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2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

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517313 No.517313 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/ can you rate my story? Please scale of 10-10 only.

One day the President of the Earth was walking around commanding his peasants to grow food and fight wars against the evil martian menace. He stumped upon an old man who could only walk with the support of a cane and his white beard touched the ground. He yelled at the man to hurry up, as he drove his electric scooter down the street and eventually did some J-crossing in an intersection, nearly causing an accident.

The President, who was furious, started yelling and cursing that the old man. The President was so engrossed in his own rage that he did not notice where he was going and tripped on a curb and fell on the cold unforgiving cement. He laid there for a moment and slowly stood up and dusted himself off.

Then! The President fell to his knee in pain. He had gotten a splinter in his right thumb. This was it for the President. He was going to die right here. A man of his stature was reduced to nothing as he counted down his final minutes.

Then the old man on the scooter, as if he were an angel, slowly scooted his way back to the President. He quickly pulled the splinter out of the President's thumb.

"..th..Thank you" The President said looking admiringly at the old man. He reminded him of his grandfather as a kid and how kind he was.The old man then began to speak to the President in an old weary, but determined voice.

"There Mr.President. I have saved you now you owe me a fav-"

He was cut off as a secret service member sniper shot him in the throat and he began to gargle up blood. The last thought that past through mind was

"No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted."

Original Content do not steal

How was it /lit/?

>> No.517319

Brb taking it to publisher.

>> No.517321

What do I think? That pseudo-mullet thing suits you.

>> No.517323

>>517319
Hey fag do not steal

>> No.517325

>>517323
Prove it your story, fagface!

>> No.517328

>>517325
>past
>stumped

These are my tradmarks

>> No.517329

Zero

>> No.517334

>>517329
0 is not in 10-10, can you count?

>> No.517338

>>517334
Yeah,
10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-0-1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

>> No.517346

>>517338
That is not a negative aduh.
You didn't give any feedback.

No one even noticed that the President represents Edward Cullen from Twilight.

>> No.517354

Zero. Delete it. Read a book. Then try writing it again. Only this time don't make it suck.

>> No.517364

>>517346
Edward Cullen is a fictional character, i.e. he can't be represented in fiction. That's like the shadow of a shadow of a shadow, and we all know Plato is a dirty faggot anyway.
The President is clearly Glenn Beck while the old man is Joni Mitchell or some shit folk singer.

>> No.517365

>>517354
How does it suck. Did you get that this is a satire on modern politics and the mindlessness of society?

>> No.517369

>>517364
What are you talking about dinnerware in my thread?

>> No.517370

This is a great example of postmodernism.

>> No.517375

>>517370
What?
Can't you tell this is Romanticism?

>> No.517376

>>517365
Doesn't matter what the subtext is, the presentation of the story is shit. You could write a story about the meaning of life, doesn't mean shit if it's written horribly.

>> No.517379

Everybody report philosopher-chan, he's a fucking cock who came here to troll

>> No.517384

>>517379
>implying /lit/ has mods

>> No.517385

>>517379
This is /lit/ related. I don't understand...

>> No.517391

This story has inspired me in a completely unrelated and irrational way. Thanks OP 6/10

>> No.517393

>>517384
>>517379
>>517376

Do you plan to get everyone who writes stories banned? Go back to /b/

>> No.517394

>>517384

>implying it doesn't

we do, at least one, she had a thread up earlier

>>517385

Fuck off and die

>> No.517398

>>517394
>kill everyone who writes stories
>go on /lit/

You are retarded

>> No.517399

>>517393

those are three different people

>> No.517406
File: 63 KB, 500x363, deviantart.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517406

take it to deviantART, you oh so talented writer.

>> No.517407

>>517399
I'm telling 3 people to go to back to /b/

>> No.517410

>>517406
I'm too indie for devientart

>> No.517416

>>517410
I think you'll fit right in.

>> No.517422

>>517406
>you oh so talented writer
not the op, just dropped by to tell how you just dissed nietzsche.

>> No.517423

>>517422
wat

>> No.517430

>>517416
I'm indiependant from thought and emotion. I will not fit in.

>> No.517431

Philosopher-chan all that you have ever done is shit-post.

Lose the trip and post normally and you'd be alright but fuck you man this board is actually pretty sweet, we don't need some tripfag troll personality shitting it up.

>> No.517437

>>517431
>if it has a name it is bad.

Well excuuuuuse me

>> No.517441

>>517423
it is edited copypasta from zarathustra
you just successfully destroyed /lit/
15/10

>> No.517444
File: 859 KB, 1855x1800, tripfags part 1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517444

added to the collage

>> No.517448

Pete Stood Silent as he watched on in anticipation. Awaiting the results of what he had just done. This was a long time coming.

10, He took a breath. He felt no happiness and no sadness. He was neither regretful nor proud. He was indifferent. It had to be done.

9, He could still hear their pleading, their begging, and their emotions. Something he could never feel. He had forgotten what it felt like to be human.

8. The brightness of the sun caught his eye. Thoughts of the person he might have been flashed in his mind. He remembered a time when he might have felt happiness.

7. He looks into the monitors and watches their reactions. Some pray, some procreate, and some play, but all know the same thing. He had done it. He had doomed them all

>> No.517451

6. His mind raced through the past events in his life. He had forgotten all notions of time. He was back in his house trapped in his room fighting the urge to take the knife to his throat. He was back at school watching those around him enjoy life as he faked a smile and pretended nothing was wrong. He was on the phone pretending he didn’t know his closest friend was using him. He was pretending he was a normal human.

5. He recalled the memory of the day he ran away from home, the day he set in motion the destruction of mankind. He remembered meeting a man in an alley who offered him a way out. His name was Jason.

4. He remembered joining in his first Revolt in the year 2023. He remembered taking out man after man with dispassion. He would later be appointed leader after Jason had stepped on a landmine.

>> No.517452

I'm submitting this to ZWG now.

>> No.517456

>>517444
What? I'm not on there.

>> No.517459

3. He Reminisced about how he perfected the healthcare, economic, and education systems. After the 1st decade the people stopped fighting him and welcomed his leadership. He had united the world under one banner and they loved him for it. They trusted his every action.

2. They trusted him when he spent billions on developing nuclear missiles. They trusted him when he told them they were necessary despite the threat of warfare being nonexistent. He could do anything he wanted and they would blindly follow. He could a poor farmer to sacrifice his only son and it would be done. He could take any women he wanted and she would have his child, no questions asked. He had wanted to liberate the populous yet all he had succeeded in doing was making them his sheep. He was no Sheppard.

1. It had to be done. He was not the leader they thought he was. They loved him unconditionally, He despised their very existence. He despised his own. At last he was doing what he was destined to. He was leaving them to their fate. He was leaving.

0. Ignition, He felt the forces push against his body as the rocket lifted off. Every human on the planet was watching. Their savior was abandoning them. He knew his departure would cause conflict. There would be many battles over his conquered land, battles over which of his philosophies to follow, battles over who would be his successor. He had doomed them by giving them freedom.

>> No.517460

>>517452
What is ZWG?

>> No.517467

>>517459
Can I use this in my next story?

>> No.517469

>>517313
I don't have to steal, you gave it to the chan for free. And oh yeah, show, don't tell, that's why it sucks; all you did was tell.

>> No.517471

>>517456
I am.
Because I'm superior.
My name is timeless.

>> No.517477

>>517444
Those are some seriously sexy pants.

>> No.517484

>>517460
ZWG is the /lit/ zine that publishes anything regardless of how horrible it is.

http://zwg.wildwestwaffles.com/ZWG_-_March.1.pdf

>> No.517487

>>517484
Okay then you volunteered post my amazing story there.

>> No.517488

>>517477
looks like whale thighs to me

>> No.517492

>>517488
Someone's jealous.

>> No.517498

>>517492
I wish I had whale thighs and tarantula eyes.

>> No.517499

>>517498
Someone's jealous.

>> No.517501

>>517487
It's my story now. Well, mine and ZWG's.

>> No.517504

>>517499
You are not even the real nigba. Your tripcode does not match.

>> No.517507

>>517467
No

>> No.517508

>>517501
Give it back douche

>> No.517516

>>517504
You're so jealous.
I can imagine you raging every time you talk to Elwiz when he's not at my house, taking your sexual frustrations out on your cat as Elwiz tells you stories about how he slapped me through the window with his dick.

>> No.517519

>>517516
>>517504

Who are you fags get out of my thread

>> No.517522

>>517516
I take my jealousy out on the copious amount of women that want my dick and hat, but mostly my hat.

>> No.517528

>>517522
Your hat is the ugliest piece of shit I've ever seen.
Even /fa/ dresses better than you.
loL!

>> No.517535

>One day the President of the Earth was walking around commanding his peasants to grow food and fight wars against the evil martian menace.

This sentence sucks. Too much telling. Detail what he sees. Are the peasants in rags? Tuxedos? I don't need to know "One day."

>He stumped upon an old man who could only walk with the support of a cane and his white beard touched the ground.

Instead of telling me that the old man needed a cane, how about you describe him? We'll figure out that he needs a cane if you do it right.

>He yelled at the man to hurry up, as he drove his electric scooter down the street and eventually did some J-crossing in an intersection, nearly causing an accident.

This is just a clusterfuck of shit. This entire thing needs re-sequencing. Him yelling at the man needs to be later on since it is a part of the "shock effect," ie, important or shocking items need to occur near the end of the sentence. Also, show us the near accident. Who the hell is driving the scooter? Clear this up.

Okay, I did one paragraph...fuck this...

>> No.517536
File: 68 KB, 300x354, awkward_vt.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517536

>>517528
I think /lit/ would back me up on how cool my VT hat is.

>> No.517539

>>517313
>do not steal
What the hell? Why include that? No one wants to steal your eight-paragraph crap with its juvenile vocabulary. You started a sentence with "Then!", you miniscule troll.

This whole thing is fucking retarded, sorry.

>> No.517541

>>517536
>awkward smile
>huge eyebrows
>terrible clothes
>ugly face
>terrible hair
>antisocial retard
>rapist

>> No.517544
File: 16 KB, 300x225, stuffing4.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517544

thread needs a little sage

>> No.517548

>>517544
lol whoops, there's some irony for you /lit/

>> No.517549

>>517541
>awkward smile
>manly eyebrows
>hardly visible clothes (you can not even tell that I am wearing no pants)
>handsome face
>hardly visible hair that looks great without a hat
>outgoing extrovert
>stud

>> No.517550

>>517548
>irony
Jesus learn English you idiot.
I thought you kids knew how to write.

>> No.517556

>>517539
>>517535

It is called being a minimalist you illiterate trolls.

>> No.517557

>>517548
It is ironic just like an O. Henry story
XDDDDD

>> No.517558

>>517549
describing elwiz?

>> No.517564

>>517558
I do not know who this Elwiz character is.

>> No.517566

>>517564
Oh.

>> No.517568
File: 129 KB, 764x493, simmer2.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517568

>> No.517570

>>517556
Don't attribute your crap to some obscure movement from forty years ago.

>> No.517573

>>517570
>obscure
>crap
Jesus christ you fags are entry level.

>> No.517574
File: 55 KB, 500x500, almost.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517574

>> No.517575

>>517568

what am i looking at here

>> No.517609

>>517570
I'm old enough to be in that obscure movement that you know nothing about.

>> No.517617

I'm going to rewrite this for kicks.

President of the U.S, his brow furrowed, his suit pressed. He rode down the street in his scooter. An old man who could only walk with the support of a cane fell in front of him and the President yelled at him to get out of his way. Several cars swerved to avoid the indignant official as he gave the old man the birdie and blew the few nearest stop signs.

The President was angry at that old man for getting in his way. The President was furious, and he was driving along the street until it became sidewalk, the sidewalk into a building, and the building into him. When he was on the ground, with his scooter ruined, he was less furious and more in lament. Furious at himself? Why, surely not, for it was all the old mans fault, that face that he had had when he had fallen had too much having of his time. He had to die. The President had to to kill him.

He remembered his face.

The old man had come along the wreckage of the scooter and looked at the President, and offered him a hand. The President took it.

And his life.

>> No.517621

>>517617
Wow
you are a terrible writer.
Honestly.

>> No.517624

>>517617

"That was my favorite scooter." The President said,
A crowd had gathered, as the pool of blood reached the scooter, and people gawked at the blade in his harmful and hideous gnarled hands and he looked at them with his eyes and felt only anger.
Then his face got a smile and he felt better, as he remembered that his scooter could possibly be fixed or another built. He ignored the crowd, someone would paint over them later, can't be chained by someone like that old man for the life of his scooter.

Then the old man staggered up, all the blood in his body wasn't enough to paint the whole sidewalk but there it certainly was. Enough on the scooter at least.

"There, there President, you killed me for a scooter, so I've decided that I should repay you before I leave this wor-" said the Old Man.

A secret service sniper shot him in the throat. He couldn't speak after that, obviously, so he took his hand and dipped it in his blood and walked over to the wall. He painted a message there, and stood aside and gestured to President that he should read it.

"No act of CRUELTY, however LARGE, is ever FORGIVEN."

And then Old Man picked up the Scooter and walked up the wall with it and left. The crowd gasping as he drove off into the sky, President squinting a bit hard as the sun was completely in his eyes.

"Damn," President said, "That's one scooter that I really won't be driving again."

>> No.517625
File: 53 KB, 1010x716, Picture of story.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517625

>>517617
You forgot his robot leg

>> No.517626
File: 114 KB, 500x666, maggots.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517626

>> No.517634

>>517625
>>517621
You guys read fast.

>> No.517635

>>517634
I read the first line, it was terrible.
Writing like this. While adding lots of. Useless details. Is a bad. Way to write.

>> No.517639
File: 128 KB, 558x696, massacre-in-agricola-front.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517639

>> No.517654

>>517313
wtf is this shit?

>> No.517656
File: 45 KB, 235x252, cock sucker.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517656

sure is /b/ in here

>> No.517671

Who was the douchebag who read Philosopher's story?

>> No.517690

>>517556

In today's world, minimalist = minimal chance to be published and taken seriously as a writer.

>> No.517693

>cold unforgiving cement

I'm starting to like you

>> No.517697

>>517690
He is not looking to get published obviously. He is an indie writer and posts most of his stories on the internet.

>> No.517702

>>517697

Then remove that part of the equation and figure it out. Same effect.

>> No.517706

>>517639
Sweet

>> No.517716

>>517702
What makes a writer be taken seriously?
From what I understand it seems to be there is an extremely wide range that actually gets published and a whole other part which actually sells well.

I'm under the opinion that there isn't anything taken seriously, that everyone vies for something that will sell.

>> No.517725
File: 142 KB, 489x693, wurms1.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517725

>> No.517727
File: 19 KB, 489x493, Heath Ledger is dead.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517727

>>517697
>He is an indie writer and posts most of his stories on the internet.

Like people on fanfiction.net

>> No.517738

>>517727
fanfiction.net is mainstream

You are lucky to even see one of his stories.

>> No.517751

>>517716

My opinion here only. I think the deciding factor in being taken seriously as a writer is how someone interjects what they learn from criticism, no matter how harsh.

My first novel was rejected so many times, and even though many of the rejections were form letters, it took me many months to get over it. I believe I am a better writer because I took the steps to learn from the feedback I received.

Doing things your way, and thinking your way is the only way, is a certain path to not being taken seriously as a writer. Trust me, when that editor gets a hold of your work, expect changes, and unless your name is constantly on the best-seller list, you better make the changes.

>> No.517756

From the guy who runs the /lit/ magazine;
I must apologize.
I was fooled by the disguise the author used to hide the deeper philosophical message in this piece; it is truly an innovative style that I have not been acquainted with before. I hope you will forgive me, and I'm sure you can understand how I might be fooled. We will absolutely publish it in the next issue, and I look forward to its reception by /lit/.
Hoping to see more from this visionary.

>> No.517758
File: 133 KB, 800x555, dismember.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
517758

>> No.517772

Philosopher-chan
I would like to apologize for my hot-headed response.
I was at first fooled by the disguise you have cloaked the deeper message of this piece with. Upon further reflection, I have come to realize what a forward-looking and original piece it is. It is truly an innovative style, and I am sure that as readers learn to look past the minimalist descriptive work you have used, and learn to appreciate the message underneath, you will become recognized as the visionary you are.

>> No.517775

>>517364
THIS ANON SHOULD NOW THAT I ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING. Just fwiw, I hope all the best things in life happen to you.

>> No.517776

>>517756
your piece will be remembered like the Final Fantasy 7 Review

>> No.517777

>>517751
I've heard this a whole lot and agree. It's the whole pick yourself up no matter what thing, to let your ego wash away and become only about skill.