I WILL CRITIQUE YOUR WRITING

[Anonymous No.4834179]

The writing critique threads have little to no actual critiques.

Post your poetry and prose here and I will do my best to give you constructive criticism.

I will be blunt.

[Anonymous No.4834190]

>i already know this is shit so i need help making it better
And as im on the bus this bubbly girl sits next to me, at first we dont say anything, as strangers normally do but after 3 hours, she begins to start a conversation, "so where ya heading?" "toronto" " thats quite a trip, im hannah by the way, but you can call me hope". At this point i didnt know i would be spending quite some time with this bubbly , awkwardly named stranger.
We start chatting about everything from the weather to the current whereabouts of MH-370 (she tells me it was abducted by aliens, I laugh at first but then i see her face and then part of me becomes scared), and then she asks why I'm alone and going to Toronto, why I'm not accompanied by my parents or even any friends, which is weird considering she looks younger then me, around 16. At first I'm hesitant to tell her about my plan, so I tell her I'm looking for someone , fortunately enough she doesn't ask who, I ask her where is she heading, to which she replies " same place as you.". At this point I really feel like asking her why is a 16 year old girl like her going all the way to Canada alone, without parents or even any friends, which would be a weird question considering I'm 16 myself. So I ask her, to which she replies "I'm looking for someone."
And then I realize the redundancy of what just happened so I change topic, a few more hours into the trip and I'm looking out the window and hope says, " hey stranger, I'm going to Toronto and you're going to Toronto , why don't we accompany each other until we get there, I know the way but the CBSA will probably give me a hard time if I'm alone.." I look at her and realize, that while my mission is completely personal, the chances of me making it all the way to Toronto alone are rather slim, and I could use someone who knows the way, and I think to myself that no way this 5.4 , Awkward looking 16 year old girl in a beanie could kidnap me and sell me to the Canadian-American syrup cartels. I say to her " ok, I guess". Not long after the bus comes to a stop.

[rêve No.4834198]

>>4834179
i'm already doing this go away unless you're better and aren't going to sleep soon

then proceed i guess

[Anonymous No.4834242]

>>4834190
>as strangers normally do
scrap that
>At this point i didnt know i would be spending quite some time with this bubbly , awkwardly named stranger.
you dont need to say bubbly again, as you've already mentioned this, and i dont think what happens warrants it being mentioned twice
also, i dont think many bubbly people wait 3 hours to start talking, especially if they're sitting right next to someone
>awkwardly named stranger
find a better description for this
>We start chatting about everything from the weather to the current whereabouts of MH-370 (she tells me it was abducted by aliens, I laugh at first but then i see her face and then part of me becomes scared),
this is very vanilla and uninspired, try being more judgemental
>which is weird considering she looks younger then me, around 16
put this in the next sentence, after 'At first I'm hesitant to tell her about my plan'
>fortunately enough she doesn't ask who
scrap this
>At this point I really feel like asking her why is a 16 year old girl like her going all the way to Canada alone, without parents or even any friends, which would be a weird question considering I'm 16 myself. So I ask her,
scrap it and just change it to something along the lines of 'I asked her the same question'
>And then I realize the redundancy of what just happened so I change topic,
scrap that, I think it will read well if you dont address that she said the same thing, 'I'm looking for someone.'
>and I think to myself that no way this 5.4 , Awkward looking 16 year old girl in a beanie could kidnap me and sell me to the Canadian-American syrup cartels.
scrap that, or change it to something for vulgar/interesting

[Anonymous No.4834247]

>>4834198
Kill yourself retard

[Anonymous No.4834252]

Thank you so much for the critique
I am now editing it

[rêve No.4834254]

>>4834247
already tried and someone already tried and i'm literally unable to die

see that's why you have to think your insults through :(

[Anonymous No.4834267]

>>4834242
Please define more judgemental

[Anonymous No.4834271]

>>4834254
No I'm telling you to go outside, find a small body of water, and drown yourself i it. Your shitposting on nasal drugs on 4chan as an EXCITING NEW NAMEFAG to try and further destroy this board with this retarded new tripfags.

I assume you have nothing else, yeah? Just end it, parasite.

[Anonymous No.4834272]

I know, I'm a slut but read it please.

As I walk in the morning

On my way
In the mornings
I pass by
Familiar things

Always waiting
Where they always are
But I still check,
Incase they've changed

Perhaps one morning
On my way
I'll find the dew,
Will not be so damp

Maybe one morning
While en route
I'll see a coin
By that old street lamp

These changes are expected,
Being whatever they may,
Changes small and numerous
Are the fabric of a new day

[Anonymous No.4834277]

>>4834267
well im assuming you're trying to tell me she is weird/strange, but the prose here is just boring to read, try and come up with something that would be too mean to say to her if that makes sense

[Anonymous No.4834279]

>>4834271
Do you feel accomplished getting the last word in? Cant we just have a nice civilized thread in here?

[rêve No.4834281]

>>4834271
>EXCITING NEW NAMEFAG

lol i've been posting the best poetry in this place for like the past two months dummy
i just rarely use the trip. but people know me and i'm married

wowzer

i'm going to ruin your thread for being a prick

also i dissociate when suffocated and end up back on the shore as pristine as always

[Anonymous No.4834282]

I once found myself quite sad
And it got me feeling quite bad.
So I took to the drink
And nearly came to the brink
Of losing all I ever had.

[Anonymous No.4834283]

>>4834281
Please stop, both of you, you shouldn't go to sleep angry

[Anonymous No.4834288]

Raydin’s eye wandered across the skyway network projecting out of the Hub. Different colored lanes supported between long series of paired structural beams formed the maze of cargo roads that fueled the arcology’s commercial infrastructure, each in turn connecting with the twenty to a hundred lane solid chitin super-freeways that crisscrossed North and South America. Millions of hovercraft and other vehicles formed an electric pulse, beating to the heart of the nation-city.

[rêve No.4834289]

>>4834283
i'm happy i am on antipsychotics and am not allowed to be angry.

next interesting piece of work posted i'm critiquing.
we're sharing now, op.

[Anonymous No.4834291]

I posted this on the other thread, but OP didn't really critique it. Please tear it to shreds new OP.
Sandbox
________

Copper wire

Sprouts in spider legs and is wrenched into coils

From the milk river running down the center of Susie's wheat fields

Short for her age, short for Susan

She's Daddy's little pint

Breading herself in fairy dust

Seasoned with broken brown leaves

Fried like her favorite animal under a magnifying glass

Melted into glass

The panes of the soda shop's windows

Are stained brown and green

Are gnarled tusks

Staggering out of iron gums and wooden jaws

That splinter under the sun

The water in the town center's fountain

Is transmuted into dusty shadows

Pooling and waning like the tides of an ocean

Hiding from the great white eyeball

That lingers in the sky

[rêve No.4834294]

>>4834288
>Different colored lanes supported between long series of paired structural beams formed the maze of cargo roads that fueled the arcology’s commercial infrastructure, each in turn connecting with the twenty to a hundred lane solid chitin super-freeways that crisscrossed North and South America.

why the fuck is this even a sentence that you wrote.

(this doesn't count as my critique, op)

[Anonymous No.4834299]

>>4834288
>twenty to a hundred
>not twenty- to one hundred-

[Anonymous No.4834303]

>>4834272
>As I walk in the morning
the title reads like the start of a sentence, not good
>1st stanza
Why not change 'On my way In the mornings' to 'As I walk in the morning' - it sounds a lot better
>2nd stanza
Way too boring
change it to something more interesting
>3rd stanza
again, its too boring
I get the meaning behind the poem (and its interesing) but your images are plain boring
you can come up with observations more interesting
also, im not sure if this is intentional, but there is a 'rhyme' from 'damp' in the previous stanza and 'lamp' in this one
dont rhyme different stanzas together
>4th stanza
the last line is decent
the rest is boring

overall - find more striking words/images to convey the interesting meaning behind the poem

[Anonymous No.4834304]

>>4834294
its from my defunct novel.

http://www.amazon.com/Crash-Flux-Kevin-Battleson/dp/1304362787/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1398839458&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=crash+flux

[Anonymous No.4834305]

Jesus Christ came to me in a dream, mouth wired shut. There exists outside, in the light fractured by the trees in front of it, something viscous that moves. In the clearings of forests and in back alleys where the homeless are killed, something like the vapor that rises off of you while you eat to the point of puking. It never stops; it’s not fast enough to notice. In the rotting carcasses in the centre of cities, among street dust that collects around light posts and used condoms discolored by the rain, whose bodies are stepped over and trod on, has faded millions of reconciliations of existence. The loss of that is worth more than anything else, not the burning of ancient libraries, not the destruction of temples for material gain, but the loss of the meek who have learned to live uncrushed by the gravity on earth.

[rêve No.4834309]

>>4834291
"Sandlebox" is a better title. gives a better sense of innocence, i feel.
________

Copper wire sprouts
in spider legs,
coils are wrenched
from the milk river
running down the center

of Susie's wheat fields.

{really good, by the way, that last line}


Short for her age,
she's Daddy's little pint, breading
herself in fairy dust: Seasoned with broken drowned
leaves
fried like her favorite animal.

Under a magnifying glass,
Melted into glass
the panes of the soda shop's windows

are stained as gnarled tusks

{this is a good edit. i'd leave it}

Staggering out of iron gums and wood
jaws are splintered
under the sun
and the water in the town fountain
is transmuted to dusty shadows.

Hiding from the great white eyeball,
as if from the pool tides of an ocean
That lingers in the sky,
Susie cries.

[Anonymous No.4834310]

>>4834303
woops it seems ive mixed up the number of stanzas

but im sure you can still follow it

[Anonymous No.4834314]

>>4834277
>is thsis any better?


We start chatting even more, about everything fro the weather to the current whereabouts of MH-370 , she says it was abducted by aliens and mockingly ask if there is any tinfoil under her beanie, to which she says no,

[Anonymous No.4834316]

>>4834282
its decent in technicalities, but unoriginal in both language and meaning

[Anonymous No.4834317]

>>4834303
But don't you see? That is its beauty. It is plain, dull, monotonous. Like the endless stream of days and their morning commutes. But it is the little things we see that let us know that this is a new day.

[Anonymous No.4834322]

>>4834314
>*I mockingly ask

[rêve No.4834326]

>>4834317
dude, just accept my great critique and move on.

the original is not good, okay?

[Anonymous No.4834328]

>>4834288
its nice description
but i agree with >>4834294
that second sentence is useless (it could just be in the context of what you posted)

[Anonymous No.4834338]

>>4834317
yes, but the little things should be made exponentially larger when you are trying to make them interesting
you job is to get the reader interested in the plain 'dull' beauty of the world
using simple language and dull line breaks wont do it

[Anonymous No.4834342]

Critique for style because my grammar gets shit and my sentences get choppy.

It's been a long day at work. Office place, droll typing, gossip--you get the idea. So a chance to leave the building is like a smoking break to me, and I suck it all in with no regrets. The smell of the trees in front of the office is peppermint for the lungs.

While I'm sitting on the bricks, which cover the cedar saplings, Alisha goes up to me. She's the type you think came right out of high-school and never learned a thing, intellectually and spiritually. Alisha talks with a whiny tone. Think of an entitled bitch. That's what she sounds like.

Today, she sits besides me and pulls a marlboro from her bag. Alisa lights it with a purple throwaway lighter, flicking it twice before cupping it in her hand. "Mind if I smoke here?" she asks.

I don't say a thing.

[Anonymous No.4834346]

>>4834328
the hovercraft are vtol flyers, aircraft, not ground vehicles. They form a sort of ring around the city near its hanger bays, waiting in a stationary holding position that makes the city look like it is surrounded by a halo made of tiny dots of light.

I was going to use this paragraph as the basis for my cover, until I ran out of energy.

[Anonymous No.4834351]

>>4834179
just posted this in the other thread

The grass has lost its verdancy
and is shivering into purple-blue,
and a strain of long, furrowed wind blows in from the south.

It rakes the tedded paper on the ground
and throws it into
motion.

As it passes here, you can tell that
near Shultzy's, soon
the arborets in the plot out front
will bend forward
and hum a constrained hum of motion.

Passing,
it will gild the tops of the low buildings
it will disturb a drunk on the Hill
it will whisper the shoals
it will rake the paper there
it will

The wind has passed
without my notice.
I was
concocting.

[rêve No.4834352]

>>4834342
>So a chance to leave the building is like a smoking break to me, and I suck it all in with no regrets. The smell of the trees in front of the office is peppermint for the lungs.

this is good, the rest is as throwaway as the mentioned lighter.

[Anonymous No.4834353]

>>4834338
>>4834326
Well I shall ponder both of your input, perhaps you are right. I just hope you two can work out your differences.

[Anonymous No.4834354]

>>4834346
I would have added more detail, but people said it was too wordy to begin with. I can't help but feel like this is good writing, I dunno, maybe I have shit tastes...

[Anonymous No.4834360]

>>4834314
>We start chatting even more, about everything fro the weather to the current whereabouts of MH-370
firstly change
'We start chatting even more'
Change it to something along the lines of 'We got to talking' but more interesting
>about everything fro the weather to the current whereabouts of MH-370
you are both 16 years old
make it more juvenile
I guess you can sense this in the aliens bit but its not strong enough
>mockingly
dont use adverbs this way, if ever
the word mockingly there is useless, the reader will be able to tell immediately this it is mocking from what the character asks

[Anonymous No.4834361]

[rêve No.4834365]

>>4834353
aww you're so sweet <3

you actually made me smile so i think it's time for bed. keep writing, though, really! just take the critiques to your mind.

[Anonymous No.4834366]

[Anonymous No.4834371]

>>4834309
Thanks for reading this OP, would you mind telling me what's wrong with it? The first bit is about "Susie"'s hair, and the second bit about breading refers to a sandbox in autumn that she's playing in. The third and fourth are about the same town several years in the future, which is why I described the dried-up fountain and the broken-windowed soda shop, and I referenced the sun as an eye because the whole poem was supposed to be about the passage of time, and the sun being an observer to it. I know it probably seems pathetic to explicate your own poem, but I wanted you to know why I chose the words that I did. Any constructive criticism would be so appreciated as I really don't know anything about poetry.

[Anonymous No.4834373]

>>4834342
Per your request, I will not mention your grammar; but I have difficulty understanding your voice. Your sentence structure and diction seems odd to me. It comes across as "middle aged white man with contempt for life," which was probably intended, but certain elements come off as relaxing.

[Anonymous No.4834375]

>>4834361
>>4834366
These two belong together.

[Anonymous No.4834380]

>>4834281
btw im OP

and those posts you were arguing with was not me

[Anonymous No.4834382]

>>4834360
Thank you for your advice, ill start editing the whoke thing now, if is thread is still here when im back (which i hope it is) may i ask for any further critiques? I really want this to be good

[Anonymous No.4834383]

>>4834354
Here is the original

Raydin looked down over the whole of Datcora, a massive structure covering the west coast of old America, surrounded by a transparent dome of orange light, protecting the residents from the freak electrical storms that plagued the continent. The Hub lay at its base, a black hexagon five miles tall, surrounded by expansion rings. Stretched between thirty tiers, billions of lines of composite titanium wire mesh were strung between thousands of kilometers of altered state carbon beams, supporting porous chitin that was half the weight of concrete and twice as strong.
Raydin’s eye wandered across the skyway network projecting out of the Hub. Different colored lanes supported between long series of paired structural beams formed the maze of cargo roads that fueled the arcology’s commercial infrastructure, each in turn connecting with the twenty to a hundred lane solid chitin super-freeways that crisscrossed North and South America. Millions of hovercraft and other vehicles formed an electric pulse, beating to the heart of the nation-city.
Centered in the Hub was the Wheel, a pit of concentric circular platforms, descending downwards and inwards like a massive strip-mine. Tiny dots of light from the V.T.O.L. craft pulsed in and out of the infrastructure built atop the spokes of the Wheel, following the halo of lights from the guide beacons surrounding the platforms. At the very bottom, a spiral staircase of skyscrapers curved inwards as it climbed upwards, creating a jagged spire that reached up out of the Wheel and into the sky, the exclusive province of Datcora’s ruling class, known only as The Towers.
It all culminated at Datcora’s apex, the Central Processing Spire. Taller than Mount Everest, clawing its way to the peak of the spire from the base of the catacombs which lay at its foundations, it was the heart of new Babylon. The CPS was the heart of Datcora, the foundation of earth’s commerce and information trade, processing an infinite influx of data from all over the world. It pulsed, humming loudly, bending and twisting time and space, bending the light around it to form an artificial matrix of semi-intelligent thought. Atop the spire, ascending with it as it continued its reckless climb towards the stars, the spiked, hex ring elevator rotated in a circle. It was the all seeing eye of the Primus, the undisputed ruler of Datcora.
All around the arcology’s massive framework, the skyways expanded east, north, and south, into and across the badlands, into the major sub cities of the North American Trade Alliance and bridging the gap between the other four nation-cities of the world. The sky blazed, the electromagnetic radiation reacting with the pollutants in the air and creating a fractured kaleidoscope of color. Every once in a great while, the streams of sky would turn blue and shift like liquid helium, rippling across the surface of the stratosphere, away from the sun.

[Anonymous No.4834386]

>>4834281
i don't know if i've ever seen one of your poems

donde

[rêve No.4834387]

>>4834371
i'm the same one who told you i really liked it and to just reformat it.

i actually thought it was a loss-of-innocence poem.

especially the "milk river of susie's wheat feilds" bit.

[Anonymous No.4834391]

>>4834382
yeah sure

although i cant promise ill be around when you post back

make sure to take your time

[Anonymous No.4834407]

>>4834373
Can you tell me how to improve my grammar via pointing out how to word the sentences in my work?
English is confusing language so native speakers are a great help.

>which was probably intended, but certain elements come off as relaxing.
I'll make it more consistent.

[Anonymous No.4834413]

>>4834387
That's really funny, the milk river is her hair's part to me!

[Anonymous No.4834774]

MOON

moon, muted in the distance, glowing faintly
still vague and
unacknowledged
I was never one to study you
but tonight, feeling ill at ease and incomplete
your blurring form glows whiter to me
your great distance seems
unexpectedly close to me
Was I secretly hoping for a visit?
yes, my eyes are slightly moist
but I don't need you
I never did before this night

moon, muted in the distance, glowing faintly
you mean nothing at all to me
you're only a backdrop
to the human story
you're not the sun
so go away

[Anonymous No.4834791]

I did some goofy story for a writethread in /tg/ based on pic related. I never got to post it before the thread died so feedback is welcome.

"Why is there water all over the- OH WHAT THE FUCK!?"
The Octopus stared dopely at the frightened man, sitting there in the middle of the living room as if this was where it had always belonged.
As soon as the man regained his senses he scuttled away into a corner, as far as he could get from the thing in the cramped room, and pulled out his phone.
A few frantically pressed buttons later and the phone was ringing as he desperately tried to contact his wife, staring wildly at the creature as he waited for her to pick up.
The Octopus blinked slowly, still staring at the strange little human that was clearly put off by its presence. Maybe the Octopus would just leave if it sensed the man was to uncomfortable, it would be a shame to ruin first impressions.
Eventually, the phone's rings were replaced by a woman's voice.
>cont

[Anonymous No.4834795]

>>4834791
"Y'ello?"
"Luna there is a giant fucking octopus in our living room." said the man in a panicked whisper.
"Oh hey Dave. Octopus? You mean Eightball?"
"EIGHTBALL?"
Eightball chirped up on hearing his name
"Yeah, I mean, I think it's a pretty good name for an octopus-"
"You brought a giant octopus home!?"
"Well see Eightball was in some evil king's trophy aquarium and he wasn't very nice to him, being an evil king and all, so I brought him home to live with us."
"Why would you do that?"
"He's just so cute!"
"IT'S A MONSTER, LUNA!"
Eightball's eyes saddened as he let out a small whine.
"You'll grow on him, Dave. Listen is there anything else? 'Cause I'm kind'a busy."
In the background Dave could hear muffled screams, a wind and thunder collapsing together in a great storm, and the shuffle of what his time with Luna told him was millions of undead. Speaking over it all was booming voice he couldn't quite make out.
"Luna what do you want me to even do with it?"
"Take care of him, all you have to do is-"
Dave could hear Luna's voice turn away from the phone.
"I SAID SHUT UP YOUR MONOLOGUE FOR LIKE ONE SECOND OLD MAN I'M ON THE PHONE"
"Sorry Dave I got to go."
"But-"
Click
Dave growled, gave an exasperated sigh, and put down the phone.
"I should never have married an adventurer." he mumbled to himself before turning to give a stern look at Eightball, who looked curious over all the fuss.
Being on top of things, Dave's fear had subsided into a dull sort of anger, as if he was given a particularly inconvieneint court date for some insignifigant transgression.
"Oh what? I'm going to have to clean all this gunk up, you know." he said, gesturing to the slime around the floor.
"And then I'm going to have to get some giant aquarium, who knows if they even MAKE them that big. Then I'm going to have to find out what you eat and get some of whatever the hell that is."
Eightball gave a gentle coo, as if to say "Sorry"
There was a moment of a still, awkward silence as Dave walked closer to Eightball, examining the creature as if to better evaluate the situation
The silence was broken when Dave's expression softened as he reached out to give Eightball a soft pat on the head.
"Well, I guess you are kind of cute."

[Anonymous No.4834811]

Avonako woke peacefully, rifle in his hands, pistol at his side. Without opening his eyes he took a few deep breaths. He remembered his plans for the day. He opened his eyes and immediately stood up and packed up his small camp. With shelter and provisions packed up he slung his bag over one shoulder and his rifle over the other and set out North.
Mapping the whole of the northern woods by memory had been easier work than he'd imagined; there was some ambience in the wood that made it seem daunting and ominous, it seemed. Yet to the eyes, it appeared a simple quiet forest, quite pleasant, even. As he continued north, as quietly as he could, he noticed a shift. The underbrush, the trees, even the sun itself was being obscured by some transcending Grey. He could plainly see all there was around him. But occluding all of it was something in the likeness of a haze before him. It even gathered around him when he closed his eyes.
He kept his head, and carefully considered whether there was wisdom in moving farther North. He could not sense anything living there. And the farther he went the more the haze gathered up around him. Soon enough he could scare see three feet in front of him, and the haze began to show a faint, pale-blue glow, having totally blocked out the morning sun. Avonako paused and closed his eyes, to see if he could sense anything in the mist. There was nothing.
Once he opened his eyes he saw a figure. A child, a girl, seemingly formed from the mist. As soon as their eyes met, Avonako could see and all of them; a crowd of hundreds of people, specters from the mist, like the girl. The girl raised her hand, and offered it. Avonako was careful as he went to take it. He had heard of the dead haunting the earth, and had heard of the horrors they could inflict on the mind. Yet it seemed they had guided and welcomed him here.
As soon as their hands would have touched, images and flooded into his mind's eye. He saw home's burn down from within them, and felt the heat. He felt steel pierce their bodies. He witnessed raiders have their fun with girls, and have boys slaughter each other as a diversion. He saw and felt bodies torn apart. He saw infants drowned and crushed underfoot. He saw the men bidding and gambling over what bodies and goods of value that were left at the end of it all.
Avonako had almost collapsed. He was on his hands and knees with his eyes closed, and as he opened them he saw that the mist was gone. Looking around he saw the ruins. Nothing stood more than two feet high, but there were bones, and a few weapons, and part of the battered foundations of buildings. He then knew how to deal with those now threatening his people.

[Anonymous No.4834826]

A beam of sunlight shot through the window and hit him in the eye. He ran and chased it outside, into the cooling dusk air. Crazed, he knelt down and licked the ground, the dirt and pebbles rough and bitter on his tongue. And yet it all felt as though he was tasted them across a great distance, across something unsurpassable- he tore off his shirt and leapt for the hose, and doused himself in freezing water. But it was too late. He could never be that close again.

[Anonymous No.4834835]

>>4834791
>>4834795
Gave me a good chuckle. Dialogue flowed nicely too.

[Anonymous No.4834836]

Alchemy

On half a sheet of paper
with twenty six letters
and a bit of punctuation,
one might write a billion poems.

Almost all would be shit.

This one is mine.

[Anonymous No.4834875]

>>4834836
I like this.

[Anonymous No.4835199]

>>4834179
http://pastebin.com/8esPUF9C

pls

[Anonymous No.4835234]

>>4834179
>i already know this is shitty, so if you could be a dick and tell me (specifically) what makes it shitty, that'd be great

The twenty-something man lay awake at night, thinking, worrying, concentrating on something, but he couldn’t quite decide what. His “bed” is a twin sized mattress directly atop the chilled ground of a cheap studio apartment in the outskirts of Chicago. The last time he had a real bed was around ten years ago, he remembered, in the comfort of his parent’s house where he had his own bedroom. Now, things were drastically different. His room was no longer large and spacious, taking up half of a medium sized house’s upper floor. Consisting of only one main room, the apartment paled in comparison to the ever expanding and intimidating city that lay a mere thirty minute drive away. He found himself constantly turning and moving in his sleep, every so often accidentally slipping a foot out from underneath his blanket and it would find the frigid floor, sending needles up his leg and causing him to abruptly yank the foot back to the safety and warmth the blanket offered him. It was a weird feeling, certainly not one he was used to, to be in such a predicament. As the night dragged on, and the temperature dropped, and the space heater he had purchased second hand began to glow, the young man slowly began to drift into sleep.

[Anonymous No.4835415]

Marks wiped the musty window to his left with his sleeve and gawked out of it for a few moments. Behind them there slowly shrunk the imposing granite walls of Renna, brick upon brick set and fastened in place. The stone facade was scarred with scorch marks and deep gashes, faded now but still a testament to the atrocities of the Night War back twenty years or so now. He had been born a three years after it begun, and grew up in this very same city all through wartime; as a young boy darting around the streets of a city under siege or attack from the sorcerers every other day, he had grown up with a sort of resilient indifference to the political issues and differences that actually prompted the trigger of the war. In his opinion, he never really understood why the Triarchy executed sorcerers; it seemed more like a difference in lifestyle preference more than anything else. “Live and let live” was a doctrine the Atrian general populace seemed to both advocate and hypocritically condemn at the same time; weaponsmiths could fashion new tools of murder and destruction in this industrial age they lived under, but any man who so much as conjured a spark between his fingers, for curiosity or otherwise, was shot and killed on Heretic’s Point. It bemused him, to say the very least.

[Anonymous No.4835480]

>>4835234
Two things I can personally pick out;
1) Tense confusion, though this is only one instance I can notice. When describing the bed in second sentence, you use present whilst everything else is in past. This is always a dead giveaway for a novice writer.
2) Everything else is actually pretty good, but I feel like your command over language is a little... rigid. You use very bland premodifiers and adjectives to describe space and it almost seems like everything you classify you do so into "small", "medium", and "large". The temperature and geometric properties of the rooms are not the only things of importance; consider also perhaps the character of the room. Tell us about the wallpaper, the pictures on the wall, the belongings. You can tell a lot about a character from their habitat - is it bland? Untidy? Layered with grime and dust? What does it look like in your mind?

There is certainly potential here.

[Anonymous No.4835617]

>>4835480
Ok, I'll take that into account. Thanks man.

[Anonymous No.4835669]

>>4834190
Im done editing this, can i post it for further critique?

[Anonymous No.4835694]

>>4835617
Not a problem. You can add me on Skype if you want any further critique on stuff like that.

[Anonymous No.4835719]

>>4835234
>>4835234
>His "bed"

Don't do this.

>>4835480
This is right. Your work reads like a summary. You need to work on expanding things into scenes. Focus on more on details relevant to what you're writing about.
Practice your use of figurative language, and practice making images.

Also
>I know this is shitty...
Part of being a writer is learning how to bridge the gap between the general impression of shitty and learning what, specifically, your technical weaknesses are.
What I hear from this is "I'm too much of a pussy to spend a lot of time re-reading my work because it makes me feel bad about myself."
90% of writing is revision. Either get used to it or quit.

[Anonymous No.4835743]

They call me the nasty man
But I can't get away from my love of you;
I want you to touch your toes so I can get a good look at your hamstrings.

[Anonymous No.4835766]

>>4834272
>I'll find the dew,
>Will not be so damp


wat

[Anonymous No.4835779]

>>4835719
>Don't do this
Why not, exactly? What else can I use to put emphasis on the fact that it's different from a typical western view is on what a regular bed is - or are you saying that the reader should just be able to conclude that it's not a real bed through the description? And do you have any other critiques on the rest of the work? I'd appreciate any other input.

[Anonymous No.4835853]

>>4835779
>he sleeps on is a twin sized mattress
but tbh i don't like this part just because i think you're trying to say that this is such a shitty place to sleep when really basically everyone i know sleeps on a twin sized mattress on the floor or worse and it's really not that bad

[Anonymous No.4836009]

I am an Arizona transplant from Napa, CA and I work at the family business my parent’s moved here to buy in 1994. I am an encore bride, planning this wedding with two beautiful kids along for the ride as well. Balancing a full time job, two kids, a wedding, and various church activites is a challenging juggling act and I don’t think I could do it all if it wasn’t for my man. I relieve stress and relax by reading blogs, digital scrapbooking, and watching reality TV mixed with a few sitcoms. I love fountain diet coke with LOTS of ice, taking pictures of anything and everything, sunflowers, the color purple and Orbitz gum. I hate cleaning, hearing people chew and being excluded.

He is also an Arizona transplant, but from San Diego, He misses the beach and the weather the most. He is a hard worker and hates to sit behind a desk. He is currently an assitant manager at a retail store in town. He is a first time groom and a soon to be step father. He shares my love of fountain drinks, reality shows and Orbitz gum. He loves to joke around and is constantly tickling me.

We have been together since February 2007 after being set up by a mutual friend. He proposed 2 years later on the anniversary of our 1st date. We are planning an Arizona wedding set at my parent’s home.

[Anonymous No.4836054]

>>4835853
>>4835853
I assume it is a reference to Whatever where Houllebecq describes having to buy a certain size of bed so people don't think you have no sex life etc

[Anonymous No.4836511]

>>4834351
i edited this

The approaching wind,
casts its lengthy, already-leaving grasp
over the lit street. It lifts
the grounded & tedded paper.

As it passes here, you can tell that
near Shultzy's, soon
the arborets in the plot out front
will bend forward
and hum a constrained hum of motion.

Passing,
it will leave the leaves of the arborets discoordinated
it will gild the tops of the low buildings
it will disturb a drunk on the Hill
it will rake the paper there
it will

It has passed
without my notice.
I was
concocting.

[Anonymous No.4838335]

>>4836511
pls halp

[Anonymous No.4838360]

>>4836511
you should simplify some of your word choices. you're trying to be too fancy. also, the ending comes out of nowhere and has no context for its meaning

[Anonymous No.4838365]

English is not my mother language so grammar is probably approximative at times.
_________________________

CHILD'S GAME

It is over. The kingdoms have collapsed, overwhelmed by the barbarian insurrection. Now the void will reclaim all. There is naught left worth fighting for.

Let us pretend, you and me, that our struggle has kept its purpose, that the passion guiding our sword remains immaculate and righteous. You, my mortal foe, will share in death my holy call for justice.

Let us pretend that our spouses are awaiting our return from these bloodied planes, our newborn child sitting numb on their bare laps. The victor shall rest their wary back safe within the comforting breeze of the fireplace. May our fight unfold under the benevolent glance of our loved ones.

Let us pretend that the kings' banners are still hovering atop the highest tower of the impregnable stronghold. We shall be covered in riches for our victory over the countless waves of bloodthirsty enemies. Vanquish me and go claim the deserved wealth. I shall hold nothing back.

Let us pretend that we have been ordered to slay one another by our mighty lord. Our allegiance to the liege surpasses all. Be proud you were chosen as their proxy. Your soul is theirs in life and death both.

Let us pretend that this was all but a fool's delusion. I don't care anymore, I just want you dead. Face me like a man and perish like the pig you always were. I hate you!

[Anonymous No.4838409]

>>4838360
>you should simplify some of your word choices. you're trying to be too fancy.
you might be right... i'll look into it. i mean when i wrote it i felt like those words were used appropriately, but if other people don't think so then i'll look into it. what words specifically? "tedded"? "arborets"? are there any others you think should be simplified?

>the ending comes out of nowhere and has no context for its meaning
can you elaborate for me a bit. i'm trying to get it to work, but i can't do it myself because i wrote the poem and i can't tell if it would work for someone else.

just to spill the beans i guess basically the poem goes with each "paragraph" forward in time, till in the last paragraph the "it will"s suddenly stop because the wind is already gone, so it no longer "will" do anything. the reason the wind passed "without my notice" is that i was busy "concocting", i.e. thinking about writing this poem in my head... though i guess i feel ok about leaving "concocting" open to interpretation

so now that i've explained what i meant does it seem like it was there all along or did i not hint at it enough. it's supposed to be sudden but i would like a reader to be able to get what i was getting at

[Anonymous No.4838465]

>>4838409
tedded is one. i had to look it up and tedded is to spread something out for drying. people wouldn't do this to paper.

arborets is another. why not use the words shrub or small tree? arborets is a word i'd use describing them in a royal garden but doesn't fit with the street view you're describing.

you could've been concocting anything. it's too open ended. "concocting" the poem is another extravagant word. i kind of don't like that idea because it's too meta but do as you will. however there's a disconnect that since you were thinking about the poem, you have noticed the wind's passage.

[Anonymous No.4838485]

>>4838465
>tedded is to spread something out for drying
so the poem is set in seattle where it rains a lot, and bits of paper get sort of stuck to the ground and dry there.

>arborets is another. why not use the words shrub or small tree? arborets is a word i'd use describing them in a royal garden
1. i think arborets is a nicer sounding word, 2. it's semi-ironic

but yeah i think you're right, i'll probably change this one. it's not really worth a dictionary lookup for whatever small benefits it has

>you could've been concocting anything. it's too open ended.

well i want it to be a bit open ended i guess, but maybe i can close it up a bit by changing the word to

I was
crafting.

but that sounds pretentious. i'll try some other stuff.

>however there's a disconnect that since you were thinking about the poem, you have noticed the wind's passage.
can you explain this to me a little more?

thanks man