[ 3 / biz / cgl / ck / diy / fa / ic / jp / lit / sci / vr / vt ] [ index / top / reports ] [ become a patron ] [ status ]
2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

View post   
File: 6 KB, 232x244, pencil01a.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1764495 No.1764495 [Reply] [Original]

Critique my poem, /lit/!

I hear the drums echoing tonight
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation
She's coming in, 12:30 flight
The moonlit wings reflect the stars that guide me towards salvation
I stopped an old man along the way
Hoping to find some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
He turned to me as if to say
"Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

It's going to take a lot to drag me away from you
There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do
I bless the rains down in Africa
Going to take some time to do the things we never had

The wild dogs cry out in the night
As they grow restless longing for some solitary company
I know that I must do what's right
Sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengetti
I seek to cure what's deep inside
Frightened of this thing that I've become

>> No.1764505

hold the line

>> No.1764533

sounds like pop song lyrics

It's going to take~ a lot to drag me away from youuuuuuuuuuuuuu
There's nothing that a hundred men or more, could ever doooooooooooooooo

maybe country i dunno.

>> No.1764563

>>1764533
You're a fucking idiot.
>>1764495
You're not going to find much help here OP, take it to an actual poetry site.

Need to break up some stanzas and shorten obvious lines or use enjambments.

>> No.1764573

"Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you"

It's going to take a lot to drag me away from you

Do not end on the same word.

Second Stanza needs to be completely redone.

>> No.1764583

>>1764573

How do I express that I won't let anything drag me away from her, then?

>> No.1764731

Bump.

>> No.1765735

I'm necroing the shit out of this to say

>>1764563
>>1764573

You two are motherfucking morons.

>> No.1765744
File: 431 KB, 503x678, 1299549976042.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
1765744

>> No.1765752

>>1765735
>Insulting people that are no longer here
>Calling other morons

>> No.1765790

>>1765735
>"Critique my poem, /lit/!"

>Not letting a thread die because you found out you were insulted
>Browsing 4chan more than once a day