poetry thread

[Anonymous No.19763444]

Post and rate
You know the rules

[Anonymous No.19763568]

>>19763444
AAHHHH THE FRENCH QUADS
THEY ARE FO(U)R ME
THY QUADS
MINE EYES

[Anonymous No.19763602]

There's no reason
For treason
I am never alone
In the King's court.

[Anonymous No.19764454]

[Anonymous No.19764936]

Developing. .
Paper creases unfolding
Revealing . .
___________________

[Anοnymous No.19765019]

the time is gone
the song is over
thought I'd something more to say

[Anonymous No.19765090]

one of my faves

[Anonymous No.19765918]

>>19765019
Yeah this is it

[Anonymous No.19765973]

I worried that I killed you
last poetry thread

My soul and heart are
dead serious

I wanted to resurrect Sylvia Plath
and turn her into

one gassy dead bitch

[Anonymous No.19765995]

>>19764936
Also this is excellent. Small but excellent.

[Anonymous No.19766068]

tomorrow i'll do it
yesterday i said the same
in the end i'll know
only i was to blame

[Anonymous No.19766134]

>>19763444
So divine
She too fine
To be mine
So soon

>>19763602
bad
>>19764454
I don't rate poems not in English.
>>19764936
its ok
>>19766068
needs to be fleshed out more.

[Anonymous No.19766446]

>>19763444
So

Another dopamine depression
Is a recession
To the past

How much longer
Will it last

Cause I consign
To wine

To the end

[Anonymous No.19766479]

like a spider on a string
washed down the drain
heaven knows my pain
I'm just a offering

when one is abandoned
to the shadows of the night
in a rotting house of blight
my eyes have been blackened

the wind whispers through her hair
her shadows wanders down the path
escaping a love that can not last
as she leaves, all i do is stare

[Anonymous No.19766861]

Dreamt I had a lot more hair on my chest
but forgot the anthem of this country

I awoke to a dragon scaled ceiling
and for a moment it stooped to let me pet it

Foul world, foul heart, but we fasten grip for the freedom of these moments

[Anonymous No.19767085]

>>19763444
A post
Without a rate
I hate

[Anonymous No.19767181]

>>19767085
Irony no rate

[Anonymous No.19767360]

>>19764454
Libertad

Hefty void today
Limbo rain check on the soul
Random twinges, stray pulse
Tired of numb mouth persistence
Give me Freedom
Please God give me Freedom

[Anonymous No.19768078]

>>19766861
A bit psychedelic and strange, I suggest reading Ovid's influence in Canto II by Ezra Pound, it's got a similar bizarreness to it.
>>19767360
This yours? I think you might benefit from reading Shelley's Masque of Anarchy, or some other political/philosophical writing about freedom.

[Anonymous No.19769404]

Rate my poem

this
is poetry
according to
some
"""""""people""""""""

[Anonymous No.19769738]

>>19769404
it's pretty good

[Anonymous No.19770058]

Poetry became completely obsolete with the creation of hip-hop.

[Anonymous No.19770176]

ruined, fragmentary, shattered, young, 17, smoked bad weed, four years pass, haven't recovered, hospitalized twice, spent November with no laces in my shoes, lobotomy in shot form, lasts months, December screen time 10 hours all 31 days, flat with a pudgy chin, the drool type, don't do much, erased expectations of old self, episode could spring over toothpaste shortage, no consistency, new man every 12 minutes, each iteration insufferably dull, miss them dearly, the mirrored pair of eyes with essence inside, sudden introversion, botched inhale, lost gall.

the enduring dream is restoration, revolution of spirit, restoration of soul. It comes in spurts. they hit like crack. I'd cry daily if the fuguestate faltered, weep, kiss god on the cheek, mumble nursery rhymes.

[Anonymous No.19770216]

>>19770176
Not a poem

[Anonymous No.19770247]

>>19770058
I've listened to a lot of hip hop, but mainly the most degenerate kind, although I have listened to a lot of stuff generally lauded as being lyrical. I've also delved very deeply into poetry. While hip hop, or rather rap, has its strengths, they are limited to partying and celebration of indulgence. The more sublime aspects of quality poetry are far out of its reach.

[Anonymous No.19770310]

>>19770176
zzzz

[Anonymous No.19770338]

>>19770247
My guy doesn’t know of r.a.p. Feirrara (he will rap forever)

[Anonymous No.19770342]

>>19770310
I second

[Anonymous No.19770393]

>>19763444
Why dost thou hold such tyrannical sway
O’er my heart and mind, even unto my
Dreams, yet thou hardly any longer reckon
My existence? The memory of thy
Chalice, it inebriateth me! Why
Art thou my Muse when Urania and
Sophia ought to be my chief delights?
Alas, I could not deliver thee from
Thy perturbing illness as the Son of
Jove delivered the marble maiden out
Of Joppa’s shore from Cetus’ jaw! So my
Heart is bound in adamantine chain till
The two muses who are one inspire me
And unlock thy chain, that I may flee from
Thee and swim in waters empyrean..

[Anonymous No.19770411]

>>19770342
Bugs... easy on the allusions

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19770602]

>>19766479
It feels like in the first stanza you were being serious for the first two lines, then immediately realized how edgy you were being and just went full force in edgy pastiche, just get some more of these kinds of poems out of your system and broaden your reading a bit.

>>19770176
Bad, study kerouac and Ted Hughs if you want to increase the quality of this style.

>>19770247
It really depends on what you mean, if we mean the contemporary form of poetry is superior to rap, this is false due to the overly emotional and lack of control in it so commonly, petty lowly emotions are less sublime than celebration and joy and power, and if you mean to say that you mean non-contemporary poetry, well the techniques of rap are just mostly metrical verse with allowance of substitutions of stresses and high rhyme to the extent of even holorime, people like gorgias and the saj style in Arabia proves this stuff totally has the capacity for higher thought. So in practice rap is gonna be better and more enjoyable and in theory rap doesn’t really lack.

Tamvp

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19770608]

I wrote this poem in pastiche of Lil Wayne

The Rebuke of Azure

enough of azure azaleas damask,
avast! and avast! the profound behold,
enough of the barely holy and masked,
for now I pass the ceremony old.
come search me scourge me test me only gold
most pure I’m sure surges best in me, wholly bold,
i purge each urge, my testimony enfolds,
i am the divergent and I am the goal,
I am the demiurge and I am the soul,
I am the many and I am the sole,
from me comes plenty try to empty my bowl,
the healthy and wealthy and hefty i control,
between epiphany and Sheol I stroll
and eddy for any and every goes
steady then heady as if one great rose,
i flow with revelry in revery repose,
whether destiny or spiral I go
past spire and idol for the fire I know
is not the devil but knowledge aglow
not with dreadful flame but cooler than snow,
it grows but stays level between fast and slow,
it is the rhythm and bezel and plateau and the odd,
the even, the system, the vessel and trods
with rod to trample the pilgrim facade
and tremble the temple with wisdom, leaving God.

[Anonymous No.19770716]

>>19770602
>>19770608

Well... that's quite humbling. Thanks for showing that there can be merit in rap Frater

[Anonymous No.19770802]

>>19770608

Shit is tight son.

[Anonymous No.19770830]

>>19770608
Do you think Lil Wayne read Gerard Manley Hopkins? Or do you think he’s a John Skelton kind of man?
That was very enjoyable by the way.

[Anonymous No.19770880]

Anyway, I was just shitposting when I said hip hop made poetry obsolete but I find it hard to appreciate poetry on an aesthetic level, as rap has more clever wordplay and not to mention it's actually spoken a loud over a beat and at the emotional level, mostly because it's stereotyped as overly pretentious nowadays and written by people with no real struggle to back up their words.

How would I go about learning to appreciate poetry?

[Anonymous No.19770883]

>>19769404
Fun fact: I invented those """"""""""""quote marks""""" It's pretty neat to see them everywhere.

[Anonymous No.19770893]

Looking for help with this one, it was the worst out of a pile of poems:
>Aion
Thou’rt wrapped in that sable, scaly serpent,
Thou standeth proud, wi' sceptre held in hand,
Th’ leonine head’s pointed ears are bent
And listen to th’ wind o’er this lush land.
He’s hearing time without end, as though sand
Blown by th’ wind, season to next season,
Spring comes anew in Dawn’s soft rosy band:
Amber caught within dewdrops is treason
All ‘gainst warm Helios, whose shine's without reason.
>>19770393
I like it and I think you're brave for a lot of your rhymes and polysyllabic words (which I find hard to pull off with meter). If you're going for freedom from chains, it would have been nicer to draw on Prometheus or someone else bound.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19770899]

>>19770830

Thanks a ton!


He was in theater class and pretty educated but it’s not from poetry but rather from rap itself that this comes, I say this because the origin of rap is basically an urban folk music which on account of the songs and poetry of the time not relating to them not being melodically pleasing, they simply recreated the basics of poetry. The oldest forms of rap are effectively narratives in rhymed couplets usually in iambic or trochaic pentameter, eventually their flow styles refine and their characteristic staccato sound develops, and with this more intense study of rhyme, and this is the major divide in rap as an art, I’ve come to name this divide “white” and “black” due to whites preferring one style and black the other, what is unified with both styles is the staccato style, rhyme and trying to master the eccentricities of breath formations in common speech, but the white form of rap cares more for pure density of rhyme harmonized with narrative, whereas the black style is totally about “riding “ the beat, which is to say, making the words you say act as a vocal-instrument, this plus “punchlines” which is to say, pithy one/two lines which are memorable are a major point of focus. Now obviously this is a spectrum, someone like MF DOOM has the highest density of rhymes but very little narrative and not the best flow.

Example

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_mSiKhXqaM

Now compare this to the mouth-instrument primary rappers like Freddie Gibb.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NabmJWtYK5c

Here is a great example of the contrast, I consider biggie the best in terms of flow but Eminem has the most consistent rhymed narratives, watch this song and you can compare them both.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buj_XRGae8M


It’s really fascinating when you ignore the content and begin studying rap from a purely technical perspective. You’re not wrong to say there is a relation to hopkin, because his sprung rhythm form is very much akin to the rap method of producing flow, which is mostly substituting unstressed syllables for the stressed. This is a good way to think of it.

Allegro=normal poetry
Medium=Hopkins
Staccato=rap

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19770912]

>>19770880
Poetry historically wasn’t even about expressing your emotions that’s something we only really see beginning with the romantics and blow up with Whitman, my recommendation is to read an anthology of English poetry, the Norton is standard, I really like the carman bliss “worlds best” but it’s a bit older so that may deter you. And I would recommend listening to poetry on YouTube, if a poem doesn’t sound good to the ear it has failed. Cumberbatch reciting kubla khan is a good beginning.

[Anonymous No.19770956]

I can't think of a better poetic lyric than
>Exodus, movement of Jah People

[Anonymous No.19770965]

>>19770899
I used to listen to a lot of hip hop, and I can understand exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve always liked Jeru the Damaja and Pharoah Monch and Party Arty, for their eccentric deliveries that are punchy but still flowing.
As a random bonus, since I’m english you should check out London Posse, 90s group. Bionic the first rapper on this track was really original and funny.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=6dmuHdrfGto

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19770980]

>>19770965
Sure I’ll give it a listen, I’ve heard a bit of English stuff and drill stuff. Unrelated but Have you listened to any lupe fiasco or canibus? I think you might appreciate mural and 1000 bars respectively.

[Anonymous No.19771725]

Bump

[Anonymous No.19771940]

The yous have dried up
it was the last bit of human
contact left and even that
I fucked up
The yous have dried up

[Anonymous No.19772411]

>>19763444
Montana
On the Highway, 'sizzlin blacktop, dying frontier
Big Sky Country, golden ocean, endless prairie
Watering Holes, six-shot pistols, one horse townships
In the Saloon, no more quick draws, no more card games
Black-eyed dancers, crumpled singles, neon flickers.
Gray haired geezer, would be war chief, drowns the demons
Toothless truckers, hauling timber, chasing crystal
Custer's phantom, prowls the grasses, sore for vengeance
Once proud nation, crammed in trailers, bison long fled

[Anonymous No.19772434]

>>19770899
Your white and black theory is very interesting. Historically, European music has always relied on harmony, while West African music relied on rhythm.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19773042]

>>19772434
An interesting intersection of black and white sensibilities is the most orchestral and/or progressive disco like Barry white or Stevie wonder.

Listen to these even if you’ve heard them already and tell me if you can’t see what I mean.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYQfWJNWe3I

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6Brd2--lUs

[Anonymous No.19774446]

When I'm happy I say
Bitches love my moustache.

When I'm sad I say
This time I'm really gonna do it.

[Anonymous No.19774469]

Help me, help me, help me
I can't solve anything with words
I can't solve anything that's worth
anything to me.

Take everything from my mouth
dry me out, I am laying on the floor,
I can't move anymore,
what a funny feeling.

My thoughts,
lie all around me, there is a sound as God
opens up my bedroom door.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19774929]

Wizard Song

a wisp of wizard whispers configure my lips,
i continue this, not as a ritualist,
for this lore will correct your error
as flora grows fairer with water I declare
this terror and horror will cleanse your aura
and senses of wiles beguiling your eye in the storm.
arise titan allured and entranced reform
your form from void the destroyed substance torn
into malformed ajar and bizarre avatars,
the vile i revile so I rile the cinnabar
the sulphur the salt, the whole stir, I blur
the other and lover to discover another
beyond number and utterly any summary.

[Anonymous No.19775193]

To felling new trees
To chipping fresh rock
May we wake to clearness

__


To floating onion peels:
Must you always evade me?

[IA No.19775243]

>>19765019
I like the conciseness. It's a nice little poem.


>>19766068
Like this one. Would, personally, replace the last line with
> I am the only to blame
Think it would flow better that way.


>>19766134
> She too fine
I'm sure ebonics are not intentional
> She's
Also, nice poem. I don't don't want to impose over someone's artistic integrity, but I think last line kinda "under-delivers" rhythmically.
> So divine,
> She's too fine
> To be mine
> Quite so soon.

>>19769404
> according to
> some
Make above into one line so it doesn't break the rhythm. And I'd also recommend adding another line that would be an epithet to those "people" and would rhyme with "some":
> this
> is poetry
> according to some
> """""""people""""""""
> To good poetry numb

> Also loogs lieg a pyhamid :DD


>>19771940
I like this one.


>>19774469
I like the picture it paints
In my head,
Although that is subjective,
You poem sure is a delight
For this poetry thread.
And also, first stanza
Reads more like a song,
Can't help myself
But to sing along
As I spell it,
I would record a vacaroo,
But I have no microphone
In this dwelling.
Oh, never mind,
I'll record on my phone.
Pardon the drone,
I though It'd sound better
When strumming along.

https://voca.ro/1FHNuTFY3mhs

[IA No.19775249]

Perception of Things

The sun
Used to shine brighter,
It did,
I remember it so.
It's pale,
No longer yellow,
It falls colder —
An incandescent snow.

The thoughts are too crisp now,
No longer the thoughts of a child,
No longer like henids.
A shame
It really is,
To live in a mind too conscientious.
To live in and not with,
For such living
Is closer to dwelling
In a cell
Made in one's cognitive slot.
There's no telling
How far one will go
Expelling
The Animal
From the dark corners of thought.

And the graph,
It has to be analyzed,
The patterns
Must there be found.
The order,
Inconsequential at first,
Must reveal something profound.
An innermost secret
It must convey,
Bring even more sharpness
To human dismay.
And what's the result?
Sun shines a little less brighter,
Hot coffee now faster turns cold,
For the life might be granted
By some one high above,
It's up for the human
To grasp it
And make it unbearable
In doing so.

[Anonymous No.19775264]

>>19770912
ooo?
what was poetry historically for? This is a big thing I need to fix in my conception of it

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.19775309]

>>19775264
Same thing prose is for. Poetry and prose are identical except poetry is prose that fixates on sound harmonizing with content. Poetry is not in emotion for almost all of the ancients were against little human emotions, poetry is not about rhyme since the ancients didn’t rhyme, poetry isn’t about meter because all of The historical ancient Hebrew poetry wasn’t in meter, this includes all of the poetry in the Bible which neither rhymed nor had meter, likewise the prose poem is a tradition and the ancient rhetoric students wrote prose in meter.

All poetry is, is prose that has more focus on how it sounds and has more mastery over techniques to manipulate sound. Historically most of the ancient poetry are going to be about how jovial they are, how nice the world is, how much wealth or power they have, the glories of your city, your people, fiction, etc etc.

Like anything that prose does, poetry does and is for. In the same way you have prose writings focused on expressing emotions so also will you find poetry that does the same.

Just check out an Anthology of English poetry and you’ll see the division between prose and poetry melt.

[Anonymous No.19775337]

>>19775249
hey I think that's great

[IA No.19775531]

>>19775337
Thank you,
My friend.
We're all gonna make it
In the end.

[IA No.19776301]

Sitting in Silence

How do I hide
From din
That falls upon my ears,
When I'm subjected to
The silence so complete?
How do I get relief
From hearing my own heart
Beating a steady rhythm,
Piercing though my body?
Where do I find peace
From the unceasing winds
I hear when I cover my ears?
There truly is no hiding
From the clamour of gears
Going on inside me.
Never before I realized,
How deafening
The silence is.

[Anonymous No.19777044]

it is truly
really truly
genuinely surprising
that in [current
year]
we haven't yet figured it out
and in fact
are getting dumber by the picosecond

[Anonymous No.19778135]

I know it isn't good but can someone give me some critique?

It is said man comes from dust
And to dust he must return.
Windswept bones of a man who
Broke his back building the breadth
Of progress that I will,
Attached as some bloodsucking
Parasite,
Take permanently as a home.
His blood spilled over dust.
And they buried the body.
Rot, decay and filth!
Let the worms eat the bones and blood.
Let every scratching screaming tick
Call to Viddus to sever
Anything that ever
Lit the flames inside a man.
What furie’s forced me here?
Sometimes,
I can remember
In the smallest hour
When dream and truth no longer hold their divorce.
A putrefied fetid mire
An infinity of hands
Reaching up from some even deeper darkness.
And I pulled and wailing
A new born wrenched towards
Complete unfamiliarity.
And all I felt was frost.
Somewhere,
In the deepest reaches of North
A she-wolf walks with cubs.
And huddling them beneath her coat
Finds shelter under a fallen tree.
Tiny mouths suckle her body.
Searching for a teat to pull milk
But she is in far shortage to give.
She shivers from the freezing wind
Pulls a mewing form below her
Where she lives all you know is the cold
And she will teach her cubs to survive.

[Anonymous No.19778149]

a small wind howls
on a warm summer night
path is lit by fireflies light
darkness echoes the hoot of an owl

[Anonymous No.19778157]

What spectre haunts just over horizon
Where the bosom of sheets takes one towards
And Lethe drips into your slow breathe until,
the mind forgets all the trouble of day.
Only an hour before had I; split apart inside
Fought with all that I have been given.
For terror that within each thought
Has possessed for its own merit
Weapons that I could never hope to triumph against.
Now the Oneiroi have so carefully
Constructed a theater within, which
The lessons of the past forgotten day
Are dealt to me with more far more clemency.
Before this coast was horror
And the turn from one day to another,
Played the armies of emotion into bloody war.
And who else lies here with me
That voice that speaks from deeper yet.
Devil fiend or angel, I will truely never know.
For you have told that me the war is lost
The wounds already far too deep
And riven of the soul leaves only death by its command.

[Anonymous No.19778201]

Charlene
You were in a wheelchair
Your breasts hung down like water balloons
Your voice was rough that I could tell you were repressed sexually.
I took note of that in a sympathetic manner.
The act itself was a mixture of passion and cringe
Like bad acting in a play but sometimes sex is
I felt a connection
Some would mock us but I'm not sure I would care
You stopped replying to me a couple of months ago
And I can tell why the world holds me to such disdain
At least I can be sincere, the dog is happy to see me
And my loneliness
I pull my pants from my ankles and sigh
Sighing are the cries of the indifferent

[IA No.19778502]

>>19777044
I like the flow, but I'd say you need to either find a different last word, rhyme it with "surprising",
or remove the "the" before "picosecond".


>>19778135
> Let
> Let
I feel like "Let" can only be used as a started for a sentence if the setup before it portrays the narrator as someone of a great status. It's an order after all, even if thrown in a conceding manner. And your poem sets it up to portray narrator as
> as some bloodsucking
> Parasite,
I find that people don't usually care about those with low self-esteem, especially if your narrator is a man. So reading those "Let" orders from a narrator who thinks of himself as "undeserving" just sounds awkward.
I liked everything after
> And all I felt was frost.
But the lines before that one sound to me a little too abstract, it was hard to follow sometimes. But otherwise a good poem.
>>19778149
I read it multiple times and it always feels like there should be one more line that is missing.


>>19778201
That's a nice ending, describes perfectly how I felt after finishing this poem. Even the poems of Houellebecq have more passion. I think that might be because of the subversion, or rather because of a mocking treatment, of otherwise important matters, or at least matters one shouldn't feel apathetic about.
The narrator doesn't sound like a cynic, more like he has no substance.

[Anonymous No.19778605]

>>19778502
>I read it multiple times and it always feels like there should be one more line that is missing.


a small wind howls
on a warm summer night
path is lit by fireflies lights
darkness echoes the hoot of an owl

wind roars to life
crickets scamper across the grass
this moment can not last
thunder strikes like a knife

Packs of dogs cry to gods eye
voices carried by the winds
any and all light now dim

[IA No.19778657]

>>19778605
I like it.

[Anonymous No.19778862]

What about this poem? It was written by a friend of a friend.

[Anonymous No.19779135]

>>19775249
suggestions on lines that dont go well
>No longer yellow,
not yellow
>Is closer to dwelling
is dwelling
>Bring even more sharpness
bring sharpness to (removing the to from the line below so its 3 syllables like "it must convey")
>Hot coffee now faster turns cold,
hot coffee now turns cold faster (i dont know why you didnt opt for this when it rhymes with above line)
>>19776301
>din
from the din?
>The silence so complete?
silence so complete
>How do I get relief
how do i relieve myself
>From hearing my own heart
of hearing...
>I hear
>when I cover my ears?
"i hear" could be in the above line or a line on its own like i did
>There truly is no hiding
there's truly no...
>How deafening
>The silence is.
pretty sure i heard this before
>>19778135
>Attached as some bloodsucking
>Parasite,
id get rid. and also everything after
>Take permanently as a home.

she wolf part could be another poem. might be better to keep the setting the same. more descriptions, less adjectives back to back and melodrama
>Rot, decay and filth!
>Let
>What furie’s forced me here?
>some even
>>19778149
nice pic. ABBA poems are always off to me
>a small wind howls
id write "small winds howl" (itd rhyme with owl better too)
>fireflies light
firefly light
>>19775193
>clearness
dont like. maybe something with a single syllable. the rest i like best
>>19774469
interesting. i really like "what a funny feeling"
i really like my version, what say u?
>I can't solve anything with words
>I can't solve anything that's worth
>anything to me.

>there is a sound
>as God opens up
>my bedroom door.

>I am laying on the floor,
>I can't move anymore,
>what a funny feeling.
(first stanza could be at the end)
>>19774446
great. consider with a grain of salt to make the syllable count match in both stanzas like
>and when im sad i say
>this time i might do it
>>19772411
great. might save
>golden ocean, endless prairie
switch places so rhymes are back to back instead of ABA. otherwise B (ocean) sounds unmatched

[Anonymous No.19779885]

Tits
Body
Ass
Feet

[Anonymous No.19780909]

>>19779885
Vagina

[Anonymous No.19780917]

>>19778502
>I find that people don't usually care about those with low self-esteem, especially if your narrator is a man
Maybe a bit cringe but I meant the narrator to be Demeter

[Anonymous No.19781415]

>>19778157
I don't know much about English poetry and diction but there are two elements that seem strange to me:
The hiatus
>Only an
seems to require some effort to pronounce.
The line
>Weapons that I could never hope to triumph against.
seems to me unbearably long compared to the others and makes a too clear break.
I like the spun metaphors of war and the mythological theme that intervenes with the Lethe and the Oneiroi.

>>19778605
For this text I really like the first stanza, especially the rhythm of the last line
>Darkness echoes the hoot of an owl
In the verse
>Thunder strikes like a knife
the alliteration in k works but the knife undermines a lot the impact of the thunder
Overall the rhythm is good and the images are very evocative.
I don't write in English, but if anyone wants to listen to this reading and tell me if anything sounds unpleasant, cacophonous or evocative, I'd love to hear about it: https://vocaroo.com/1fzbipSZoBhO

[Anonymous No.19781809]

>>19781415
>seems to me unbearably long compared to the others and makes a too clear break.
I really just wrote that line on its own and like it so much I wanted to find any way to insert it, I intended a break but I agree it sounds too clear and unnatural.
thanks for the critique

[Anonymous No.19781843]

DC skyscrapers reflect the sun like fire
Philistine Phallus mighty ivory towers
Break your neck screening skyward to find
Panhandling emotional dimes.
I’ve seen them dot the countryside //needs work
In Burlington cobblestone pens,
The new men lay on silken beds
And cough the new plague onto them.
They vomit what they could’ve been
Into pearl translucent hands,
Mix it with mercury and liquor
So they can drink it down again.
The circus of shattered innocence
Dances across the land
Charging sweet submission
To watch where providence meets its end.

[Anonymous No.19781859]

>>19781852
I'm actually fucking retarded and can't copy shit correctly

DC skyscrapers reflect the sun like fire
Philistine Phallus mighty ivory towers
Break your neck screening skyward to find
Panhandling emotional dimes.
I’ve seen them dot the countryside
In Burlington cobblestone pens,
The new men lay on silken beds
And cough the new plague onto them.
They vomit what they could’ve been
Into pearl translucent hands,
Mix it with mercury and liquor
So they can drink it down again.
The circus of shattered innocence
Dances across the land
Charging sweet submission
To watch where providence meets its end.