/lit/ - Literature

>>7558940
>I would definitely advise avoiding adverbs when trying to write English dialogue from a Russian

That's good advice. Thanks.

>>7558440
>LIghthouse

Oh jeez. I usually catch that kind of thing. Thanks.

>surprise

Her mentioning that she has a surprise for him is supposed to call to the reader's mind something sexual (hah, what surprise could a wife possibly have for her husband), but that's a bit of a red herring. The fact that he knows about it is important for expository reasons.

>computer dialogue

I know, I know. I hate it. I need to find a way to patch it up a bit. Honestly, I threw it in there because everyone I had shown this excerpt to were confused about the setting ("why isn't there stricter security at a daycare?" etc.), and I wanted to make it clear that it takes place during the late '70s/early '80s. But yes, it's out of place and very...cumbersome.

>young and pretty

Very cliche. Extremely cliche. Meant to call back to the opening of the novel in an unexpected way. Hopefully it will work better that way.

>utterly

Yeah, it's not the best word. I'm trying to keep Ivan's dialogue a little stilted, since he's supposed to be Russian and I have neither the skill nor the desire to write a Russian accent in English. But yes, "utterly" is odd. I'll think of something better.

Thank you for reading, though, especially since it's a bit on the long side for these threads.

>>7557397
AND, it has your (Beatrice's) personal stamp of Editing, since it has a protracted conversation about technology and philosophy, which needs to be edited down. Although the mention of the level of technology is necessary to establish the timeframe of the story. So whatever. I'll find a more elegant way to handle it.

>>7557397
Also, don't read this if you don't want a MAJOR PLOT POINT ruined forever.

Like it matters. This is never coming out. But if it does, you can be one of the first people to say "I SAW THIS COMING". Or whatever.

>>7557267
Here's another excerpt from this story. I tried copying it to pastebin, but this is the first story where the formatting actually matters enough that I can't let pastebin fuck it up, so here's the original Google Docs file. Yes, you can get my original email through this. Please don't sign me up for a bunch of spam.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S0OBBTF0bw5iBaezW1iBHxDqF9co2XHUmO751UKiah4/edit?usp=sharing

>>7557267
I'd just picked up on some UK spelling from you in the past, so I thought I was more astute than I guess I actually was. Maybe I'm just a sloppy writer. Anyway, glad you've enjoyed what I've posted so far. I'm always refining it, but I'll post more as the threads go on.

>>7557092
To hazard a guess...I would say you're not American, and are probably UK or AUS. Probably UK.

I'm basing this on a number of things, but most recently, it's the "looking through" expression, which seems to be uniquely US. We use it all the time to mean "seeing through a facade that someone is employing". In other words, seeing the real person behind a fake version of themselves that they're portraying. That's all I meant when I said "looking more through me than at me". Although even that might not be clear enough, so let me think about how to reword it.

But tell me if I'm right about your nationality or not, because I'm curious.

>>7557092
That whole political schtick with rehabilitation and what not was definitely out of place. I actually meant to go back and rewrite that before I posted it, but I kind of forgot. It is a little too political. I hate that shit.

For the rest, you actually hit on a lot of the same things my mother did (who edits most of my writing, and is really doggone good at it), so I guess I need to take the hint. I really appreciate it. I hope you get a chance to see the larger narrative. Compared to this, it's really something.

>>7556255
But what the hell, here's another Lighthouse story anyway.

http://pastebin.com/MjT29hNS

>>7555998
Yo, I read through some of the thread (I feel like I've been in a 32 hour coma) and am glad you're still writing and getting feedback. I have more Lighthouse stuff, but to be frank, it's not up to snuff. I'm close to scrapping the entire project and starting over with something fresh, but in the mean time, I've been working on something else.

Almost the last two years, I've been workshopping some ideas for a novel, and it has only recently been coming together. If you wouldn't mind, I'd like to post an excerpt or two and see what you think. It's not the same kind of fantasy stuff that the lighthouse stories were (at least, not what I've written so far), but it's heavily character-focused, so I think you'll recognize the voice.

Anyway, I welcome any criticism. Out of everything I've written for the novel so far, this is what I would consider the most self-contained, in that you get a feel for the characters as it goes along. It does suffer from a lack of context, but I can only do so much.

Anyway, hit me with it. Although, this is one of the few things I've been working on that is actually really important to me, so try not to totally ruin my life by tearing it to shreds. Or do, I don't care, I'm already drunk.

http://pastebin.com/PrjbNthU

>>7547524
When you do, here's the follow-up. The two kind of go together.

http://pastebin.com/i0XANLZK

Again, anyone who reads this out of context will be woefully confused, but criticism is still welcome.

>>7547551
You're right about "universal dark matter". I have too strong of a sci-fi background to be writing fantasy. It slips through every now and again. I'll fix it.

>>7547496
>>7547516
For the time being, however, I will address a few things in light of the larger narrative (which does not presently exist) --

The color of the characters' eyes is important for plot reasons. That's why Arella is described as having an "amethyst eye". It's not meant to be cliche, but I see how it can come off that way.

The "universal dark matter" and the "dark aether" are one in the same, specifically referring to Johnny's ability. That gets expounded upon later. For the time being, it's enough to know that he has the ability to form things out of darkness. I know it's not well established at this point. All I can say is bear with me.

>plain as the daylight

This was kind of a riff on Silvanus' power. Since he can see the future, and his power is supposed to be the opposite of Johnny's, something being "as plain as the daylight" is something impossibly obvious. I know that doesn't come across well here, since it's removed from the other stories. Anyway, it's something that was thoughtfully included, rather than being arbitrary. Hopefully that lends some credibility to it.

>sent shivers down his spine

Yeah, that's pretty cliche. I'll see what I can do.

>>7547496
Now that I can actually work with. Thank you for your feedback. I'm trying to cull the cliches and obvious descriptors from my vocabulary, so anything you have to say helps. You're right, there's a bit too much of that. I'll give it a rework and hopefully be back to post again later.

>>7547477
You need to allow access to view. I requested access, but you can change permissions in the settings.

>>7547471
Yeah. I mean, it takes two seconds. The formatting changes, but it's a little easier to tell what the fuck is going on. Word is screwy.

>>7547454
I have no fucking idea what you're trying to tell me. Please be direct. I'm here to learn, just like everyone else. Did you find those phrases confusing? Cliche? Help me out here.

>>7547461
Import it into Google Docs and I can help. Otherwise, I'm at a loss. I haven't worked with Word in almost a decade.

>>7547448
What program are you using?

>>7547149
I've only read a bit so far, but I like it. I'll get more criticism to you tomorrow. I'm about to pass out. My first critique is that saying he fell off his horse, then saying he crashed to the ground in the next paragraph, is a bit weird. The timing is off. Try to keep every paragraph fresh by being temporally displaced, if you get my meaning. A break in paragraph should be a break in time, in other words.

But what the fuck do I know. Keep writing, in any case. It's good.

>>7547425
It's like Hemmingway said
>Write drunk. Edit sober.
Every writer is an inevitable victim of alcohol. It's in our blood, man. In any case, keep writing. Even if it kills you, keep writing. You're one of the few people I've seen post here with actual talent. KEEP WRITING.

>>7547365
Glad to see you back and editing from my shitty suggestions. I'll get more to you ASAP. I'm probably too tired and too drunk right now to provide anything useful, and I have to go to work early in the morning. Such is the life of a hack fraud.

In the mean time, here's Lighthouse story #3.

http://pastebin.com/kT8Geapt

To anyone who hasn't been keeping up with them and reads this anyway -- good luck. I'm not reposting them. I'm pretty much only posting this for her. But since I'm a drunken ass, if you feel like leaving me harsh criticism, go ahead. I'm all eyes.

>>7547371
That's heavily debatable. You can put any liquor you want in a decanter. A bar, even a shitty bar, having a single decanter for the most popular liquor isn't entirely implausible. You're right that it is a little out of place. I'd expect to see a decanter in a high-powered executive's office, filled with single-malt scotch. But that's not the only place one can pop up. I just think you're being too sensitive to it.

Yes, I agree that calling it a "bottle" would appeal more to the aesthetic. No, I don't agree that calling it a "decanter" is necessarily wrong. I leave this one up to the writer's discretion.

>>7547314
Please do! I'm ready to read more.

>>7547283
I think "decanter" is fine. It's a specific word used in the proper context. If you don't know what it means, that's not on the writer. It's not even a particularly highfalutin word.