rate my writings

[Anonymous No.20801231]

Why do people have to live outside?
In the brutal heat or when it’s below freezing
There are people that are made to live outside
Why?

Why do people have to live outside
When there arebuildingsallaround us
With heaton and noone inside
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why do people have to live outside?
Why?
Why?
Why do people have to live outside?
Why?
Why?
Why?

Why do people have to live outside?
In tents, under bridges
Living with nothing and horribly suffering
Why?
Why do people have to live outside?
We have the resources
We have the means

Why?
Why?
Why?

Why do people have to live outside?
I couldn't survive out on the streets
Why?

Why do people have to live outside?
I couldn't survive out on the streets
I've never had to push all of my shit around in a shopping cart, have you?
Have you ever had ringworm?
Scabies?
Have you ever had to live outside?
I don't want to live outside
Why?
Why?
Why do people have to live outside?
Horror story
Real American horror story
And it's a fuckin' tragedy
Fuckin' tragedy
Every day
Every day
People have to live outside
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?

[Anonymous No.20801249]

>>20801231
pretentious and boring

[Anonymous No.20801253]

is this vogon poetry?

[Anonymous No.20801261]

>>20801249
i thought i was being profound
inb4 profoundly retarded
>>20801253
no. do you like it?

[Anonymous No.20801339]

>>20801261
Stop repeating yourself, use specific nouns (or if you don’t want to, find actually interesting sentence structure), make your social commentary more subtle and specific. I don’t care about “people” in the abstract sense. I care about this one specific homeless man with a scraggly beard and a tired look in his eyes and a million empathetic things about him and all the ways he reflects/doesn’t reflect me.

[Anonymous No.20801344]

>>20801231
The problem with

>Why?
>Why?
>Why?

Is that the reader doesn't really read it with the pacing you're intending. You scan over it and see "Why?" three times. It has no rhythm unless it's read aloud.

[Anonymous No.20801379]

>>20801339
>Stop repeating yourself
does it come off as childish? i thought it came full circle and ended up seeming esoteric/worth reading into.
>find actually interesting sentence structure
mind elaborating on that?
>I don’t care about “people” in the abstract sense. I care about this one specific homeless man with a scraggly beard and a tired look in his eyes and a million empathetic things about him and all the ways he reflects/doesn’t reflect me.
gotcha
>>20801344
sorry, i don't follow what you're saying. won't the reader see the repetition and realize the gravity of the housing crisis? doesn't it hammer the idea into the reader's head?

[Anonymous No.20801426]

>>20801231
Shut the fuck up man quit asking me so many questions

[Anonymous No.20801466]

>>20801231
>>20801231
It just sounds like you feel bad for homeless people. It is a little childish I think, especially for a poem... Kind of like you are complaining, not even empathetic. Maybe you should write prose about your issue with this, the form isn't good

[Anonymous No.20801616]

>>20801231
>why
Because the homeless are degenerate untermensch and deserve to suffer

[Anonymous No.20801641]

Why am I a spoiled bitch dependent on modern convenience?
How have I become so deranged that I expect and demand the same level of slavery to petty base urges from everyone else?
Why?
Why am I so retarded?
I want to live outside.

[Anonymous No.20801645]

>>20801641
Why do people have to live outside?

[Anonymous No.20801646]

>>20801231
You call this writing? I call this scatterbrained scribble. Read more books.

[Anonymous No.20801678]

>>20801645
>Why do people have to live outside?
You mean like bums? Mostly mental issues but it depends on the case.
I would say it's a good idea to live outside to avoid becoming like you.

[Anonymous No.20801695]

>>20801646
>ad hominem
take your own "read more books" advice, brainlet
>>20801678
>You mean like bums? Mostly mental issues but it depends on the case.
Have you ever had to live outside?
I don't want to live outside

[Anonymous No.20801713]

>>20801695
>I don't want to live outside
Because you're a whiny bitch. You definitely should try living outside.
The subtext of your poem is "why doesn't everyone accept my benevolent masters that have trained me".
It's the moaning of a dog that his master isn't considered God by everyone else.

[Anonymous No.20801721]

>>20801713
People are living outside in tents, under bridges,
living with nothing and horribly suffering

[Anonymous No.20801726]

>>20801379
>mind elaborating on that
"Something there is that likes walls"
You don't have to be as egregious with it as Robert Frost, but think of unique and concise ways to rephrase common sayings, such that the ordering of words continually recontextualizes the previous words or alters their meaning in some way. It is hard to give concrete examples, but looking at poems and keeping this in mind, you'll know what I mean.

[Anonymous No.20801732]

>>20801721
You suffer more than many of those you pity.

[Anonymous No.20801735]

>>20801721
thanks, very good advice. can't say the same for >>20801732
rude and immature.

[Anonymous No.20801741]

>>20801735
Your entire existence is an insult to life. You are far lower than a dog.

[Anonymous No.20801747]

>>20801741

[Anonymous No.20801751]

>>20801695
are you insane?

[Anonymous No.20801756]

>>20801747
The only hope you have in life is if a homeless man takes pity on you and gives you some mentoring as charity.

[Anonymous No.20801757]

>>20801751
Have you ever had to live outside?
I don't want to live outside

[Anonymous No.20801767]

>>20801756

[Anonymous No.20801776]

>>20801757
Have you ever had to live in a factory?
I don't want to live in a factory.
I want to live outside.
Where the air lives.

[Anonymous No.20801786]

>>20801776
>1776
checked. God bless America.
>Have you ever had to live in a factory?
i've *worked* in a factory
>I want to live outside.
I don't want to live outside

[Anonymous No.20801794]

>>20801786
>i've *worked* in a factory
Only 10 hour shifts
I'm so lucky
That I don't have to live outside
With all that pesky air

[Anonymous No.20801798]

>>20801794
you HAVE no idea what the people that have to live outside go through, smartass

[Anonymous No.20801810]

>>20801798
You have no idea what you're talking about at all. The entire poem and probably your entire life is a dog whining, "whyyy".

[Anonymous No.20801815]

>>20801810
I've never had to push all of my shit around in a shopping cart, have you?

[Anonymous No.20801833]

>>20801757
Are you old enough to post here?

[Anonymous No.20801840]

>>20801833
i'm 48 years old and have been here since 2013. just to let you know, i can tell you're a female poster

[Anonymous No.20801868]

>>20801231
>Have you ever had ringworm?
Yeah, my dipshit cat kept giving to me by licking my feet for fucking months.

[Anonymous No.20801901]

>>20801815
>all of my shit
What shit? I had nothing and worked in a factory. Have you ever had a 30 hour shift of heavy labor offloading cargo ships? That was better than the factory because it was outside, despite the storms.
The time I lived outside in a tent with gypsies while doing migrant work was like a vacation compared to the factories.
However, I have a good support network so temporary material conditions aren't really an issue. People having no support networks or community is what you should mourn but that problem is way more pronounced among those that live inside. Those are the pitiful ones, people like you signalling about how much you care when you're contributing to the problems you moan about.
>how can there possibly be suffering
>when my God, money exists

[Anonymous No.20801902]

>>20801840
>I can tell you are a female poster
My testosterone is higher than yours. I will rape you.

[Anonymous No.20801917]

>>20801901
tl;dr
>>20801902
immature. even for a woman

[Anonymous No.20801930]

>>20801917
>tl;dr
It's the secret to everything written autobiographically in five lines by the greatest genius of our time.

[Anonymous No.20801933]

>>20801902
I run a regimented calisthenics routine to look like geralt of rivia and train quarterstaff + boxing. It really makes me sad to know that I type like a female. Should I just kill myself?

[Anonymous No.20801935]

My unstructured insults evoked more emotion than your poem. They are objectively better poetry.

[Anonymous No.20801940]

Too verbose, brevity is the soul of wit, this reads like a high school paper and you had to reach a word count. But like a smart high schooler who gets a b in every class and goes to bed at a good time not a retard. Trim it a bit and this could be good. I know what im talking about I passed my AP english with like a 63 listen to my advice I'm the most learned poet of our generation.

[Anonymous No.20801973]

You keep repeating 'why' as if there's no good answer, but your questions just show that you don't understand this issue and only have a childish conception of "itz meen." This is the text equivalent of a kid filming himself giving $100 to a homeless man for tiktok clout.

[Anonymous No.20801978]

>>20801933
>Should I just kill myself?
do you live outside?
>>20801935
i'd say that it's a matter of subjectivity
>>20801940
>Trim it a bit and this could be good.
thanks
>>20801973
buffoon

[Anonymous No.20801981]

>>20801695
>>ad hominem
People have been misusing this term for the last 10 odd years as a pseduointellectual cope whenever they're insulted, but this has to be the most incorrect use I've ever seen.

[Anonymous No.20801997]

>>20801981
looked it up to confirm that i'm right, and that you are wrong. very ironic that you'd use an adhominem to prove that i don't know how to use an adhominem, when in reality, i do know what an adhominem is.

[Anonymous No.20802004]

>>20801997
I just looked up a butt and saw a picture of you.

[Anonymous No.20802011]

>>20802004

[Anonymous No.20802036]

>>20801978
>do you live outside?
I live inside your mom.
>>20802011
>hatred screenshot
You have to be 18 to post here.

[Anonymous No.20802038]

le epic baited /mu/ wins again

[Anonymous No.20802058]

>>20801231
It reads like screamo lyrics
Follow >>20801339 advice. Tell us about someone, don't be so vague or there won’t be able emotional connection, otherwise it's all just ignorant wingeing.

[Anonymous No.20802087]

>>20802036
18? i'm 48, young lady.
>>20802058
>otherwise it's all just ignorant wingeing.
isn't that kind of unique though?

[Anonymous No.20802116]

>>20801721
It's really not that bad. if you add it up I've spent nearly a year of my life homeless and living on the streets, and it's honestly better than most full time jobs.

Why do you have to live inside?

[Anonymous No.20802130]

if i post a paragraph of my writing will you guys bully me and tell me that i'm bad and also silly..?

[Anonymous No.20802142]

Reads like a shitty pop song.
>>20802130
Yes.

[Anonymous No.20802185]

>>20802087
I am a 19 year old dude you old codger.

[Anonymous No.20802207]

>>20802087
nta. what's it like to be 48? does life mellow out with age

[Anonymous No.20802274]

>>20801645
They don't. Now shut up, kid.

[Anonymous No.20802281]

>>20801757
Yeah retreat into your shell of faux irony because your work is embarrassing

[Anonymous No.20802644]

>>20802116
>In the brutal heat or when it’s below freezing
homes have heating
>>20802130
some people like it, and no one's called me silly. post your poetry, see what happens.
>>20802142
angry for no reason
>>20802185
must just be the hormones presenting you in a different manner then, young man.
>>20802207
> what's it like to be 48?
i'm pretty senile, but my body still feels as though it's in its 20s (i take care of it).
> does life mellow out with age
in that you stop caring, yeah. don't think that that's not a good thing though. if you're say 20, you might think back to when you were 16 and realize that the things you worried about didn't matter in the slightest. it's like that x1,000,000
>>20802274
make me, NIGGER
>>20802281
an injury means that i no longer work. nice try, but unlucky, child.

[Anonymous No.20802716]

>>20801978
>i'd say that it's a matter of subjectivity
You're objectively wrong. I'm going to go live outside now just to prove you wrong. My trashcan fires that heat my discarded hotdogs will be fueled by spite.

[Anonymous No.20802743]

>>20802644
>> does life mellow out with age
>in that you stop caring, yeah. don't think that that's not a good thing though. if you're say 20, you might think back to when you were 16 and realize that the things you worried about didn't matter in the slightest. it's like that x1,000,000
that's reassuring. i'm 23 and still feel like a teenager—mood swings, irrational fixations on things like my reputation and what girls think of me, inexplicable lapses in judgement, etc.
most of the older folk i know seem to have settled into a nice, stable tranquility. i'm really envious of that, honestly. i've had enough of the thriller rides; i wanna ride small world now lol

[Anonymous No.20802936]

>>20801678
>I would say it's a good idea to live outside to avoid becoming like you.

[Anonymous No.20804098]

>>20801231
It’s terrible.

[Anonymous No.20804943]

>>20801231
Repetitive and boring, and you get the point in the first four lines. I'm not trying to be mean OP, it's genuinely bad.

Read more poets. The point of poetry is to convey an extremely specific emotion in as few words and lines as possible. You've done the opposite and taken a very thin emotion (sympathy for the homeless) and stretched it out over a dozen stanzas that say nothing more.

Also, its sounds awful to read out loud. It doesn't even have the rhythm to be a shitty slam poetry poem.