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2711594 No.2711594 [Reply] [Original]

how do i improve dialogue?


Dear Bryson & Bryson Cereal Manufacturers,
Greetings. You may consider me, Julian Panniker the Third, to be your most loyal customer. I literally have grown up on your products, specifically Coco Chews Marshmallow Bits. While I can say that it sure has been a blast, and that I wouldn’t trade my 15 years of eating your cereal for the world, I would like to inform you that breaking my morning fast with nothing but your product has led to a noticeable decline in my overall health. If you haven’t noticed, I am dictating this letter. I am blind. This condition, my doctors tell me, is a direct result from the consumption of your cereal. Do not ask me for proof of this; I can only tell you that my doctor, who went to a prestigious medical school in Iowa, is quite sure your cereal is to blame. I am not asking for any kind of compensation, only your sympathy. Your condolences would be highly appreciated, and checks may be written to Julian Panniker III.
Sincerely,
JP3
“You actually sent that?” asked David.
“Yeah, man!” said Julian, “They’re gonna have to send me something if they think that I’m blind. They don’t want a lawsuit!”
“Dude I’m pretty sure they could sue you for lying to them and basically blackmailing them.”
“Well either way, the letter’s pretty good, right?”
“Good at what?”
Julian sighed, like a teacher having to explain multiplication to that one student who wasn’t all there. “Like do I sound all convincing and professional?”
“Like, not really man. I don’t think you should have told them you’re fifteen.”
“Well they’re not going to believe a fourteen year old.”

>> No.2711602

>eating cereal for 15 years
>claiming to be 15

So he claims he was eating the cereal since birth? What? Kids usually don't eat cereal till ages 2-3 last I remember.

>> No.2711604

>>2711602
good catch.

>> No.2711621

You're right. The dialogue is shit. The other part is fine.

>dude
>man
>!
>think that I'm - that-
>starting sentences with like

Get rid of all these things and see what the result is.

Also nitpick:
>I don’t think you should have told them you’re fifteen.
Males don't say what they think. It should be
>It probably wasn't the best idea to say you were fifteen.

>> No.2711630

>>2711621
okay, but do you think i can still get across the whole 14 year old feel without dude and man?

>> No.2711641

Going to a medical school is not the same as graduating from it.

>> No.2711645

>>2711630
I think the premise is already a little childish, so if the dialogue outright tells us how old they are, it's not going to surprise anyone.

>> No.2711646

>>2711630
>Julian Panniker writes amusing, coherent, satirical-in-the-way-of-young-teens letter
>talks like a fucking retard

>> No.2711657

>Julian sighed, like a teacher having to explain multiplication to that one student who wasn’t all there.

The reader sighed, like a person encountering a stupid aside in an otherwise decent little excerpt of fiction.

>> No.2711660

“Do I sound all convincing and professional?”
“Uh, no. You told them that you're fifteen.”
“Well they’re not going to believe a fourteen year old.”

>> No.2711795

>>2711645
>>2711657
>>2711646
thanks for the input. anything else?

>> No.2712694

bump