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/lit/ - Literature

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File: 1.79 MB, 2000x1329, MV5BMTQ3MDMwMjcxNF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTcwNzg4MDIyMw@@.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
3120796 No.3120796 [Reply] [Original]

What do you think of this short story that I wrote?

http://www.mediafire.com/view/?is23ac6dohdchy4

>> No.3120862

bump

>> No.3120890

Is this serious?

>> No.3120898

If it's short just post it.

>> No.3120903

I didn't like it very much but that may have been because your narrator is annoying.

>> No.3120923

>>3120903
Y-yeah y-you're right h-he's annoying!

>>3120898
You can just read it on mediafire, what's the difference?

>> No.3120940

Opening sentence is weak. Really, really weak.

The rest is so so.

What you need to do is take all over it and delete it, and then write it again. Get rid of all the 'sarcasm' and 'wit', it just makes the story tacky.

You should also consider having a stronger conflict in the story, because at the moment it just reads as if the narrator is whining at me because he is 'alt' and 'different' and no-one 'understands him and his movies'.

>> No.3120955

>>3120923
is it you?

>> No.3120959

>Get rid of all the 'sarcasm' and 'wit', it just makes the story tacky.
If I do so, won't the protagonist lose in annoyingness?

>> No.3120974

Greenberg is literally one of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Clearly, you're the Tao Lin of the iphone v5 generation OP

>> No.3120982

>>3120959
That's the point kid.

>> No.3121063 [DELETED] 

bump

>> No.3121692

bump

>> No.3121739

>>3120959
There is a problem with this, OP. This "personality" you are creating for your "narrator" (by which I mean "you") reads so naturally similar to the "witty" creative non-fiction stories created by teenage girls and myself when I was 14, that no one would read it as anything other than such.

The method you're using to show your character's personality isn't very original. It doesn't really take much effort. Sarcasm can be made about anything. If you sincerely wish to portray your narrator as a snarky little bitch, there are better ways to do it.

>> No.3121755

It's boring as fuck. I don't care if you think that's somehow 'ironic' or 'meta'.

>> No.3121809
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3121809

I OVERLY LIKE YOUR SHORT STORY, "ORIGINAL POSTER".

IT IS IRONIC, BUT SINCERE, AND OVERALL, I LIKE THE "STYLE".

IT REMINDS ME OF OSAMU DAZAI'S "STYLE", OR LATER JEROME DAVID SALINGER, IN THE STORIES WITH "BUDDY GLASS" AS "NARRATOR".

I DISLIKE THE "MOVIE" "GREENBERG" THOUGH; IT IS DISINGENUOUS, ACCORDING TO ME.

>> No.3121811

Is this fucking for real?

>> No.3121817

>>3121809
Thanks.

>> No.3121824

>>3121809
In my opinion, "IRONIC, BUT SINCERE" is a very good way to describe the movie Greenberg too.

I saw this movie as an ironic but sincere representation of Noah Baumbach's own fantasies, anxieties and insecurities. Synecdoche New York is a similar movie (and a favourite of mine too).

>> No.3121847

>>3121739
this this this this this this this

>> No.3121848

>>3121824
In my opinion, "IRONIC, BUT SINCERE" is a very good way to describe the author Tao Lin.

>> No.3121853

Also, this is what 'wit' and 'sarcasm' do to a story.
It begins:

"I woke up at about ten in the morning. No work today, no
school ever again, and I’m a relatively rich, relatively successful and relatively
(when compared to a farm animal) good looking man. So life is pretty sweet. It’s
the usual kind of morning in my happy-go-lucky life. I rolled out of bed and
straight on to my computer chair. No joke, it’s the minimal amount of effort.
As the computer boots up I’m pushing chip packets and beer bottles out of my way.
The light of the monitor burns pretty bad when your eyes have barely adjusted
to being open after twelve hours of sleep, but hey, it’s preferable to opening
the curtains. That sunlight stuff will give you cancer."

Later:

"Bubble bath. With the music cranked up in my room so I can
sing along all the way in the bathroom. Hope the neighbours enjoy my five hundredth
replay of Mr Brightside. Anyways, the rest of the day pretty much goes down the
same way. Junk food, violent video games, and a half-hearted jab at lifting
those weights I got at Christmas. I swear, they may say they’re 20kgs but that
dust must add like, double that. And then it’s time to sit down with one big
ass pepperoni pizza and trawl through some mindless TV. Ergh, it’s time for the
news on like every channel. Except channel nine, A Current Affair’s on. And it’d
be an insult to the foundation of human intelligence to be calling that news."

(I found this gem on the Facebook page of a local university's 'writer's club')

>> No.3121855

>>3121848
And?

>>3121853
And?

>> No.3121893

>>3121855
And OP can't write 4 shit.

>> No.3121896

Jesus OP, this makes Ron McBalls a God among men.

>> No.3121939

>>3120796

the narration is horrifying. give the characters names. let there be dialogue. shorten your sentences. stop putting every single fact in an own sentence. watch your word/phrase repititions (whatever, in english language no one seems to care at all about that). STOP LISTING SENTENCES ONE AFTER THE OTHER LIKE A FUCKING SHOPPING LIST.

something like
>I invited her over to my house to watch my new short film. She said that she’d already watched my short film the week before. I said that it was a newer short film (which was true).
is absolutely unforgivable. Reading this is like playing crysis in 3fps.

>> No.3121984

I have a question.

Is it easy to tell that I'm not a native speaker of English?

>> No.3121988

>>3121984
>http://www.mediafire.com/view/?is23ac6dohdchy4

>A couple of weeks ago some of my friends came over to my house to watch the new short film by me. The friends included three of my male friends, a girl that I’m interested in, and a girl that I barely know and whom I invited simply because inviting only one girl would’ve been awkward and suspicious for the said girl.

answer: yes

>> No.3121994

>>3121939
have you ever read the shipping news?

>> No.3122499

Bump

>> No.3122506

You put one whole goddamn sentence in parentheses. Whats up with that?

>> No.3122515

I feel like your story would work better if it was in the third person, like the narrator telling a story about a reclusive edgyfaggot.

All in all, the narration is awfully redundant and wordy. Also, some of the vocabulary is outdated or just plain weird.
>the girl im interested in
>mobile phone
>userpic

PS: Vary your sentence structure more; right now your story is a pile of compound/simple newfaggotry.

>> No.3122647

>>3120796
Hey, OP, you're not Shakespeare so stop telling the reader every single goddamn detail of what this guy is thinking.

>> No.3122652

>>3122515
>>the girl im interested in
>Outdated
What?

>> No.3123005 [DELETED] 

bump

>> No.3123358 [DELETED] 

bump2

>> No.3124495

bump

>> No.3124802

bump2

>> No.3124834

OP It's shit but I like it.

>> No.3124835

>>3124834
I would probably read 200 pages or more of this type of stuff if given the chance.

>> No.3125002

Bump

>> No.3125007

>>3124835
Have you tried Tao Lin? I'm not trolling

>> No.3126226

>>3125007
I have and enjoyed it. Thank you though.

>> No.3126284

Your laptop screen doesn't turn off if you leave it alone? Also Greenberg was alright but The Squid and The Whale was so much better.

>> No.3126544

I really liked it. Great narration. Also, I relate to the main character a lot.

>> No.3126559

What is all this really nit-picky criticism? OP's story is cool. It's idiosyncratic, but that's no reason to enumerate every word and grammatical choice that you just don't like for some reason.

>> No.3126840

>>3126544
>>3126559
>>3124835
Thank you.

>>3126284
It's set not to turn off. I turn it off manually if I have to.

>> No.3128363

bump