critique

[Anonymous No.22560543]

is this at all good or should I just move on to another profession?

Is there underlying literary ability here?

[Anonymousn No.22560600]

>>22560543
It's a vigorous piece, but it doesn't feel as if you intended it to be seriously read by anyone. It feels as if you just wanted to overwhelm the reader, and impress them with a barrage of adjectives and imagery. Good writing, I think, invites people into a scene, lets them follow a train of thought, tries to make itself heard and understood. Even if it leads into an obscure passage for parts, it always keeps the audience in mind.

As for 'underlying literary ability' - there's no such thing. You're inventing a phantasm to feel anxious about. If you like writing, then keeping writing and reading keep paying attention to what things you like and what things don't work. Care about the craft, hone your style, enjoy the drudgery. Don't worry about yourself, and whether you're a Real Writer. Because that way only unproductive misery lies.

[Anonymousn No.22560613]

>>22560543
It's a vigorous piece, but it doesn't feel as if you intended it to be seriously read by anyone. It feels as if you just wanted to overwhelm the reader, and impress them with a barrage of adjectives and imagery. Good writing, I think, invites people into a scene, lets them follow a train of thought, tries to make itself heard and understood. Even if it leads into an obscure passage for parts, it always keeps the audience in mind.

As for 'underlying literary ability' - there's no such thing. You're inventing a phantasm to feel anxious about. If you like writing, then keeping writing and reading, and keep paying attention to what things you like and what things don't work. Care about the craft, hone your style, enjoy the drudgery. Don't worry about yourself, and whether you're a Real Writer. Because that way only unproductive misery lies. And that way lie poems whose main purpose is to convince people that you have underlying literary ability. Which I suspect was the main purpose of the poem above.

[Anonymous No.22560628]

>>22560543
That's a rap lyric.

[Anonymous No.22560632]

>>22560628
Yes

[Anonymous No.22560643]

>>22560543
Actually liked the first stanza, the other two are a mixed bag. Not the worst thing I've read on here by far.

[Anonymous No.22560693]

I unironically enjoy your style
If you give up on writing I will find you and stick rimbaud hardcovers up your asshole

[Anonymous No.22560852]

This is MFA slop, where when you present it to your sycophantic classmates you "put it in context" by saying how you think we ignore the REAL modern day poetry that is rap and hip-hop. So you wrote this poem pay homage to rap and hip-hop's poetical influences that go ignored by academia. They all the toadies start ooohing and aaaaahing saying things like, "Oh my God! I totally agree! We should be studying Tupac, Snoop Dogg, and Eazy-E instead of T.S. Eliot, Walt Whitman, and Yeats."

Now that's out of the way, your poem sucks because of the word aesthetic. It fucks everything up. It fucks up the flow and it fucks up the internal rhyme. You're probably ESL and don't know how to pronounce aesthetic. But let's say you do know how to pronounce aesthetic. I bet you'll come up with some smarmy MFA justification that it was on purpose, that it is supposed to fuck the flow up. Because that reflect my "nightmare" theme! Aesthetics is the thing that goes "bump in the night"! It's what makes the smooth, enticing dream turn into a nightmare!

Go fuck yourself, you 18-year old twat.
>inb4 I'm not 18
You write like one (not a compliment).

[Anonymous No.22560894]

>>22560543
>>22560852
damn, OP, whatever I was going to say is irrelevant after you got murdered like that
I do agree with most of what anon is saying (except the ESL part) and even if none of it is true you have to know that it does come across as if you're tryharding on an MFA assignment
if you want more concrete critique - it's a barrage of disco vaporwave "imagery" which sweeps the reader away as there's nothing to root him to the core of the poem
maybe that was the effect you were hoping for but then the entire poem is reduced to an object which performs this one single act of ejecting the reader out of the field with its tempo (and what you would call "aesthetics") and that makes it flat and uninteresting after the first read just like a glittering christmas bauble is only exciting if you don't look at it too close and realize the little chink slave made it lopsided and overglittered
keep writing but go for depth

[Anonymousn No.22560963]

>>22560852
The OP's poem was very bad but your post is immeasurably worse. The two points of substance you make aren't even correct: the poem is way closer to the Beats (or Rimbaud, as someone said) than to anything rap-inspired, and there's not even a strong rhythm or rhyme scheme for 'aesthetic' to disrupt.

[Anonymous No.22560980]

>>22560543
its modern for sure, and vivid, keep going

[Anonymous No.22561018]

>>22560963
>doesn't understand that assonance with t's in that line that aesthetics breaks
You're hopelessly lost. I bet you thought you were smart because you know a Rimbaud poem in translation.