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/lit/ - Literature

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2676408 No.2676408 [Reply] [Original]

poem by me. Need criticism plzplzplzplz

>> No.2676422
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2676422

Alright, let me help you out.

Cut. Cut. Cut.
'Miniscule (sic [spell check, bro]) beams of warm light melts away all doubts.' Can be cut to 'Minuscule light melts doubts.' without you actually losing that much. I know, there is a tendency in poets to want to fill in, but don't. You don't like fat girls, you don't like fat poems. Be concise.

Second, you end with a return (see 'I return to my...'). Don't do that. You want a poem about moving, make us move. Don't pull us back at the end. Also, if you want the self to be off-kilter, have that come across in the poem instead of stating it. Same goes for homicidal thoughts. Show us. Should be a good start for you, anon.