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/lit/ - Literature

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>> No.5754636 [View]

To anyone I wasn't able to give critique to, I'm thinking of doing this again sometime next week when this thread 404's and I have some time to kill.

I'm happy I didn't get shit on for basically creating a critique thread even when we already had one.

Thank you all.

>>5754592
10/10 I could not find anything wrong with it.

>> No.5753527 [View]

>>5751378
>>5751301

Film has a thousand times more potential as an art form than literature.

Just because hollywood will NEVER reach that level, doesn't mean the medium can't rise above the shit that's churned out today.

Society is in an immature phase, our art forms have all dissolved in unison to the garbage we see today. Unfortunately, both film and video games were born in the decline.

Look at Hall Pass, and think of that as a children's book. Its immature, very little talent or passion went into its production, it was written almost entirely to profit off of idiots.

Then imagine what the Shakespeare of film would be. Fuck even the Dr. Seuss of film would be mind blowing.

>> No.5752219 [View]

>>5751033
>>5751114
So, if you're going for YA, it really shows. If not, I've got some bad news....

You've got a decent hook, while humble, it does the job. It's immediate. I can't think of a better one for how the story starts.

You've got a very simple style, it feels mellow, almost satirical. I imagine the narrator's voice to be very emotionless.

There are some times where I think you were trying to be funny, here's two examples. One fell flat, the other got a smile from me.
>With an older brother to size himself up to, Ewan did his best to attract the same attention his older brother did, but failed to do so at the same level.
>Nate has always had a funny way of being an asshole. And in funny, it meant that Nate is an asshole, but the good kind.

The thing about comedy, is it only works if you cant predict it. When I saw older brother, I knew immediately it was a shadowed little brother.

The other example, while is cliche, and i have seen it before, caught me off guard. More of that, unpredictability.

You can also tighten it up
>Nate has a funny way of being an asshole. And by funny, it meant that Nate is an asshole.
Saying 'the good kind' doesn't really help much, you're still calling him an asshole, all it does is show the narrator's opinion.
'has always had' there's no reason for this, it's like saying 'earth has always been a sphere' why not just say 'earth is a sphere'?
>by funny, it
This is a really hard spot, I couldn't think of a way to fix it. You've got a problem where the narrator has personal opinions, those are incredibly hard to express without using 'I'. This area needs reworking, a comma isn't an easy fix.

Your dialogue needs work. While it's acceptable for YA, and it's somewhat believable, there is a huge difference between believable and interesting.

The characters seemed to have the same voice, all very crude teenagers.
I did like one line though
>“Sorry I’m late. I had to drop my sister off at work. She was running late too in the first place, so then I’m late, and that bitch doesn’t even apologize.”
I like the idea, it would be memorable if you tighten it up.
>Sorry I'm late, had to drop my sister off. She was late, so now I'm late, and that bitch doesn't even apologize.
the first 'i' isn't necessary, but that's my personal preference. 'at work' actually is a useful detail, but, it elongates the sentence, which really hurts it's image. Use your judgement here. 'in the first place' we've already got a cause and effect correlation, all those words do is hammer it in. There are a few words like and, then. These can be removed without any change.

I may not have a good idea of the speaker's voice, so perhaps these words need to be there for that purpose, but just as the line of dialogue itself, they're useless.

My advice for you would be to tighten up any sentence you can, especially with a simple style you've got. You will find it's stronger.

Keep at it, hopefully I can be of use.

>> No.5751125 [View]

>>5751033
>>5751114
Jesus man, I would love to. But I've critiqued like, 15-25 posts and I should be sleeping or some shit.

If this thread is still here in the morning, I'll check it then, alright? Just kind of burnt out atm.

I failed like 5 times on this captcha, are you sure you want me critiquing your work?

>> No.5751112 [View]

>>5751069

Alright, I've read through a chunk of it. I might have missed some things, but here's what I think so far.

The only major criticism I have is the first line
>Mail is male, and we all get fucked by it
has serious impact, the first sentence pales. I would personally incorporate your opening sentence elsewhere, and use the first line of dialogue as the hook. If you're going to risk turning off a writer with gritty shit like that, embrace it.

I liked the dialogue. I did have a little issue with the word stipulation, simply because it seemed out of place, the rest of the sentence has a basic vocabulary.

A very petty thing is also the name drops. There were a couple times I noticed when a name drop wasn't very useful.

Other than that, it's very solid, I'd read it through if i had the patience for it.

>> No.5751078 [View]

>>5751028
Alright, I've got to be honest. I'm not awake enough to read 12 pages. These are my opinions on the prose while skimming though.

The kiss thing was a little disgusting, honestly. I actually liked how it was written, very fast paced, blunt. A little repetitive but that was expected.

Alright, yeah. I like the style, I really do. it's something for a shorter work though. 3-10k words. I can see it getting very tiresome, but kept short and sweet it's really good.

Hopefully that'll be some use to you.

>> No.5751065 [View]

>>5751046
Thanks for the critique.

The two posts here were written in a "low point" I had great inspiration for the dialogue.. but my descriptions I really burned out on. So I've got to agree with most of the criticisms there. The first paragraph I think is okay, but I'm not satisfied with and I don't know whats wrong.

The character is supposed to be ridiculous, he actually represents insanity in an over arcing story. I'm not sure if ironic is the feeling I want the reader to think... but, its something.

If you've got something you want my opinion on, feel free.

>> No.5751047 [View]

>>5751016
I can't give much useful critique, but for the most part I liked it and.. its good, i think?

>pulling the clouds down to cover our eyes
I don't know whats wrong with this, I really don't, but I read the poem out loud and it felt a little jarring. If I were to guess, it is because the line starts with 2 syllables.

The rest I can't say anything bad, I liked the theme, and while I was a little unsure at the beginning, when the rhythm kicked in my opinion of it changed.

>> No.5751037 [View]

>>5751020
I'm not the best at giving critique either, I'm as well read as a toaster.

Yeah, I've kind of locked myself into a style of descriptions.. I don't know how to diversify it because I'm a one trick pony.

I hope that my critique has helped you, yours has helped me and I appreciate it greatly!

>>5751016
I'll check this out in a bit, but I'm not good with poetry.

>>5751028
I mostly need critique with this, it's really hit or miss imo, but so far it's gotten good comments.
http://pastebin.com/1BPBWbLk

I'll check out your stuff.

>> No.5751022 [View]

>>5750985
Eh I'm still giving critique here and there, I somewhat enjoy it.

I'm not that great a guy though.

This whole thread was a thinly veiled scheme to get critique on my own work. I'm a devious cunt that way. Hopefully I did some good for other writers in the process though.

>> No.5751007 [View]

>>5750956
I've noticed this to be a problem with a lot of posts here. The first sentence doesn't have that strong a hook.

This is just off the top of my head, but I'd consider it an improvement:
>Only two people remained in an otherwise empty hotel bar.
More immediate, less superfluous.

This is only really a problem at the begining, but bar is repeteted a lot
>bar bartender bar bar bar bar room
try counter(for bar as in the object) - lounge/bistro/pub(for bar as in the location)

>with a cloth that seemed older than himself
Shit I liked that.

I'm not sure how you can fix it, but there are a couple places were Jack is name dropped back to back. That's very petty of me though.

The rest I was very good, i cant find anything wrong with it. I'm actually jealous of your character description because I suck at it.

>> No.5750963 [View]

>>5750956
Sure, I'll take a glance. I've already fucked over my chance at sleep.

Feel free to view mine:
http://pastebin.com/1BPBWbLk

>> No.5750935 [View]

>>5750913
Thanks, I appreciate it!

His character was the most fun I've ever had writing, I felt like an idiot for laughing at my own stuff.

I'm not the most well read, so that may show in my writing. I have never studied writing mechanics, any ability I have was home grown and self-taught. I will definitely look towards perfection one of these days, but right now, writing is still in the hobby zone for me.

Again, thank you.

>> No.5750713 [View]

>>5750709
>He pat an empty cushion, motioning me to sit beside him.

Too tired for editing.

>> No.5750709 [View]

>>5750660
I'll change
>He pat the empty cushion, I sat beside him
to
>He pat the empty cushion for me to sit beside him.
Do you think that would help? To say that the narrator is sitting isn't an important detail to me. If the reader gets it, the idea is to show that 'he' is indecisive about sitting/standing. If they don't, well nothing is really lost.

You were right about the attribuation of the speaker. The last paragraph is entirely he.

'he' mentions that the 'i' hasn't had breakfast, so he jumps from the couch, and motions 'i' to stand up. That is what the idea was.

I'm not entire sure at this moment how I can make that clearer. Maybe it comes natural with my style. I never have two different speakers in the same paragraph/line. Maybe with that in context it'd be a little easier to follow.

Thanks, I look forward to the rest.

>> No.5750673 [View]

>>5750586
>>5746524

I really like the rhyming, there are a FEW places where the syllable count felt off, but that just may be my voice. It would take me reading it over and over to figure the exact places.

>end mends
Perhaps change the second line to
>my mind will never mend.
This would throw off the rhythm though, but I think the rhyme is worth it.

>This place is always awful the sky is always pale
I would put a comma
>always awful, the sky

>to the loft glued my hands
same here
>to the loft, glued my hands

while it doesn't change anything, it makes it look nicer and gives the reader a stopping point.
The second example, I read it as one long sentence the first time, didn't even notice the rhyme and was kind of thrown off. For a moment I had thought that you ended the style suddenly.

>Just before digging my mortal grave
you have a lot of hard consonant sounds very close to one another, making it read very harshly and have no flow.

>a knocking at the door was a peering eye to save.
I would change 'a' to 'the'
Also, look at this line as an example to the first one. It breaks up the harsh consonant with lighter soft ones that emphasis vowel sounds. It flows very nicely.

>terrified and committed me
I have no other problems with this line, but again this also has the problem with harder consonants.

I'm not great with rhythm and poetry, so I can't offer advice on how to fix it, but hopefully my opinion will give you an idea of how to.

>> No.5750601 [View]

>>5750586
Shit I'm sorry man, I didn't see a wall of text or a link so I didn't think it to be someone's work.

I'll get to it in a second.

>> No.5750595 [View]

>>5750538
I'm to tired for this shit, just some quick thoughts though.

if this is your FIRST time writing something (aside from classwork) then this is incredibly good.

My major issue with it is the dialogue tags.
Basically, the ly words. These are poison to your writing. While you can get away with one every so often, they really hurt any image you try to make, and most of the time can be useless.

Compare this
>He quickly glanced
to
>He shot me a rapid glance.
Don't use that, its a really bad example. too tired to think of any of worth.

But just see the comparison, the second has much more impact (as shit as it may be) it's more immediate, has more character.

The prose is serviceable, if a little repetitive at points (but I feel this was on purpose)

The one time I felt it wasn't was at the end

>Johnny again
>He glanced at me again
back to back, just something petty

Overall, work out those ly words, you'll find your work to read much stronger.

>> No.5750545 [View]

>>5750445
Thanks for the critique, every little bit helps.

About the listing part, yeah it's obscure, I'll see if I can rework it. I'm not sure if you got it though. I'm not listing things to say that they were there, I am listing them to give them a property, which was "embellished in vanity". Yes, I know, that is also vague, but I'm trying to hammer home it's a very decorated captain's quarters.

I'd have to agree with your thoughts on my imagery for the most part. I have a hard time being poetic with the very simple things. I try to instead give a vivid image instead of one poetic.

I do much better with landscapes, but describing structures/objects always screws me.

>> No.5750471 [View]

>>5750294
Alright, it MAY just be the style, as it does appear to be a letter... but, the prose at times really needs some work, and there is a lot of superfluous writing

Look at the parenthesis in the first paragraph. They add nothing other than details you learn simply by having two brain cells.

here's a more specific example:
>What they were actually for though (as you may have guessed) was my dog Flea, the only dog I was ever actually able to teach to sit or roll over or anything like that.
>They were meant for the only dog I had ever trained to sit or roll over, Flea.

No detail was lost, and the sentence is nearly half the length.

Another:
I'm going to assume you wanted an almost childlike main idea here, if that makes sense.
>I think maybe if I get some of these thoughts on paper, I can use my super logic against my own compulsive habits, my own compulsive self
>If I had these thoughts on paper, I think, maybe I could use my super logic against my own compulsive habits.
Not as extreme as the first example, but many of your sentences can be tightened up and brought to axe. Imagine if every sentence lost 2-3 words.

I found too many issues to list, Not to be mean, but try reading your sentences out loud. It's a good habit, I think it will solve a lot of the problems I'm seeing.

Petty shit
>I can remember
Maybe 'could' would fit here a little more.

>around that time
doesn't really add anything, we've already established these were memories when the narrator was ~4

>He died from lupus
This caught me off guard. If that is what you wanted, well, it works on this idiot.

I won't go into the rest of it, it would be me picking things apart.

I said this with another post here, I assume you're a new writer, because the growing pains show.

Perhaps it is MEANT to be that way, but, I don't know your vision, and my opinion is that it needs work.

Keep practicing, tighten up your sentences and you'll find it will turn out way better.

>> No.5750393 [View]

>>5750385
I liked it for like an hour after I wrote it.

Now I'm thinking it's way to over the top, which it is. I'll tone that down a bit. Just know I realize that's a problem.

Thanks in advanced.

>> No.5750339 [View]

>>5750294
I was only doing critique's posted last night, stopped accepting them sometime around noon for me.

I wouldn't mind taking a look if you would be kind to critique something of mine, though.

Here:
>>5747443
and here:
>>5749524

>> No.5750275 [View]

>>5750229
I'm still lurking around being a cunt.

I personally would go, 2 3 4 1

I didn't notice this when reading the first time, but "ends" doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence, perhaps if "that started" was earlier in it.

that leaves 2 and 3.
>and that ended
at that point you can either take out the word and, which, if it were #5, would be above all others. Otherwise, 'which' fits in much better.

>> No.5749524 [View]

>>5747969
>>5748978
>>5749306

If you enjoyed it and would like to critique a later part in that particular chapter, here:
http://pastebin.com/1BPBWbLk

This is a slightly polished rough draft. It will take my a week or so before I'm able to rip it apart and finalize it.

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