/lit/ - Literature

>>6437752

Eh, this critique is weak and flaccid.

>>6433709

Sup muh poetry duderino.

Will you critique mine back?

First of all - I thought this was great - So I'm gonna do a line-by-line

First pass, my impression is that you were going for bombastic imagery to elevate the common morning for the common worker to a mythical or godlike state - it is truly exultant! I also strongly picked up on the insect/hive/machine imagery in the last half.

>Morning Song

>When morning...
the dawn violently triumphs over the night, causing it to bleed (decaying) rust
>When the glacial...
the stars: cold, dead, beautiful, frozen, and damp
>Flee from the sun ...
The sun is leonine, "growling honey on light" is really wonderful here,
>Then the realm of soft blankets and warm nest of beds is abandoned:
humans as animals, nesting, humans are soft
>The gummy spider web of sleep and the yawning varnish of dreaming evaporates.
gummy like eyes and mouths after sleep, "yawning varnish of dreaming" is really really evocative and good soundplay
>Roosters, watches, the aquatic song of the showers, bread, the mint foam that embalms the mouths, the pores of dawn that breath coffee-with-milk:
don't like "aquatic song" - i know showers are aquatic, doesn't add anything new, likewise bread doesn't add much, "embalms the mouths" is a bit showy. Love everything else in this line : )
>All of them summon humanity to rise up and sculpt their survival.
Fuck! You see what I mean about mythical/godlike? humanity is summoned! to sculpt their survival! Shit!
>Homes spit anthills in the streets: the nation's blood, human erythrocytes;
Insect-like/hive-like humans are the nation's red blood cells (maybe consider changing erythrocytes to something less technical? may be the intended effect - I had to look it up :/ )
>Lives come and go, swarms of eyes, busy bee-hives of minds on trains and buses.
more insect talk - love the soundplay of buzzing sounds (lives swarms of eyes busy bee-hives of minds). Like and wonder about the sudden stopping at "trains and buses" - as if man's culture is intruding on nature
>Each craft is valuable, all sweat is the elixir of dignity, each function a cosmos:
Yes, necessary! "all sweat is the elixir of dignity" is really cool - "each function a cosmos" yes! complexity goes down to every level, from the largest to the smallest -
>Tractors and taxis, asphalt and crops, shoe-glue and soy, hoes and pens, Injection molding machines
I wonder about these comparisons: seems like rural/urban split? except "injection molding machines and computers"? that one seems odd man out
>And computers, cattle and excavators, cement and paper - all of them are vital parts:
also odd man out is cement and paper? which one is rural and which one urban?
>Each worker is a cell in the body of the country; the raspberry daybreak prays for all.
Boom! Thesis reached - but I don't think I need it - the images speak for themselves, in a lot of ways - just a thought. "The raspberry daybreak prays for all" is so fucking tight, hahaha!

>>6395368

Thanks -- I'll note that -- can't exactly sub it in word for word - would wreck the meter.

>>6391474

Damn anon, I like this.

The meter is strong and reflects back on the content of each line - substitutions are used to great effect, the meter is really working for me.

The rhymes are thought out and deliberate - night/light, reign/domain, away/day, know/below.

It tells a story in pictures - the imagery is strong.

The only tiny little complaint (not even sure if I 100% agree with this, though) is that moon and sun battling, night/light, reign/domain, are somewhat cliche. It's acceptable, I think, because you DO show me a different arrangement of the cliched elements - the moon standing on the sun's grave is cool, the moon acting of her own volition while the sun seems mechanical and indifferent.

Anyways, good poem, keep it up!

Critique back?

>>6384355

Sincere thank you, based Hawk's Sig.

I've mostly been reading Thomas Hardy recently, so thank you for pointing me towards more poets to study.

I critique baaaaaack

>>6382458

Your critiques are full of detailed references to the work itself and appeal to my technical, reasoned (albeit limited) understanding of poetry. A++ would read your critiques of other poems again.

Would you be a sweetie and critique this revised one of mine? >>6379122

You have a good brain.

>>6378993
>>6378857
>>6378658

Cast it into stricter meter (trochaic tetrameter)

>>6378935

Also:

>caricature
>Pirates of the Caribbean

Pretty close to what I was going for, actually.

When you say authentic enough, what specifically do you men? Also, re: distinguishing narrator from author - kinda confused because you don't know me? or what does distinguishing narrator from author mean to you?

>>6378857

>we've
>no

haha, yeah, i know that's not working. the narrator wouldn't say 'we have' he'd say/write 'we of' but i don't want to put that in b/c i know people will say its a typo.

Interesting point about the piece trying NOT to conform to verse. That's the discussion that was going on in my head while writing it - be true to the idea, not true to meter - but meter slips in there. it's not strict meter, it's like every line is ALMOST blank verse, but not perfect.

>>6378651

Haha, man, that turned out way better than expected. The conceit is funny, is there a deeper meaning, or is it just an experiment? Could use more conflict, maybe? It's flash fiction, so you can't ask for too much, I guess.

Biggest thing I think you could do is make the encounter with the wife punchier. Surely this isn't the first time he's been caught sneaking back in covered in feathers.

Critique mine back PLZ

>>6378658

Why rhyme for this content? And by structure of the verse, are you meaning use a more structured meter?

For both questions, why?

>>6378625

I typically write in rhyming verse, I'm trying to experiment with looser meter and no rhymes. Why would you suggest rhyme and verse for this piece?

>>6378430

Opinion based critique ITP:

Liked:
>Things seemed still.
>That ol' sonuvabitch
> Archer stealin lemons - The ratbastard.
> pompous gut
> Sister Orchard - factory-fresh rosaries
> Her wimple radiated
> unzipped chubbie (would prob say exposed chubbie but I'm not THAT particular)
>Toes turned. Cheeks flashed rosy.
>Been busy lately 'round the office.
>Entering the room, naked save a starchy wimple and a pair of tassels on her nipples.


Didn't Like (or needs a strong reason to be included):
>meaty hand
>neighbors of varied distinction, size(,) and color
>with a little hop
>Mr. Archer outta no where
>meaty thigh
>pair of forks?
>the exaggeration due to - make it more active
>his taint a'tingle
>someone down the block took an afternoon shit
>raw AND bareback?
>meaty thigh
>sniffing it dramatically
>porked each other viciously for hours

Curious/Strong reactions:
>hit by a car and died. too abrupt. you give (her tying her shoe) and (getting hit by a car AND dying) the same amount of detail. has a jarring effect.
>stuff into the receptacle -
>thrusting to and fro, haha what?

Obviously you don't need too much technical help, you've got the fundamentals of fiction down, that's why I'm giving you a more impressionistic critique. Would also like to know if there's a deeper meaning to the story than a pedophile cuck having a sitcom moment.

Plz critique back :^)

>>6375254

Not me, but also liked this anon's writing. His site is:

blogsareturningourbrainsintoyogurt dot blogspot dot com

>>6373789

sick burn

>>6373746

Heh, not me who cracked the joke in >>6373748

But no, I've never studied ANYTHING about the philosophy of art. Any decent starting points?

>>6373768

Really? How?

>>6373659

lesbian

>>6373665

Wow, anon, I'm really floored by the amount of detail here. It's so far beyond my experience of what writing poetry has been, I can barely take it all in. I screencapped it and will refer back to it many times, I'm sure.

Is there a name for this view of poetry, or is this generally accepted by all poets as the real stuff of poetry?

Esp. interested in the examples you gave - is there a textbook that looks at this aspect of poetry and provides examples?

Background question: Is this the sort of thing one would learn in a rigorous US MFA program in poetry? Where did you learn all this stuff from?

>>6373411

Finally! Content (abstract and oblique as it is) I can engage with.

I'm def a beginner, and would love to learn about the meaning of the terms you just used.

>Contingent
>Answer to a necessity

How do I learn what poetry is? Is there a book or reference or anything scholarly regarding those terms or are they your own?

>>6373272

cool critique, really helpful, thx XD

>>6373244
There is no culture is my brag.

>>6372204

Allow me to give a basic technical analysis:

So close to ballad meter, but the first line is off, has a dying fall. Otherwise the meter looks good.

Really that first line is hard to parse, maybe even grammatically incorrect.
Let's try this:
>That part of me of which is worldly
>That part of me is worldly of
Yeah, naw, still doesn't quite come out right.

Rhyme:
If you're going for strict rhymes, worldly and centuries don't. Remains and domains do rhyme, and they are different parts of speech, which is good. Same amount of syllables, and not particularly interesting comparison of ideas. But not terrible.

Imagery:
stone on the shore in tidal waters = your worldly self, alternating wet and dry, part in, part out. Cool, not particularly vivid, but there's not much you can do in one stanza if you're building that specific metaphor.

Also:
>implying there's more than 1 stanza
Should post them all m'dude.

Critique back, plz.
>>6373238