquistadors. I like the theme, simplicity, and straightforwardness.

[Anonymous No.17090088]

>>17086039
I saw a tranny on Twitter recently
She seemed wildly disturbed as she
Showed the world her asshole
But it was horrible to contemplate
Because a female asshole
Without a female,
That is without the accompanying
Vagina to endear it to one's gentlemanly
Nature, is a poison pill indeed!
I sensed it sapping the manly vitality
From me at a concerning rate.
It was infirmity itself
I had been spying
And it was spitefully
Spying me back in turn,
With an at least incipiently
Poisonous eye!

[Anonymous No.17090288]

>>17087829
I don't understand you point about colridge - there's no journey? the poem isn't finished btw, I should have specified, but I don't understand what it is you're telling me

[Anonymous No.17090305]

>>17088006
what do you mean by ellsion lol, I know the definition but I'm kinda retarded and don't see how it applies to the poem - do you mean the fact I haven't punctuated it? I'll check out Clark though, you're right about needing to focus: the poem isn't finished yet, I have a method of writing everything like this, where it's just all the imagery strung in sequence, then I'll go back and add all the kind of explanatory comments or further comments

[Anonymous No.17090385]

>>17090288
I’m saying that it isn’t pleasurable to read because the language is so dense. That’s why I said you need to write plainly and beautifully before getting intellectual, otherwise it’s a chore to read without pay off.

[Anonymous No.17090391]

>>17088708
It’s about nostalgia for pre-covid socializing because now we’re all alienated and lonelier or whatever.

[Anonymous No.17090902]

Bump

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17090994]

>>17090305

I’m talking about the high amount of purely literary terms some of which exist only because of elision o’er being an example. It’s acceptable during certain aesthetic schemes and it’s acceptable if it sounds really good but jamming too many literary terms especially ones that exist mostly just to fit syllable/stress counts doesn’t come off that well, but if this is an aesthetic and style you wish to cultivate why not, i’d recommend reading Robert bridge’s analysis of the prosody of Milton, might refine your poetry by looking at such a highly refined example.

Here’s another prayer-poem of mine

I reign over you, sayeth the god of justice
in power exalted above the firmament
the Great Judge Who’s judgement is always permanent
even the sun is sworn by your Statutes wondrous

To be as if a flashing and avenging Sword
and the book of the Moon ever declares your name
saying “i am ever your burning candle Lord
though I flicker and wane, you are ever the same”

Thou Great God who’s Garments are majesty and light
I lament and repent my vanity praying
“purify my Heart, only you know what is right”
Lord whom the living creatures cry out to saying

“holy holy holy is the lord God of hosts
Heaven and earth are ever full of your glory”
though man is less than even a weak worm he boasts

“there is no God, he is nothing but a story”

but I remember your Hoary tales from of Old
for your deeds and goodness are written in my heart
your priests before the ark praised you, I am more bold
by the name of Christ I know you will not depart

by his blood Face to face I praise before the Throne
“Thou ancient of days and the lord of creation

i seek but one thing, be thou my meditation
you are with me always, never am I alone
open thy mysteries and open the unknown “

Amen

[Anonymous No.17091685]

>>17088051
Cheers man.
>>17088090
Thanks. Definitely a few things that I don't see much in these threads but are super important to getting past the amateur level:
>Learn and practice scansion to analyze poetic rhythm. You don't have to go with a crazy 4-level syllabic stress system like Chomsky's for example, but a simple stressed/unstressed markup and beat counting of lines will get you a long way. This is how you can actually break down the rhythm of your favorite poets and poems and see some of the nuts and bolts of their rhythm which is otherwise hard to quantify for people.
>Start intentionally imitating one of your poetic idols. Choose one or a specific book of similar style and work to replicate the voice, line length, rhythmic structure. This is key in becoming more advanced in all art forms and it's crazy how few amateur writers do it. When you dedicate a lot of time to imitating the best writers in your tradition, scanning and analyzing your poems just like you do theirs, you will start to see the higher-order connections in their work and reach a point where you can write lines, sentences, and poems that sound like reconfigurations of them. Then you will start organically making your own poems in these modes and start modulating your voice which is really what people call a style.
>Stick to a disciplined work structure and actually write more than the average wannabe hipster who doesn't put in the work. It's a little different for everyone: it doesn't have to be every day, but should be multiple times per week; only has to be the time of day that's best for you, might be early, might be before eating, might be late.

[Anonymous No.17091723]

>>17086197
Basado

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17092455]

>>17090088

Not snappy enough, more just ruminating modern ugliness and not in an aesthetically fun way.

Stop thinking about men’s assholes

[Anonymous No.17092501]

>>17091685
Basé

[Anonymous No.17092519]

>>17089952
>your poetry feels familiar, try using your own words
May I ask in what way my poetry feels familiar? Like does it feel like I'm aping a specific poet's style or does it just feel ingenuine, like it isn't coming from me naturally? The way I start out with most of my poems is I just get a flash of the first line and work from there, so I don't see how I could be not developing the work naturally, but I could be mistaken.

[Anonymous No.17092809]

>>17089849
The possessive is "its", not "it's". That's only for "it is".
>effacing all and every future
The all/and doesn't work here. Your style is mostly in the normal grammar of speech so throwing this in feels off. The extra word doesn't enhance the meaning at all as well; just stick to all OR every.
Honestly stick with this one as a learning exercise and use it to practice revision. Try multiple variants of the last line as a starting point. It feels too long for what it's trying to say, and the "wha-" consonance slows down the flow right in the middle of the long line: was once one with (WHAs WHonce WHone WHith). This is like a tongue twister with the W sound which sounds very stilted and nothing like it exists elsewhere in the poem.

t. published

[Anonymous No.17092946]

>>17092809
>The possessive is "its", not "it's". That's only for "it is".
Damn kinda a silly mistake on my part.
>The all/and doesn't work here. Your style is mostly in the normal grammar of speech so throwing this in feels off. The extra word doesn't enhance the meaning at all as well; just stick to all OR every.
I do suppose there are some places I can simplify it, something I noticed while I was posting it here was that I really went into the pageantry for someone who knows they aren't at that level. No shame in being to big for your britches if you learn something from it I guess.
>Honestly stick with this one as a learning exercise and use it to practice revision. Try multiple variants of the last line as a starting point.
Will do.
> It feels too long for what it's trying to say
Sorry if I'm being dumb but the last line or the whole poem?
>and the "wha-" consonance slows down the flow right in the middle of the long line: was once one with (WHAs WHonce WHone WHith)
Will also keep this in mind.
>This is like a tongue twister with the W sound which sounds very stilted and nothing like it exists elsewhere in the poem
Part of the idea with this poem is that I came back to it with different motifs, I was trying to blend them together, which is why the second stanza feels off. Admittedly, that is once again something a novice shouldn't try their hand at.

[Anonymous No.17093169]

>>17087930
Maybe if the poem wasn't literally masturbatory it could be picked up by one of those journals. (Sorry, I know that's mean, but let me finish.) The scope of the poem is not large enough to me. In the face of (political/aesthetic) decay the speaker retreats to the demarcations of his impotence, but getting there he enacts a form that only reinforces that impotence. In this poem, the speaker's impotence is an inability to break from, to fully divest of strict formalism. The poem is a deformed sonnet, perhaps indicating a struggle during the act of divestment. The repetition of the "y" ending is clever, even sing-songy, but by being rooted in (and emphasizing) nouns and adverbs imparts stasis. This poem is very smart, I'll give you that. It has a clearly defined volta between "daily" and "I rebel." It lays out clearly what it will be, then achieves it. But it never arrives anywhere because the poem is circular, perhaps even recursive, the last clause repeating the first. Thus it is almost entirely self-contained and self referential. Being circular isn't a knock--plenty of great literature is circular. Most of Borges is that way. But in this poem, the circle never leaves the speaker's mind. Things like the bullet casings, gallery, even the nation, feel like symbolic gestures rather than referents to bonafide grappled-with objects. This is what i meant by the scale of the poem. Its argument is that formalism is the grounds for a destruction and a reconstruction. But the poem, as a relineated (re-stanza'd?) sonnet, itself more resembles the derelict bloc than the implicit sparkling highrise. I don't know if the diminutive sonnet is capable of housing your ambition, which seems attenuated in order to fit the stanza- and sound-scheme.

[Anonymous No.17093359]

>>17093169
Thank you for such a smart and earnest reading. I appreciate your effort and it makes me want to work more on its circularity and assumptions. This sonnet is part of a larger sequence and in its current state this one poem is a failure, but this is its aim (and the aim/play of the overall series):
>In this poem, the speaker's impotence is an inability to break from, to fully divest of strict formalism. The poem is a deformed sonnet, perhaps indicating a struggle during the act of divestment.
>Its argument is that formalism is the grounds for a destruction and a reconstruction.
Email my throwaway if you want.

[Anonymous No.17093375]

>>17093359
>>17093169
Whoops.
>vincenti8816 at gmail dot com

[Anonymous No.17093389]

>>17092519
It reminds me of a metamorphosis by Kafka. Except that it has the theme of hope. I guess it's the overall theme that feels a bit overdone.

[Anonymous No.17093736]

>>17089642
You want to know the single most useful tactic for my writing (besides reading a lot)? Every time you see a word you can't define, look it up and write it down in your journal or in a word document. Increase your vocabulary, which will bolster your understanding of etymology--that's how to get nearer to those triple meanings.

[Anonymous No.17093991]

>>17091685
Excellent advice. I'll take it to heart and see what I can do.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17094009]

>>17093389

The strongest aesthetic flavor I get from Kafka is a kind of all-pervading delirium, a very refined and intentional delirium but still delirium.

Is this what you’re seeing? I think that might not be a good comparison for the anon if it’s unintentional.

[Anonymous No.17094322]

>>17093991
As for submitting, use Submittable, make an account and make phone reminders or something for the recurring submission period openings of journals you like. Almost everything uses Submittable now, there are only a handful with their own unique upload systems, and even the Paris Review stopped taking hard-copy submissions. I've got a whole separate to-do-list app section for poetry submissions for when they open or close deadlines for big and small journals that I like, as well as recurring annual contests etc. Just submit a shitload, it's kind of like job applications: many people complain about never getting published, but only submit a handful of times a year. Submit once per period to every publication you like, the max amount of poems, every time. It also gives you something to do on days when you can't productively write.

I also only go for relatively high-level journals that publish good people as well as unknowns. You've got to make your own strategy, but I always set out saying that I don't want to get picked up by some random online journal just to say I got published. I spent like 2 years submitting heavily to tons of good places, got some good comments even from some of the big dogs, with nothing - but then a really prominent poetry journal picked up some of my stuff for my first publishing credit.

[Anonymous No.17094460]

>>17094009
It's a maggot with good intentions. Sounds delirious to me.

[Anonymous No.17094471]

>>17094460
Sorry, a delirious maggot with hope.

[Anonymous No.17094482]

>>17093389
What I was going for was actually the feeling of an amorphous and blurry division between the individual's body and the world coming undone. I felt like decay and the maggot would be a good way of expressing this. I actually haven't gotten around to reading Kafka yet, though I plan to soon. So I wouldn't say that there's a connection thematically.
>>17094009
I was less going for delirium and more a sedated undoing of divisions between things.

[Anonymous American No.17094485]

Godward's Far Away Thoughts:

In noiseless night's embrace,
Before I sleep,
I see your graceful face
And all but weep.

Your eyes, and glowing grin,
Submerge in streams -
Adrift, I drop within
Those long-lost dreams.


David's The Death of Socrates:

With accusations of impiety,
A cup of bitter hemlock is soon brought.
While Plato weeps for what the Fates have wrought,
Wise Socrates, in stern sobriety,
Accepts his sentence from society.

[Anonymous No.17094495]

>>17094460
>>17094471
I was more so trying to personify everything in the poem to give a feeling of conciousness blending, but I see where you're coming from here.

[Anonymous No.17094536]

>>17094482
>>17094495
I like your poem. Reminding me of Kafka is not bad. But it feels familiar.

[Anonymous No.17094563]

>>17094536
I mean I'm not denying the possiblity, I could have subconsciously aped someone else's style, I've just been curious all day as to who I'm aping the style of. I don't really aee the Kafka connection. Also, glad you enjoyed it. I woukd critique your poem but I doubt I understand poetry to the degree that I could offer helpful critique to others.

[Anonymous No.17094620]

Well... I have one poem I made in response to some SJW on Youtube that made me angry, but it's cringe.

I have a hard time coming up with ideas. Modernism is so depressing, and depressing poetry always comes out as angsty and whiny.

[Anonymous No.17094928]

The feelings wrung from a lilac sky
whose flame is slowly dying

seem to be intangible
as if comprised of gas.

Time again I’ve come up short
(though not for lack of trying),

the softer modes of life, it seems,
are echoes, always past.

And try I might to write them down,
to strain them through a camera’s eye

no film will ever capture all the
layers of their shade.

I worry I may toil over filaments
in burnt out lights

that when reborn illuminate
and empty theatre’s stage.

[Anonymous No.17095064]

ten years of moss to cling
mushrooms in drawers
mould holds my skull upright
crumples my thoughts

cupboard for the rat
carpet for the dung

[Anonymous No.17095145]

Alright, I wrote this one in 30 minutes last night after being deeply hurt by a close friend/romantic interest for the dozenth time

You wound me with your actions
I look back at the magma roiling round you
And am calcified.
By jove, you’ve got fire in your eyes. Save a bolt
Of lightning for next Sunday, won’t you?
I can only be struck twice before becoming shy;
Being struck twice, I’m in danger of being denied;
In danger of being denied, I won’t rise
I’ve already given you my testament thrice
I speak to you with an honest heart, and
In your silence you hand me a wilted laurel wreath.
I wait days to hear from you, while crawling
On scorched land, through frigid wastes
Scalding and chilling my confused hands
But in a week we’ll talk again, not even making it
A month out in the desert, tempted by comfort
I’ll show you compassion with a crossing of the Rubicon
While bearing a handful of flowers,
And rise as Lazarus to forgive you once more.


>>17094928
I like this one. The fourth verse is nice and flow really well, I think. I'm also a sucker for the word lilac since I think it sounds really nice.

>>17094485
I like this one as well. It has a pretty nice structure, and I like the classical influence on the last verse

[Anonymous No.17095167]

>>17094322
what kind of schooling did you have? MFA, or just a bachelors?

[Anonymous No.17095226]

>>17095167
I’ve got an engineering degree, no formal schooling in literature.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17095231]

Hey lads are the two poems I posted too long or is the problem they’re too bad or what? Here’s a shorter poem if those two are too long.

the sweet sound of the flute heard in my youth,
reminds me when Ringed the bright White Welkin,
swirling air therein singed a hymn of truth.
like syllabic spells wrought by elven kin,

taught to those adepts of Tyrian flame
who worship the wine of the Aurora,
which has not the rosy fingered dawn’s fame
but furnishes iridescent flora

with an aura of opal effulgence,
and emanates an elixir dark blue.
this hue brings many men of excellence
but such magnificence men must eschew

i was filled with lust when I laid my eyes
upon the plant which makes men wise wizards
such glories should dwell hidden in the skies
for all else loses its glory and guise
and the beauty of all other things dies

[roundel anon No.17095303]

imagine this: my greatest poem
posted to this godless board
sitting idle and ignored
like me, alone, at home

write it better? can't be done
this is where my soul is stored
imagine this: my greatest poem
posted to this godless board

this shall be my final tomb
where my wretched soul is poured
perhaps it's better i'm ignored
and no one ever guesses whom
posted to this godless board

[Anonymous No.17095308]

>>17086197
Gracioso, BASADO y planopastillado

[*rondel anon, not roundel No.17095328]

>>17095303
that is, rondel. not roundel. that was a typo. it is a rondel. i hope.

[Anonymous No.17095336]

>>17095328
>and no one ever guesses whom

Should be "who", not "whom".

[*rondel anon, not roundel No.17095344]

>>17095336
fuck you i needed a rhyme you are 1/100 people whom even knows the difference

[Anonymous No.17095347]

I wish, I wish I was a fish
A-swimming happily
Then everyone would come around
To take a look at me
I’d swim and swim with my new friends
Around and round we’d go
We’d swim along and sing this song
With all the fish we know

[Anonymous No.17095350]

>>17086039
He reflected for hours upon hours
thinking intensively
she picked up some flowers
and thought "teehee"

[Anonymous No.17095353]

>>17095347
do you like ringo starr?

[Anonymous No.17095381]

>>17095231
Imo your other poems (and this one) aren't too long at all, nor are they bad. I like the simplicity of your prayer, it sounda best when spoken aloud, like most prayers. I think there are a few lines where you could give more, for the lack of a better word, characterization. For instance, in your prayer, when you mention the weak men that do not believe, I would say that you wrote it like many before you have. I feel like you could flesh it out to give it more flavor. I like this poem you just posted more than the prayer, it doesn't have the simple, smooth style of the prayer but it's more ambient tone suits you better I'd say. I say that becayse it feels like you strained yourself when writting the prayer, and this poem >>17088097 feels the same. Like you are trying to not write in a way that comes more naturally to you I guess, but the one you just pisted feels far more natural.

[Anonymous No.17095404]

>>17095344
If you can't tell the difference between "who" and "whom" you shouldn't be writing poetry. If you knew the difference you wouldn't use "whom" instead of "who" or vice versa, because it doesn't make sense.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17095433]

>>17095381

Thanks anon, I’ve more or less have avoided characterization but I’ve a project I’m working on to refine my ability to write, well, characters. And to me I find both styles of writing enjoyable but what I enjoy the most is narrative heavy poetry, basically in the epic style and I feel poetry should have a lot of “beautiful” images and ideas hitting you quickly but all developing themselves.

Thanks again anon, I need to write and practice a whole lot more, i feel like smoothness is probably my biggest flaw. Whenever I read what I’ve written i will over-Analyze it to the point it looks like a messy jumble.

Any poets or general writers you’d recommend ?

[Anonymous No.17095551]

>>17095433
>Any poets or general writers you’d recommend?
Gonna answer this first, Gerard Manley Hopkins if you want to add more characterization to your work, Wallace Stevens if you want to try your hand at beautiful simplicity (honestly read Stevens regardless, God he's good). Whitman is quite good at writting simple but beautiful scenes as well, but I personally am not a Whitman fan.
>Thanks anon, I’ve more or less have avoided characterization but I’ve a project I’m working on to refine my ability to write, well, characters
Ah good timing then, definitely put your focus on that project, it'll do you wonders. The hardest part is trying to characterize a line without overloading it, and you seem to be good at keeping your sentences unclogged so that'll come to you with effort.
>And to me I find both styles of writing enjoyable but what I enjoy the most is narrative heavy poetry, basically in the epic style and I feel poetry should have a lot of “beautiful” images and ideas hitting you quickly but all developing themselves.
I have the same goal myself, I need more technical training than you do but I feel your struggle.
>Thanks again anon, I need to write and practice a whole lot more
God don't we all? I suppose that's the joy in it, like watching your field of crops grow to be healthy after many failed harvests.
>i feel like smoothness is probably my biggest flaw
I have the exact opposite issue haha, I need to sit down and train my technical skills before I try to weave grand narratives, I need to stop writting a line when a word will do. I'd say generally simplifying too much is a better flaw than simplifying too little, while it'd do me good to read poetry manuels, I'd suggest that you just read more poetry. I think with time you'll be able to characterize your work to a greater degree.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17095681]

>>17095551

I’ve actually read hopkin and Whitman, only Whitman poem I liked somewhat was Eidolons. Not a fan of the free verse style, I like hopkin quite a bit but feel Robert bridges who helped popularize him doesn’t get enough readers.

I’m quite a fan of the Chinese poetry I’ve read when it comes to simplicity but even then my favorites are folks like li-he.


In general I read quite a bit of prose and poetry and if I really like a work I try to produce a lot of copy works because I enjoy it.

Example this one is a copy of li-he’s aesthetic which doesn’t have the tighter syllable count I usually try to do.

“Cinnamon in my spleen
Emerald a beautiful green
A fox colored green


Pellucid when it faced the moon
As a bloody cold corpse, bloom
Your Opalescent rainbow lights bloom


I’ll roast the flesh with a lamb
Lamb liver, fox, myrrh, and clam
Calamus, cassia, olive, cinnamon hidden in clam.


The sacrificial cream
That I saw in my dream
The emerald fox dream”

[Anonymous No.17095772]

Stumps and stones
trip travelling bones
Unravelling home
A trip run up on tires
Tired, wound around
And turned around
Home to Sea
And out to see
With the waves turned
back around

[Anonymous No.17095785]

Horns ringing in the dawn,
Legions of angels down,
At God's mouth they have come.

Stars fill the morning sky,
The clouds ripped and parted.
A chorus of the dead.

(wip)

>>17090025
Interesting ideas, but
>oh I won't last long
feels a little awkward to me. Perhaps remove the "oh".

[Anonymous No.17096694]

Pure and innocent on the surface of your mind
Conniving and weaseling below the surface of those eyes
I've fallen for your lies time and time again
But I'll cut it off here, this is the end
No more manipulation I'll stop your malevolent ways
Better off on my own again, alone into the fray

[Anonymous No.17096735]

>>17086039
>I like the idea dn the first part, but the
>>for pay/not play
>doesn't read that well and the
>>Still gay?
>part is unnecessary

This any better?

At night
After day

You come out
And fuck for pay

Is it still gay this way.

[Anonymous No.17096819]

>>17086039
poetry’s a faggot’s art
built for men with faggot hearts

poetry’s a disgusting vessel
into a homo’s mind

it’s a shame the reader can’t be blind
to this faggot’s mental wrestling

express yourself in any different manner
than with your literary faggot banner

[Anonymous No.17096826]

>>17096819
sorry, i meant to say “please express yourself”

[Anonymous No.17096911]

>>17096819
baka, i never read a good exegesis (even meme) on why poetry is so allegedly gay, and I still have not

[Anonymous No.17097336]

>>17095681
>I’ve actually read hopkin and Whitman, only Whitman poem I liked somewhat was Eidolons
Like I said I'm more of a Stevens guy and Whitman's style makes me feel as though every word he writes down is in the wrong place in the sentence, so I understand not liking him. However, I feel that he does the simple style better than most.
>Not a fan of the free verse style, I like hopkin quite a bit but feel Robert bridges who helped popularize him doesn’t get enough readers
Admittedly haven't heard of the guy so it tracks that he doesn't get that many readers.
>>17095681
>I’m quite a fan of the Chinese poetry
Funny that, I'm somewhat of a Sinophile myself, though mainly for prose rather than verse.
>when it comes to simplicity but even then my favorites are folks like li-he
I'll definitely look into him then.
>In general I read quite a bit of prose and poetry and if I really like a work I try to produce a lot of copy works because I enjoy it.
I try to stay away from this because I feel the context of the poem makes the style work, adn only the poet knows the true context from which the aesthetic of a poem arises. Not saying it's a bad idea mind you, and if you have fun with it I wouldn't dare to suggest that you should stop.
>The poem you just posted
I personally dislike using identical rhymes but I definitely see why you like Li-He if his work is like that. As for your rendition of his style, I can sorta tell that you're aping someone else's style while reading it but I think it's eloquently written in such a way that it doesn't leave you desiring for further characterization.

Any other recommendations for Chinese poetry?

[Anonymous No.17097496]

O fleeting blossoms
Seeing you I feel in my heart
A lifetime of joy

[Anonymous No.17097514]

>>17096819
u just wrote a poem. n1 faggot

[Anonymous No.17097531]

Here is one I just finished

Voices like trumpets you have made echoes in my mind
Unmoving like mountains these thoughts carry through time
I dream a dreamy slumber where I can fly
Hard pressed into my eyelids you carry into day
Like a headache it pulses and crashes and sways
I dream a dreamy slumber that is awry
Sour flavors rest on my lips and tongue when I wake
Those tasty thoughts begin to rot as the day breaks
I dream a dreamy slumber that satisfies
Hazy scents fill the nose as it closes on the neck
Sleepy scenes in my mind that I'd like to leave in check
I dream a dreamy slumber where I will cry
And though these sanguine fantasies will live on elsewhere
When this dream concludes it's the onset of my nightmare
I dream a dreamy slumber in which I die

[Anonymous No.17097536]

>>17086197
No sé si esto es genial o vil mierda.

[Anonymous No.17097537]

>>17097531
I probably should have added some spacing to this between lines it would probably have flowed better

[Anonymous No.17097984]

bump

[Anonymous No.17098136]

bump

[Anonymous No.17098370]

>>17087407
I know coches means cars so might be true

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17098814]

>>17097336

Lu You Due to his age and melancholy is pretty great.

[Anonymous No.17099133]

>>17094563
Same goes for me.

[Anonymous No.17099292]

Wrote this down as some kind of incantation/curse

From golden halls born of dreams
Ebb and flow as silver streams
Free thyself from your towers
Count the hours of your powers

Come and go on wings of light
Slay and cleave the evil night
Blow thine horns and proudly fly
With flaming strikes streak the sky

Bloody angels cast in mirth
Bring ‘em down the holy Earth
Run against the beasts of doom
Flowers bloom upon their tomb

Hark the lion! He roars of might
Hark the lambs! Who walk in plight
Hark the fire! That all ignites
Show the mortals sacred sights

[Anonymous No.17099388]

>>17086197
pésimo gusto.

[Anonymous No.17099430]

>>17094563
You can lemme know if you like it or not

[Anonymous No.17099451]

[Anonymous No.17099519]

>>17095308
Who is she?

[Anonymous No.17099530]

>>17095347
Unironically great

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17099604]

glow worm glow worm in the sky
I will meet you when I die
burning in empyrean depth
I have known you when i’ve slept
as my own reveries flight
glow worm glow worm in the night
I will meet you without fright
holy is your honored race
for you lighten deepest space
with such starry majesty
glow worm glow worm in my eye

[Anonymous No.17099852]

>>17086039
I farted
wafting
wafting
wafting
it hits you
You've read all these lines
These lines lines lines
That waste reaks
The only bigger waste
Is that time you wont get back
Reading this
Retard

[Anonymous No.17100105]

they point to the same moon
you stand with your back to it
pointing out their differences
and this makes you smart

[Anonymous No.17101075]

>>17099430
Well okay I'll try my hand at it. So your piece, it has a simplistic rhythmic flow I would expect from someone starting out with poetry (not a bad thing btw, it's good to master the basics first, you're more patient in your training than I am), which I personally don't find that alluring. The motifs you're using however, could use some work. The concepts of feeling like you've been grinded out of a systen and wasted your life have been written the way you've written it many a time. Imo one of the first things a beginner like me or you should do is figure out ways to look at common motifs in interesting ways, I would say you should try reading some prose to help with that. Sorry if that sounds harsh, I do see the seeds of talent in your poem, more so than in my own work, but you'll need to have an interesting way of looking at a subject more than anything else to be a good poet.

[Anonymous No.17101836]

>>17101075
I like that. I appreciate the honesty anon.

[Anonymous No.17101875]

>>17099604
Quite alright

When I die, fuck it, I wanna go again
Because I'm a stubborn piece of shit who needs a fren
Don't make sense to be made void with the non-believers
I like crowds, and swimming upstream with the reavy reavers
Comrades in a boat to sing marching songs with
Jedi or Sith
Fuck that, I wanna smoke a spliff
Do my own thing, be back in a jiffy
Play my guitar, raff on my own riffy
Fuck slavery and servitude
Don't wanna be crude
But it is just my mood
That I don't wanna suck no man's dick
Specially not for nothin
Don't make me bash your skull in with a brick
Cuz I'm no ruffian
But I will, if I motherfuckin have to
Don't even need no brick technically
My legs and fists will easy make due
So don't tempt me if you wanna catch no hand
Hindu god plus JoJo, got 10 armed gats as a stand

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17101891]

Loosely interpretation translation of a huysman poem, how is it lads?

the sacred Night had come, the Moon laying on the vault of heaven
her flowing sulfur colored dress, limpid against the blue pavement
sublime Selene the queen of the stars, in my heart burns a question
who is she with her crescent curved grin , cause’s my mind’s enslavement ?
who’s soft skin shines more radiant with a countenance more patient
even her steps more graceful, than you lady of the book of stars?
even the Sun and moon are jealous, their love compared to ours
is duller than even a butcher, intwined with his butcher’s wife
lady, I will be with you always, until the end of this life.

come now, sit close to me my dearest, let me inhale your neck’s scent.
you have made me intoxicated, drunk upon your pretty breath

ah! let me press against you, those soft shoulders of rose and lilies
kiss me! I want to cry! let me shout! I am in your ecstasy
my soul! my soul! throbs for you beloved, more than the wealth of cities
the heart of my soul soars past cities, to an infinite ocean


who’s waves are the bliss of you, come! let me dissolve come! let me die!
Ah! but how my heart is so broken, when she tells me her goodbye
I feel like the lonely tired rain, as she passes the bower
the rain upon fallen leaves, alone now in my silent tower


the delicious dream is gone, I fall back to the wretched dull earth
oh my God bring her to me, bring my dearest persephone to me
she is more lovely than dreams, a spirit of light and life on earth
oh lord though I am vulgar, i cry to you! bring her back to me!

[Anonymous No.17101976]

>>17099292
I personally like this, although I think the "commands" don't have a cohesive message that tells you what the incantation is really aiming at. This is kind of implied when you say "incantation/curse." You might benefit from conceptualizing a very definite purpose for this spell so that it's EITHER a powerful incantation (of summoning for example) OR a potent curse. It's good as is in a sense that the imagery is nice, but it feels vague and meandering sort of.

[Anonymous No.17101993]

>>17101891
Overall I find the redundant descriptors you often use to be an area of development. To me there is no reason to use 2 adjectives or adverbs that mean nearly the same thing, and if you use 2, they should dynamically interact or oppose in a Dickinsonian manner. I’m personally against ‘expected’ descriptors anyway, I think that any used should modify the subject in a strange or unique way to create some linguistic action, because after all poetry is not prose where realistic description is warranted; but this is a stylistic choice. Examples:
>crescent curved grin
>infinite ocean
>lonely tired rain
>wretched dull earth

[Anonymous No.17102090]

>>17101836
No problem, hope that'll help you get better at the craft.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102114]

>>17101993

Understandable, half of the time that’s just the poem I’m working off of the other half was trying to imitate the writing style.

[Anonymous No.17102166]

>>17090994
What is the purpose of these prayer poems? Sincerely asking. This poem is not contemporary, but it's not classic either. It's not a forgery, nor is it a true original. The language is very dated. The vocabulary and syntax are simplistic. You freely employ trite cliches like "reign over you" and "written in my heart." You also lose me when you make rudimentary errors like "Who's judgement"--both words are wrong there. It reads like something an epigone would have written 150 years ago. Who's your audience? Is there some untapped intersection of devout Protestants and 19C poetry aficionados? I can't even call this a bad poem, because it doesn't resemble a poem at all. Where is the creativity? What have you said about the human spirit that hasn't been expressed more beautifully and through richer metaphor by Donne, Rossetti, or Hopkins? Poetry is more than a simple oscillation between prostration and praise. There must be intellect, imagery, hypothesis and synthesis. And I don't seriously detect them here.

Also, apparently you stole the first two lines (or more) from some Japanese song lyric. How much else of this is a ruse? I don't know man. This whole post reeks of pseud

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102213]

>>17102166
>What is the purpose of these prayer poems? Sincerely asking.

Theurgy, I’m an occultist and we use this type of fusion of older sounding words with more modern as a common practice when writing our invocations and our prayers and rituals. You see it all the time in Crowley for example.

>This poem is not contemporary, but it's not classic either. It's not a forgery, nor is it a true original. The language is very dated. The vocabulary and syntax are simplistic. You freely employ trite cliches like "reign over you" and "written in my heart." You also lose me when you make rudimentary errors like "Who's judgement"--both words are wrong there. It reads like something an epigone would have written 150 years ago. Who's your audience?


I write for no one but myself as I consider poetry and writing to be a means of contemplation and way of recognition of ones own interior aspects. I post here simply for technical refinement purposes.


>Is there some untapped intersection of devout Protestants and 19C poetry aficionados? I can't even call this a bad poem, because it doesn't resemble a poem at all. Where is the creativity?

Being creative as in original largely isn’t the point, the point to me is reflection of my own interior which is what many of these poems do.

>What have you said about the human
spirit that hasn't been expressed more beautifully and through richer metaphor by Donne, Rossetti, or Hopkins?

Eh I’m not trying to comment on the human experience, I’m trying to look at my own experience.

>Poetry is more than a simple oscillation between prostration and praise. There must be intellect, imagery, hypothesis and synthesis. And I don't seriously detect them here.

I mean you could say that but I would disagree and could dissect it to show you the influences if you really wanted.

>Also, apparently you stole the first two lines (or more) from some Japanese song lyric. How much else of this is a ruse? I don't know man. This whole post reeks of pseud


Oh no no no, the whole poem is paraphrasing a prayer of John dee in his enochian occult system which opens the first gate of loagaeth/wisdom. Here’s the original prayer.

> I rayng ouer you, sayeth the God of Iustice, in powre exalted above the firmaments of wrath: in whose hands the Sonne is as a sword and the Mone as a throwgh thrusting fire: which measureth your garments in the mydst of my vestures, and trussed you together as the palms of my hands: whose seats I garnished with the fire of gathering, and bewtified your garments wth admiration. To whome I made a law to govern the holy ones and deliuered you a rod

CONT

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102259]

>>17102213

with the ark of knowledg. Moreouer you lifted vp your voyces and sware [obedience and faith to him that liueth and triumpheth] whose begynning is not, nor ende can not be, which shyneth as a flame in the myddst of your pallace, and rayngneth amongst you as the ballance of righteousnes and truth. Moue, therfore, and shew yorselues: open the Mysteries of your Creation: Be frendely vnto me: for I am the servant of the same yor God, the true wurshipper of the Highest.”

I added some aspects from the Bible itself such as the prayer of the angels, the reference to the moon as a book is a Thomas bedlam reference which is a reference to how the moon’s change tells the time and is key to astrological interpretation in occultism.

I have many many many prayer-poems specifically written in the heat of invocation wherein i use them to inflame myself in prose even deeper. I have no expectation of sharing them on a wider audience nor any real desire to do so. Whenever I read a work or something I really really really enjoy or I want to do something in dedication I’ll try to write a pastiche of it to kinda secrete it as a way of saying “I loved this” “this is how I would make it in my hands” you know what I mean? A lot of the times stuff like that king of flame poem are basically visions that I’m trying to put down more beautifully. Apologies that my admittedly bad poetry has offended you so, I further apologize for clogging up the thread. I only post because I seek refinement know what I mean, I’m by no regards trying to present myself as something which I am not.

I mostly write prayer poems because that is what burns in my heart, I can only write on that which burns a fire in me.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102327]

>>17102166

To elaborate, that king of flame poem is largely just a fusion of the red king and white queen motif which is itself the imagery of the union of the soul with God which roots in such a specific image mostly in the Song of Solomon, the transformation into a servant of flame was to invoke a vaguely ovidian feeling.

The other one about the misty land was based on a powerful mental image I had when reading purgatorio when a scene of dante on the boat into purgatory proper with the angel as his guide on the boat, which stuck with me powerfully and I wanted to further unwrap the image, to develop it further, to infuse it with more of my own interior and what I felt and what I saw in the image and the ideas I saw.

Generally all of my poetry has multiple cryptographic elements, gematria aspects various codes and all of them are heavily encoded for some type of occult purpose or are just straight up reformations of esoteric Christian material.

[Anonymous No.17102350]

>>17086039
The clash of wave,
the creak of wood,
the sound of break
the snap of bow,
we're sinking now

[Anonymous No.17102372]

lot of big brains on this board, but not a lot of poets, eh?

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102393]

When I went walking one night before Halloween.

“ by my self alone I went walking
peaceful silence and newborn colors
I passed by many people talking
but I didn’t really see others

I glided in a blurry soft bliss
into the empty bliss I dissolved
a celestial harmony’s sweet kiss
like the entire world had resolved

my mind passed into deep reverie
the inmost light then held me so close
it was softer than a memory
it was beyond both subtle and gross

I do not know why am I crying. ”

Written while very delirious and tired a few minutes prior to sleep.

“ let me go off into some nocturnal flight
for I despise, I despise I despise thee
let me e’re dwell in this, the Erebic night
where the eye of my soul is lit by my me
and the ambers of my fantasy ignite
into an opulent flame of deepest sleep
my me shall turn to the cinders of delight
in that dear land where no man can ever weep
weariness shall depart me in that hour
then I shall be king-in-me, full of power. “

>>17102372

Eh I think if I keep going for a couple of years I’ll be decent.

[Anonymous No.17102431]

The monkey on my back grinds my knees to paste
Makes an appearance at parties
As the eight-hundred-pound gorilla
Rubbing elbows with the elephant in the room
Flinging its shit at the people I might like to meet
Offending them with its stench

[Anonymous No.17102496]

Bros Stevens is an absolute joy to read
>The lilacs wither in the Carolinas.
>Already the butterflies flutter above the cabins.
>Already the new-born children interpret love
>In the voices of mothers.
>Timeless mother,
>How is it that your aspic nipples
>For once vent honey?
>The pine-tree sweetens my body
>The white iris beautifies me.
>>17102393
Since you're an occultist a question crossed my mind, do you get a feeling that the poetry of Wallace Stevens has a left hand path sort of feel to it? I don't know if it's just me but the poem I put above called In the Carolinas has that sort of feeling to it, especially the last line.

[Anonymous No.17102534]

>>17102496
I like him too, but you really gotta branch out and stop sperging. I've seen your posts like every other thread.... pick up ashbery or bishop or o'hara

[Anonymous No.17102573]

>>17102534
I've been caught, I am not ashamed, but fine I'll read Pound or something

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102602]

>>17102496

Let me just clarify something for ya friend. As people commonly use the term left hand and right hand path has no real historical usage prior to Blavatsky, Blavatsky grossly and I mean absolutely grossly misinterpreted the actual eastern doctrines, every single one she ever touched.

Left hand path in the modern usage just means edgy or transgressive or dark, think Austin osman spare or bataile or a de Sade or a Rimbaud.

The actual left hand path, which is the hindu Vamachara is actually an extreme devotion form of Nondual shivaism dedicated to using the sense pleasures and creation and maya/the illusion world as the revelation of god and means of knowing god, so they will consume their own feces, consume semen, break their own taboos and so forth but they would do this not over some sexual gratification but to see God in it and to sacrifice every part of their experience and life to God which they see all reality as. I’ll post a prayer poem by abhinavagupta to give you an idea what it’s like in reality.

The unifying factor of the edgy modern left hand path and the actual left hand path is the usage of illusions/sorcery/artifice as a means of knowing God, this is most paralleled in our western hermericism and especially the occultism of someone like William Blake, the Lars von triar movie “house that jack built” is a beautiful love letter to the actual left hand path. The poem you posted vaguely can be categorized to that kind of beauty and artifice type mysticism.

Almost All of mysticism dualistic and otherwise has similar ideas of the refining of the self even the most basic of Christians like Methodists.

The vast majority of systems aren’t about annihilation of the self but about purification/harmonization of the self with god/nature. This is why Enoch becomes metatron, Elijah becomes sandalphon, Arjuna realizes he is Indra-Vishnu-Krishna through the mahat, you get the idea. The only real exception to this is some interpretations of Theravada Buddhism and that ends the second you leave Theravada. The idea that RHP or normative systems are about annihilation is again another Blavatsky perversion. To quote echkart the goal is fusion not confusion.

This is a common error for people who kinda strive to not read primary/source material but rather read modernizers (folks like Blavatsky, guenon, evola, you know the type) I rec reading the source texts themselves anon.

[Anonymous No.17102624]

>>17102573
Pound is worse than stevens and you're going the wrong direction. catch up to the contemporary is what i'm saying. and regarding contemps, don't believe the reactionary gripers, they're all pseuds who lack the vision and fortitude to read unestablished poetry

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102629]

>>17102602

>>17102496

This is the famous Bhairava stotram of the poet-philosopher-avatar-saint, abhinavagupta who was the avatar of Bhairava the primary god of the aghori and many other LHP adepts.

I, Abhinavagupta, with one pointed devotion, am praying to that supreme all pervading Lord Siva, who is himself present in each and everything that exists, and who through realization reveáls himself as the one limitless Bhairavanatha, the protector of the helpless.

By the energy of your grace it has been revealed to me that this vibrating universe is your own existence. Thus, O Lord Siva, this realization has come to me that you are my own soul and as such this universe is my own expression and existence.

O possessor of everything, though your devotees, bound by karma and conditioning of mind, are caught in the net of destiny that arouses troubles and bondage, still they are not afraid of the fret and fever of this world. Having realized this universe as your own existente, they are not afraid of worldly dif-ficulties, because fear exists only when there is some one else to inflict it. But when there is none other than you, how can fear arise.


O Lord Bhairava, I offer salutations to you, who has awakened me to the realization that everything in existence is you alone. As a result of this awakening, the darkness of my mind has been destroyed and I am neither frightened of the evil family of demons, nor am I afraid of Yama, the fearful Lord of death.

O Lord Shiva, it is through your existence, revealed to me by real knowledge, that I realize all attachments and all that exists in this universe is activated by you. It is by this awakening, that my mind becomes saturated with immortal devotion and I experience supreme bliss.

O Lord, sometimes I feel misery which arouses torment in my mind, but at that same moment, blessed by a shower of your grace, a clean and clear visión of my oneness with you arises, the impact of which my mind feels appeased.

O Lord Siva, it is said that through charity, ritual bath and the practices of penance the troubles of worldly existence subside, but even more than this, by remembrance of the sacred shastras and your words alone the current of immortality like a stream of peace enters my heart.

O Lord Bhairava, through my utmost faith I have perceived you in the unique sacrifíce of oneness, which otherwise is not possible though performing mountains of rituals. Being filled with your presence my consciousness intensely dances and sings, enjoying its own ecstacy.

O compassionate Lord, under the influence of your glory and for the benefit of your worshipers, I Abhinavagupta have composed this hymn. By meditation and recitation of this hymn within a moment that merciful Lord Bhairava destroys the torments and sufferings, springing from this wilderness of saMsara.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102647]

>>17102624
Name some names yeah?

>>17102573

Eh I’ve read like 15 pound poems, this is the only one I’ve enjoyed so far, I’m gonna be reading more though.

Malrin, because of his jesting stood without, till all the guests were entered in unto the Lord’s house. Then there came an angel unto him saying, “Malrin, why hast thou tarried?”
To whom, Malrin, “There is no feeding till the last sheep be gone into the fold. Wherefor I stayed chaffing the laggards and mayhap when it was easy helping the weak.”
Saith the angel, “The Lord will be wroth with thee, Malrin, that thou art last.”
“Nay sirrah!” quipped Malrin, “I knew my Lord when thou and thy wings were yet in the egg.”
Saith the angel, “Peace! hasten lest there be no bread for thee, rattle-tongue.”
“Ho,” quoth Malrin, “is it thus that thou knowest my Lord? Aye! I am his fool and have felt his lash but meseems that thou hast set thy ignorance to my folly, saying ‘Hasten lest there be an end to his bread.’”
Whereat the angel went in in wrath. And Malrin, turning slowly, beheld the last blue of twilight and the sinking of the silver of the stars. And the suns sank down like cooling gold in their crucibles, and there was a murmuring amid the azure curtains and far clarions from the keep of heaven, as a Muezzin crying, “Allah akbar, Allah il Allah! it is finished.’ “And Malrin beheld the broidery of the stars become as wind-worn tapestries of ancient wars. And the memory of all old songs swept by him as an host blue-robed trailing in dream, Odysseus, and Tristram, and the pale great gods of storm, the mailed Campeador and Roland and Villon’s women and they of Valhalla; as a cascade of dull sapphires so poured they out of the mist and were gone. And above him the stronger clarion as a Muezzin crying “Allah akbar, Allah il Allah, it is finished.”
And again Malrin, drunk as with the dew of old world druidings, was bowed in dream. And the third dream of Malrin was the dream of the seven and no man knoweth it.
And a third time came the clarion and after it the Lord called softly unto Malrin, “Son, why hast thou tarried? Is it not fulfilled, thy dream and mine?”
And Malrin, “O Lord, I am thy fool and thy love hath been my scourge and my wonder, my wine and mine extasy. But one left me awroth and went in unto thy table. I tarried till his anger was blown out.”
“Oh Lord for the ending “of our dream I kiss thee. For his anger is with the names of Deirdre and Ysolt. And our dream is ended, PADRE.”

[Anonymous No.17102659]

>>17102602
Then the idea that the LHP is the annihilation of divinity within oneself, renewing the self as divine is a complete misunderstanding then? I guess I should read the original Hermetic texts then, I was working on some more modern content like you assumed and I guess I should have done more research prior.

[Anonymous No.17102719]

>>17102624
>Pound is worse than stevens and you're going the wrong direction. catch up to the contemporary is what i'm saying. and regarding contemps, don't believe the reactionary gripers, they're all pseuds who lack the vision and fortitude to read unestablished poetry
I'm the last person who'd read Pound because he's le ebin based and redpilled, I was just gonna read him anyways. Why do you say he's worse than Stevens? I've only read like a poem or two of Pound's so I wouldn't know.
>>17102629
I think it's neat but I'm not too knowledgeable on Hinduism so I don't have the context that'd allow me to really get it beyond a superficial level.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102747]

>>17102659
>Then the idea that the LHP is the annihilation of divinity within oneself, renewing the self as divine is a complete misunderstanding then?

Yep, was never about annihilating the divine, closes you have is apophantic models which seeks to annihilate the manifest appearances of divinity to reach the true unknowable/noumena God, this is what Gnostics or evening basic Dionysius mysticism is like in Greek Orthodox types, even something as edgy as the temple of the black light is quoting verbatim sabbatean kabbalistic doctrine and their ultimate goal is reunion with Ain; which is just God-prior-to-manifestation/images.

>I guess I should read the original Hermetic texts then,

Well yeah, but LHP isn’t even a western concept it’s totally eastern in origin, hermeticism is Comparable to their Eastern LHP tradition while something like normative monasticism is what their RHP is.

>I was working on some more modern content like you assumed and I guess I should have done more research prior.

Eh it’s a real common mistake, again I’d recommend Dionysius/early Gnosticism since it has that edgy annihilation of divinity thing you kinda want, except what you’re really annihilating is the perceptions that each title of god holds because the demiurge is just your own reason and your conceptual understanding of god and reality, which you’re uniting to emptiness/the unknowable by “destroying” but like, normative Greek Orthodox types literally do this same thing they just don’t put an edgy coat over it and actual older Gnostics mostly considered themselves as still fundamentally Christian. Realistically there’s no tradition of annihilation of god for self, closest you have is temple of set which is about the union of the ego (in a very stirner and Nietzschean sense) with the “black flame” of reason and skepticism+perpetual xeper(basically perpetual self development in the Exact same sense of Nietzsche.)

The only thing you have that’s how what you’re about, is well, edgy stuff by teenagers OR stuff designed to sell to edgy teenagers (think ea koetting)

Blatant fear mongering with no basis in reality and a few rare cases of poet/artists who are more just being transgressive to be transgressive.

It’s not real, is what I’m saying in a long winded way. Since even those edgy edgy systems selling now are all based off of hermetic Kabbalah And cheap rip offs of chaos magic which are themselves just Crowley’s occultism without the aesthetics, meaning they’re literally still working the tree of life.

Even worse is that there’s no real historic qlippothic tree, not in the way modern types talk about it, at least, like it doesn’t exist at all in the material. I won’t elaborate on the qlippothic stuff unless you want me to anon.

[Anonymous No.17102839]

>>17102747
>even something as edgy as the temple of the black light is quoting verbatim sabbatean kabbalistic doctrine and their ultimate goal is reunion with Ain; which is just God-prior-to-manifestation/images.
Hate to out myself as being edgy but I am also interested in the concept of God prior to representation or manifestation, any lit on that concept?
>Well yeah, but LHP isn’t even a western concept it’s totally eastern in origin, hermeticism is Comparable to their Eastern LHP tradition while something like normative monasticism is what their RHP is.
I'm not only interested in the LHP or something, I only say that because I had planned on reading Crowley and Fortune to start off qith occultism, and I imagine the original Hermetic texts, the original texts concerning Kabbalah, and maybe the original texts by the Enochians would do as a better introduction.
>Even worse is that there’s no real historic qlippothic tree, not in the way modern types talk about it, at least, like it doesn’t exist at all in the material. I won’t elaborate on the qlippothic stuff unless you want me to anon.
I guess I was really in the wrong, I hadn't even thought to question whether the Qlippoth was presented to me in a accurate way.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102947]

>>17102839
>Hate to out myself as being edgy but I am also interested in the concept of God prior to representation or manifestation, any lit on that concept?

Basic Vedanta stuff like the writings of shankara, the Upanishads, the writings of pseudo-Dionysius and various gnostic lit would be the best.

> I'm not only interested in the LHP or something, I only say that because I had planned on reading Crowley and Fortune to start off qith occultism, and I imagine the original Hermetic texts, the original texts concerning Kabbalah, and maybe the original texts by the Enochians would do as a better introduction.

I’d say don’t even bother with fortune, there’s no “enochians” there’s the books of Enoch which are unrelated to John Dee’s work, John Dee is the origin of the enochian system of magic which he did not call Enochian.

I’ll post some of the scholar David chaim Smith’s work, he deals primarily in pre-hermetic Kabbalah and its relation to stuff like tantra.

Klipoth are simply the shells that conceal holiness, as a peel conceals the fruit within. They are therefore synonymous with idolatry, the root of impurity through ascribing false dualism in the Divine, and with the Sitra Achra (סטרא אחרא "Other Side"), the perceived realm opposite to holiness. They emerge in the descending Seder hishtalshelus (Chain of Being) through Tzimtzum (contraction of the Divine Ohr), as part of the purpose of Creation. In this they also have beneficial properties, as peel protects the fruit, restraining the Divine flow from being dissipated.

The klipot (so-called qlipoth) are mere divisive mental barriers, formed by habits of cognitive reification. They gather both personally and collectively, as cognitive obscurations and obstructions build momentum. They are purified by recognizing their essential primordial nature,which rests at the heart of the tzimtzum reflex. This occurs as both simultaneous gnosis as well as the slow unfolding of spiritual transformation, however both share a single ground, which is the basis of the realization as well as that which is realized. It is called by many names, but I prefer 'Aur En Sof'.


CONT

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102955]

>>17102947

The three-fold klipot which obstruct burgeoning gnosis are its bones, blood, and flesh. Each creates inner, mediating, and outer aspects of reification. All become permeable as the phenomena becomes a heart-sacrifice. From above and below the blood of space floods the body of space. Anything and everything becomes the sacrificial beast. Its lungs are Saturn and Jupiter. Its kidneys are mars and venus. Its belly and head are sun and moon, which temper and shape the mercury in its heart.

When we become our own redeemer and deliverer, a self-sacrificial pig messiah, the process of tikkun olam (the repair of the world) begins in earnest. We face the klipot of our resistances head on, to recognize the ubiquitous spark of perfection that displays itself within the disguise of imperfection. The feast of the kosher pig consumes the root of identity and the universe of identification that has been fabricated around it. Its presentational flesh is malkut, called ‘Garden’. The energy of its formative motion is tiferet, called ‘Eden’. Their unifying continuum is the digestion of the feast and its enjoyment, personified by the serpent called Nachash. It seals the motion display as a single continuum that can equally fall into degenerate fiction or rise to the occasion of gnosis. Its undulating frequencies shape every nuance of phenomena.

There is considerable confusion as to the issue of the klipot (commonly spelled qlippoth’). Whether they exist as separate forces, or as a ‘reverse tree’, is a controversial issue that can lead both occultists and the religious into fantasyland. The greater question is what is meant by the designation that the klipot ‘exist’ in the first place. This view does not invite concepts of being and non-being to be used as qualifying markers for phenomena. It is true that dark malevolent forces push and pull the human realm into distortions, and impressions of shadowed impulses persist throughout all the worlds. It is far better to hold these forces according to the essential nature shared by all phenomena. This is only En Sof.

In their basic essentiality, the klipot are primordially pure. Klipot are no different in

CONT

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17102983]

>>17102955

their essence from any of the structural boundaries that shape any of the worlds. The controversial and radical view of non-duality implied here marks a distinction from mainstream kabbalah, as well as mainstream occultism. The klipot lock cognitive motion into limitation on any level in which it is expressed. When the limitless, free, and open passage of cognizance is disrupted such that it obstructs gnostic realization, the reflex instrumental in limitation is termed klipah. In this sense, the difference between the ‘pure’ lights and vessels of the worlds and the ‘impure’ klipot requires re-assessment.

The residue of the fractured shells from old discarded beliefs can be offered up and consumed by basic space. Sparks pour out from their shattering, as they saturate space in their dissolving. As the small meanings of things becomes subsumed into great vastness, light outshines its containment, and immensity prevails.

~David Chaim Smith


To summarize, they’re just the normative mundane conceptions of things you normally hold, they’re the shells/skins where their fruit are the sephiroth. So for example kether is absolute unity, Thaumiel (twins of god, duality) is the shell which covers it. You don’t enter it, there’s no spirits in it, it’s just literally the form of your normative mundane consciousness as it is right now, in impurity.

Most edge lords will (because of bad hermeticist translations ) think it’s a color pallet swapped evil shadow the hedgehog tree of life. This again is A-historical.

So yeah, this kind of edgy stuff that people are so excited about, well it isn’t historically real.

[Anonymous No.17103055]

>>17087700
kek

[Anonymous No.17103144]

>>17102947
>Basic Vedanta stuff like the writings of shankara, the Upanishads, the writings of pseudo-Dionysius and various gnostic lit would be the best.
Will keep that in mind.
>I’d say don’t even bother with fortune
Why is that? Planned on reading Chumbley later on as well, what would you say of his work?
>there’s no “enochians” there’s the books of Enoch which are unrelated to John Dee’s work, John Dee is the origin of the enochian system of magic which he did not call Enochian
I was refering to Dee's work and the work of those who wizhed to follow in his footsteps through Enochian magic, and while he didn't call it, I think now in the present that's a fair term to use to refer to the whole movement that brought about the Enochian system of magic.
>The David Chaim Smith excerpt as well as these posts >>17102955 >>17102983
Oh wow that's far more interesting than the mirror tree of life narrative, I'm glad you made that clear for me.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17103226]

>>17103144

I really like chumbley but you need the context of Crowley, yeats, Blake, Austin osman spare and most importantly Kenneth grant (who himself requires a lot of reading of source material from multiple traditions.)

Here’s a reading list requirement that another frater compiled for dragon book of Essex, my complaint against chumbley is he over focuses on aesthetics over substance and that mechanically a lot of things don’t work as he says or thinks they do, also I find the witchy aesthetic cringey at times. But in general I give him my seal of approval as a very studied and good magician.

>Western
Sefer Yetzirah, commented by Aryeh Kaplan (particularly chapter six)
Book of Enoch
Thunder: The Perfect Mind
Essentially all of Rudolph's Gnostic material with special attention to the Mandeans.
Chaldean Oracles of Zoroaster
The Black Brick (Complete Golden Dawn)
Liber 65
Liber 7
Liber Stellae Rubeae
The Vision and the Voice
AHA (Crowley)
Agrippa's Second Book of Occult Philosophy
Complete Austin Osman Spare (including artwork)
The first Typhonian trilogy (MAYBE the second)
Additional MSS 36674 (Sloane)
Liber Asassiel (see above)
Sacrificial Universe (David Chaim Smith)
Kabbalistic Mirror of Genesis
Complete Magician's Tables
Strong's Concordance, Godwin's Qabbalah,Numberman.net, Bill H.'s tables, etc.

>Eastern (Near/Far)
Gathas/Yasna (or the Avesta, these are Zoroastrian scriptures. The material of most note is related to Zahak and/or various dragons)
A King's Book of Kings (see above)
“Yezidism: Its Background, Observances, and Texts”, I think some of the Yezid influence comes via the hymns in this book.
Anything that will give you a basic foundational understanding of Arabic astronomy/astrology/astrotheology, etc.
Kali Kaula by Jan Fries
Kaulajnananirnaya
Kiss of the Yogini
Triadic Heart of Shiva
Anandalahare
Hevajra Tantra
Shri Yantra and the Sidereal Astrology (Lokanath)
Tantraloka
Paratrisikavivirana

>Afro-Carib material:
African Divination Systems: Ways of Knowing
Way of the Orisa
Kindoki
Palo Mayombe: The Garden of Blood and Bones
Pomba Gria and the Quimbanda
Exu
At the Crossroads

>Sabbatic Background:
Xoanon and most of Three Hands.
All works of Carlo Ginzberg
All works of Emma Wilby
Various early witchcraft manuscripts

[Anonymous No.17103267]

I can enjoy poetry but critiquing it is a banquet of bullshit.
Someone could post a Yeats or Tennyson poem
And because it's in a 4chan thread, people would think it's amateurish.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17103285]

>>17103267

Eh probably but it’s still fun and good to bounce ideas, and there’s not enough poetry on this board as a whole so it’s a good way of centralizing it all in one place so it doesn’t just fall off the board. What would be better is a dedicated poetry general where critique can be asked to keep it alive.

[Anonymous No.17103300]

>>17103267
It's at least a little better than posting on reddit where you could post a critically acclaimed poem and have everyone think it's complete garbage because it doesn't rhyme

[Anonymous No.17103337]

>>17086039
THE BEEF WAS LOST AND IT COULDN'T BE FOUND

THE BUTCHER AND THE BOY WAS LYIN' ON THE GROUND

[Anonymous No.17103380]

>>17103226
Do you have any reccomendations for Abrahamic occultism/mysticism? Be it Jewish, Christian, or Muslim.

[Anonymous No.17103464]

>>17103380

Of course that’s my specialization.

Aryeh Kaplan’s your introduction to all things Judaism as is gershom scholem, begin with inner space, Jewish meditation, and his book on the Bible and his yetzirah commentary. Eventually read the sha’are orah which isn’t by him.

For Christianity, your first place to look is no other than the Bible, other than the Bible you should consider reading Dionysius, you should consider reading the cloud of unknowing, you should consider the mirror of simple souls, molinos spiritual guide, the church fathers, the Philokalia and other such.

The biggest chunk of Christian occultism is also the largest chunk of western occultism which is alchemy and the Solomonic and astrological Magics, the best introduction to alchemy and these broader currents (other than the bare basics like the corpus hermeticum) would be the writings of Jacob boehme, beginning with his Clavis, this is a good reading order.

Clavis, Threefold Life, The Aurora, Questions Concerning the Soul, Theosophical Theses, Mysterium Magnum (commentary on Genesis/Exodus).

After him you can tackle all of the major alchemists and occultists ranging from agrippa to Paracelsus to the occult writings of Thomas aquinas (Aurora consurgens)

Ibn umail should be read next after boehme though.

The best introduction to occultism as in evocation and other such practical material (other than the basics of reading iamblichus and the required Plotinus and proclus ) would be the Arbatel and Agrippa’s works in that order.

As for Muslim material, I’m very partial, I love the tawasin of Hallaj, the mystical poetry of Jami is so beautiful (and everyone knows about rumi) subrawardi’s work is going to directly tie into the Christian and Jewish Neoplatonic sphere models and will be a very easy access point, quzati’s death based and dream based mysticism is also pretty great, then there’s the famous Arabi. Arabi and subrawardi are great but there’s also much more approachable manuals and philosophical work that can be easier entries like ghazali or mulla sadra, the best intros to their occultism proper would be the picatrix and the shams al’marrif I’d continue longer on elaboration but I have to run off and perform some night time prayers. I’ll be back later though

[Anonymous No.17103950]

>>17103464
Dropped your trip code, faggot

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17104162]

Fragmented thoughts

i walk alone and talk to atone
“speak, what is required? what is needed from the height?
I am very tired
there in atma is my light
there is a shadow, my dearest friend
just the recognition, deny our separation
just vain repetition
I have my liberation
among shouting, there a voice unknown
but what is desired? is it not all very trite?
nothing is acquired
no river to cross, no fight
and the stars slither and seem to moan
thou holy tradition, keep me from my temptation
remember submission
elan Vital; cessation
just some pagan idol; worthless Stone
they are both inspired, they just require your sight
stillness is required
whether as day or as night
written there in blood before the throne
to reflect your condition, your representation
is my sweet petition
just thine manifestation ?
yet my serpent lies dormant and prone
you are true, faithful and right.
these words I recite, give thy answer then to my plight
may you beyond the Welkin be known

>>17103950

Yeah had to bump another thread and didn’t want to be obnoxious with it, no one likes when a tripfag bumps a dying thread.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.17104761]

Bumping with another poem

what did I have to do, I now forget
I am a moon of cold delirium
my eyes are heavy and my head is light
am I dreaming or is this fantasy? 
my eyes lose their luster but not my eye
i imagine things and then forget them
everything is fading but becomes clear
health or leprosy, am I Miriam?
as quick as they appear they take their flight
i see gold-glass cities in majesty
across an azure-amber field I fly
human-faced plants become a melting Gem
I blink and return, i sweat and feel drear
now I am a sun of melancholy
ash-apples from sodom covered with blight
fantasy and dream both fade, I feel drear
am I Haman or am I mordecai?
Gems become my tired eyes then a stem
awake I feel dead, without majesty
return to there land, but it is folly
apples turn to ash when I take a bite
I long for the land where the sky’s are clear
Wines of memory I did glorify
tried to get up but I coughed up some phlegm from my dead dreams something breached the limit
“come with me beyond wake, sleeping and dream”
I lay my head down and become the night
I met the very dreams of my spirit
I grasped the light of the divine morning
I remembered I am the holy star

[Anonymous No.17104914]

>>17103267
The premise of these threads is to post your own work. Posting some obscure shit by Tennyson would draw negative attention for the antiquated style, under the assumption that the poster wrote it in a contemporary context. It is indeed amateurish to blindly imitate the Romantics with no sense of originality or modern style (disagree with me if you want--such imitators will never be published, I guarantee it). That being said, I usually google anons' poems before critiquing to know whether I'm being b8ed. The biggest pseudery of all is trying to play "gotcha" with great poets' lesser-read work, which does nothing but pollute the discussion for your own vanity's sake. Yes, these threads include some element of the blind leading the blind. Nonetheless I like to engage them in good faith. t. master's degree

[Anonymous No.17104967]

>>17086816
forcing the verb at the end of the sentence (lines 4 5 and 9) feels really clunky. also, you really cant rhyme lamps with nonexistance because that's not how that word is pronounced or spelt

[Anonymous No.17105077]

>>17104914
I'm more so trying to say that critiquing poetry in general is horse shit because past the obviously amateur didn't-even-try tier, it's rarely possible to find any kind of objective indicators of what makes a poem good or bad.

[Anonymous No.17105085]

>>17105077
>objective indicators
here we go again

[Anonymous No.17105187]

lol you guys all suck at writing poetry

[Anonymous No.17105306]

>>17105187
YYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BUDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TTTTHHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTS HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE DDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Anonymous No.17106119]

We endure a destitute age,
Our world plummets into it’s midnight;
It’s final winter, she dawns her black cloak.
And It is is my inclination
That our disposition will not be healed
By spring’s deep lung,
Who hath breathed great life into
Every orifice of this land.
We have lost touch with God’s holy hand
Hercules hath not revealed himself
Nae Dionysus
Nae Odin
Nae Jesus Christ.
Yet a hope remains:
In the dizzying twilight of the end of days
In the drunken beam of the pale moon
When war is rich and the prize is richer
And tenderness holds us resolutely
When blood runs fevered and our love
Poised by our own sweet hysteria,
And we feast once more on life’s great orgy.

[Anonymous No.17106993]

>>17105187
Write some yourself