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/lit/ - Literature


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[ERROR] No.18612020 [Reply] [Original]

Just post your poems. If they're good, or just that bad, they'll likely get a response. Critique at will, or not--it can't hurt your chances for one in return.


Previous Thread: >>18594695

>> No.18612053

>> No.18612189

when fade is strong
and angst is born
a suffocating place of suffer
remember from
the oath you sworn
to go beyond malicious laughter

perditious cynicism that stains
nobility of soul's endeavours
it put belief and sight in chains
then binds ― to common cursed level

so here I stand to strained silence
I know my filth my weak my sins
to make of these a diamond trident
still paradoxically I plead

>> No.18612232

Hiro and Janny blow
We know how trannies roll
First remove the captcha dummies
Burst thru the board for no money
Basement dwelling janitors swallow
Waste em without any more sorrow

>> No.18612235

Probably the greatest prose /lit/ will ever write : >>18612108

>> No.18612375

Forsyn uden Formål
Mit Centrum er en kemisk Reaktion,
min Periferi er en optisk Illusion.
En Cirkel omringet af evig Nat,
men herinde lyser en Glød besat.

Nøgterne Neuroner nærlæser Spejlbilledet i Vinduet.

Selvkonstrueret Skizofreni, fast Fantasme.

Fortolk Tomrummet!
Fnis af Selvmodsigelsen!
Fortær Svælget!

Providence without Purpose
My Centre is a chemical Reaction,
my Circumference is an optical Illusion.
A Circle surrounded by Eternal Night,
but inside shines a Glow obsessed.

Neutral Neurons analyze the Reflection in the Window.

Self-Constructed Schizophrenia, firm Phantasm.

Interpret the Void!
Understand the Contradiction!
Giggle at the Isolation!
Consume the Abyss!

>> No.18612384

>it's another "everyone posts, no one rates" episode

>> No.18612397

>>18612384
why rating? does it tickle your ego? maybe make a tripcode? if anyone has something to say - let him speak if not, don't bring those school like ''rules'' to a place of
FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM (and rowdy rhymeposting).

>> No.18612419

>>18612053
I like the framing but the letter is surface and cringe. Push on, Nigger.
>>18612189
Put down the thesaurus, you're making a fool of yourself. Written like a child, no sense of rhythm.
>>18612232
LOL aha ha kek fuck you. your Spur if the moment ideas are shit and the sign of an inferior brain. You are way less intelligent than you imagine yourself to be.
>>18612375
See above. You are not smart, you're just a smartass with subnormal emotional development.

We sat in front of the hospital at the river
Warm sun, cold wind, dogshit
Berlin

>> No.18612449

>>18612419
>making a fool of yourself.
'fool of myself' perhaps that is true
but with 'no rhythm' you flew
and on a poop you have chewed

I didn't use any 2fancy words
I got you twice, now shut it, lying dog.

>> No.18612478

>>18612384
many people read the poems but don't want to type out a critique.. a good critique is hard

>> No.18612511

>>18612449
Seethe as much as you want, but why not make it in the form of a poem? Would be fitting for the thread.

>> No.18612527

>>18612419
>>18612511
Look everyone, we have a mighty critic!
He is so loud but looking kind of bitter
He's hiding his pretense behind the veil of jokes
But eye does see his coward's heart of dog

You are but shit
A punk's juice
flowing down, a spit
for jannies to mop up.
come near

>seethe
>dilate

>> No.18612533

>>18612020
Today I farted and sucked cock
tomorrow I'll shoot and kill God

>> No.18612542

>>18612527
Only thing missing is "m'lady".

>> No.18612558

>>18612542
your final defence? it is weak.
real thanks for a cool hat meme

>> No.18612585

>>18612558
>your final defence? it is weak.
real thanks for a cool hat meme
M'lady

Ftfy

>> No.18612631

>>18612585
oh your a tranny now? trying to beg on some special rights to evade judgement for your misbehaviour itt? sorry no you are what you are, if you are a pretentious lame that's a fate yet
you will never be a P O E T. watch this --

boipuccyman mentally dead
demented like bread
oy it can't even breed
no chance for yee freak

>> No.18612639

Eſcapād frum þa ſpūſs
I ſeen ſenſe— þa pūls
Crick on 'em in ávericə
An' ſuck doun frum premiſə
But feign þə goodly Lovə
For oſean do drip frum abovə
Crick þa ſpuſs an crick ða ðə
For puls ſurelee be ða ðə ða ðə

>> No.18613052

>>18612375
In episode 16 of neon genesis, shinji becomes trapped in an angel that exists in a higher dimension. Your poem makes me think of his struggle in this dimension, only, without the final embrace of his mother that rescues him in the end

>> No.18613137

>>18612384
seriously dude. What you consider as a rate, I probably would see as vapid pats on the back. Or as reinforcement of the shitty qualities that you share

>> No.18613794

at forstå intet
møllens konstant roterende vinger rager spørgende
og fra en klar himmel styrter hinsides lynild som svar
erotisk sluger flammerne møllen i en enkelt mundfuld
nu blæser vinden frit omkring - ikke flere spørgsmål

to understand nothing
the mill's constantly rotating blades poke questioningly
and from a clear sky plunge ethereal lightning in response
erotically, the flames swallow the mill in a single mouthful
now the wind blows unhindered - no more questions

>> No.18613803

>>18613794
fair enough

>> No.18614208

> Lamp-Lighter
________________

Voluptuous and sensual
she stretches to her toes.

Lacey and black silk leaves
little unexposed.

Tender hands slip across
thinly veiled thighs.

Red lips and red hair
glisten in the night.

Beethoven's symphony
number three plays soft.

She dances herself
under dim lamp light.

>> No.18614965

Lo the sultan
Felt very lonely
Although he had
A harem his only

>>18612053
thoughts and suggestions
>his herd are
herd of
>as have I
as I have
>drowned
bland
>at play
>by day
by day could be a different line
>last verse
too much
>last line
melt into solitude is bland
>>18612189
adjectives are bad
>>18612419
dont like the second line. "In Berlin" would be a nice rhyme
>>18612639
nice
>>18613794
why did you abandon the internal rhymes after line two? nice scene
>erotically
unnecessary
>>18614208
adjectives make it bland

>> No.18615038

Open your heart


Open your heart,
the sun shines through the door,
third eye, light of darkness,
reflects light's fly

And Judas seeks,
and mesiah's weak, the dear is meek,
the drugs are meek, yourself isn't complete,
Mefisto's decision are senseless,
your lies lie defenseless.

Open your heart,
the sun shines through the door,
third eye, light of darkness,
reflects light's fly,
a far away mass, foreign to all
thought, Jupiter thought,
murder since childhood he wrote,
soul sold, contract bought.

A thought timid,
weak, who brought her, pathetic,
a silent bitch,
nail to a cross like Christ
to let her suffer,
pay her dues to earth and people
paying injustice through tears is cheaper,
maybe god'll arrive, pity over whore's goodbye
or at least make the pain meager

Open your heart,
the sun shines through the door,
third eye, light of darkness,
reflects light's fly,
a far away mass, foreign to all
thought, Jupiter thought,
murder since childhood he wrote,
soul sold, contract bought.

Evils I do only to get Christ back,
dedicate him to a holy fire, a dedicated attack,
on the cursed peoples, wet, sweaty, with diseases,
wasting time, the work is not done,
ropes are missing, to hangings we gave
half of the people wishing they were already in a grave,
such is the commodity, such oddity,
birthed from sins and clouds,
sun's horizon, aesthetic of hanging,
demon hearts grow warmer.

(Free translation, also HOLY SHIT, I LEAVE FOR 2 MONTHS AND THE CAPTCHA BECOMES IMPOSSIBLE, WHAT THE FUCK, like, I am drunk, but I can read and this is just bizzare, it's been 20 minutes and shit either looks like S or 2 or Z or literally a letter that isn't in the alphabet)

>> No.18615134

Love's airbound but not just feelings
all 'round the world, electric dealings.
A message sent to modern locket
is rather like synapse's socket.
Parse through my beloved's profile
ten thousand likes is her new style.
Goose bumps straight hair, formulaic
one could assume part voltaic.
Power lines connect my heart
and at 60 hertz I'm no Descartes.
Mind and matter might make one
but I'm a Mexican no-Juan.
Yes my e-girl dumped me
No I don't need therapy.

>> No.18615195

>>18614965
Don't give advice. Adjectives are absolutely okay to use in poetry, especially if tactically chosen to enforce the theme or idea being presented. For example, if you're just highlighting the sun then no adjective is needed, but if you're highlighting the warmth given specifically by the sun then one is needed. Leaving details for the reader to interpret is great; using specific details to present a theme to the reader is also great--just know what you're trying to achieve. Emulsifying the two is what is bad.

>> No.18615310

>>18613794
I like what you did here and how you achieved it. But there's a slight integrity issue, a nitpick from the detail oriented (I mean it as a compliment since the piece is tight enough to merit a nitpick). In image, you first build the blades up as 'constantly' spinning yet then describe them as 'questioningly' poking. One evokes an image of resoluteness, as it should (uniform blades moving at uniform speed), while the other implies an impishness, something much harder to attribute to the mill's blades specifically. Could very well be you just describing it once from man's perspective to then from god's (nature's) perspective, but doing it so quickly and in the same line jars the imagery and creates an inconsistency.
This could also be a translation issue, but I don't quite think so since I can extrapolate most words from the original based on the interpretation and it seems quite accurate as far as language goes. Again though, I like this piece and even with that very slight hiccup the imagery is great.

>> No.18615990

>>18615195
my man, i didnt mean all. they were common and unnecessary adjectives, hurting simplicity, ambiguity and evocative power, while cheapening (in the case of >>18614208) a poem id otherwise like (if it werent for glisten, tender, soft: which arent all adjectives, so my bad) down to mediocrity. youre free to disagree ofc

>> No.18616162

>>18615990
You literally said adjectives are bad, my man. I don't mind the adjectives in the poem you quoted there either. Glisten and tender seem to reinforce the theme of intimacy and sensuality that's being worked at, then soft works with the stanza there to keep it intimate yet cut the reader from in the moment and return it to the subject as solely her own for a different form of intimacy. If not for soft, the point of that stanza could be missed. It's a very average poem, but I don't think it's weighed down by it's adjectives at all. There clearly no intention of ambiguity, and it's still plenty evocative because of it's details.

>> No.18616381

Эмaлиpoвaннoe cyднo
Oкoшкo, тyмбoчкa, кpoвaть, –
Жить тяжeлo и нeyютнo
Зaтo yютнo yмиpaть
Эмaлиpoвaннoe cyднo
Oкoшкo, тyмбoчкa, кpoвaть, –
Жить тяжeлo и нeyютнo
Зaтo yютнo yмиpaть

И тихo кaпaeт из кpaнa
И жизнь, pacтpeпaнa, кaк блядь
Bыхoдит кaк бы из тyмaнa
И видит: тyмбoчкa, кpoвaть...
И я пытaюcь пpипoднятьcя
Хoчy в глaзa eй пoглядeть
Bзглянyть в глaзa и – paзpыдaтьcя
И никoгдa нe yмepeть, никoгдa нe yмepeть
Hикoгдa нe yмepeть, никoгдa нe yмepeть, никoгдa нe yмepeть

>> No.18616531

Therapy of destruction
The slow breathless strike of a match
Remarkably black ceramic fumes wrinkle the stationary stars
My lobotomized smile is choked by the honeysuckled sweet marmalade haze
I tint my hate on the moth’s stupid dance with the drifting cinders

My glowing eyes weaken
My bolt drawn soul loosens and weeping breaks
From the shaky fence post tears flow up to the vast vapor broken roof
I beg the pale dimpled angel closer, in my sky bound ashes there is no sister
I walk forward to smother my cries of impotence

>> No.18616541

>>18615134
Good flow

>> No.18616570

>>18616531
Now this is a good example of bad adjective use

>> No.18616580

>>18616570
What specifically?

>> No.18616589

>>18616162
well I meant THE adjectives. anyways I take feet poetry seriously. some of the best poems ive read were feet poems in here. i couldnt deprive a fellow anon my thoughts and my thoughts happened to be that those are very common cliched poemy words

>> No.18616626

>>18616589
That's all fair. Just throwing in my two cents. Like you said, to each their own

>> No.18616628

zip up your fly butters
sip semen from a gutter
leave this board tranny
we've got broads and money
no need for tripfags and animals
so we'd better spit facts and be critical
fuck wine aunts in the anus
rock fine cunts indeed shameless

*drops quill*

>> No.18617231

sneed sneed sneed
chucks chucks chucks
and that's about it.

>> No.18617359

why call cunt the hole
when the real cunt is the whole
the lying mouth, the painted face
the evil brain behind it

why say cunts have soul
they've hearts as blacks as coal
it's a mirage that men do chase
but none shall ever find it

>> No.18617367

*black...

>> No.18617462

>>18612020
My erection
I broke my nofap
Yes
YES
I just came

>> No.18617588

Man was suspected of niggardry severe
Him hands shone and set to disappearə
For th'multitude of mutilated plentɨ
Had scuffed his roughness gently
Genial spook from th'cloth of Mammón
Niggar me not— onto th'ages— amōn

>> No.18618776

Sketching with graphite--
Microscopic mountain range--
Crush for creation

>> No.18619639

Write me a sonnet from 'neath that bonnet,
your mess of madman's locks.
Sounds of a morning mourning knights of nights
and days behind door's locks.
By what tale or fable do you think yourself Able,
to furnish lasting meaning from a mind so marked and pocked?
Here you find yourself demeaning,
doubting self and all its seeming,
how divinely pleasing Gemini,
to find Cain as well.
Throw stones at your glass house you fool,
then build a better home.
Don't cower like a mouse and drool
on scraps of master's bones.

>> No.18619709

>>18612020
Holding your hands it's a miracle it happened this way. Guiding my approach to you is if navigating was a subject for the liberal fool. An immaculate over-sensitization of an enigmatic hormone that comes to my lips as, "I love you." Paired with an injustice of two separate outcomes. One walks left while the former takes the road. Now in 2020AD there is nothing left to guide me. I'm a yearning soul dreaming of hypocritical conclusions to my bitter decisions. Trapped in the body of a soldier that just lost his war. For neither side could declare a victory, but a loser remained. Stuck in the past, blinded by the future, no fate has come to grip. For fate is a wish, a wish a shan't take.

>> No.18620343

The Lizridthingy
Was schmillig and the tithy stoads did mire and miggle in the cave
Tall stigzlies were the intracoves, and the code wraths outlaid

Observith the lizridthingy someone, it’s smiles that chomp it’s nails that dice
Perceive it’s immaculate wings, and shove the dubious badrid-advice

He used his mysterious weapon by hand, eternity felt the creatures fight he fought
Of course bested by a dumbdumb tree were he stood too long in thought

Now as in stupid thought it stood, the Lizridthingy eyes a game, came winning through the slippery should and gloated as he camed

A-choo, a-choo! Hey what the fuck are you?
The mysterious weapon mysteriously attacked
That shit is dead, holy shit it’s head—I’m taking this back!

Are you the one with the biggest cock? Come to my grace my destined boy. O deserved day! Hallelujah praise, he blasphemed in his joy

Was schkillig and the tidy stoves did mire and miggle in the cave
Tall stagzlies were the intracoves, and the code wraths outlaid

>> No.18620621

>>18620343
had a stroke while reading this

>> No.18620682

>>18620343
Stopped reading at schmilling

>> No.18620726

>>18620621
>>18620682
Please tell me you know of Jabberwocky

>> No.18620728

>>18612020
A poem about my friend and his landlord:

Ne'er a word had passed betwixt my lips to Clint's
And yet a bond beyond the subtle hints
Of tension blossom'd, sighs of deep content
When I found how to skip the rent.

An oath we swore one ruddy april night,
Both filled with sanguine glee and hot delight.
Before we delved too deep in love's embrace
His wife across the Styx would be most right:
Her rites, my right to take her place.

The shower's water bloom'd with blood, my sin
All washed away by lust, and guilt within.
Without the wife, but Clint can't bear the cross
He can't but think this albatross
A noose too nice, he wants me to repent
The verdict says I'll pay no rent.

I rot alone in this black cell
But Death himself can't stop the swell
Of blood and love for Clint from me,
Who got a place to stay for free.

>> No.18620944

>>18620728
you're fucking your landlord/10

>> No.18621305

>>18620944
It's about my friend I promise

>> No.18621751

>>18620726
It's why I immediately stopped reading

>> No.18622368

>>18621751
okay, yeah, fair enough

>> No.18622396

>>18621751
Also it’s “schmillig” not schmilling. Wtf is schmilling

>> No.18622682

>>18616381
I can't read that shit

>> No.18622779

I like these threads but feel as though my poetry would be bad. How long have you all been doing it? Do you read a lot of poetry or just let your mind flow? Some of these are p good

>> No.18622942

>>18622779
Fuck that, I want to know what this placed used to be like. I became committed only about 2 months ago

>> No.18623230

>>18612020
>I will rate later

This poem
I write
Outta spite

>> No.18623236

>>18612020
If

You can read

You can sneed

>> No.18623265

don't be afraid of a man
don't fear his words, don't fear his deeds
don't fear his gaze, don't fear his thoughts
don't fear his past, don't fear his future
only with fear you may be afraid
be afraid of fear

>> No.18623434

cumgenius bungees from butters vagina
come g yes bum squeeze find the remainder
to this scene jannies masturbate
thru bliss dummy mass-hurr-baits
whereas anons post sick rhymes
bear-ass cannon hoes trick fo' dimes
grab a broom and sweep up here sweaty
badaboom ante up on a pier jetty

>> No.18623439

Whenever I write poetry I'm always sucked into this decameter rhythm which feels really sing-song and neophytic. Is the solution just to read more poetry? Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

>> No.18623959

kick-ack crack cat cack crack-ette tet tret
tee toe tye tea teet-tight tote-ette
tow shell-la low lee lie lo let
me let me, be be be, be be
I try tree thai tea teet tight toe tet
me mine mean knee mind me no net
see see see, see see see, see set
free. Please. Set free. Please. Set free
sometimes
It’s
glossolalia,
(lay-lee-yah), (la la),
to
me
it’s whatever-the-hell-it-wants-to-be,
(ha ha)

>> No.18624047

>>18617359
my poem is best, the others are very pitiful efforts indeed

>> No.18624088

>>18624047
yes, you only have to say it, for it to be true

>>
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