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/lit/ - Literature

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2284549 No.2284549 [Reply] [Original]

hey /lit/, what do you think of my poem? It was for a project in response to Dulce Et Decorum Est and meant to provide a more glorified view of war. I hope the line breaks don't get screwed up. Also, I tried making my own meter. It has a pattern that I hope isn't too indiscernible


Sir Henry’s troops go marching by,
It's wartime in July.
See the horde ten thousand strong,
Hundred deep and hundred long
What else could muster such a throng
But wartime in July?

Throughout the state resounds the cry
It’s wartime in July.
Bang the drums and sound the horn.
Let those foreign souls be warned.
Long live the month when pride is born
It’s wartime in July.

Across the sandy beach they boom
Towards impending doom.
With screaming rage their muskets crash
And in their trail leave naught but ash.
No wonder why these brave men dash
Towards impending doom

Now 'midst the stench of blood and gore,
Death falls on the shore
Through severed limbs and lonely heads,
Sir Henry’s troops trod ‘mong the dead
And wading through that sea of red,
They quench their thirst for war

any good?

>> No.2284555

I'm not worried about it getting stolen since it's probably crap

>> No.2284556

>>2284549

it's brilliant. except i don't think it paints a positive view of war at all. The tone is positive, yes, but it still talks about morbid things like death and gore.

the rhyme scheme is great, btw.

>> No.2284563

I'm actually impressed, its very good. Got any other work anon?

>> No.2284564

>>2284556
that's exactly what my proff said. I guess I was trying to portray those cultures that really honor gore and bloodshed, ya know? But you don't think that comes across?

>> No.2284572

>>2284563
Haha thanks. And not really as of now...I just started doing poetry for school but am really getting into and wanna do some just for some. But none yet.

>> No.2284577

>>2284564

I think you need to emphasize things like glory, defending your country, securing peace, etc. Death is never a good thing, even for those people that support war. Don't argue that war is good, argue that despite the horrors of war, it is good and necessary and benefits the world.

Talk about saving helpless citizens from lawless criminals, talk about defending liberty and justice, talk about coming home to your family and hugging your dog, talk about the orphan that you rescued in the battlefield whom you later adopted. Talk about how great it feel to serve a greater purpose and succeed.

Just don't talk about death. Death is never a positive thing.

>> No.2284580
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2284580

WHY DO PERSONS IN /lit/ INSIST ON WRITING, TYPING AND POSTING "TEDIOUS POETRY" IN "ARCHAIC FORMATS"?

>> No.2284586

>>2284580 because we're not all avant-garde, different-for-the-sake-of-being-different modernists...
but other than that whadya think?

>> No.2284597

>>2284580

"No verse is libre for those who want to do a good job" - TS Eliot

whether you agree or not, poetry is first and foremost about sound. Rhymes will never go out of style, nor will they ever be archaic.

>> No.2284598

>>2284577
...Mr. Greenhill?

>> No.2284604

>>2284598

if Mr. Greenhill is an 18 y.o. first year Computer Science student at UC Davis, then yes. :D

>> No.2284608

>>2284549
It's much better than A LOT of stuff that gets posted here - good job!

>>2284577
I disagree with this post in that I think you are already doing what he wants. He wants you to write that "despite the horrors of war, it is necessary and can be good." I think you have already accomplished that by making the outlook of the poem positive (necessary), but including parts about death (horrors of war).

Keep working on it though!

>> No.2284611
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2284611

>>2284604
what's a computer science major doing on /lit/?

>> No.2284622

>>2284611

we programmers like to write poems too

who am i kidding, i'm switching majors asap

>> No.2284623

>>2284611
>>2284622

I don't find it odd. I'm double majoring in English/Comp. Sci myself.

>> No.2284625

The syllable counts on the second lines bother the shit out of me. But otherwise it's fine.

>> No.2284640

>>2284611
I'm a computer engineer. I just like reading.

>> No.2284648

i liekd the first stanza quite a lot, i like the rest too, but not nearly as much.

>> No.2285017

wow thanks guys this is really encouraging. I liked it myself but thought it would get ripped to shreds once out in public. I'll definitely be posting more once I get into it

>> No.2285040

>>2284549

It's okay, OP, fine I suppose as some kind of assignment but its... not that great. I don't know, it's just not personal enough. The archaic format alluded just doesn't really work anymore. End rhyme is wooden and boring and abbreviations like 'midst and 'mong as well as "Yoda speak" (throughout the state resounds the cry) are just pretty resounding "No's" in the 21st century. You're not Lord Byron and this is a different time.

Biggest glaring technical thing was that your cadence is disrupted here...


"Across the sandy beach they boom
Towards impending doom."

You're off by a couple syllables. Maybe, "Marching toward impending doom? Dah-DUH, Dah-DUH, Dah-DUH, Dah-DUH.

>> No.2285058

>>2285040
nooooooo that's the point. trust me I can count syllables. The second line is always shorter than the rest so its not always so bouncy and boring and forces the reader to slow down a bit, and in the last two stanzas the meter is trochaic and not iambic, so you'd put stress on the first syllable. TOWARDS imPENDing DOOM. likewise for the second line on the last stanza. If I'd done what you said the whole thing would be too bouncy. Idk if you already knew all that technical stuff but take my word that I'm well aware of the syllable differences, and it has a purpose. I see what you mean about the other stuff though, I guess I was going for a good old fashioned, teutonic-like war theme

>> No.2285087

>>2285040
and anyway the line you suggest wouldn't be duhDUH duhDUH etc. it would be DUHduh DUHduh
I've noticed people don't like it when you mess with meter though, so maybe I shouldn't try to pioneer my own and just stick to the traditional....sigh. Sorry if I'm being too defensive of my work.

>> No.2285095

Don't know man, my eye twitched figuratively when I got to that part. Guess I'd have to hear you read it.

>> No.2285109

haha well...I feel vain already for delving too far into this assignment poem like it's some classic work of art so I won't go any further. If I had the stress markers it'd probably make more sense. Maybe, I wanted you to twitch, as a way to illicit discomfort which would be appropriate for the subject matter. Nah I'm bulshitting, kinda.

>> No.2285127

>>2285109

Ha, that is indeed a valiant bullshitting effort. ;-) I understand your attempt to make a rhyming poem sound less "bouncy" as you say. I do think there is a place for rhyme in modern poetry, and utilizing it in a more understated way is incredibly difficult. This is a poem by Robert Lowell that's one of my favorites...

Man and Wife
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Tamed by Miltown, we lie on Mother's bed;
the rising sun in war paint dyes us red;
in broad daylight her gilded bed-posts shine,
abandoned, almost Dionysian.
At last the trees are green on Marlborough Street,
blossoms on our magnolia ignite
the morning with their murderous five day's white.
All night I've held your hand,
as if you had
a fourth time faced the kingdom of the mad -
its hackneyed speech, its homicidal eye -
and dragged me home alive. . . . Oh my Petite,
clearest of all God's creatures, still all air and nerve:
you were in your twenties, and I,
once hand on glass
and heart in mouth,
outdrank the Rahvs in the heat
of Greenwich Village, fainting at your feet -
too boiled and shy
and poker-faced to make a pass,
while the shrill verve
of your invective scorched the traditional South.

Now twelve years later, you turn your back.
Sleepless, you hold
your pillow to your hollows like a child,
your old-fashioned tirade -
loving, rapid, merciless -
breaks like the Atlantic Ocean on my head.

DISCLAIMER: Do not try this at home, Lowell is master fucking class. Just kidding, you should keep writing.

>> No.2285131

>>2285127

*Whoops, didn't mean to copy all that other bullshit.

>> No.2285155

I really enjoyed it, the rhyming just seemed too...upbeat for what it is.

>> No.2285169

Fine, I'll be the one. Towards isn't a word. Toward.

>> No.2285262

what characteristics does modern poetry have that identify it as such? Is it just avoiding some of the more archaic styles or are there some techniques it actively uses? I really like that Man and Wife poem.
>>2285169
dictionary says its interchangeable but preferred in Britain. I guess I'll just be british for a little while. Cheers