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/lit/ - Literature

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3726306

Anonymous Sun May 5 15:52:23 2013 No.3726306 [Reply] [Original]

A storm rumbled on the horizon, hanging over the setting sun incredulously, as if it was unsure when was the perfect time to release its thunderous contents. The evening cast shadows into an overgrown lot. Although the concrete structure had been abandoned over a decade ago, the field around advanced slowly; incredulous weeds crept up between cracks in the concrete, cautious in reclaiming their land. Breaking through the thicket was a teenage boy, incredulous in dress and mannerism: although he sought individuality and flirted with rebellion, it was clear part of him still longed for the simplicity of childhood.
“Stop following me!” he yelled, stepping into the clearing.
The boy barely heard the shouts of his father from beyond the thicket, his yelling carried incredulously on airwaves unsure whether they should bring the scolding to the boy. But the airwaves carried out their responsibility to physics incredulously and without joy.

Should I continue? I mean, I'm not sure if you guys want to keep reading it, but maybe its good.

>>

Anonymous Sun May 5 15:56:23 2013 No.3726319

>>3726306
>Should I continue?

no. rumble is the incorrect verb, idiotic use of the pathetic fallacy, there are no thunders IN storms. the evening can't cast shadows, stop saying incredulous, three times in two lines? jesus fuck. how is it clear "part of him still longed..."? it's not clear at all, he's just fucking walking. INCREDULOUS AGAIN?! UNSURE TOO?

fuck off you can't write for shit

>>

Anonymous Sun May 5 16:04:23 2013 No.3726341
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>>3726319

Well see that's what I mean because some people say its good but I want feedback from more people before I can be sure. And what's wrong with incredulous its my favorite adverb? It has a sort of unsure honesty about it that I think will prevail as a theme.

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:06:23 2013 No.3726351 >>3726341 Not the guy you're responding to, but you sound like you're too dumb to live, let alone write. Just end it, bro.

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:08:23 2013 No.3726353 >>3726351 Are you sure though?

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:11:23 2013 No.3726364 >>3726341 There's nothing wrong with the word "incredulous" (which is an adjective, not an adverb; "incredulously" is the adverb form); what is wrong is that you use it incorrectly and you use it too frequently.

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:13:23 2013 No.3726374 >>3726341 Incredulous is not an adverb. Either way, if your favorite word was "banana" it still wouldn't be okay to insert it every sentence.

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:15:23 2013 No.3726378 >>3726353 Yes.

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:17:23 2013 No.3726381 >>3726378 I'm sort of gathering from these responses that I should omit "incredulous" from my suicide note?

>>

Anonymous Sun May 5 16:43:23 2013 No.3726432

>>3726306
"I stared incredulously at the computer screen. Was it possible that the person who wrote this was serious? It strained the bounds of credibility.. The lurking thunder of my critical ire began to swell my incredulosity until it's own limits were reached, and torrents of incredulous phrases jerked and stuttered out of my keyboard and into the transient realm of the /lit/ board. "

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:46:23 2013 No.3726441 >>3726432 Haha.

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 16:53:23 2013 No.3726463 File: 22 KB, 460x276, David-Nicholson-Chief-Exe-008.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>3726432 see this guy might actually understand the benefits of incredulity but dont be too hasty im not sure

>>	Charles Crumb !hxGgtPv0f. Sun May 5 16:59:23 2013 No.3726483 /lit/ is a bit too harsh but seriously, drop the incredulous. >>3726432 lol

>>	Anonymous Sun May 5 19:58:23 2013 No.3727034 Wow, OP, this is damn incredulous, keep posting!

>>	Anonymous Mon May 6 13:05:23 2013 No.3729334 File: 574 KB, 295x221, Jerry-Seinfeld-No-Thanks-and-Leave.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>3726306 >incredulously

>>	Anonymous Mon May 6 13:13:23 2013 No.3729363 >>3726319 I agree that it's an awful beginning, but have you seriously never heard storm clouds rumble? I think it's a fine way to describe the sound of distant thunder.

>>	Anonymous Mon May 6 14:06:23 2013 No.3729516 >>3726319 He didn't say there are thunders IN storms, he said the contents were thunderous. And the evening can cast shadows. You're only right about his over-use of incredulous.