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[Qualters&Zippo No.3948144]

Green Means It's The End Year, OK?


Screaming. “Alright” he whispered to himself “Just a few slashes, badda bing, badda boom.” He was hunched over a screaming nine year old. “It’s ok, it’s ok, stop crying. Do you want some more rum? It’ll all be better soon. It’ll all be ok again, I promise.” The screaming wouldn’t stop, no matter what shade of bullshit he gave the kid. He took the cheese knife off the barbeque grill where he’d left it to heat up until it was glowing red. The nine year old Danny was writhing and screaming on the floor, his hands bound above his head with insulating tape and the History Teacher was hunched over him, wondering where he should cut first. Somewhere on his stomach… Jesus, he knew this was a bad idea. Danny’s tightly scrunched eyes snapped open during a particularly loud shriek, his dazzling blue orbs rolling in their sockets in a pain delirium and settling on the tip of the knife. They widened in fear and his breath caught in his throat for one blissful, silent moment. The History teacher shifted his sweaty, quivering attention from the kid’s striking eyes and moved it back onto the rest of him. The parts that needed fixing. Danny’s lost-property-box-assembled sports kit had become caked in dirt and subway-station grime and one of his shoes had come off. He started screaming again and tried to pull out of the grip of the insulating tape without result. The History teacher sighed and raised his fist. He scrunched up his own eyes as he cut off the sound of screaming and replaced it with a dull whump-crunch and a pitiful little yelp. The teacher forced his eyes back open and raised the knife again. He unbuttoned Danny’s shirt and gave him a once-over. Apart from the obvious bruises and scrapes that one expected for someone in his kind of situation, the kid looked fine. The History teacher knew this wasn’t true, though. The sickness was inside, enflamed and pulsing, and he had to get it out. Cut it out before it became his undoing.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948150]

He hovered the glowing knife over Danny’s midriff. Danny Patterson. Danny had always had trouble concentrating, except when the topic of the week was Romans. Danny had always been very interested in the Roman Empire and once he’d even raised his hand to ask a question (Something like “Real lions?”) instead of staring out the window or doodling as usual. “Jesus.” The teacher breathed and made as if to make the first incision where he thought an appendix might be, if luck was on his (And Danny's) side. “First Incision,” he half laughed, half cried That about covers my surgical expertise. I’m sorry, Danny. He steeled himself and put the knife against Danny’s skin. There was a sizzling sound and the History teacher lost his nerve. “Jesus!” he shouted at the ceiling, bleary-eyed and scared. “This is a job for trained professionals!” but there were no trained professionals. No doctors, no paramedics. He’d had emergency medical training himself (A pre-requisite of becoming a teacher) but that only covered CPR and putting plasters on booboos, not major surgery. Just to add to this sweet little deal he had going on: He was scared of blood. He hovered the knife again, took it away, hovered the knife, beat at his own eyes and shouted at the roof, hovered it again. He fixed his face and his resolve. If the kid was going to die anyway the History Teacher may as well try and help. He held his breath and pushed the knife against Danny's stomach on the right side. Danny woke up again with a new set of lungs in him. He screamed louder than ever, one brilliant blue eye half-closed and puffy, the other wide and pleading. His shout rang around the tunnel and provoked worried whispers from the shadows. There was a low rumbling sound from somewhere inside Danny, his scrawny back arched, the History Teacher quickly withdrawing the knife, and with one final yelp, he settled. His eyes remained three-quarters open, but the spark from behind them was gone.
“No.” The History teacher let the knife clatter to the floor tiles. “No, no.” He grabbed the boy’s brittle, anaemic wrist and felt for a pulse. “No!” Pressed his ear to the boy’s chest. “NO! NO, YOU LITTLE CUNT, NO!”

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948153]

Rosie, six years old, emerged from the shadows, dishevelled and shivering in a scuffed, grotty, expensive PE kit and a huge, even more battered brown leather bomber jacket wrapped around her like a shawl. “Is he dead?” she asked. The History teacher stayed where he was, head hung, arms dangling limp and forgotten on the tiles. “He is, isn’t he?” Her sweet, chirping voice was as informed as any elderly widow he’d ever met.
“Yes.”
“Did you take out his ‘pendice like you said?” Maybe not so informed.
“No.”
“Why not?” She was obviously hurt. “You promised you’d save him!” Betrayed. Close to tears.
“I didn’t promise.” His own voice came from a distance. “I said I’d try.”
“You only cut him open a little bit! You didn’t even try!”
“I did. I tried. There wasn’t time. I was about to…”
“You wouldn’t cut him open properly cuz you’re scared of bleeding!” she was beginning to tear up.
“No.” Wasn’t there anything else he could say? Anything comforting? Anything reassuring? He saw nothing.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948155]

Red Means it's Fucking 2011


"The writer even admitted it." He looked like a young Tim Roth, I’d say. Think Reservoir Dogs, suit and everything. Apart from his arguably ill-conceived decision to wear a pair of black and white Converse with it a-la Dr Who.
"Why do you gotta say 'admitted' like it's a bad thing?" Ah, I remember this cunt. He didn’t look much like Tim Roth. I’d say he didn’t much look like anyone.
"Well he's fiddling up speccy first years an-" Mr I-Look-Like-Tim-Roth’s curtain hair don’t bobbed up and down comically when he was being enthusiastic. Acting enthusiastic. I wouldn’t say he was the sort of person to actually be enthusiastic. I’m sure he’d agree. But not too strongly.
"Rowling said he was gay, not a paedo."
"Yeah but he wrote in a load of tension between the two. I mean, have you seen the thing on the internet where they replace the word 'wand' with 'penis'?" Tim Roth was never ginger. At least not to my knowledge. This bloke was.
"No I haven't. But that's the internet. They replace everything with penis. And it's 'she'. J.K. Rowling's a woman. everyone knows that, you dildo."
"No!" He was genuinely surprised. You believe that shit?
"Yes. You been living under a fuckin' boulder?" He didn’t really look like Johnny Rotten, either.
"I don't believe you."
"Why?" Or Marylin Manson.
"I dunno I jus-"
"Is it that hard to believe?"
"I dunno, I just di-"
"Especially as it's common fuc-king knowledge."
"You know, your language is filthy."
"So's your shirt. What is that? Mustard?" He tried to do that trick that everyone becomes immune to after the first time - Where you pretend there’s something on their shirt and flick their nose when they look down - but this was not the first time for Mr Oh-Look-at-Me-I-get-to-Look-Like-Tim-Roth and he only got a ‘I-may-look-like-Tim-Roth-but-do-I-look-stupid?’ look for his troubles.
"Don't turn this on me. You know I was starting to think you were a teacher or something before but you definitely swear too much to work with kids."
"Don't try to guess." He looked even less like Damien Marley than Marylin Manson.
"Oh come on. Like you haven't been trying to guess?"
"I.T technician."
"Woah. Ok I'm gonna have to change my guess to spy or something."

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948159]

"Really? I.T. technician?" The man who didn't look like Fatima Whitbread wouldn’t have admitted it but I noticed: He was glad that old Rothface had changed his facial expression, however momentarily, from bored and slightly miffed to that face blokes pull when they hear that they’ve been undercharged for something or they see a nice arse. You know, when they turn down the corners of their mouths, raise their eyebrows and nod?
"Yeah."
"Swish." He didn't really look anything like Chaka Kahn, either.
"You seriously just guessed that? Right off the top of your head?”
"Well you talk about the internet a lot but..." He trailed off, the novelty of his accidental sleuthery worn off already.
"Mate, you should’a pretended like you knew. Did some Sherlock Holmes, Ace Ventura shit. I'd have been fooled."
"Yeah, but then I'd have to keep it up."
"I suppose...” There’s nothing more pathetic than two blokes sat at a bar that can’t think of a single thing to say to each other. Did I mention they were in a pub? They were in a pub. Whetherspoons, why the fuck not? “BRB. I gotta drain the mains." He stood up off his stool and made his way to the gent's with admirable surefootedness for a man on his sixth pint. The man who didn’t look like Prince pretended he was turning in his seat to watch the football but really he was lifting one side of his arse up so he could fart. Silent but violent. Anyway, I'm sure- what with all this discussion of their respective professions 'before'- that you're wondering what these men were up to. Apart from discussing whether or not a fictional character is a paedophile, that is. Well, I'm just gonna get it out there and tell you now. They were really dreaming. I made that up, that wasn't true. I'm sorry.
The man who had the same bright blue, deep set eyes, high cheekbones, stony forehead and fuck-off shnozz as Tim Roth or whoever the fuck I said came back and sat down.
"That was quick”
“You know when you're completely bostin' but when you get there it's only like a little trickle?"
"Shut up. It's here."

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948163]

Dumbledore’s Inclination.

He started in his seat but didn’t turn around. “Really? At the door or did it come in while I was pissing?”
The man who didn’t look like Hannah Montana confirmed that the case was the former whilst eyeing up a tall black man behind him in the reflection of his pint glass. He was a very tall black man indeed. Easily 6ft 8” He made his stilt-legged way towards the bar and whopped a fiver on the wood. The barman who up until now I’ve been ignoring nodded at him, jutting chin first, apparently glad to have another customer besides the group of teenagers posted in the back corner rolling a joint, and what he assumed to be a gay couple sat at the other end of the bar under the red neon Coors sign. The tall man said “Pint of fackin’ effanol,” and clunked down on the nearest stool. “Unless you got anyfin’ strongah.”
“I think I got some absinthe in back?”
“Sur-fackin’-prise me”
The barman walked to the back room mumbling something I could have sworn was racist.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948168]

>>3948075
Here. :)

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948179]

The two men watched from their peripherals. “Right, shall we have a little run-through?” muttered Mr Roth Face.
“I don’t see why not but keep it the fuck down. We don’t know how well they can hear yet. There’s a lot we still don’t know about them. What’s first?”
“You look to see if they’re really tall.”
“Good. Next?”
“They drink like humans and are powered partly by alcohol but once they get to two pints they gotta go and piss immediately. So a pub’s a good place to look. Also, if you manage to get their shoes off, none of them have toes. Or they do have toes but it’s like they’ve been melted together.”
“Good. So what do we do?”
“Wait ‘till he’s had two pints, see if he goes to the bog straight away?”
“Then?”
“Follow him and smash the fuck out of him.” This was the part Rothface knew for definite.
“Indeed.”
“Now I don’t want to be a worry wart but how are we going to go about smashin’ that up? It’s gotta be a fucking hundred foot tall.”
“Here.” The man who had a notable dissemblance to Chad Kroeger produced a vicious looking knife from the inside of his overcoat and passed it to Rothface under the bar. “Go for the eyebrows. After that it’ll be a lot easier. We’re not really supposed to, just in case, but I’ve been in this a long time and I know one when I see one.”
“Fair enough. But why the eyebrows?”
“It’s how they see. Sort of like antennae. The eyes are just for show.”
“Cool. Has anyone ever made the Terminator comparison? Cuz those things are like Terminators.”
“Don’t be stupid,” his response was immediate and heated, “These robots don’t have toes. That’s loads different to Terminators. Why would you even say that?”
“Alright, alright.”

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948186]

When the Tall Man’s drink arrived (not ethanol or absinthe, I don’t know what, use your damn imagination.) he near enough dived straight into it, the greedy bastard. He took half of it at a draught, his apparently cosmetic eyes bulging, and turned to the football.
“Watch this. When someone scores he won’t react. Their eyebrows interpret the telly just as a flat surface and the volume isn’t on.” whispered the bloke who, for his looks, could have been Gene Kelly’s stepbrother. Roth Face watched and waited for a goal in the time it took for the tall man to finish his drink and get through half of his next one. Unfortunately, though, it was a Harriers game so that one goal could have happened any time between kick-off and next season. While they waited they pretended to play a game they made up on the spot involving peanuts and a coaster. Roth Face was losing heavily when the tall man finished his drink and promptly stood up and walked to the gent’s. “Alright. You go in, jab it in the eyebrows and go to town; let some steam off, you know? Then, after you’ve proved you can do that much, come and sit back down and I’ll go in there and do the rest. Ok?” asked the man who looked like anyone but Robert Pattinson.
“O’ll be bock.” Roth Face put on his best Austrian accent, downed the rest of his pirno and black (what a fucking girl) and stalked off after their target.
When Roth Face got into the gent’s he was struck by a foul smell. A different one to usual. It was a sharp, sweet smell. Like rotten apples. He supposed that when these things emptied their tanks they didn’t empty them of the same by-products as humans. It was apparent that the tall man was using one of the cubicles instead of a urinal so he pulled out the vicious knife, stood on the outside of the only locked cubicle and got into a ready stance. “Weird robot thing. Come out of the cubicle. I’m not going to hurt you.” He was lying, of course. The pissing sounds stopped immediately and for a moment there was no sound and then: “What are you on about, mate? I’m try’ner ‘ave a shit ‘ere.” The pissing sounds started again.
“Save it. Get out of the cubicle and I won’t hurt you. You wanna be blinded? Come out.”
The pissing sounds cut off again. “Mate, you’ve ‘ad a bit too much of somefink not quite kosher, I fink. Fack orff.” The accent and the voice were probably stolen from an old film. Lock stock? That didn’t half sound like Hatchet Harry’s wingman…

[Anonymous No.3948187]

Why in the name of DFW are you posting this in two separate threads? Just paste it all in pastebin.com and be done with.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948199]

Because I'm not very experienced with this. Christ, people have even shorter tempers on here than I thought and I've been lurking fucking 7-odd years.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948201]

And other people on here are posting THEIR shit and getting some straight-forward answers, dammit lol.

[Anonymous No.3948203]

I'm reading it. Give me a moment.

[Anonymous No.3948221]

>>3948199
I'm not pissed, I'm trying to save you the effort. If someone wants just a paragraph or two looked over it's fine to just paste into 4chan's textbox. But for longer pieces, like your own, pastebin is highly recommended.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948267]

http://pastebin.com/3EKBTJ8F

Amidoinitrite?

I have 88 pages in total but I'm only willing to post these ones for free on the internet sort of thing. Also: I end this preview abruptly and you might find it dissatisfying. Fair warning, yes?

[Anonymous No.3948303]

>>3948267
Better man. Will bookmark and read within the next few hours.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948318]

>>3948303
Ok, but I've set the expiry thing to one day.

Captcha: 'xclustc meam'. I think we all agree.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3948759]

Self-bump.

Rather interested in what people think of it, people.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949060]

Ok.

Hint taken, anons.

:'(

BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

[Anonymous No.3949068]

>>3949060
>Hint taken, anons.
>:'(
>BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
god what a faggot. find your validation somewhere else

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949073]

But you're all my year 9 English teacher and I fancy you so much :(
I was being sarcastic, you dick. I already know I'm a good writer. I want to know if this particular project is worth finishing.

[Anonymous No.3949076]

>>3949060
>>3949060
You seem nice! I wish you well! I do not know how to read thus I cannot critique but I wish you the best in your travels!

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949080]

And it's amazing how quick people are to answer when they don't have to put in the effort to actually READ something on /lit/ or when they get a chance to vent some of their impotent rage at the world, isn't it?

[Anonymous No.3949098]

>>3949080
This. No one ever wants to do any READING anymore. Especially if it's not a published book.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949116]

>>3949076
Thnax moyte.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949128]

>>3949098
Are YOU reading my preview, then? Lmao.
Don't worry if you can't be arsed; I'm gonna go clubbing with my mates if there's no interest soon.

Yes, I'd rather do this than get smashed with fit birds.

Sue me.

[Anonymous No.3949140]

OK, just gave it a read. It's shit. Your punctuation needs a lot of work when it comes to the dialogue. Your pop-culture references are overbearing and out of place. The unnecessary capitalization is strange. I'm referring to the History Teacher and the Tall Man. Not to mention you aren't consistent with that capitalization. And the parts about slicing kids open are heavy-handed. It's schlock that reads like it was written by an edgy 15-year-old

[Anonymous No.3949144]

>>3949128
I dunno man...I think you're over-englishing.

I skimmed it and was beginning to be amused by the lookalike stuff but I did not click the link because I am a troglodyte and have no idea what kind of website that is. Plus I'm at work. But so far so good.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949225]

>>3949140
Finally some fucking criticism, even though it's not constructive.

They're not pop-culture references. They're the names of people the man doesn't look like. This is a major part of this first bit that I've been debating changing for ages, thank you.
And you're judging it based on grammar.
Yeah, I always got a bit confused when it came to dialogue grammar.
What do you mean by heavy-handed? Sometimes words are feathers that move men to squirming and sometimes they're sledgehammers, ennit?

Now, I was nice and polite in response to your mean-spirited 'critique' so try and take this into account if you feel like replying.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949236]

And I should probably point out that certain parts are supposed to be in italics to denote that they're thoughts from the character's head. This hasn't translated onto 4chan so it probably stutters some of the narrative.

[Anonymous No.3949273]

it would be so easy to make this much better

Alright. Just a few slashes, bada bing, bada boom. Hunched over a screaming nine year old. It’s okay, it’s okay, stop crying. Want some more rum? It’ll all be better soon. It’ll all be okay again, I promise, I promise, I promise.
Screaming won't stop. No matter what shade of bullshit I give this kid, the screaming won't stop. Grab the cheese knife off the grill where I’d left it to heat up. Glowing red. Kid's writhing and screaming on the floor, hands bound above his head with insulating tape. I'm hunched over him. Where should I cut first, Reader? Somewhere on his stomach?
Jesus, bad idea. The kid's shrieking bloody murder, eyes all over the shop. Scared as a motherfucker. Cut cut cut.
Look at him. Kid looks like an orphan, all shite clothes. Got quite the mouth on him, too. Won't stop screaming and biting at the tape. Sigh. Punch the little fucker in the mouth. Not yelping now, all quiet like. Open your eyes, you little shit. You're not hurt. Not yet, anyhow.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949371]

>>3949273
Considering it was so easy to 'make better', it should be pretty easy to read all the way through and take into account the fact that the History Teacher isn't a murderous paedophile but actually trying to help the kid. Apart from making him more vicious, the only change you implemented was changing the perspective from third to first person.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949378]

And the tense from past to present. Oh the suspense.

[Anonymous No.3949450]

>>3949225
I mean heavy-handed as in you're sitting in front of the computer writing saying "yeah, that'll shock them! Then when they find out he's trying to help the kid, man everyone's gonna be so impressed!"

[Qualters&Zippo No.3949456]

>>3949450
No, I'm not doing anything for shock value or to impress you petty, angry little people. Cya later.

[Anonymous No.3949459]

>>3949456
That's as may be, but that's how it reads. Like a more visceral Holden Caufield you deluded faggot

[Anonymous No.3949619]

>>3949371
>the fact that the History Teacher isn't a murderous paedophile but actually trying to help the kid
sry that I didn't take that into account, maestro

[Anonymous No.3949640]

you aren't actually going to try to get this published or anything, right? You're okay as a writer, but this is some first-draft shit

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950011]

Yes, it's a fucking first draft. I'd ask if anyone actually has some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism but I know the answer is "No. I hate you. I want to kill you."
And to the dude that sarcastically called me 'maestro': I wasn't slamming your version, it just just didn't fit with his character and the story and stuff. I was slamming your arrogant introduction, though.

People have posted worse and got better comments. I will take into account what you all said but you should know that 9/10 of you critique like you were beaten as a child. I came on her like "Safe, mateys, what do you think?"
And I got "Fuck you, mate. FUCK YOU! Ok, I'll read it, but only as long as you remember I hate you... Yeah, it's shit. Shove it up your arse, set it on fire and die from the flames."
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
I've seen some TERRIBLE writing on here and my shit isn't terrible. It definitely needs work but it's not terrible. And yes. I'm going to try and publish it when it's done. Do you even know what the state of literature's like in England nowadays? I could staple together a load of used bog-roll and get it published. It's all serial vampire dramas and "No, Daddy no!"
Christ, do you get off on hurting people's feelings or something? You should all feel terrible.

[Anonymous No.3950124]

>>3950011
>I've seen some TERRIBLE writing on here and my shit isn't terrible. It definitely needs work but it's not terrible
i don't know anon, it's pretty terrible. you limeys do use words differently though, so maybe terrible means something else to you backwards tribals. learn some real english already
>bog-roll
>mate
>arse

[Anonymous No.3950129]

>>3950011
>Christ, do you get off on hurting people's feelings or something?
all of 4chan does. now please, continue

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950238]

>>3950129
Continue pasting my book or continue raging because it amuses you?
Other dude's a troll.
Definitely a troll.
Definitely k-mart.

[Anonymous No.3950262]

>>3950011
lol so defensive

[Anonymous No.3950267]

>>3950011
I was reading it last night and got about halfway before being distracted, but I'll try and offer some constructive criticism from what I can remember.

There were some instances of using too many adjectives. I remember one sentence seeming to have one before literally every noun.

This stuff,
>"they guy-who-didnt-look-like-michael jackson..."
I found a little strange. It confused me at first, and then as it persisted just annoyed me. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to accomplish by doing this, except showing everyone how many celebrities you can name. Maybe that's harsh, idk, perhaps you have your reasons.

Overall I thought the pacing was pretty good, though there were a few rusty sentences in there that ruined the flow. You managed to build up some decent comedic tension at times.

I'm not quite sure what the whole
>Purple means its 2017. Suck my cock m8.
is all about. It's a little weird, but it does fit into your style.

Anyway, this probably isn't very useful because I didn't read the whole thing and it's quarter to eight in the fucking morning and I can't be arsed to go back and pull out genuine quotes and shit but at least I tried, right?

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950268]

>>3950262
It's because of my tiny dick, mate.

[Anonymous No.3950279]

Why did you make the history teacher seem like a serial killer in the beginning? Were you trying to make the reader repulsed by the situation? Because I certainly didn't feel very sympathetic towards the teacher who accidentally killed a kid. Especially not after he thought, "well he's just going to die anyways"

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950294]

>>3950267
Mate, you're a fucking legend.

I'll dredge out those extra adjectives cuz I find that sort of shit annoying too and I don't know why I haven't spotted them in my own work but that's the problem when you get all 'writer mode', ennit?

And the celebrities thing.
As I said, it was a first draft. I wrote this first bit quite a while ago while I was quite rusty, having not written for a while. I wanted a character who was never described apart from in terms of people he didn't look like and I was quite adamant about that but now the novelty's worn off and it doesn't work, there's no reason why I shouldn't get rid. And I wanted a protagonist whose name you never find out and I decided to keep calling him 'Rothface' because he looks like Tim Roth When you put those two together, especially introducing them both at the same time, I can very much see how that would get confusing. I'm currentlly overhauling the first few chapters to fix this.

The colours thing is because I wanted a quick way for people to identify what year the chapter they're reading is set in. In my version on Word, it's color-coded and the italics are italic etc.

Eight O'clock is always a good time for accurate quotations and grammar lol. In all seriousness, though: I have really bad insomnia.
Captcha: Respecting Beenlogy.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950304]

>>3950279
It's a statement about jumping to conclusions and first impressions. Also about the power of prose and biasedI'm fucking with you.

Because I felt like it, mate. You're not supposed to feel sympathetic towards him, he's a miserable wanker who constantly fucks things up for himself. Later on, as you read about earlier in his life you see he basically ruined his marriage because he thinks it's inevitable that a woman will want to go astray just because it's forbidden.

To be fair, though, advertising has programmed women to start foaming at the gash when they hear that word.

[Anonymous No.3950318]

>>3950011
relax du
your shit isn't shit but still, it ain't shit
it's like writing doesn't come naturally to you, or like you have written or read enough. The ideas come across as unmemorable and gimmicky, the descriptions really lack pizzazz (read Lolita if you want to see how to add colour and verve to yr stuff), and the general aesthetic is just kind of a turn-off.
You're far from a lost cause, but I'd advise really putting your nose to the grindstone before you start threads for your stuff again. Lengthy first drafts aren't very endearing.

>>3950279
I think that's the tweest

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950329]

>>3950279
And yeah. Repulsed, dirty in a bad way (Originally the kid was even slightly sexualised but I couldn't live with myself), sorry for the kid, soooort of sorry for the teacher but not really. During the Sports Day massacre set before the first chapter he's carrying Danny in his arms as the robot things attack and he tries to palm him off on another teacher because he's a near-enough dead weight. He's just stuck with the kids, he wants to go and find his wife who's a cunt as well as him. I haven't decided yet but I'm thinking eventually he just abandons them.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950371]

>>3950318
I'm sorry but no force above, below or on this earth will make me read a book that condones fucking children and even describes it, no matter how well-written I'm told it is.

The ideas in it are not only gimmicky; they are rip-offs.
There's fucking terminators in it.
They're transformers as well.
And there's drugs in it.
There's drugs in Naked Lunch.
OMMMMMM I ripped off Naked Lunch.

I'd hoped they'd be a bit more memorable, though.

Writing comes very natural to me but I'm experimenting with a different style of prose to usual. I usually write straight-forward description and blah blah very conventionally written but I'm trying to sort of do part Stephen Kingy satisfactory "here's what happened, no frills", part pissed bloke telling you the story in the pub.

I'm gonna post the chapter where there's porn for no reason.

[Anonymous No.3950381]

>>3950371
>I'm sorry but no force above, below or on this earth will make me read a book that condones fucking children and even describes it, no matter how well-written I'm told it is.
Lolita clearly shows that the narrator is a pathetic and morally reprehensible individual trying to justify his indefensible actions. There's only two pages of explicit sexual interaction, and it's very light. If the book comes to any moral judgement, it's a condemnation of fucking children.
If Lolita condones fucking children, then Naked Lunch condones heroin use.

[Anonymous No.3950404]

>>3948144
Because this is 4chan the very beginning was way more unsettling than it had to be, I'd imagine.

You had some cool stuff in there, but there's a lot of spots where things you said didn't make sense. "The thing threw the long jagged thing like a javelin and it impaled Gretta through the solar-plexus, driving her backwards with it's momentum."

And also the narrator isn't consistent and it's awkward when that happens.

I also think you overdid the part where you're describing the two men at the bar by famous people they don't look like. I know you're trying to keep it vague so there's things left to the imagination, but you really beat it to the ground there.

I actually enjoyed this though and think you did a good job.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950416]

>>3950381
That's fair enough, to be honest. But I still won't read it. I don't like reading when I'm doing a project; it fucks up the style I was going for because I start accidentally mimicing that of whoever I'm reading. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

MFW I read four pages into Naked Lunch and thought "I may as well just chill round the blocks. At least then I'll be able to understand the semi-literate bagheads easier because they're not talking fucking Scottish". Second language, ennit? Can't always be arsed with it.

[Anonymous No.3950427]

>>3950416
it sounds very much like you thought you were reading Naked Lunch but actually reading Trainspotting

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950431]

>>3950404
Thanks, brother.

See, the fact that you don't know that one of them looks like Tim Roth and the other doesn't look like anyone just rams home how terribly I wrote the first few bits.

In my defence: I was at about 80 hours with no sleep when I wrote the first three pages of the red chapters (the ones with Rothface).

As I go along I'm getting better at mingling the different facets of the prose more fluidly. I'm basically going to rewrite the first fe chapters when I get to page 100 in 12 pages timeooergettingexcitedgonnashitacurlywurly

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950439]

>>3950427
It was ages ago. I've got the image of the cover in my head and I remember liking what was in the introduction. Something along the lines of "The face on the front of the book is the face of pure need and thus the face of pure evil".
But I'm pretty sure I couldn't understand a fucking word of the rest of it.

[Anonymous No.3950894]

So is this like a comedy or something? Because if you're writing about robots and shit like that and it's supposed to be taken seriously, then you've got a long way to go. There are free ebooks on amazon that are a million times better sci fi than this.

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950955]

>>3950894
Yes, it's like a black comedy sci-fi horror crime thriller with porn. I'd hoped it came across as not taking itself very seriously in most parts.
Yeah, sci-fi's been done before. Guess I should give up, eh?

[Qualters&Zippo No.3950962]

I'd LOVE to see what some of you could come up with.

[Anonymous No.3951025]

>>3950962
you know what, I actually will dump something I wrote a while back. It's also sci-fi, and also a first draft.

http://pastebin.com/EGzvuP8m

read as much or as little as you like. it got good responses the last time I put it u here. It actually started in a flash-fiction thread and then I wrote a little more before making a thread similar to yours, OP

it's about 3,000 words right now

[Anonymous No.3951066]

>>3951025
and if that's not to your taste, I also wrote
>>3949731
>>3949736

[Anonymous No.3951100]

>>3950962
I was driving an off white station wagon with faux wooden side paneling. It was old, like Uncle Buck old, and it garnered respect in a “where the fuck did he get that?” kinda way. When I was coming through, everyone knew what was what. Her name was Betty and even if she wasn't slick as the new Japs that Sato sold at his lot, I didn't love her any less because of it. Slightly boxy in the back, like an old square bottomed woman with shorts pulled up high around her stomach and purple rimmed modish sunglasses sitting in the living room smoking cigarette after cigarette taking no shit from you or anybody else. That was Betty, a tough old bitch who'd served me through hell and high water. We had history. Let's get this straight right now - this story is about her and me and fuck the rest. I just hoped one of us would live out the night.

The street was narrow, just wide enough to accommodate our significant berth. Neon storefront lights were flashing by on either side of us as I passed at a speed that demanded kids not play ahead of me. But it was night and all the kids worth keeping alive near the Twins were tucked safe and sound into their beds, so my good samaritan record would stay in tact for now. Even if I did hit one, I felt like I'd earned some credit. I was going to see Nedson and I needed to see him yesterday, before that credit expired.

Nedson was a man who, if you cut him, would bleed smoke. He was perpetually stoned to the bone but savvy, and like smoke, if you tried to grab him tight, he'd just split up six ways and slip through your fingers. Up in the matching towers they didn't even know his name. They just called him the Dragon, because the guy was always grinning, seeping smoke from his nose, mouth, and ears too. The name was pure theatrics but it was obvious he loved that shit. Down here, in the low rise twenty four hour sprawl that stretched out like a goddamn mold, we just called him Nedson. He had inherited his role as the man with access to the North Twin from his late father, the former Head of Custodial Affairs (read: top janitor) for 33 years before ignoring his own yellow “wet floor” sandwich sign, slipping down a flight of stairs, and breaking his spine into as many pieces as it took to end a man's career. He was still laid up in the hospital as far as I knew, his blank eyes as good as dead. Anyway,


>my first page that i have posted before. 90,000 words, the title is EVERYBODY DIES